Why do I keep feeding my insecurities?

[Anonymous]

I’ve recently became sober (almost 2 months) and after I became sober I have released some things I don’t like about myself and then I started looking into the things I’m insecure about and I just kept feed and feeding myself to hate myself more and I don't know why? Has anyone else done this?

[AmandaYVR]

Well, why doesn't really matter. Question is how to stop it, right.

Whatever you think, the neural pathways get reinforced and become stronger, while the things you don't think about slowly atrophy and die off. So, the solution is every time you have one of these negative, self-defeating thoughts, you must immediately change the thought away from that to something else, something more positive or productive.

The other thing is to actually work on the things you don't like about yourself (the ones that are actually changeable), and then you won't have to fixate on what you are lacking. (Easier said than done, right?) Focus on the things you can change, not the things you can't. You can't change your height. But you can build up your chest musculature to feel more confident and strong and capable. You can't change that you are an introvert, but you can make your communication and relationships with people better and more fulfilling, have more clarity, fewer misunderstandings and awkwardness. You get the gist?

Another technique is to give yourself a designated worry-rumination-thinking time. It's a set amount of time (like 20 min, or an hour), at a designated time. But before and after that, you simply don't allow it. Because more thinking does not equal better thinking. Be productive. Don't spin your wheels.

I could come up with more, easily, but I'll stop here.

[Asker]

Could you actually come up with more? I won’t lie to you all the things are physical traits that I can’t change, before the drugs I hardly cared about my physique but now it’s literally all I can think about.

[AmandaYVR]

Ok. So, in that case, I'd say go with distraction and deflection. You downplay the things you don't like, and try to emphasize the good. Styling can do a lot. Trust me. I used to work in fashion, and then went to hairdressing school. And photography. This may come down more to marketing than psychological work.

One of the sexiest men I've ever known was short. I was about to write Napoleon-short, but I heard he was actually 5'7", which is short for a man, but there are shorter. And this man was shorter. But I digress.

Don't like your hair, or head shape? Get into hats. Not baseball caps, no. Cool, retro-inspired, menswear fabric, pinstripe, and the like. "Too dressy." Nope, they don't have to be. They're much cooler when paired with casual clothing, actually.

Don't like your hair? Find a stylist who's a young cool girl or woman, 20s or 30s. In a salon. Tell her you want to look cool. (Or whatever it is you want.) Bring pictures. All the words in the world are not nearly as effective as bringing in a few pictures. Front, back, side, preferably. Look up men's hairstyles online. Save some on your phone.
You can ask for some highlights. Colour adds interest.
Work with your natural texture. Thick? Fine? Coarse? Straight? Wavy? Curly? There are styles to suit all of these, bring out the best your hair can do. But some lighter balayage highlights on top and framing the face... they almost always look good.
Or you can do some bright colour if you want, but that's a whole other thing.

Layer. Can't say this enough. Layer your clothing. Men often dress too simply. A commonality with all good outfits is they have layers. The way that we see you men is that you are a present, and we want to unwrap you. (In sex, let the girl take off your clothes. It's sexier and more fun that way. And she gets to set the pace. But I don't know how old you are, so I won't go too far down that path...)

[AmandaYVR]

Don't freak out about "looking gay." Just ignore that. If you hired a professional female stylist, she would layer you. A scarf, a leather bracelet, a hat, maybe a chain. A belt. Good shoes. A jacket. Could be a bomber, biker, sportjacket, blazer... but something. Pick an interesting fabric. The colour can be neutral and simple, if you want, but consider the fabric and cut. Cut is very important too. Not too baggy, right. But if a jacket is too small, and you gain 5 pounds of weight, or muscle, then it won't look right, so financially it's best to avoid super slim or athletic or Italian cuts. (Do you live in the States? Go to a department store that carries many labels/brands. You'll start to notice these descriptive terms on some of the tags.) Maybe you can't afford much of an upgrade to your wardrobe, but do what you can. Go to a cool thrift store, if nothing else. Give those clothes a good wash to get rid of any musty scent, but generally speaking clothes were better made in the past.
Avoid polyester. It doesn't breathe well.

