My boyfriend is a mean drunk

[TabbyKat]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 ½ years and we even went to school together when we were younger. We were good friends in school and only got together after school. So it was awesome to be with someone that I’ve known for years. He’s a very successful person for his age. We are both 26 years old. He has bought his own house and has a new truck in his name so professionally he’s awesome but personally things have not been so great. It wasn’t so bad in the beginning but he has a drinking problem. He won’t admit it but I know he does. He goes to the bar after work about 4 or 5 times a week. He says he’s just hanging out with his buddies and winding down from the day which I can understand a couple days but 4 or 5? And he’s also up there for about 5 hours a day. He also has an issue with blacking out when he drinks too much. When he blacks out he is a completely different person, and somehow I become the root of all his problems. He’s called me every name under the sun, kicked me out of the house (more times than I can count), punched holes in the walls, jumped out of my car while I was driving (thank god I was going slow enough that I could slam on my brakes and him not get hurt jumping out), peed the bed while being passed out( and not wake up afterward, even with me trying to wake him so therefore he sleeps in his pee and ruins the bed), kicked in front door, etc. I could keep going but you get the point. Anyways when I confront him the next day about everything all he says is he’s sorry and he’ll try to be better. Which he does well for about a week and then its like he forgets and it starts all over again. I love the man he is when he’s sober but I absolutely hate him when he’s drunk. When he’s drunk I wish I didn’t live with him. He’s mentally abusive and he doesn’t even remember anything he says. I know they say drunken words are sober thoughts but he’s not the same person at all. And when I tell him he needs to grow up and start acting his age he tells me he doesn’t have to. That he didn’t get to party when he was 21 so he’s doing it now. Am I being stupid and should just let him have his fun or what do I do? I’m ready for the next stage in life and I’m just afraid that he’s not. I need advice on what I should do? I probably would have left a long time ago but I do love him very much and the closest family I have is 3 hours away. I’ve moved to be with him. HELP!

[relationshipDNA]

ISSUE 1:

We have already established that your boyfriend is an alcoholic and that he is mentally abusive and aggressive as a result.

The reality

Yes, I understand he is great when he is sober, but must realize that his alcoholism is a part of who he is...so when you say, he's a completely different person, you're trying to separate that ugly side of him. In doing so, that creates a false hope that if he were to simply stop drinking...everything would be perfect. Here's the problem though. People drink because they're trying to escape something, whether it was something from there past, feelings of inadequacy, fears, ect. Its all him!

The drinking will never stop because one, he won't admit the problem, and two, the thing that is making him drink has to also be addressed as well. Unless he decides that he will break down and be completely honest about what is eating him up inside, consciously or subconsciously, this is the man he is going to be for a loooong time. There is nothing you can do about it.

ISSUE 2:

You are currently 26 which is just a few years from getting into your 30's. If you are are in fact ready to move to that next stage of serious commitments, it's time to face the fact that your current boyfriend will not be the one. Why? Re-read your entire question and I think we both know the answer to that. No amount of love in your heart for him will change the fact that he is an alcoholic with issues he has yet to face.

In the mean time, you're stuck in the middle of his Dr. Jeckyll and Mr Hyde episodes. He is dragging you into his craziness and just like in any abusive relationship, he apologizes, promises to do better, and you- wanting to believe he will change let's it slide again and again and again. So the next question is, why?

ISSUE 3:

The fact that you love him is not the reason why you have stuck around this long. Women say that all the time, but if you knew what love truly felt like, there's no way you'd take his crap, even if it seems he doesn't mean to be this terrible person. You have given him permission to hurt you. Every time he comes home drunk and does all those crazy things and you're left standing there feeling a little less than a person, you have given him the permission to do so by staying. You're saying, it's okay to treat me this way. But why?

Where did you learn that love hurts? What makes you think his behavior is acceptable?...and don't say you don't because you're still with him hoping for a miracle cure.

You don't realize that you were programmed a long time to love a guy like him. There are some women who would never date or stay with an abusive guy because somewhere, a long time ago, they were taught that love is kind and patient... It does not "dishonor" others...and it ALWAYS PROTECTS!

It's time to ask yourself, am I worthy of real love? Because what you have now is now is not. You know what you have to do. Don't waste any more precious time, that would be the mistake.

[NoOneListens21]

The easiest thing to do is to leave him. It sounds like he just wants to have fun right now but it's near that age where you start to settle down a bit and some people can't or won't adjust to that.

I suggest you talk to him when he is sober (if you want to work things out) and tell him that his words aren't cutting it and that you care for him and you're ready to move on to the next stage in your life and want him to be apart of it but you don't see that happening if he can't stop drinking so much.

It's not to box him into a corner but it's to explain how you feel and what you want. You can't stay with him unless he stops and talks to a professional or stops altogether. There are many reasons why people drink a lot so maybe there is something going on with him. If you don't want to stick around for all that drama then tell him you had enough and leave.

[TheUglyOne]

He is an alcoholic. He needs help, and the only way he will get it is when he realizes he has a problem. Preferably someone who has been an alcoholic needs to talk to him, preferably a man. It will only get worse the longer he doesn't get help. I've seen this myself, people lose jobs, marriages, thrown away entire careers, because they couldn't control their alcohol, and almost every time, it started off as being minor things.

I agree with your assessment, he's otherwise a good person, until he touches alcohol. Being an alcoholic doesn't mean he is a bad person, just a person who needs help. We can't provide that over the internet, you'll need to start attending sessions for co-dependents of alcoholics.

This might help you get started:

link

[sexyasianboi26]

Well you just basically answered your own question in two ways but you can't decide which one to go for.

When you love someone, you have to be able to put up with their bullsh*t. BUT that's if they are giving you the same amount of effort to keep the relationship alive.

Emotions and affection are one of the pillars that hold a relationship together, if something like emotion gets corrupt and turns into emotional abuse or its taken away; THEN the relationship is bound to fall.

This is my opinion so far, if you need more advice, let me know.

[T00THpaste4]

Time to bail. This is a classic American sob-story: You leave him, he goes to AA, realizes it's joke, nearly drinks himself to death, you feel bad and get with him again, repeat... I could go on but you get the picture. You should get as far away from him as possible. Anybody who pisses the bed from drinking too much doesn't deserve a relationship. Drunken words are only sober thoughts when you're still conscious. He's broken all the rules and etiquette of being wasted. You need to move on find somebody who's more skilled at being drunk.

[TabbyKat]

thank you

[Anonymous]

Imho you have two choices, put up with his vile behaviour or leave, there seems to be no interest from him in changing his vile behaviour, he's not ready for the stage in life that he's at now, let alone the next one which I assume involves starting a family?