How long (based off your personal dating experience) has it taken before you knew deep down that you wanted to wife a girl?

Question

Like do you know early on but just never tell the girl? This is the first guy that I feel like marriage hasn’t even crossed my mind with and thats kinda scary.  I usually only date to marry. I could totally see myself with him long term but certain stuff he's said/done has made it hard to picture marriage. I could still see myself having his kid but that doesn’t mean that I’d want to stay with him in the long run.  Anyways, this isn’t really about me. I wouldn’t be surprised if marrying me hasn’t crossed his mind but he talks about all the kids he wants me to have for him someday. And he talks about living together. And I know he doesn’t want kids without marriage and he doesn’t want kids without living together so I probably stand a chance. Its just he's all about going with the flow which i hate hearing that bs. I’m used to joking with guys about kids name and wedding colors and shit. Also, we want kids at different times so maybe thats why i struggle to see a married future. And when we do have them, he wants a big fam like some super religious couples have, yet I’ve been unsuccessful in bringing him closer to God. So maybe I’m bothered by the unequally yolked thing as well. The multiple kids thing is kinda scary to me now since I always wanted to have kids in my early 20s. I’ll be 30 in 2025 so I kinda only saw myself having one or two kids at this rate because I really wasn’t trying to birth any by time I hit 32. Besides, I don’t even know if marriage is for me anymore. Anyways, this isn’t really about me nor him. I think our getaway will put things into perspective for me and I’ll know if I want to stick around or not after this month. Just wondering in general when you men feel like you know you’re with the person you wanna marry? Girls can answer too about when they feel like they see their dude as the one too.  #FeelFreeToList

WhiteSteve · Accepted Answer

Having been in some long term relationships without even an engagement….. I’m VERY aware of the “New Car Smell” and the excitement of a new car, and that both eventually fade, and you’re just left with your everyday car. And humans get used to things quick, haha. We see celebrities in huge mansions, bigger than the last one, and we wonder why, but it’s because in their perspective, they grow accustomed to the smaller space to the point where it limits them. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with the car or house or person, in and of itself, it’s just “can that continue to be enough for you, once the honeymoon phase passes?”

Life is LONG, lmao. My parents were together for like 50+ years, married for I think 41 before she died. THAT’S what solid looks like. They lasted 40 years of marriage because there was like a 15 year test drive😝 Some women might be like “I could never wait so long”, but the proof is in the pudding, you know? They KNEW each other. The older I get, the less value a year has. Like 2014 to me? Not a long time ago. Bobby Shmurda JUST dropped, lmfao. So like what the hell is a couple of years, y’know? If you’re asking me to decide if I think we can stand each other for 40+ years, that’s WILD to think I could make a call like that in just a year or two. I’m not even trying to avoid marriage, I’m just thinking practically.

Tell you what…. my lady and I have been together 17 years next month. A lot of that time she’s been pretty much out of commission, but we had some years together before she went down. Women would hear we were together seven years or something, and they’d be like “Girrrrrlllllllll, you need to tell him to put a ring on you or get packing!” And it’s like…. in those seven years, almost every other relationship I’ve seen has failed. Since I met her, other people have met, dated, moved in, rushed into an engagement, gotten married, had a kid or two, divorced, met someone else, and are probably on engagement #2, and these same people want to tell us to hurry up and get engaged already. Just lmfao. Divorce is a breakup on steroids, so much trouble involved in it, so why would you not want to be absolutely positive that you want this person when they’re old and gray, not just when they’re young and sexy, and you’re daydreaming about the fantasy version of family life and not experiencing the less pleasant realities of it.

It’s dark, but I have “the windshield test.” If they went through a car windshield and were quadriplegic, needing intensive care for the rest of their lives, bathing them, doing all the gross stuff we don’t even need to talk about, haha, and they are complete unavailable to you sexually, extremely limited or complicated in their capacities as a partner in terms of just doing stuff and going places together, and can be of absolutely no help to you in providing for or caring for a family (if they even made it that long to give you a kid)…. would you STILL want to be with them til their dying day? That’s what true love is about. Cuddling and fooling around and going on fun dates is easy. Marry somebody who you’re down for and they’d be down for you if life happened to throw you the worst of unimaginable curveballs.

