Is jokingly guilt tripping your boyfriend really that evil?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is super super busy with school. He tries to spend time with me during the week. I see him once a week... maybe twice. Sometimes for only an hour at a time. We try to hang out all weekend, but we spend a lot of time doing work. We're just both really busy... and he's definitely busier than me. My schedule just happened to be lighter at school this semester.

Anywho, he was only able to stay for 45 min today and I was a little sad... and he barely even kissed me... and I could tell he was stressed out because he didn't pick up on any of my cues to start an in depth conversations. I was kind of sad. I mean, at least couldn't we have some quality time if quantity wasn't there?

On his way out I sort of guilt tripped him... not seriously. I mean, I was frowning and I had a smile at the same time. I thought it was apparent I was kidding? I really just wanted him to throw me on my bed and make out with me for like 2 min before he left... but he didn't get that hint either.

Apparently I really upset him. I thought it was clear I was kidding... he texted me that he hates being guilt tripped and that just makes him want to leave even more. Can't he take a joke though? I mean, I was a little bummed he had to go and that I barely get to see him, but I DO get it. Is that so terrible?

Yes

No

Other

[Jager66]

honestly he is probably seeing your willingness to joke about giving a guilt trip as a MAJOR red flag, like big time bad juju. Even tho you say it was a joke it was in part very much not a joke because you did it from a feeling of disappointment so calling it a joke is just going to sound like your lying or aren't very self aware.

if you are willing to send him a guilt trip this early in the relationship over something he can't control or you won't communicate then how is he going to be treated in the future when you guys are much more comfortable and you've got him by the emotional balls?!

[Asker]

good point... maybe I shouldn't do that. I guess I'm just trying to show him that I want him around. I don't know how to show him I like him. How do I do that? I thought acting like that might make him think I want him around more... but maybe not

[Jager66]

just be straight forward and open about it, you could even make it fun by being playful or flirty instead of gilt trip or manipulation, make him feel wanted but understand and accept that maybe he can't always be around due to life getting in the way.

[Asker]

just outwardly say "I don't want you to go"? Isn't that a little blunt? I feel bad... I wasn't trying to be manipulative. I guess I have no idea how to show affection apparently. Do you have any good examples of what would be flirty or playful instead of manipulative and guilt trip-ish?

[Jager66]

its a bit blunt yest but that is a good thing in this situation as it seems your hints are either not working or coming out as manipulative. Remember what you see as terribly blunt he will see it as a few shades less blunt then you do. Expecting him to read your mind is a sure way to fail, if you have an expectation of him then you need to make it very clear, you can do this by being blunt or if you like you can be playful, flirty, seductive or what ever works for you.

[Jager66]

really this all just boils down to proper communication, its a skill and the sooner you learn it the better off you will be.

[Asker]

hmmm yeah. I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I don't know if it worked or not though.

[Jager66]

thats fine, if he's reasonable he will let it go but probably be watching to see if you keep doing it is all.

[Asker]

he's so serious... takes the fun out of being funny! :/

[Jager66]

lol that kinda sucks.. on the plus side he's probably thick skinned when it comes to bluntness!

[Asker]

haha yeah. this is true! he's a very serious mature guy though. it's kind of attractive, but sometimes it gets the best of him!

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar situation with my girlfriend and she's always busy. Guilt tripping, seriously or not, is like reminding the person that they're disappointing you and it'll make them feel bad

[Asker]

hm. yeah. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but I guess I really did. I guess that means he cares, right?

[Opinion Owner]

He definitely cares and is most likely trying his hardest

[Asker]

I feel so bad. I really like him. I just don't now how to tell him that. it's too early to say I love you, but I have no idea how else to say it.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Manipulating someone at all like that is evil. Would you like to be manipulated?

[Asker]

no, I wouldn't. I guess I didn't realize it was that bad... even when joking. So even joking about it is bad? How do I tell him I'm sad he has to go without sounding whiny? Say nothing?

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Well if it's joking and it's CLEAR it's a joke, that's not so bad. But just make sure that the other knows that. Saying nothing or doing nothing is never the right answer, ever. Just tell him you're really sorry and thought he knew it was a joke. Just make it clear how much you do love spending time with him and understand when you and he get busy, but you don't want to guilt trip him or anything. Best to be blunt and honest. Especially with us guys.

[Asker]

I did tell him I was kidding... and I was even smiling while I did it... how could he have taken it so personally? maybe it's a part of him that feels bad that he can't be with me more... idk. I thought it was pretty clear I was kidding. He has already said that he doesn't really get my sense of humor.. which has been slightly problematic. I just told him I had a dream about him and he was like yay! shouldn't that be an open door for some questions or flirting? maybe he just doesn't get me

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

It might be he's just been stressed and it was something else bothering him. I guess give it a little time, keep showing your care and concern for him. And just be loving to him. And maybe he's not the flirting type. I know I'm not. I don't really like flirting.

[Asker]

How can one not be the flirting type? As in... we should be serious all the time? Maybe that is it... he always says he doesn't get my sense of humor. I have a really dry sense of sarcasm... and he doesn't really get sarcasm let alone dry sarcasm. He is always stressed out though. I rarely ever see him not stressed out. He's super busy too and he has a lot going on right now... it's supposed to get worse. I try to be supportive, but I don't know what else to do.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Umm, you can still be happy/playful without being flirty.

[Asker]

lol oh. how?

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Someone can be a positive person without being flirty.

[Asker]

example?

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Well, like me. I don't flirt with any of my friends (female, definitely not male), but I am nice to them and playful at times. Like joking around with them (though I joke with my male friends too, like teasing each other). That's not flirting.

[Asker]

ohh maybe I joke more than flirt as it is... haha.

[TheGodEmperorLeto]

Maybe. Flirting to me has the intention of seeking affection or so. And generally involves having some level of attraction beyond just friends.

[Asker]

hmm okay. I guess that's a fair statement.