- s
Accepting that no matter how hard I try, my parents will never love me.
They never wanted me, they don't care about me and they never will. I feel a bit jealous of people who have a family who truly loves and supports them. But I know it's not their fault, nobody chooses in which family they're born in.
This is the only thing that I will never have, even if I spent years and years working on it.
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That I can't be good enough for everyone.
But accepting it helped a lot.
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That it doesn't matter how good I actually am & that I'll only be as good as people's perceptions of me.
- u
when I was around 12 or so...
I used to feel bad because my older brother wasn't as close to me and being around five years olders, he just wanted to be with his friends all the time instead...
however, I realized that I was not being the best older brother to my younger one... and although I was with him most of the time, I wasn't that good of a brother like I would have wanted one and sometimes I was even mean to him
I still remember how that guilt feels sometimes, because it was during a kid fight... and he was so upset he was really was trying to punch me and he did yell at me "why" and that "why are you bothering me" just broke me... it really did
but I promised to him that day... it would never happen ever again, and it didn't... ever since that day, I've been dedicated to be the best person I could ever be, to him... and I've always tried to be that, and he knows it, I was not only a brother, but I've also been a friend to him, and a guide as well, because he ended up looking up to me in some ways... and it others, very much like me so I made sure he understood, how important it is to control our not so good sides
he has become a much better man than I am... I've always said that and always mean that too I think I base most of my validation in life on athletic success and being attractive to women. I’m kicking 45’s door down, and just knowing I’m on the downswing, and well into it, is a bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes I catch myself thinking like there’s a second act of youth, like I just need to weather this and use it as a time to get to my best and hit the ground running when it comes back around again, but then I realize nothing but old age lies ahead. I had my time already. I don’t have any strong regrets from those days, but soon I won’t be able to keep up as an athlete, and my looks will fade and beautiful young women won’t even notice me.
It’s already starting, and that’s real hard on me. That’s just what life has always been about, that’s the goal when I wake up everyday, that’s what makes me feel fulfilled, however shallow some of it might be. And the thing is, I bring so much more than that to the table. Those aren’t even my best qualities, I’m not an elite athlete or an elite looker, I’m hopefully a 7 if I’m lucky, in both areas…and that’s probably on a curve, AFTER we pluck all the models and professional athletes out of gen-pop to let the rest of us painfully average people fight it out😂
Honestly, I think I’m a great guy in a lot of ways, if I was looking at myself from the 3rd person. I guess it would be worse if sports and chasing women were all I had, with nothing to fall back on. But those great qualities I have, for whatever reasons, aren’t the ones I’m chasing and aren’t the ones that fulfill me. I wish they did. I hope they eventually will.
I realized that you can't achieve anything real unless you are willing to endure the same pain and hardship that others in the really bad situations are going through. For somebody who lives in a rich country as most North Americans do, it might be hard to accept that the same God that is in America is the same God that is in Kenya or Somali. Because the trajectory of life is so broad, I've met good intentioned people who totally missed the point while trying to sort through their lives.
I have sacrificed a huge piece of myself and my entire 20s and my soul.
For what?
To get back my basic human rights and escape from my toxic family and a dictatorship infected region, that my parents have dragged me into.
Imagine not having to do that by simply being born in Germany AND NOT LEAVING GERMANY FOR A DAMN region, that is falling apart by it's cruel dictators.
Often times I am the bringer of my misfortune in life. And that I could be so much better than I already am yet I chose to stay in my comfort zone of mediocrity - I have a lot of changes I need to make for 2024 lol
It's hard for me to say and express my true thoughts to those who know me because I know if they did know the real me or if I tried to let the real me show, they would hate him or quickly abandon him
That I'm an incredibly difficult person to befriend. I'm neurotic, intense and anxious, making everything life-or-death because that's how my mind works
that i had no goal, no desire i can actually get in this world and i would eventually go down to nothing.
When I think about how cruel humans can be in certain situations.. Killing, stealing, rape.. And I think that in the wrong circumstances.. That could very well be me doing those things.. That haunts me.. That haunts me..
THAT I DON'T PEOPLE AROUND ME TO FEEL LOVED AND THAT I HAVE BEEN LIMITING MYSELF BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WOULD SAY.
I have past my prime and will experience a gradual diminishing of my physical and mental abilities until I die
Probably going to spend the rest of my days alone and not ever knowing what is was like to be truly loved by a woman.
I've spent too many years of my life trying to validate my self worth with people who don't care about me unless I was useful to them. Also learning my self hatred of myself will probably linger even with therapy.
That no matter how much weight I lose, I’m probably never going to get rid of this soda belly 😞
That I can't have a healthy serious long term relationship with someone
I will never fit in with mainstream society, and I will never care either.
IM ALMOST CERTAINLY GOING TO DIE ALONE HAVING NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED
I can't help being honest even if what I say upsets people
That I belong to the human species. The most atrocious species who has ever existed.
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