I probably would be married by now if my lady was well, but there’s no point if she can’t enjoy the event. So I’m not saying 17 years or more is the amount of time to wait, especially if you have designs on having kids. I’m just saying to always play these things slow, because think of all the frogs you’ve kissed in the past, years ago…. now imagine if you jumped the gun and had settled on one. Now you’re either unhappily married, or you’re divorced and maybe tethered to some idiot by a kid for another however many years. Like I said…. life is long, so make lifelong choices with that in mind👍

DJB72 · Accepted Answer

I was 31 when I got married. I proposed on our first date.

I never dated a girl I wasn't sure I'd want to spend my life with.

My first real girlfriend and I started dating just after I turned 18. We were together until just before we turned 21. We spoke about getting married and lived together over a year before we split up. Apparently her dad told her he wouldn't give his blessing if I asked him - so I didn't. Not long after she'd spoken to her dad about it we split up.

My second girlfriend was when I was 27. We'd been friends for a few months before we started dating and I asked her father's permission. His reaction was less than enthusiastic. I proposed anyway but we split up a few months later

Then just before I turned 30 I met my wife online. We started in chatroom conversation, moved to MSN messenger (yes, that old), then to the phone, then eventually we met up in person. And I asked her the day we met up.

I actually expected her to say no. Still not sure which of us was more surprised when she said yes!

We got married just over a year later and just had our 20th anniversary. It's not been easy.

Don't get married so you can have sex. Don't get married because all your friends are getting married. Or because you want "x" number of children and your age is progressing.

I was 46 before we had our son. My wife was 45.

Get married because you can't imagine not spending the rest of your life loving that person. Get married because you want to give everything you are, have been and will be to them. Get married because you admire him, respect him and want to support him unconditionally for the rest of your life.

Get married because you are certain he feels the same way. Then spend the rest of your life making sure he always will.

Marriage is mutual submission to each other. He's the head, you're the neck. In marriage you get what you put in multiplied back to you. It's easier for a guy to see it: he gives you a house, you give him a home. He buys groceries you give home a meal. He gives you a single, viable sperm and you give him a family.

I don't know what you ascribe to in terms of your idea of "liberation", but the happiest marriages I know are based where the wife literally multiplies what her husband gives her.

Of course, if he gives her 💩 that gets multiplied back at him too, so make sure he's the guy who will never give you shit.

dynamicyandere · Answer

For me, whenever I’ve entered a long term committed relationship, I’ve always kept the end in mind: “Can I see myself in a fulfilling relationship with this person for the rest of my life?”

That’s pretty much my compass.

At the beginning, the answer to that question is going to be YES.

But, we all start off with rose-tinted glasses, right?

So, we gotta get to know each other and see who the real them is.

As we get to know each other more, the answer to that question will veer closer to a definite YES or a definite NO.

If it becomes a definite no, I can’t see a fulfilling relationship in our future, then that’s my cue to leave.

If it becomes a definite yes, and I do see a very bright future, and I feel like this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with, then I’ll start taking actual steps towards getting married.

How long does that take? At least a year. But I think the 2 year mark is a pretty good spot.

4 of my 7 long term relationships went past 2 years. And it was about that time (2-ish years) when I know for sure whether I want to pop the question or break things off.

(If things have been very good, and there’s no red flags, then why delay? If things have gotten bad, and things aren’t getting resolved, then why stay?)

RoseySarah · Answer

For me it was the 4th date and him leading me around his home town. I even said that I wanna stay there longer so much!

But guys it's fairly early

Always tell my gfs it's a huge red flag is you see them as long term not marriage material!

It means you know some how it won't work out but your not letting yourself feel it or fully accept it.

For love and personal reasons.

All my sisters and sisters in law I asked said they think of marriage soon in the relationship or just long term?

Long term they will break up but I don't tell them it. Just latter remind them they said they did not wanna marry the guy!

Kids is a huge need to be married and not long term!

You love your love things will happen how they are destined to happen regardless your choices.

