I'm a 20 year old girl, I used to be in therapy all my school years and I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety at 12. All my life people called me a weirdo, people walked all over me because I was too nice of a person even when I was treated horrible and up to this day I struggle hard, even though it got better as I got older. It was suspected I might have autism or ADD and I quit therapy.
One of my hobbies is gaming. A step I made is that I'm no longer afraid to talk to people in voice chats. I play competitive and on one of my accounts I'm in the clan of a friend. We play Clanwars all the time and you're disqualified if you don't use voice chat. There's always several different people from the clan in the call. As a girl using vc it's already hard enough, I get the classic go to the kitchen comments and all that and on top of that some rude guys actively try to troll me. I notice that but I never know how to respond and I assume that's why they think it's so funny. I don't understand sarcasm most of the time either. I'm always just like teehee haha and I can never defend myself on the spot, only after the call I know what I could have done.
My socials got leaked and my looks don't help me. People just see me as a blonde airhead with too much makeup and how I act confirms their assumptions. I literally act like I'm retarded and I'm not even sure anymore if I'm really like that because of a defense mechanism, because of my anxiety or if I really am dumb. Some guy asked me once if I really am this lost or if I'm just pretending. A guy plain out called me stupid last week, I went like "oh, haha". Like, really? I hate how I keep thinking about it. My head just goes blank especially when I'm treated like this
I could just cry all the time because it's also like that in real life. It's so humiliating. I have no social skills at all. I don't even want to join calls anymore but I don't want to quit gaming. I keep wondering why I am I even here
