Why do people get married if they just end up hating each other?

[Anonymous]

[Ozanne]

This isn't true for many marriages. There are those who actually do screw their heads on straight, wait for the right person, determine if they have similar values and goals, and assess what marriage is going to mean for them long term, and then actually work on being a good partner in the marriage just as their partner does the same for them.

However, many people make quick decisions, based on lust. They meet someone, like what they see, and hope for the best. Others will get into a relationship that turns bad, but with expectations that things will improve or change, they marry and find out they can't solve their problems. Others just will take anything that comes their way because they think it's their only shot at marriage. Some people (usually brides) just want "the day to be all about them", to wear the dress and be fussed over, but don't realize that that's ONE day, while the rest of their life is not so great.

All of those examples are terrible reasons to be married, and yet every Saturday, the wedding bells are ringing.

A lot of things put people in positions of being blind to their bad situations. Good sex is one of those things. If a couple has fire, they think that's going to last--and it never does. When that fire is gone and they are left with someone they actually don't really like, it can be heaps of trouble.

Also, some marriages are made from guilt. A couple will get pregnant, and one of them, or their family will pressure them to marry, when in reality they aren't good together. Having a child is miserable for a couple who doesn't really want to be together, and then you have a third little person involved who innocently had nothing to do with their problems.

In my opinion, people need to slow down and stop thinking about marriage. Some people weaponize it and use it as an ultimatum, and others cling to it desperately. I think marriage is not necessary today, but if people do wish to take the plunge, they should only get engaged after spending one entire calendar year together. This way they have spent every holiday, birthday, and all the seasons together seeing how they do things, because the next year will likely be rinse/repeat. If they can handle that, then get engaged. If some proper time living together can be had, even better, so they can truly see how 'the other half lives' and what they're in for. They should never marry for guilt or to solve problems. What a mistake they are in for if they do.

[TipsyFr]

Most people I know spent a good few years before getting married usually 5 or 6. In France marriage isn’t considered as important than in the us though.

[Siochfhradha]

Depends on what country & what social class you belong to

In America - Canada - UK --- the working / less educated class marry young, without a clue what it means to be married. Typically they come from broken households of varying degrees where mum or dad were more adept at being an asshole than a decent human being and so they think that such conduct is acceptable in relationships. They are often surrounded by colleagues of same social class so behavior is encouraged.

In America - Canada - UK --- the middle / upper & well educated class are far less likely to marry young, they are mature & have a general idea what it means to be in a meaningful relationship. They may have grown up in broken households - less common than in working / less educated family - but are less likely to enact their parents behavior because bluntly to get anywhere in their career they have to behave properly.

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Rest of Europe the divide isn't so clear because, thankfully, even among the working / less educated social groups they typically behave better than most Americans, Canadians and UKers. People from these 3 countries are oftentimes not viewed favorably among Europeans for the simple reason... they're low class in conduct.

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[caring__1]

Sometimes it is settling just to avoid being alone, but usually, it is people seeing what they want to see rather than what actually exists, assuming people will conform to their ideal if they love each other. To reduce the likelihood of this happening to you, make sure both of you prioritize quality communication and gain a clear picture of what each of you are seeking and bringing to the relationship. Show a true desire to see things through the other person's eyes rather than push your agenda onto the other person. The other person's perspective makes just as much sense to that person as your perspective makes to you. A relationship is what people choose to create and nurture together. When either person stops working on the relationship, the relationship starts to die.

If you assume you'll end up hating your partner, don't get married, as you'll create a self-fulfilling-prophecy and make it happen. Educate yourselves before getting married. Find a qualified professional to teach you how to create and nurture a healthy relationship, effective communication skills and stress management. Don't assume you already know all you need to know... unless you want your relationship to just be temporary.

[monorprise]

They hate each other because 1 or both parties goes into the marriage with expectations that won't or can't be met. Rather than following simple rules and keeping it simple.

The west has as a culture no longer has a real institution of marriage, just a bunch of largely unrealistic and toxic cultural expectations and no real benefit given the lack of security services.

This is very sad as our children very much need an institution like marriage. But it has been redefined to be about the feelings of the adults.

[Unknown8264]

Can you please explain more by what u mean “west culture no longer has a real institution of marriage” what is happening?

[Siochfhradha]

Kindly don't lump the west with shithole America & the UK where welfare tramps that sleep around & men who contribute little to meaningful relationships are predominant.

[monorprise]

@Unknown8264
People today Marry for their own emotions, rather than a commencement to service for security.

Originally it was very common for marriage to actually be arranged, this was done not merely for political proposes but more commonly simply because the parents had better judgement in life than their kids at that age.

Also common was practices like dowry's to prove the man could support the woman but also give her father veto if he didn't judge him worthy.

