Have you ever realized you just don’t want to be married anymore even though nothing is “wrong”?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 9. We have a child, a home, a stable life. He is a wonderful man, kind, respectful, a good father. But for months now I have felt numb. No arguments, no cheating, just... no feelings. We even tried to fix our sex life and nothing changed. Yesterday I realized that I don't want to get married. Not with him, not with anyone else. Has anyone else felt this way for no "real" reason?

BCRanger10 · Accepted Answer

No. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, so there will of course be times when it feels more like routine than anything else and you just don't want to be around your family.

We live in a culture of indulgence and immediate gratification. I have heard it described as a "throwaway culture". Though many parents of our generation divorced, you and I are still statistically more likely to know older couples who have been married for 30, 40, or more years. They didn't have the culture and influences of use and individualism that you and I did, or at least not to the same degree and in the same capacity. They didn't just consume one person and move on to the next, like our generation does and those after us do. That and they also got married younger, so they'd spent more time with each other and adjusting to that life and less time putting off major life decisions, less time traveling, staying up late, and not being as accountable.

Likewise, they had more independence and didn't have their parents hovering over them constantly. I knew one girl in college whose grandfather told her dad after he graduated from college "You've got six months to get out of my house. Figure it out." And he did.

My point with all that is that I think you're just at that stage in your marriage when what you've actually realized is "wow, this really is for life." And there are some disadvantages that our generation has (pornography, social media, helicopter parenting, college debt, bad formation and advice, and others). If I were you though, I would not allow the feelings of emptiness, boredom, loneliness, or whatever else it is you might be feeling to influence what decisions you make. That doesn't mean bury or ignore them, but it does mean that you engage them and come to terms with them.

And yes, you really should. You say you don't want to find someone else, but I've seen enough red-pill content (no people, I am not a committed "red-piller"; in fact I strongly oppose the movement) that starts out with what you're describing here. A woman is married to a good, handsome, loyal, loving, hard-working man, they've got kids and a house, but then she just somehow realizes one day that she needs freedom, variety, excitement, or to go off and find herself, which she does. But three years later, when she tries to come back, he's moved on to someone else, they're engaged, they've moved in together and are planning to have kids and then she's bitter, angry, and depressed. Ask yourself if you really want to risk that because you don't get butterflies with your husband right now (not "anymore", just "right now").

petitedollbabee · Accepted Answer

Thats got nothing to do with marriage itself, thats just what happens in long term relationships. If both of you don’t actively work on keeping the spark alive throughout the whole relationship, then it dies and you often can’t get it back. But thats when relationships become more about companionship rather than romance and excitement. You’ve been together for that long, you have built a life together, nothing is actually “wrong”, so why destroy it?

PeachyPie93 · Accepted Answer

No I never felt like i didn't feel anything for a partner before unless they were generally not trying to fix things or making me feel empty and alone all the time.

Finchie40 · Answer

Unfortunately that sort of thing can happen , and it happens more than ya think. Some people get married thinking everything is going to be alright and then out of no where one partner decides they no longer want to be married and just want to be single and live their own life independently, so before you make any rational decisions that you might regret , you are best to seek counseling and try to e out what or why this is happening to you? You sound like you have a great husband , so really ask yourself do you want to hurt Your husband and break his heart and go live the rest of your life single , or do u want to try to get help and fix your marriage and family before it’s to late? The choice is yours

Cormac995 · Answer

Don't give up on your marriage keep trying I don't know how to fix it but I can say this much. This doesn't sound like a sex life problem this sounds like a bonding problem. You need to re commit to each other. You need to go out more often do more things together and bring more romance back into the marriage. A lot of the times when this happens it's because couples have gotten complacent and that leads to detachment. You need to do the things that made you fall in love in the first-place act like you're dating again not just married. Take some of those memories and re-create them and start creating some brand-new ones too and I think in a few years if this pattern and re commitment keeps up than you will probably see an improvement in your bond and start falling back in love again. This isn't just sex this is detachment it's not an easy fix. I also highly recommend couples counseling.

RespectfulGuy · Answer

Married nearly 30 years and I too had such feelings.

