Husband says he can't rely on me, how to win him back?

[Anonymous]

We have been married a few months and have been arguing lots. When we argue he says I pick fights on purpose with him , but when.I try to explain he turns it around so that I'm always the one to.apologize I always feel like I'm wrong for feeling like I did . I feel like I cook for him, clean and.make sure he is.OK but he doesn't appreciate it. When I get depressed I can't help but cry all.the time, he ignores me when all.I need is a hug, but he feels I abuse.him verbally? When all I'm trying to express how I feel I'm really bad at it especially when he is all.defensive on me , I can understand how he could take it that way. We have talked and I've told him how I feel but now he says he can't rely in anyone but himself. I've lost his trust because of the fights. I'm really hurt by his attitude towards me, how do I reconcile this? I want to make it better, I care.for him, yet, I don't think I can take it.if he rejects my attempts. especially.when.I feel.he ha.no consideration for how I feel. I'm.really alone and worried we can't move on from this, please any advise?

[selfishstars]

It sounds like the two of you haven't learned how to communicate with each other effectively.

First, I want to say that it's actually quite common for couples to argue when they first start living together (and I expect that this is even more difficult if you've married before testing out how compatible you are living together). Living together means that you're in each others' faces pretty much all the time; you learn things about your partner that you often don't know (or don't know the extent of) from just dating them; you may have difficulties finding your "roles"; your habits, levels of cleanliness, desire for time together versus alone time, etc. might clash. It takes time and communication to understand each other, compromise, and find the right "fit". Many couples find a way to make things fit, but some couples are genuinely incompatible.

Take some time to think about what your expectations of your partner are, where you're willing to compromise, etc. Also take some time to evaluate your approach to communicating with your partner. Your partner says that he feels that you "abuse him verbally." Why? Are you yelling? Are you being passive-aggressive? Are you calling him names? Are you wording things in a way that make him feel worthless or incompetent? Are you being mindful of his feelings?

Keep in mind that this isn't just about YOU. While there may be things that he's doing or not doing that are upsetting you, there may also be things that you're doing or not doing that are upsetting you. He might be thinking, "Well, you're not perfect either."---because you probably aren't. Make sure that you're really listening to him and trying to understand him, rather than just focusing on your own feelings/the things that are bothering you.

When you talk to him about something that's bothering you, you need to do so in a rational, calm way. It's helpful to use "I statements"---"I feel ______ when you ______ because _______." rather than "You _________". When you word things as "You do x, y, and z", people are more likely to get defensive.

Try to keep your emotions in check. High emotions can impede good communication. I know that this is sometimes easier said than done, but when you start getting too emotional (crying, raising your voice or yelling), it makes it harder for you to think, and harder for you to listen. It also makes it harder for your partner to respond to you appropriately. Dealing with a crying woman can be difficult for men. It will affect his emotions---either making him feel like he has to take the blame because you're so upset (which can feel manipulating), making him want to withdraw, or raising his emotions higher (making it more difficult for him to listen and think/respond rationally).

[selfishstars]

Similarly, if you're angry and start raising your voice/yelling, it's going to make it harder for you to think rationally and listen, and harder for him to think rationally and listen; he will feel like he's being attacked, like you aren't going to hear what he's saying; he may respond by yelling back, or by withdrawing.

If either his or your emotions are getting too high, agree to take a step back to calm down and return to the discussion later.

[selfishstars]

He loves you enough to want to marry and spend his life with you. My guess is that he DOES care about your feelings, but your approach to him is making him defensive and causing him to withdraw.

It's hard to give more specific advice because you haven't included much detail (i.e. what types of things are you fighting about?); but do take some time to reflect on these things. Are you getting upset or annoyed about things that maybe aren't that big of a deal? Are you communicating your needs and

[selfishstars]

expectations in a calm, rational, and respectful way? Are your expectations reasonable? Are you taking the time to try to understand things from his point of view?

[sweetleaf]

well arguements are common between most couples but they shouldn't spoil your intimacy with him.now I would suggest you to relax your mind first and remind yourself that he loves you. (that's why he married you, right)

here's what you can do.

plan a special week for him. in this week, let him be him. I mean just agree to whatever he says and be willing to listen to him patiently.cook his favorite food.go out on a date. invite his friends home. look pretty. suprise him in bed. and say hw much you love him.

[sweetleaf]

make him feel too special and let him know how much you trust him.let this special week pass by..and remember in future don't fight or argue with him. just be calm, listen to him and they say what you feel calmly. a person naturally trusts someone when they know that you trust them.

[prophecy]

how long were you two together and how long you lived together before marriage?

[Asker]

Known him 5years amd.yes, haven't lived in before, we hardly ever fought I guess you don't really know someone till you live with them. :(