How can I encourage my girlfriend to be more independent?

[Anonymous]

I posted a similar question a week or so ago.

She's recently told me she WANTS to be an archaeologist, but is GOING to do dermatology for me. I've said countless times since then that she should do what she's most interested in, but she says she's doing everything for me. That bothers me.

She initially said -- months ago, we've been together for years now -- she plans on doing dermatology. Having kids. Staying in her home state. Now she's uncertain.

When I tell her to do archaeology, she says "No." and wants to change the subject. Should I be as worried as I am?

[bettyboopdog]

No, to be honest archaeology isn't a practical job anyway.. She's thinking of the future and while it comes across as being too attached she's just being responsible. She is still interested in a powerful and independent job (that involves digging in a gross way haha) but if she wasn't doing it for you it would be for someone else. She wants a job that allows her to have a family potently. Maybe a fun thing for you to do for her to keep her dream alive (but as a hobby) take her to locations where fossils were found as a surprise or a place where they have archaeological digs for tourists. Also tell her that independence is a turn on for you.

[Asker]

This is the kind of answer I want to hear, but it worries me when the majority are what others say/have said. It's like. I want her happy and to do what she wants, but in another country without me? I don't know. As for doing it as a hobby, I suggested that. I don't know. Hopefully this is figured out soon. >:[

[sadieJ]

I would be a bit concerned. She's pretty dependent and insecure. She probably doesn't want to pursue her own dreams in fear of losing you in the process. If you want her do her own thing then tell her and convince her that you aren't going anywhere. Tell her how much you want her to do this for herself. Maybe give her information for colleges for archaeology. Encourage her to be independent in other aspects of life as well.

If she allows herself to give up everything for a relationship, eventually somewhere down the road there will be resentment. And that's not an easy thing to live with and can completely destroy a relationship.

[Asker]

"She probably doesn't want to pursue her own dreams in fear of losing you in the process" That's what she said. Then she went on to say that she doesn't think archaeology is realistic. And then she kept going on and on about "I don't want to have to travel nonstop" and all of that, but I feel like that's just her way of trying to convince herself that her not doing what she wants to do is a good thing. It's a headache.

[sadieJ]

She makes good points about her dream job, but is she using these excuses for other things too? Dreams are achievable without having to give up other parts of your life. There may be delays, or pitfalls, but it doesn't mean you can't have what you want.

[Asker]

I have no idea. I keep trying to find out though. It's more difficult than it should be.

[sadieJ]

It is very difficult and I wish there was an easy solution. Relationships aren't meant to be easy.

Maybe try couple's counseling. Let her know how unhappy it makes you to see her holding herself back.

Be prepared if things come to a breaking point and the relationship doesn't work. If she can't see it now, she may not ever see it, and things may crash.

[MissAlexandra]

You should be really worried that you have someone like this on your hands. In ten years when she hates her job, she'll be saying it's your fault because you "forced" her into this (when in reality it's completely her decision, but she's doing this to please you). I wouldn't trust ANYONE who would change their entire direction in life just to please someone- doesn't it worry you that she doesn't even have her own mind? She has to leach on you instead?

You aren't the problem in this relationship.. she's just really.. odd.

[angel1142]

I would be bothered too.

Go to the roots of the problem and ask her why she changed her mind. Then you'll see if it's really because of you or if there is something else.

If she really does this to please you somehow, just reveal to her that it's freaking you out rather than anything else...be honest and she'll get it. She may need some time to process it then but she'll be fine.

[Asker]

She's said she changed her mind because of me.

[angel1142]

That's not enough...it's a life choice here she's making! She can't make it based only on what you like.. regardless how much she loves you!

[Asker]

I know. I said "You should do what makes you happiest." ... she said "You make me happiest." It always goes back to me. It's pretty irritating.

[angel1142]

...she has to get her life is about her. You need her to be a minimum self-centered or it puts a lot of pression on you, getting her to be happy and make her life works along with yours... Uh, that's not really your job. She should know it.

[tikitaki123]

well it depends, do you see yourself in the long run with her? if not, then you obviously need to tell her that you're not sure the relationship is moving at the pace you want it to.

even if you do like where it's going, you need to tell her that she needs to be doing what she wants because you don't like that she's planning everything around you and your life.

[Asker]

I do want to be with her. I just feel like she owes it to herself to do what she wants.

[samhradh_leannan]

I think you need to tell her that this is really serious and concerning to you, and insist that she discuss it with you. Let her know that you care about her and it will also affect you, so it's only fair for her to let you into her head. Ask her to let you know what she really wants and why she's making the choices she is making. Hopefully she will see your point and open up about it, and from there you can share your concerns and your input.

[KryHeart]

Yes, because she's letting you inhibit her future. Tell her that you want what's best for her and what will make her the happiest, and that her choosing dermatology is making you unhappy, not the other way around. Be VERY firm and don't let the subject drop, because if she's like me, she actually REALLY wants to talk about it, and is avoiding it out of courtesy.

[mommymonica]

it seems like she is insecure or scared to lose you so is over eager to try and please you.im in a similar situatuion with my bf.just stick by her decision even if its irrational.explain to her that you love her and she needs to make her happy not you.and in the long run if she is happy and fufiled in her own life it will bring more to your life together.