Will he ever marry me?

[pumpkinspiceX4]

I have been with my SO for 17 years. We have 4 kids. Our oldest will be 16, 13,9 and 2. I have asked him several times why we aren't married and he kept saying nows not the time, it will mess you up with school, just kept making excuses. Well I left during the pandemic and I eventually came back and he asked me to marry him then and I told him no. He said “too late”? I said he was only asking because I left and i want him to ask because he wants to get married.
he hasn't four years later.
his sister who has been in a relationship for 13 years just eloped and I told him how it makes me feel that everyone is getting married around me and yet he refuses to marry me. He said we will get married just not now. I dont know what to believe anymore. m done school i graduated with an associates degree.
can I have a guys input on why he won't marry me? Should I hold out that he will marry me or should I just end it and move on?

[Daniela1982]

If you have been together for 7 years you are already in a common law marriage.

Common Law Marriage
Common law marriage is allowed in a minority of states. A common law marriage is a legally recognized marriage between two people who have not purchased a marriage license or had their marriage solemnized by a ceremony. Not all states have statutes addressing common law marriage. In some states case law and public policy determine validity.

NOTE : NCSL is NOT a legal services organization. If you have questions about the circumstances leading to common law marriage, including the duration of cohabitation, please contact an attorney, a legal services organization, or the clerk of court near you.

States With Common Law Marriage
Colorado: Common law marriage contracted on or after Sept. 1, 2006, is valid if, at the time the marriage was entered into, both parties are 18 years or older, and the marriage is not prohibited by other law (Colo. Stat. §14-2-109.5)
Iowa: Common law marriage for purposes of the Support of Dependents Chapter (Iowa Code §252A.3) Otherwise it is not explicitly prohibited (Iowa Code §595.1A)
Kansas: Common law marriage will be recognized if the parties are 18 or older and for purposes of the Divorce and Maintenance Article, proof of common law marriage is allowed as evidence of marriage of the parties (Kan. Stat. §23-2502; Kan. Stat. §23-2714)
Montana: Not strictly prohibited, they are not invalidated by the Marriage Chapter (Mont. Stat. §40-1-403)
New Hampshire: Common Law Marriage: "persons cohabiting and acknowledging each other as husband and wife, and generally reputed to be such, for the period of 3 years, and until the decease of one of them, shall thereafter be deemed to have been legally married." (N. H. Stat. §457:39)
South Carolina: allows for marriages without a valid license (S. C. Stat. §20-1-360)
Texas: Common Law Marriage in specific circumstances (Tex. Family Law §1.101; Tex. Family Law §2.401-2.402)
Utah: Utah Stat. §30-1-4.5

Check to see if your state has Common Law marriages.

[SueShe]

It is time to have a decisive talk with him and to place him in front of his responsibilities.

It was not time for him to marry you when your first child was born and not when all the subsequent were born. It will never be the right time for him as he will always come up with excuses. If you don't put your foot down, it will never happen.

His next excuse will be "we have been together for so long, why marry at all. It worked out fine till now, why change anything to the setting"!

No, that is not how it works. You want security for your children and the fact that he does not want to marry you also is a slap in your face because that is what you are seeking in your relationship.

You have to make it clear to him that this is an issue you are no longer willing to bargain with because you cannot flourish and it is eating you out that he does not want to commit. Good luck.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

I have actually told him this, that Its more for security purposes in case something were to happen to him. Then he said”oh you think my parents will F you over”? I told him no because if they do that they will loose the ability to see their grandkids. That its the principal of the fact that we have been together almost 20 years that I want to make it official and share my kids last name with their father. The death of my father unexpectedly last year made me realize if anything were to happen I have nothing legally protecting me as our house is in his name only. He tells people we are married but it’s not the same. After his sister got married this year it became a slap in the face. I don't even want a big wedding Im fine going to the courthouse thats all I need.

[SueShe]

Your kids' security is the key word here even if they are already older and no long toddlers or small. If you let him have it his way, he will never marry you and you will never have this one thing that would give you the security you need.

One thing you must not do is to try to involve his parents to put pressure on him. That would be a big mistake because you are likely to make things worse.

Keep putting the pressure on him and don't let go even if that means you have to have arguments about that topic.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

Thank you. Hopefully I can get this through to him and before I have given up on us.
Love doesn't solve everything.