[AmandaYVR]

If you want to feel good, listen to music that makes you feel good. With headphones on, and some new clothes, you can start to feel a bit more comfortable on the street.
But don't rely on that, and hide forever. When you go about your day, do business, school, work, whatever, be accessible. Start small. Eye contact. Say "Hey, what's up?" to people. It's almost rhetorical, right, but you do this stuff in stages, small steps.

Ask if you can pet a dog. Ask the next person (like a cashier or clerk or whatever), "So, how's your day going?" and then really look like you listen. Get pas the robot talk, you know?

If you start wearing interesting clothing, girls (or whatever you're into) are going to notice. A cool graphic t-shirt underneath a cool jacket, with a striped classic hat, worn tilted... you are already becoming someone others want to know.
Next step - having something interesting to say.

[AmandaYVR]

Here's some examples:
www.lightinthebox.com/.../...ack-hat_p8742304.html

[Asker]

I think you actually might have given me the best advice so far

[AmandaYVR]

That's great.
Helps to know some more specifics.

How old are you?
And do you have facial hair?

[Asker]

I’m almost 23 and yes i do but still waiting for the cheeks to come in

[AmandaYVR]

Ok. Well this may not be applicable for you, but this barber is really good. He does a lot of videos for GQ.
www.youtube.com/watch
And Tom Ford does styling for GQ. You might want to check those out. Just something to consider...
www.youtube.com/results

[Blondeguy666]

This is definitely the best advice here so far.

[Blondeguy666]

Doing affirmations of how you wish to perceive yourself more positively right before you go to bed works quite well. There are also all kinds of affirmation videos on YouTube made for while you are asleep, too.

[Tephra]

I can agree with AmandaYVR on how to stop these destructive thought patterns. However, at the end of the day everyone has insecurities, and everyone is flawed in some way whether they show it or not.

I'd say write down a list of insecurities you have, and list out the ones you can change and ones you cannot. Do this with a list of flaws as well. With the list of flaws you can re-frame them into something more positive, instead of shaming yourself for it.

For example, I am extremely stubborn in my work place environment, but I am only like this because I want to excel in my role and go above and beyond for the company. Or I am extremely lazy, but I am like this because I need more rest time compared to most people. Everyone is different, there was no copy and paste for us.

I had a friend who was effortlessly shameless, and he did not care but people still liked him because he was so transparent about himself and still stuck by him despite being shameless.

[Blondeguy666]

You literally programmed yourself to do so without realising it, probably due to things other people taught you as a child and your brain and nervous system are firing the circuits they have been repeatedly imprinted with. The word brainwashing in itself implies that you are clearing away something that has been added to the brain and now you are in the process of brainwashing yourself. Congratulations you're officially more self-aware than half of humanity (that's being generous to our species as a whole). If I weren't running low on energy from staying up far too long, I'd send you some links to books on Jungian psychology, epigenetics, hypnosis, meditation, and some more esoteric, far less scientific stuff. The more you self-reflect, the more you'll learn about yourself, and the more you'll break free from societal programming. A good first step for you may be looking up "Jungian shadow work" and see how that resonates with you.

[Guy13]

No idea but you obviously need some counseling from a trusted source like a Pastor or counselor, or parent or family figure that you trust and will be honest with you.

[La_isla_bonita23]

So sorry to hear that…
Have you ever seen a psychologist?

[Asker]

I have in the past but for some reason I can’t be open to them, In real life I can’t let people in, I don't know if this is the right way to explain it but for some reason I have adapted this trait to make people think that I’m doing good but in the inside things are not good and I can’t reach out. I’ve recently opened up to Some people that I’ve known for a long time but they actually made me feel worse then I already did and I don’t even think they realized it

[La_isla_bonita23]

Can you tell me what is the problem in general?
Love, financial troubles, family
Plus, You can tell me through private message if you want to

[Asker]

I will do that

[Fanfare690]

It sounds like you're healing

[Fanfare690]

Instead of hating yourself... accept yourself. And get better

[Asker]

How does it sound like I’m healing?

[Fanfare690]

Self realization... self reflection my brother.
Now all you need is to accept the old you. Dont beat yourself up any more. No one is perfect

[Fanfare690]

Self awareness is so important

[Asker]

Yeah but like before I didn’t care who I was physically but now it’s 70% of the things I think about every day and It’s stupid because there all things I can not change about myself