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I [M19] hate myself. What can I do?

Just got back from a trip to Venice with a girl i really like. We were with two friends too. I wanted to confess my feelings to her, but i found out she was planning to see her ex soon.

I really liked her. She’s not only pretty, but also full of energy and cheerful. She’s full of friends and parties lots of times. Her ex loves her so much and so does she ( they broke up due to distance ).
I want to smile like her. Feel loved like she’s.
What a perfect life.

On the other hand, i hate myself. I try to be funny and kind with everyone, and i think i’m that way. But at the same time, i take daily doses of zoloft for my depression. I like creating stories and reading, but looking at her makes me feel like shit. I don’t have friends and the only ones i had abandoned me when they got into a relationship ( this girl, too, when she got with her ex ).

I’m thinking about cutting my veins.
I can’t keep on dreaming of myself in a relationship, especially due to my rapid hair loss and other problems. Every time i liked someone, it was never mutual, and a relationship seems unreachable to me.

I just need help.
I [M19] hate myself. What can I do?
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