Is it OK to test my wife's loyalty?

Question

if yes how do I do it? for the past three months I have noticed a change in her  behavior . like she is not the same as she used be while having sex. I work evening shift and come home at midnight. I try to call her during my break but her phone is either busy or switched off. we used to go out for dinner on my off days but now she simply refuse saying she is not in mood. should I ask her what's going on or just keep an eye on her? how do I do it? because of this I m getting sleepless nights and stress.

ilovelegs · Accepted Answer

You should do all three, but in the following order of progression.  First, talk with her and ask her why you can never reach her on the phone during your break.  Tell her you like to talk with her once while you're working but wonder why the phone is either always busy or switched off?  Make sure you get an answer that you're satisfied with.  In other words, question her answer in a nice and non threatening way if you still have little questions about what she said.  2)  If you're not satisfied with her answer then start keeping an eye on her. That doesn't mean to come home when least expected at night and see if can see a guy there, etc. Just be much more observing of what she says and does as compared to how she used to be before.  If you notice a new pattern has developed during the time you have noticed a change in her behavior, then question her in a nice way as before but listen a little more closely to see if her story makes sense or if you can sense she's lying. 3)  if You're still not satisfied, then make a bigger effort to find out what's going on.  In nothing has improved after your approaching her with # one and 2, then you need to be much more observing of everything she says and does and really questions things she says and does that doesn't seem to make sense to you or be the truth.  Follow up on anything you think you need to.  You're not being sneaky because you're only protecting your interests, and if she's been cheating then she's been the sneaky one.  These things have been happening her behavior because there's a reason.  You need to find out the reason.  You have a right to a totally loyal and faithful wife... and her love  Test her in anyway you can think of but hold your anger back because you won't make any headway's when you're angry.  If you've gotten this far I'd say she's cheating on you or else for some reason she's gotten very unhappy with you and/or your marriage.  This is where you need to evaluate yourself and being honest with yourself of how you've been and how you've been treating her and all that goes with being a husband because there's a chance that you may find yourself at fault.   If you value your marriage you need to get to the bottom of what's been going on before one day she asks for a divorce.  Maybe you should look at this last thing I said and put it before # one because then you won't risks the chance of maybe accusing her for something that she's not to blame. From you last questions I'd say something fishy is going on while you're at work.   I wish you the best of luck!

normalice · Accepted Answer

obviously the best course of action is to just ask her what's going on.

but, if you are keen on spying on her, there are obvious ideas:

-take a day or two off and follow her around

-look through her phone see who she calls a lot

-ask someone else to follow her around

-go through her browser history

there are other more intense things to do, but you should try these first as they are easier.

of course, if you do decide to go through with this, you can not ask her what's going on or she'll be on her guard.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

At first, just talk to her about it point blank, what her behavior seems to indicate, and mention how the worry is affecting. If she does say something like 'why can't you trust me', it's valid to say that if you acted the way she acted, she would have suspected something too. Also, she has been distant to you for the past three months and not sharing so you don't know what has changed with her anymore. It's obvious that you do want to talk to her since you call on your breaks (that's really sweet of you by the way. that's great)

Although it sounds like cheating to me, there is a slim chance that she's angry about something. Does she work too and if so, do you guys do your fair share of housework? Do you guys have kids and have you not been helping out with some of the housework or spending quality time with them?

However, if she doesn't open up or her reasons don't sound valid, then yes, pay more attention when you're there. Have you noticed her texting or talking on the phone more? Ask to get to know her friends because you still want to know her/ what's going on with her. Give a short, concise summary of your day before ask her where she went throughout the days. Try asking who she went with. (So you only hung out with the girls today?) If she doesn't share enough, I would ask if she had any guy friends. Pay attention to her reactions. Tell her you do want to be part of her life, even if it means getting the approval of all her friends. It's a little strange to not meet / know your spouse's friends these days. If she doesn't open up, then I think it's time to see if she's being unfaithful. Who wants to catch STI's and STD's?

What type of sites are on the history of the computer? I'm NOT saying break into her accounts. Just be aware if she has been looking for someone by looking at the sites.

If you reached the point where you're 50% sure that she's cheating. Go ahead and look for proof. You already tried being open about your concerns. She refused to fix them or reveal them, which points to cowardly infidelity. It's time to see if your marriage is truly a marriage. Look through her phone and come home early unexpectedly. Other people have advice on this part.

LJHam · Accepted Answer

Have you mentioned this change in her behavior to her? If not, then present it casually & calmly.

Say something like, "Honey, I've noticed some changes in the past few months. When I try to call you during my breaks, it either goes directly to VM because the phone is turned off or it simply isn't answered. We used to go out on my days off but lately you haven't been in the mood. I really miss those evenings. I want to go out with you when I don't have to work. And I've also noticed a difference in our love making."

When you phrase things in a non-accusal manner, then your partner is less likely to be put on the defensive. Be sure to emphasis a change in her behavior, not a change in her personally. Ask if there is something that you've done that has led her to act differently.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Maybe she is depressed? Tell her straight-up, "I have noticed a change in your behavior, it seems like you are sad or pushing me away and that concerns me. Are you ok?"

something like that... good luck!

kereru · Answer

you should definitely talk to her about it but it's just stupid to assume it's infidelity, and if you accuse her of that, you're going to make things ten times worse if it's not true (and it probably isn't)

Burlesquebabydoll · Answer

talk to her because you wouldn't want her testing you and doing things behind you back so talk to her

Anonymous · Answer

It's not really a good idea - trust is the cornerstone of every relationship and if you need to test her loyalty then you don't have trust and the rot has already set in.

It won't matter whether she's loyal or not, the damage will be done.

Deathcabforcutie · Answer

No. plus didn't uou say you make out with girls at gay bars?

statue · Answer

Just talk and listen to her but don't test her, it is no good for your marriage.

SixFootSexy · Answer

Sounds like what you need is some good advice, and you can find it here:

Anonymous · Answer

No..don't test her and play games.  That could easily backfire.  Just talk to her about your concerns.

Anonymous · Answer

dont, just try and talk to her. tell her how much you love her and that you don't want your relationship to change.

Anonymous · Answer

Don't test her or play games, that's childish. Just ask her straight up what's wrong. Communication is key in a marriage.

dudeman · Answer

go ahead and test her, but its bullsh*t she's not putting out. that's grounds for divorce

Brookeelise · Answer

You should not feel the need to test your wife's loyalty don't do it

Anonymous · Answer

Dude she's probably cheating on you! Go with your gut!

Anonymous · Answer

you should obviously ask her about this and if you honestly think you have reason to doubt her trust I guess you could keep an eye out for her

Anonymous · Answer

no, that is dumb

Anonymous · Answer

no, you should just trust her

Anonymous · Answer

I would test her if I were you

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