Basically, the mundanes of life, like white ash on charcoal, is distinguishing the fire of romance.

That time, my wife and I sat down and talk, agreed to rekindle the fire of romance.

We contributed suggestions like visiting places where we dated before marriage, schedule sex and re-live our sex life after losing our virginity on wedding day, seek out little pleasures of life together, etc.

And we save up and made those suggestion a reality.

Yes, it helped. We become freer and more adventurous in the Romance department.

My opinion is, it's easy to take life for granted, especially good ones. Hence, look beyond self. Instead give again to your spouse. And tell your spouse to give to you too.

Then likely, the fire of your romance can burn again, by adding more fuel, and a bit of effort fanning.

FunkyMonkee · Answer

My parents were friends with this couple that were happily married (as far as I know) for decades and (also, as far as I know) they have no ill will towards each other but, they decided to separate back in the early `80's. From what I can recall, it had a lot to do with her suddenly getting into psychology and teaching people how not to be afraid of flying. Once she wrote her book on it, she started touring all over the place giving seminars and discussions about it so, they just thought it best to separate because she just no longer had any time for a home or married life.

NotLongKindaGirthy · Answer

I've felt like I don't want to be married. But then, I've never been married, so it's probably different for me.

Honestly, everyone seems to be giving up on the idea of marriage altogether. Like it was never a good idea to begin with, but people just did it anyway for a few thousand years.

You might want to consider staying together for the sake of the kid.

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

I think it just happens, I feel for you and don't blame you one bit.

It's been similar for my wife and I - no arguments, happy life and we agree on 99% of things, and for similar reasons we agreed to separate and possible divorce.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Before doing something you will regret in the long run, try getting a full blood panel and perhaps even a psychological exam to see if you aren’t lacking something. Also join a gym or something if you aren’t already exercising to help with your dopamine.

OneViewpoint · Answer

No, I've never been exactly where you are but, I understand it. I don't condemn you for it. The road before you sucks. But it may be better at the end of that road.

DannyUk2017 · Answer

Well you didn't had a "real reason" but i did, caught her with "innocent text messages", so after 10 years i just gave up, too toxic...

exitseven · Answer

I went through this for a while. I think that I was just exhausted. After I got out of grad school and found a good job I felt better about my life.

Staximus · Answer

You have a kid and a husband now, it's not all about you anymore. It's time to stop just thinking about yourself.

SotiCoto · Answer

You're better off sticking with it. Maybe even trying to make it interesting.  Practical concerns should come before mere feelings or lack thereof.

Genie23 · Answer

Are you sure you're not depressed or emotionally exhausted?

Anonymous · Answer

I'm sorry, but you are an ungrateful woman and you absolutely don't deserve that husband. I can't understand how you can feel numb toward such a flawless man for no reason. I think your husband deserves a better woman than you.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Nope, almost 15 years of marriage and still going stronger than ever.

Raam1994 · Answer

Sometimes its feels like that. But I don’t know a life can be complete without a partner for ourselves.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Expectations are draining you which is why you feel the way you do.  My advice is just to chill and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Anonymous · Answer

so like... do you want a divorce? sadly this is what happens when you marry after only 1 year of dating...

andreasderjuengere · Answer

I felt and feel this way. But I do have 'real' reasons :)

Anonymous · Answer

I've heard this b4. You sound like my mother. She came to regret divorce.

jahaims · Answer

Sounds like unhealed trauma responses. Try couples therapy.

Bklynbadboy12 · Answer

Can I ask why do you feel this way? I get it nothing is wrong but you have to have a reason for feeling that way

Dorothy90 · Answer

I think some marry “cause it’s what expected of you” your friends are doing so you “wanna”.

Anonymous · Answer

Nope, I've never been married, and I've never been in a relationship.

Chocolatetwopointtwo · Answer

this is why i won't get married or have kids

Tempest_Flame · Answer

retards like you is why i will never get married

SamWinchester058 · Answer

"Holy midlife crisis Batman"

Have you ever realized you just don’t want to be married anymore even though nothing is “wrong”?

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