How to find "THE ONE"?

[msinvisible1]

I never thought this day would come where I’d wake up lying next to; “The One”. I have always dreamed of them and exactly what they would possess, their character, their values, their morals, their spiritually, their out look on life and love. But most importantly I always wondered how they would love and treat me. Would they be able to live up to my standards? I never thought it was possible to find them. After all my attempts and failures, I thought that it was something that I would never be blessed with having. To my amazement it happened!

The first thing I did was stop looking and I started spending more time with myself and my thoughts. I had to start really getting to know myself again and started having fun with me. I spoiled me and tried new things, it was fun. I started loving myself more than I had ever done before. I stopped putting everything and everyone before me. I know it sounds weird coming from a single mother of two saying I stopped putting my children before myself, but I did. I made sure I was happy and stress free first and end return my children were happy and stress free. I still attended to them and their needs but I didn’t make them my life and loss myself in my children because I couldn’t see that, that is not a life. I had to find my own life and teach my children how to have a life of their own and not depend on someone else to create a life for them. You can’t depend on others for your happiness, it just doesn’t work! They will not always be there, not to mention that’s a lot of pressure and work for someone to think about you all the time and whether or not you’re happy and fulfilled.

The next step was recognizing when “The One” walked into my life. We will always have an image of what “The One” will look like and when it doesn’t arrive in the package we envisioned we often times over look them and miss out. I have to admit; I almost didn’t recognize them and almost missed out on my blessing. It was a normal day and I was pretty much going about my day routinely when my eyes were opened for me. Sitting in my own home, enjoying the comforts of my bed, a nice

glass

of wine, and one of my favorite television shows I realized just how in love with me I was. It was perfect! I had been seeing myself for a while and it was working out so well. I didn’t realize how happy I had been. I was “The One”, and I never even knew it. I never lied to myself, I never hurt me, and I always put me first. Everything I had ever wanted was right here with me all the time. Like most I had been looking on the outside for what was already on the inside. I was everything that I needed. I was complete.

As people we look for someone to complete us. It is not possible for someone to complete you they can merely compliment you and all your good qualities while helping to improve the things that are not so good. In order to have someone else in your life you must already be happy and in love with yourself. If you already have then it makes it all the more easy for the person meant for you to see you, love you the way you deserve, and appreciate you for you. After all how you feel and see yourself emanates from you and others can clearly see that. The more you love and appreciate yourself the more attractive you become to others. We have to be “The One” for ourselves in order to fine the person that is meant to compliment us. Don’t be scared to fall in love with yourself and treat yourself good. You have to know what you like and enjoy so that you can be happy and if you are happy then others in your life will automatically be happy. Love yourself and be “The One”. I did.

"I love me, some me!"

[MariellaRo]

Agreed. I love myself - I spend a lot of time by myself, and sometimes I am sad, but mostly I am very content, and calm. I am happy. I love my family, and I like to spend time with them and some good friends. I don't need anyone else in my life. Sure, I like making new friends, it's a great experience, but I don't need them. I am happy, I am fulfilled. I am most definitely not alone - I have the best family in the world and see my friends every day. How on earth would you consider me lonely?
Healthy love can be described as needing someone because you love them. If it's the other wa around for you, something's definitely wrong.
Not saying you shouldn't be in relationship. But firstly, don't go for everyone you kind of like. Be picky, in every kind of relationship, for your own sake. Secondly, you will most definitely not be in a relationship, of romantic nature or other, with only one person during your whole life. It is simply unlikely, and unnecessary for a good life.

[DocT1977]

That is a great take. This is almost identical to my situation. I had one failed relationship right after the other. Most did not meet my standards either. There is a reason they could not. Because they were the wrong ones. But anyway, After so many failed attempts, I officially called it quits with dating and finding "The right one". So instead, I went ahead with building other aspects of my life and I went through police training, and furthered other aspects of my life as well. I was at a point where I did not even desire to be with anyone really. Then a year or so later, I meet my wife. She was in a similar situation. We started out being friends with no attachment. One thing lead to another and here we are. Married.

[msinvisible1]

Gives me hope :)

[DocT1977]

Sometimes, We just have to hand the situation over to God and let him do his thing and get our hands out of it. Years ago, I honestly never thought I would hear my self say that or see myself type it. lol But yeah, It's true.

[msinvisible1]

Thank you so much, hearing that helps me to further continue to believe in my own words and my believes. Where two or more agree, there has to be some truth. :)

[DocT1977]

There is. As mentioned, I gave up. And when I gave up, and quit going to war with myself over it and at that point, accepted my standing situation as reality, I realized, Hey, This can be done on my own. There was no need to fight it as I was at peace. But then, The pieces fell into place and I don't know how or why it happened. But.. It did.

[msinvisible1]

So refreshing to hear. I wish others would share what they learn with the younger generation. I see so many miss guided youth looking in the wrong places for love and acceptance. I truly feel that if we shared with others that needed it, and not just our children of families but, if we reach out to others we could make a big impact on the negative behavior and socially accepted trends that have become so frequent and save a lot of people from so much grief.

[DocT1977]

You are right about the misguided youth. Seems so many of them want to put he cart before the horse and start everything off first with what should come last as a part of the rewards for the long wait. But you can't tell them that. The old school stuff doesn't make sense in the new school I suppose.

