I've seen plenty of myTakes about traits men and women want to see in a lifelong partner. A couple weeks ago, I published a piece on Elite Daily explaining the pitfalls of continuously picturing your ideal mate. On the flip side, I once wrote about the importance of standards (I believe that piece was published at YourTango, though I don't recall now).
I'm not being hypocritical; I'm referring to the necessity of balance. I've spoken about the illogical yet magical belief in a soulmate, and why balance is indeed everything. However, as many of the Editors around here know, I've often asked them for personal stories because frankly, they do quite well in the digital space. It's just more identifiable when someone speaks from a personal standpoint, because it brings the text down out of the third-person clouds and plants a first-person perspective directly in the reader's line of sight.
So, I figured I'd write this to better illustrate my point, using myself as an example.
I just turned 38 and yes, I'm still single. I've long since stopped calling myself "recently single," as a three-year relationship ended in the summer of 2015. For a time there, I thought I'd found "the one" but in retrospect, there was always a nagging voice in the back of my head, pointing out obvious truisms that I simply chose to ignore. Yes, I chose to ignore them because I was getting pretty tired of searching for "the one" and I was starting to embrace the theory that perfection is impossible and hence, "good enough" should be...well, good enough.
It wasn't good enough, however. And I had plenty of evidence to support that as less than a month after the split, I found I was totally fine. The first few weeks were tough, granted, but that was more about losing the idea of someone as opposed to losing the actual person. I realized I was back to square one but I also learned a valuable lesson: At no point in your life, whether you're 18, 38, or 78, is it a good idea to settle. It benefits no one.
Sure, people can accuse me of having unrealistic standards. It isn't true, though. It's merely a matter of discovering exactly what you want while still acknowledging that everyone has their faults and drawbacks, including myself. There are certain things I'm willing to accept and certain things I'm not. I imagine a woman has the same criteria in her head and if I don't match up with that criteria, okay, no skin of my teeth. Better to learn that ahead of time than waste our time forcing a square peg into a round hole.
I sort of have an image of my "ideal woman" but it's fuzzy and blurry, often malleable to my mind's over-inventive touch. It shifts and alters over time and trust me, when you're younger, it shifts like mad. As you get older, the image does start to sharpen, though it never snaps into perfect focus. Now I've reached a point where I think I can rely on the admittedly out-of-focus image because it's based on life and relationship experiences. It's more reliable than ever, so why should I ignore it? I can't.
I'm not especially specific; I've merely got a general checklist. Under the "definite no" list is: No smoking, no drugs, no kids (I have my reasons, so sue me), and no emotional instability, the kind that makes me think you might just come at me with a meat cleaver during an argument. On the "want" list: A lover of the arts, an avid reader and thinker, someone who takes her health seriously, a travel lover, a doer and a go-getter, a sweet disposition lacing a rock solid foundation comprised of intelligence and drive that pushed her near the height of her profession. Someone who can find enjoyment both in doing a crossword puzzle and scaling a tough hill on a hike, who can be cherishing and caring and tender one minute and determined and hard-as-nails the next.
Hair color, eye color, body type, height...meh. I have certain preferences but what ultimately matters is the connection I seek and connections are not forged with blonde hair and a big chest (not saying that's my personal preference; just an example). And yes, my list of wants and don't-wants extends beyond the paragraph above but they decrease in importance as it goes on; I simply have to know where the line is. That's the challenge: Finding that one special person who is so special that I just stop looking for things that might not mesh, and revel in the singular beauty that is her.
It's not about striving for perfection or idealism; it's accepting admittedly high standards that are still grounded in reality. That's the goal. :)
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