[SueShe]

Do never give up on yourself and your relationship. That is what he wants and expects.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

I really don’t want to. I love this man with every fiber of my being. I been with him almost half my life. I don't want anyone else.

[SueShe]

I believe every word you say but he is satisfied with the status quo that has existed since you got together and any changes would mean that he loses the freedom of not having this paper that ties him to you in a legal way.

Don't give up and fight for what you believe it.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

Thank you so much for your advice. 😘

[SueShe]

I wish you all the best. I know you can do it. Just believe in yourself and your power of persuasion.

[_Maya_]

I thought I'd let you know that there was a new addition to the world recently. Mother and daughter are healthy and well.

[SueShe]

@_Maya_ Really, how wonderful. I forgot totally about it. I need to contact the person. Thank you so much for letting me know :-)

[pumpkinspiceX4]

@_Maya_ What?

[_Maya_]

It has been a sleepless night thousand years of miles away waiting for updates. I spoke to her for a very brief moment and her husband for a few. She is exhausted but well. I am patiently waiting for the first picture.

@pumpkinspiceX4 my apologies for bringing a personal conversation on your post. I think you have some good advice here.

[SueShe]

@_Maya_ I just contacted that person now. Thanks again for the info and have a great day.

[SueShe]

@pumpkinspiceX4 I do apologize for misusing your question for a private conversation. It will not happen again. Sorry.

@_Maya_ I would love to chat with you on that topic and I if you want, it would be an honor to have you among those I trust to DM.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

It’s okay, I was just thrown off by the first comment.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

@_Maya_ it’s okay. I was just a little thrown off by the first comment.

[SueShe]

Thanks for the MHO and sorry again for misusing your thread for private conversations :-(

[pumpkinspiceX4]

Your welcome. Thank you again for your advice. Its okay.

[Billlewis]

I agree with the idea that it may be time to turn the screws a little tighter. After all, you've known each other for nearly two decades.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

“Turn the screws a little tighter”, I've never heard this analogy before. I feel like your saying to try harder.

[Billlewis]

By that, I mean, start bringing up the subject more often. Say things like, 'Alright, Summer's almost here... are we going to make it official this year or next Spring?', etc.

[Iwantvictory126]

I think he means to raise concerns about this and retract energy a little?

[Billlewis]

If you keep gently but insistently talking about it, he'll likely become more committed to getting it done.

[pumpkinspiceX4]

I will try this. I like this. I never approached it like this.

[Billlewis]

Yes, ma'am. From a strategic and psychological standpoint, going at it with one big sit down will be easier to deal with than a series of brief skirmishes that you can initiate at any time. Simply put, the main reason he hasn't tied the knot yet is because you haven't compelled him to do so.

[Iwantvictory126]

That makes sense. I know someone who did that, and just eloped last March. Which was wild because I could swear he wouldn't settle down with her...

[Anonymous]

He won’t marry you. Why do you still, after 17 (!) years keep hoping and thinking that he’ll marry you? It’s very clear that he won’t. And why would he? You’re like his wife in every single way except legally so again, why would he? He doesn’t want to risk divorce and the financial impact it would have on him. That’s the reason he won’t marry you. You’ve been together for 17 years, you have 4 kids. You have done wifey things for him without that ring and now he has no reason to marry you. You make sure you get married BEFORE any such things as buying peoperty, having kids, making his dinner, doing the laundry, preferably before even having sex. That’s so he actually have to marry you if he wants a life with you. You’ve ”given” it away for free so to speak and now it’s too late. He will not marry you. And you should not leave him for it. You have decided to have kids with him, so now you need to stay and make things work at least until the youngest is grown up. The fact that you want marriage is not more important than keeping your family intact. If marriage was important to you you should’ve insisted on that at least before having the children.

[Daniela1982]

You would think...

[EmmaMary]

@pumpkinspiceX4

Unfortunately you must resign yourself to the fact that this is never, ever going to happen.

Sadly with having four children your options are now somewhat more limited.

[strateguy632]

he did ask you! as you wrote

[pumpkinspiceX4]

It wasn't a real proposal. It was the equivalent to the STFU ring women get. Mine was a SFUP

[butterly248]

Move on. I'm sorry

[In_Trance]

What's the point?