Ex in self-destruct mode?

[AngelCake]

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since my ex left me. He wanted to stay friends, but deleted me from Facebook about two weeks ago, and although he tried to add me again just 24 hours later, I have not accepted yet and we have been in no contact since then.

But I've been told that all he ever talks about now is going out and drinking himself into oblivion. He's going to my brother-in-law's stag do soon, but only to the part that involves them all drinking. He has booked tickets for several different gigs over the next few weeks and only seems to talk about getting drunk at them. He is going out drinking almost every night now. There was also a mention of wanting to "get stoned", though I'm not sure he's actually followed through with that.

I'm concerned for him. He didn't drink much when we were together, although I often encouraged him to go out with friends. If he did go out he always left early and rarely got drunk. It's almost as if he's self-destructing.

[Anonymous]

i got screwed by life big time unfortunately. bottom line: she's fine (I guess). I'm not. I'm really aggresive lately and lost confidence in all humans. Being aggresive doesn't mean I go out and punch people, it's just that I do stuff that has big potential to hurt me or worse...

i'm thinking moving out of country, broke contact with every single one in the group and though I told her I want to be friends and she kind of tried to get in touch somehow making herself available on chat for me or saying yes to group reunions, I just said no and kept distance . I just couldn't be next to her... BUT I still love her...

So yes he feels worthless...no reason for him to enjoy life anymore... Maybe you should try and talk to him. But think about it and be cautious about things you say now that he's alchoholic

[Anonymous]

My cousin's girlfriend and him broke up several years back and he's been in self-destruction mode ever since. He quit his job, moved out of the city he worked in and out of state back to around where he grew up. He drinks constantly to the point that it's a problem, has had a DWI, been in many fights and has all but given up. This girl caused him to spiral out of control and he has always been someone I looked up to, admired and saw incredible potential for. But, everyone handles losing love differently. I wish I could have a conversation with his ex and explain what her shallowness has done to him. I fear I am going to lose him forever out of his lifestyle or from his depression. I'd get ahold of him quickly before he ends up like my cousin.

[AngelCake]

I'm not so sure I should say anything, it would likely make things worse. And in any case, he broke up with me. I can't just be there for him, not when I will always want more than just friendship. It kills me that I can't help him though. I just don't understand why he's reached this point now, he seemed happy enough until we stopped talking.

[MWalsh89]

I understand spiraling after a break up, I did it when I broke up with my ex, however it's NOT your responsibility to save him nor did I let my ex know I was(my family and now fiance saved me). The only thing I ever did when my ex was spiraling was call the cops on him when he threatened to commit suicide. However, I'd advice talking to your sister and/or brother-in-law about disinviting him, if anything for his own good. If there's a mutual friend, talk to them, let them know you're worried and hope they do something for him. I know you're worried, but remember he's hoping to get back with you. If you don't want to/see it's the wrong thing to do, don't. DO NOT get back with him just because he's upset and being stupid.

[Anonymous]

thats normal to go out drinking and partying after a break up. don't worry too much

[martyfellow]

Yes,it sounds like he's taking the break-up really hard. Strange, since you see HE left YOU.

Sometimes, people regret hasty decisions. Sometimes they feel terribly lonely after a break-up, and the bottle becomes their friend.

Do you want to rescue him from this spiral?

[AngelCake]

I want to, of course I do. I'm still very much in love with him. But I also want to protect myself. I've been through a break up before but losing this man was the most painful experience of my life. He left me and although he insisted we stay friends and always initiated contact, he was also cold and distant at times, like he was trying to push me away. I'm not sure what to think, or what to do.

[martyfellow]

What was the real reason he left you? Family pressure? Responsibilities? Job stress?

[AngelCake]

He said that he was scared and that he didn't think he was still in love with me. I had to take that at face value, though his actions at the time and even now seem to conflict with his words.

[martyfellow]

He's not telling you the reason--or maybe, he doesn't know himself. He needs to talk to someone.

[AngelCake]

In some ways I think it's fear of commitment. We had just reached our year anniversary a week before we split up, and everything seemed to be fine then. And just three days before he ended it, he claimed that he loved me with all his heart and there was nothing that would make him leave me. He won't open up to his family and his best friend (who encouraged him to be single) is now in a relationship, and won't spend much time with him.

[martyfellow]

Being alone and in trouble, not a good situation.

[AngelCake]

Yes, it worries me. But I don't know what I can do.

[martyfellow]

Just having someone to talk to would be a big help for him.

[ryanontario]

yeah its possible he's doing that , I think some guys go through that kind of thing after a break up , a little drinking is normal but he does appear to be headed to trouble. but there isn't much you can do about his behavior , I was worried about this girls drinking this summer after she did some crazy stuff when drunk but after a while realized there wasn't much I could do about it , she unfortuently needs to learn from her mistakes