AviatorTom · Answer

It takes a while. My ex-wife and I dated for over a year before I proposed.

exitseven · Answer

Okay- my wife and i grew up together but did not meet until we were 24. We had so much in common it was scary

I was planning on moving to Colorado maybe forever. I was going out there with another kid. I even helped him fix up his car so it would make the trip. I had impacted wisdom teeth and I wanted to get them out before I left. I had them removed in the hospital and it took a few days before the swelling went down. I called this kid to tell him I was good to go. His mother told me he left without me. I was angry but I was still in town to go to my family's vacation home on Memorial Day. I was cleaning up the yard when a group of 8 or 9 people walk by. My friend was with me and he started talking to them. I just kept working until I noticed a girl wearing cutoff jean shorts and worn out old sneakers. She had the prettiest smile I ever saw. I tried to talk to her but she totally shut me down. Later I went down to the beach and tried again and this time she told me that she just graduated from college and she lived near where I lived. She would not tell me her name because she didn't want anything to do with me. I ended up going to her college library and getting her yearbook. I went through the whole thing until I spotted her picture with that same smile. I got her name and was able to look her up in the phonebook (this was the 80's). She asked me how I tracked her down and I told her. She was actually impressed that I went through all that trouble. I asked her if she would go out with me and she said that she was starting a new job out of state and was leaving the next day. I chalked it up to my crappy luck and forgot about it. A month or so later I ran into her again at the beach and we spent a lot of time together and decided we would try to date each other. A year and a half later we got married.

My wife and I grew up in neighboring towns. I used to eat at the McDonalds there all the time. We both vacationed at the same place. I knew her grandparents but not her. She worked at the local cineplex. I took a girl there one night to see Back To The Future and while I was standing in line for popcorn this big fight breaks out. Somebody hits me in the back of the head and the next thing you know I'm slugging it out with some nitwit, My future wife was working the candy counter and saw the whole thing. We are both of Italian decent. When we met we had both ended long term long distance relationships in which we were going to marry the other person. I could go on but you get the idea,

i think that i knew we would be married after a few weeks. i never really proposed. We both sort of just knew that we would end up together.

Oliverlogan263 · Answer

Hmm that's definitely a tricky situation man. On one hand, it sounds like he treats you well which is important. But I'd be concerned about some of the stuff you said too - like how he talks about others, having different priorities for kids, and not really being on the same page spiritually. Those are all big things.

Personally, it usually takes me awhile to know for sure if a girl is marriage material. There has to be mutual respect, sharing similar core values, good communication, and feeling like you bring out the best in each other. It doesn't really sound like all those things are totally there yet from what you described.

As for his behavior changing over time, that'd definitely give me pause too. I'd just be real careful - sometimes people are on their best behavior early on before the realness starts showing if that makes sense.

If I were you, I'd keep observing how he is, trust your gut feeling, and really evaluate if you could truly see yourself committing forever to someone like that down the line. Spending more time together this month could definitely help give you more clarity one way or the other. Just don't wanna see you rush into anything you may regret later on! Overall though, you gotta do what feels right for you.

NathanDavis · Answer

I never really "knew it deep down" that I was GOING TO marry someone, no... I don't do it like that

to me... something like this would happen after a couple of years or so, more or less... depending on how long it would take for me to really and actually get to know someone much more better and in the way I feel like I've known them for "long"

and this always included living together, going through some great and good stuff of course, but also some differences <<< this are very important to me, whether is with friends, relatives or partners... I always need to know first - how do we handle our differences- and if we bond stronger after that or if they want to hide and run, or distance right after...

obviously, one works for me way better... and this is when, I would consider a more involved future together, and of course... she would have to be on the same page as me, and wanting/willing to consider these things with me...

that's when we start talking about possible future plans, goals, and ideas... like, marriage and family and few other things as well, like work and careers

Lliam · Answer

I had deeply infatuated, monogamous relationships with girlfriends from the time I was 16. But I wasn't mentally, emotionally or financially ready to consider marriage. And I wasn't interested in having kids.

It wasn't until my early 30s that I started thinking about finding a life-long partner and settling down.

I met my future wife when I was 40. We dated exclusively and I finally decided that she was the one. We had the same values and I decided that I could trust her completely.

I proposed a year after we first met and we got married a year later.

HawkPerception · Answer

With 2 of my 3 girlfriends that I was in a relationship with, I wanted to marry them. I just was never in the financial position to do so and have the somewhat flashy proposal and wedding I've always wanted.

