I've been in a bad place recently. I spent the night at the hospital last night because I was suicidal but I'm still breathing and I'm still flying.
I don't really know how it happened but last night I was at the very end of my rope. I was ready to do it and end it but through a series of events I'd rather not get into as they are actually embarrassing, even for this (it did involve a police wellness check and to that officer I am eternally grateful), I ended up in a hospital.
A room a whole hell of a lot like that one.
I couldn't sleep all night.
I spent most of the night laying in bed eavesdropping on the nurses talking at the desk about 20 feet away (I've got fucking awesome hearing). It wasn't that their conversation was about me. It wasn't. It was about cars; a nurse was looking for a new car and the whole night they talked about where to buy, and their car experiences (one particular nurse once had a broken tail light and got pulled over three times in one day by three different cops in her town).
Last night I realized I was still breathing. I'm going to get help. I can't do this by myself. I do that and I lose. Its not being strong to just lay down and die all by yourself. Its not being strong to not talk to someone because you find it awkward. So that's what I did, I'm getting help.