Why is it that I'm always the bad guy and I always have to change?

[phil2]

why is it that in my relationship with my guy, I"m always the bad guy and I'm always the one that has to change. I'm always saying sorry and I'm always the one trying to better myself to make the relationship work and he's not. He's always mad at me and running off and stuff. Like he's KNOWS he's super lazy and he knows that he never does anything for me and I can't trust him BUT I have to be the one that apologizes and I have to be the one that does everything. Just to shorten this up he and I both phrase our relationship as "my problem is my problem and also his problem is my problem". For example, he was being super lazy and he didn't grab his winter gear (we are visiting up north for 4 months) and it's freezing here. So now it's MY problem to figure out what he's going to wear for the winter. At first it was MY winter coat and I really liked that coat. I'm so mad, and it's my fault, I can't be mad. He's 100x more mad at me now, because everything is my fault...If he doesn't have a winter coat, he'll freeze and he'll get a super bad cold and the cold will transfer to me and my 13 month old son. See what I mean? that's just one example. Like he's so lazy he never gets the oil change, or do anything. IF I don't do all this for him, then the car will die on my and my son. So I have to. Even if I am recovering from surgery, or labor. Anyways, what do you think? What can I say to him to make him understand that it's OUR problem? When I bring this stuff up and say that it's OUR problem he goes, "here we go again, now you're going to get mad at me, I'm leaving" then he leaves! WTF?

His problem is your problem...because you're together

His problem is your problem...because it'll affect you later

[onemoreplease]

From what you've said, I think your partner sounds exactly as you describe him: a lazy, pain in the a**.

You can try to talk to him, and tell him that you're really reaching the end of your rope. Tell him you feel like the burden of keeping everyone happy and alive is totally on your shoulders, and that you're sick of fighting and apologizing for things that weren't your fault. Clearly tell him a few ways that you would like things to change- i.e., he will be responsible for the next few oil changes, or if one of you gets upset the other one will have a fair chance to explain himself and won't be forced to apologize if he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. You should approach the conversation in a calm and non-aggressive manner, and try to stick to your main points so you don't get dragged into a big argument about every problem you guys have ever had. He *is* your partner, so I assume he cares about you and wants to be with you, and maybe just being totally open and honest with him will be the wake-up call he needs to make some positive changes and improve your relationship.

If not, then all I can say is that you aren't obligated to spend the rest of your life being miserable with this person. Breaking up and going your separate ways is always an option... although it may seem impossible/unimaginable in a serious long-term relationship, and it may be painful and hard at first, it isn't the end of the world and you *would* survive it and you *would* be happy again without him. If you're already as unhappy and stressed out as you describe, then it's probably time to question why you're holding on to this person and this relationship.

[harveykinkle]

You're not in a good relationship then.

Real relationships are 50/50 and it sounds like you're doing all of the work and he has no reason to expect otherwise because you let it go on for so long.

Either put your foot down and demand he contribute more to the relationship while stopping doing everything yourself or just leave.

You're between 25-29 and likely he is too. Why on earth is it your responsibility to care for his warmth when he put himself in that situation?

He's probably not going to change... Are you really happy in this relationship? If you're going to stay with him you need to be happy with it potentially staying the way it is.

My boyfriend is the opposite and he generally checks up on me first before him... Not that I expect it or anything - he's just sweet. There's more guys like him out there.

[Darkfairie17]

I'm sorry to say this, but your boyfriend sounds immature. I would seriously have a talk with him. If things don't change, then you need to leave.

This isn't a healthy relationship. If you are always buzzing around doing everything for him and he's always blaming you, it's not good.

I say, have this conversation with him. Stop doing things for him. If something needs to be done, he needs to do it.

A relationship needs both people working on it. Not just one. If he is unwilling to do things to help make your life easier, you need out of this relationship. You are only going to get run down and bitter.

Meanwhile he has it made. He has you to do everything for him. Focus only on doing things for you and your son. If there is something he needs, he needs to figure it out.

He's a grown up and he can do it!

[jeffree]

It sounds like he just doesn't really care about anything. That could be a really bad sign. Both people in a relationship should always be trying. You should really see how he feels about your relationship.Let him know his behavior is worrying you. Don't apologize for being honest with him. If he can't respond well to honesty, then he is not worth your time. It's never one persons fault. It takes two. It also takes two to make things better.