It doesn't take much. It just takes you realizing they have most of the traits you want in a girl and can see yourself with them for the rest of your life.

Chemistry is the most important thing I consider. Chemistry to me is similarities. Similar views, interests, way of thinking, style of communication, where we want to end up in life, sense of humor, etc. People connect through similarities. Not differences. So the more someone has in common with me, the less fights there will be and the more happy moments we'll have together.

MysticDevice · Answer

Of everyone I dated, it's never happened.

However, one girl I met not too long ago was the closest i've ever been, or probably ever will be, to love at first sight.

She exactly how I pictured the ideal woman in my mind. She was tall, slender, was kinda shy, and just a tad dorky.

Intellectually I just knew that we'd get along just fine.

Unfortunately she was already engaged and ended up moving away. Very depressing. For me lol

Fortunately I now know she exists. And the Law of Averages dictates that there are others like her. So my future wife is out there and relatively near

nawtee_me · Answer

You say it isn’t about you but you also say you don’t know if marriage is even for you anymore. You also said you are not sure you want a lot of kids since you are getting older. As well as, you haven’t had any success bringing him closer to God. That is a lot “YOU” in there…. lol.

I hear what you are saying. However, 32 is not to old to have kids really. You have it together more now than when you were 20 don’t you? You need that, your kids will need that. You would make a great mother to your kids, but you won’t make a good mother to your husband or baby daddy. He needs to be the man the kids needs them to be and not someone “YOU” have to tell what to or what not to be doing. He needs to get out of the raft or grab the paddles and start paddling in the right direction.

Gent207-2 · Answer

First day we met

We had been texting over whisper for 2 weeks and we didn't exchange pics. I was just grateful for the reason to leave the house. I arrived at the Starbucks early per my habit, sat down. A few moments later she walked in beautiful as can be and I instantly felt myself regressing back to 3rd grade when your crush walks in and you can't say anything. Then God whispered to my heart "that's her" and the rest is history.

Phoenix98 · Answer

Not something that happens to often it takes at least a year of being in relationship before I get to that point.

Marriage is a serious topic for me so it's not something I rush and need to make sure of my choice because it will ultimately affect the rest of my life.

iron_ninjs · Answer

I'm gonna tell you something most guys won't, but we all think this ( probably). When we really fall in love with the girl. As soon as that happens, we wanna "wife her up".
I'm kinda confused by your relationship with that guy. One moment he seems like the greatest guy, and in another moment, it's like he's the total opposite.

RHK36 · Answer

That's not how I look or deal with relationships. Every relationship I've had has been different because each person is different enough to change the relationship. Sometimes I knew right away I wanted something serious and other times I grew into it. Also the opposite, sometimes I knew right away that it wasn't it and I would end it.

worldscolide · Answer

Less than a month. Dunno if you have seen this story about me, but in April 2013, my wisdom teeth almost killed me. I spent a week in the hospital. The only person to visit me was my wife. Not my friends or family. And we had had only one date. I knew at that point I was going to marry this girl.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

I haven't really experienced that yet.. I mean when I'm with a girl I think about marriage, but hardly haven't felt a deep down want to marry anybody yet.. There's always been reservations.. So I feel that.. And with the way you been talking about him... I'm surprised.. Lmao..

Anpu23 · Answer

I am not sure I ever really turned one day and said "I want to marry her" first time she asked me, and second time it was all about my companies insurance policy LOL/ We married so that I could add her to my insurance.

molonski2 · Answer

At my time of life its going to take quite a bit of time , I'm not rushing in , no matter who she is...

Jerre · Answer

The girl I knew 20+ years ago I knew after the first several dates. Unfortunately she was killed in an auto accident 2 weeks before our wedding. I have never felt the same love as I had for her.

FenixG45 · Answer

You sound smitten and bitten. I've had illusive bad luck when it comes children. Couldn't have them, when I wanted them. Had them when she didn't want them. I've lost three children, and I probably won't have anymore. That's more than enough fir me.

How long (based off your personal dating experience) has it taken before you knew deep down that you wanted to wife a girl?

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How long (based off your personal dating experience) has it taken before you knew deep down that you wanted to wife a girl?

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