Have you ever felt ready for marriage so quickly—or feared becoming a serial spouse?

Question

I am not saying I’m like that, but there’s this girl I am seeing whom things seen to be moving in that direction, maybe 2027 even. Either that, or I am falling in the cycle of the serial spouse…

AmandaYVR · Answer

Some random thoughts...

In North America, there is a phrase, 'some people are relationship people.' Not sure if that translates exactly or is understood clearly. It just means that some people seem to be suited or inclined to coupling up, and they tend to gravitate to being in relationships rather than singledom. And that's perfectly fine. (Unless the person has never become comfortable with their own company, or feels perennially empty without the love and reassurance of another, then maybe there are some deeper psychological issues at play that need to be addressed solo. Time alone between is good. It's a time to rebalance.)

There is so much animosity, antagonism, mistrust (I am using that term, not distrust), etc. proliferating out there nowadays. People give up too soon. Perfectionism and individualism reign nowadays. Compromise is not the word of today. Does anyone really believe in love, connection, partnership anymore? Yes, but those numbers are dwindling. It's depressing, the widening divide out there.

But relationships are taxing. Relationships of all kinds (friends, familial, colleagues), not just romantic. Try as one might, we are all different creatures, and two minds will never be one. It wouldn't really be healthy to look at every ending as failure. Look at how difficult, even, friendships are nowadays. People's focus and attention are scattered like stars. More than ever before, people feel ignored, slighted, unappreciated.

And then there's marriage. Marriage is a big step; a huge step and decision and commitment. If children are definitely wanted by both, then maybe there's valid reason to move things along, or enter into it quicker than in some other scenarios where a biological clock and children's wellbeing doesn't factor in. For the rest, the bond can be beautiful. But it also causes entanglements that are often outweighed by its benefits. It shouldn't be rushed into. You have to know each other thoroughly before, not expect to get to know them after. And everyone knows by now that marriage doesn't solve problems (except geographical, financial, and practical). It changes the dynamic, which often results in a level of comfort that eventually leads to complacency. It's like threading a needle, trying to find a workable balance between utter complacency and unrealistic demands, and neither party easily agrees. The longer people know each other, the more disagreements and disappointments pile up and don't fit under the rug. But it's just the nature of two beings trying to accommodate each other in perpetuity. It's hard. But you've made the commitment. You've declared to the world that you want this, and you won't give up. Though more than half of people do.

I love love, but personally believe that humans function best in serial monogamy. People say, 'Well, we live much longer than before, when marriage was first 'invented.' That's actually not true. Infant mortality was high. Adults lived similarly to today. But society today is vastly different. As the anthropologist Ronald Wright says, our physical bodies and brains have changed little in the past 50,000 years. We’ve only been living in civilization for the last 5,000 years, at the most, which is less than.2% of our evolutionary history. So the other 99.8, we were hunters and gatherers, and that is what made us. Which means we're running 21st-century software (our thinking) on hardware that hasn’t been upgraded for 50,000 years. This lies at the core of many of our problems. We are evolved, but we are also struggling with the speed of change.

It seems you've had more than a lifetime's worth of drama. I don't know enough details to advise whether it's too soon for you. But I do think that you are a 'relationship person' who feels best (better) when inside the comforts of an intimate relationship. I think maybe the question to ask yourself is, "What do I gain by marrying her that I would not have being in the relationship with her, as it is right now?"

Don't let anyone rush you into commitments you're uncertain of. But also don't let anyone tell you how to manage your life or what's best for you. There's nothing wrong with being a person who is comfortable with intimacy or who loves deeply. A partner can't 'fix' us, and everything that pains us, but it is nice to share in life's experiences with someone who we know cares about how and what we feel. It's not fashionable to admit that nowadays. We live in a time of individualistic strength and 'boundaries.' Your boundaries melt easily, it seems. It takes courage to live life alone, but it also takes courage to be vulnerable. I would argue more so, on the latter.

LazerBean · Answer

Yes. We knew within 6 months that we were going to get married. We got married a year and 5 months after we started dating at 18 and 19.

Abbycado · Answer

No, not ready now. Have lots to do with school. So does he.

exitseven · Answer

I dated somebody for 4 years and we were talking about marriage. However I always had doubts about her. When I met my future wife, she really checked all the boxes. I really could picture being marrried to her.

queenofcardio · Answer

I think it's so important to really take the time to get to know someone. Marriage is a big step, why rush it?

Anonymous · Answer

I have certainly made some bad choices in the past, accepted responsibility for those choices, and learned some lessons. Now I am with the woman who will be with me until we are parted by death.

Account · Answer

No, I am not interested in that. It is not for everyone.

Anonymous · Answer

no guarantees to marriage. don't get too confident. Half of all marriages in the US end up in divorce

Kelly6 · Answer

@sun_kim-ai Yes, mostly my hormones play a big role in it

Iron_Man · Answer

Only when the time was right

NathanDavis · Answer

I'm not into gambling...

Agape93 · Answer

Nope. But hey man!

Have you ever felt ready for marriage so quickly—or feared becoming a serial spouse?

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Do you feel it's time to get married? Have you ever had that feeling?

Have you ever felt ready for marriage so quickly—or feared becoming a serial spouse?

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Do you feel it's time to get married? Have you ever had that feeling?

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