In both cases however the feeling of one and usually both parties were 2ndary to the better judgement of others. We in the west thought we were improving by liberating our kids from this system. And at first while culture still demanded the commitment we were to a limited degree.

Some people did find personalities that were more pleasant to be around. Many more however found destitution. overtime however this idea expanded to becoming in many people's minds the point of marriage. Until by the 1960's the laws changed to reflect this fact with no fault divorce.

This is where practically speaking marriage ceased to exist as a meaningful institution. As it largely abolished the key benefit of that institution. Naturally divorce rates went up and up where they continue to go ever since as culturally we have more and more abandoned the original propose of marriage.

Today we have gone even so far as to recognize "marriage" between sexually incompatible people on the sole basis of their 'feelings'. This of course represent the ultimate money and abolition of the institution.
Making it no longer even possible to regard it by its original propose, having been explicitly redefined in law which now endorses that 'love' as the sole relevant reason.

[dynamicyandere]

They got married for the wrong reasons and shouldn’t have gotten married. They rushed into it, without truly possessing what’s necessary for a marriage to thrive.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Because they marry for the wrong reasons I guess.

[Bubbles45]

Because people believe that marriage is the end all be all, having to marry in order to have a family and a loving relationship. In which case is simply not true, marriage is simply illegally binding document in the eyes of the law.

Sure it grants some stability, however it's also very much similar to a ball and chain, like a prisoner. For whatever reason you don't love each other anymore you're stuck. Personally I think the marriage is more so a trap, mostly because society thinks people who get married will be successful in life. Though I will say in some cases it just makes an individual even more saddened and depressed.

[Anonymous]

hindsight is 20/20

Truth is, there is no good book on human programming.

There are some decent books on self discipline once you decode them.

I've figured out self discipline but I'm still trying to figure out how to be discipline with really emotionally compulsive habits. How to keep conscious control long enough to decay or replace them. Non emotional habits are Childs play but compulsive habits can be relentless. I have to sit down and read these two books about the mind. Currently I'm testing something given to me by the guy who discovered the self image concept.

As far as basic traits like kindness and courtesy; they are pretty easy to cultivate.

I bring all that up because that is what is lacking in the marriages that fall apart. It's a lack of planning, communicating, or self discipline. Or they were never on the same page to begin with and didn't know because they rushed into marriage.

[smilelots]

People don’t know to be honest that they’re going to end up hating each other in the beginning or they wouldn’t get together to begin with. It just happens when you don’t have the same mindset ideas about things, children money, friends, drugs, alcohol, communication, etc..

[Ironic_Method]

Many people get married, learn it was a mistake, but stay together anyway because they are too afraid to leave. Then you get people that are like "back in my day, we stayed together no matter what!" and "marriage used to mean something!" while those couples hated every second of it.

But sometimes it works out. I'm married and love being married to my favorite person.

[TonyMetal___86]

In a real marriage they will never end up hating each other, but these days, a couple rarely knows what a real marriage is and that's why they end up hating each othee because they don't know how to deal with each other or with the opsticules that appears in their relationship...

[jeffend888]

For several reasons. When you get to be of a certain age and you’re not married yet, you’ll be judged incessantly. There’s also major financial and tax benefits when you get married. And people who get to their 40s and aren’t married yet are just depressing.

[236color]

Some people trapped in the "purity culture marry too early so they can have sex. Some people should never marry but think they're expected to. Sometimes one or both of them are just assholes. Many people give up when it gets difficult.

[sheenagwapa]

marriage is for God. i think that's why there's called dating so that you get to know someone if he or sge is compatible with you. that's why it is recommended to not be fake because it's a waste of time if you are faking it

[CalmUntilAbused]

It's simply lack of responsibility. People get married based on emotions and once these emotions fade away, they find each other's shortcomings (and everyone has some shortcomings) irritating.

[OfMiceandMen]

It's a love/hate thing and they do it for the drama?

Why be alone and miserable, when you can share?

I dunno exactly?🤔

[CubsterShura]

Because we are terrible at discerning the right partners for ourselves and we marry for all the wrong reasons.

[Jkgordon]

Retarded question how about why do people sleep with people they know they are marrying how about that

[serious]

Yes indeed if they are to hate each other then marriage is a big waste of time.

[provokeesmokee]

No clue. Religion? Social pressure? Low self-esteem?

[Starrrboy]

Most people get married to just exchange benefits.. It's like a social contract.. they don't actually love the person.. so after a while they realize they're stuck lol

[SolitarySolace]

What I keep hearing people tell men on the internet is to be extremely careful who he chooses to marry.

[sheikalana]

They don't get married thinking or expecting that they might hate each other in the future.

[Vendela_]

My guess is that they didn't think they'd end up hating each other. Just a guess though...