[msinvisible1]

So true, I feel so passionate about it though, I want to start some sort of a after school youth group for like an hour once a week but I have no idea how to get it started. I wish I had more connections and other individuals who were willing to make a difference and help be positive mentors.

[msinvisible1]

I wish more men would volunteer their time with the youth. A friend of mind said, and its so true, most men don't take care of their own children and would feel guilty and reluctant to help any other youth. SO SAD!

[DocT1977]

It is sad. And this site has plenty of them. This is a good place to start.

[Tdieseler]

I started reading this post with the mindset i always have whenever I see a person with "the One" delusions. I've written and stated so many things disproving that particular theory. While reading the first part, I was already gearing up to attack. I was agreeing with a lot you were saying, how people have their different fantasies and how they miss good people because the person did not fit parameters exactly etc. Then you started to describe how you met "the one" i was literally hopping, i couldn't wait. then BAM!! twist. I all of a sudden became the salty one.
I love the article, love it so much, im actually going to take a few of those words and put them to practice. I've downed that idea so often that I've never really had time to look into if there was even a possibility. I think this article sums that all up for me. It not only disproves the regular notion, but it shows where those who are searching should look instead. Five stars. This made my day lol.

[msinvisible1]

Thank you so much! I am in the process of writing a book and this was something I was thinking of adding. Im sure of it now. Really glad you approved.

[Tdieseler]

When something is great, its great. I may add this to the part of my book disproving "the one" theories.

[msinvisible1]

As long as you add my picture and I get a book mention we might can work out a deal. :)

[Tdieseler]

sounds like a deal already.

[inamorata]

I disagree.
We can't be our "the one".
This take implies that the concept of needing another person is redundant. But that's not true. We can be content on our own, but we can never be truly fulfilled and experience bliss we would when in loving relationship.
Yeah you need to love yourself to be able to love other and to be able to receive love. No doubt about that.
And yes, you also need to love yourself to be able to survive alone if you don't find someone.

But being alone still IS an inferior state of being in life. We are a social species always in search of companionship. We should not lie to ourselves like this.
You didn't find the one lady. You just because a healthy person.

[inamorata]

You just became a*

[msinvisible1]

I get what you are saying but if you can't be the one for yourself you will never find the one. You have to know yourself and love yourself fully. Society has trained us into believing that we need another person to be complete. NO WE DONT! We need the other person to compliment what we are and help to continue to make us better. We look for love outside ourselves so much we forget to love ourselves and be happy with who we are. When we do this we start to let others define us and we change who we are for them and to make them happy. That's not our job. How can you truly love yourself if you change who you are for someone else? Then you are no longer yourself. No one what's to be alone, but that's how we are born and that's how we die. You will not always have someone with you so learn yourself and learn to love yourself. When you do that everything else falls into place. We will no longer fall for head games and our self worth will no longer be a bargaining chip.

[inamorata]

Oh come on, so many platitudes.

"You have to know yourself."
That's such a silly statement. You do understand that?
Seeking "who you are" is the point of living. Your whole life your definition of "you" changes into something more specific. It's not something you just "find". It's something you become until your last breath.

"Society has trained us into believing that we need another person to be complete."
No it ha not. Our biology has.
Society perpetuates what our biology is already saying: "You need other people."
The reason everyone feels the need to point this out proves how influenced they are by it. How INNATE it is. And if this was just "society telling you", you wouldn't make a point to say otherwise. It wouldn't matter that much. It wouldn't shape you that much.

"We look for love outside ourselves so much we forget to love ourselves and be happy with who we are." This is also not true. Everything we do and see, we start with ourselves. If anything we're narcissistic.

[inamorata]

"How can you truly love yourself if you change who you are for someone else?"
Loving yourself means to be fulfilled in life. To think that who you are as a person matters.
That also means that what you so far defined as "who you are" has to match with another. But you also have to change some parts of yourself to fit another.

Say you're a animal right's activist and a vegan. Killing an animal would destroy you. Seeing meat as food makes you sick. Obviously marrying a hunter who eats meat every day would not fit you. Cooking food for him would make you feel awful. Abandoning your stances on meat consumption would make you unable to love yourself because it's "who you are".
That's a strong definition right there. That's reasonable.

But then imagine you get with a guy who snores. And you have to get earplugs to sleep. Or with a guy who hates music before bed, so you have to turn it off. Or a guy who want you to cook, then you do. That's called adjusting, it's love, it's not hypocrisy.

[inamorata]

"When we do this we start to let others define us and we change who we are for them and to make them happy. That's not our job. "
Others define us of every second of every day of our lives. We are a compilation of biology and all our memories. WE are what others make us as much as we make ourselves. To imagine others can't define you is silly.

It's not about "making someone happy". It's just what happens when you interact with other humans. You become something in comparison to them. You become something FOR them. And you become something other than them.

Philosophically, biologically, socially this is wrong, wrong, wrong.

[inamorata]

"No one what's to be alone, but that's how we are born and that's how we die."
You are born into your mother's hands and you die with your family by your bedside.
If you're not lucky, you don't get those things, but even if that's true, it doesn't mean we have to spend the time in between alone, or say it's ok to do so.
It's not. It's unnatural and straining. Humans aren't meant to be alone.

"When you do that everything else falls into place. We will no longer fall for head games and our self worth will no longer be a bargaining chip."
Here's what I see here. You became healthy. You got a sense of self worth and you tried to build yourself up into a person. You probably got out of a co-dependent relationship. Good for you, you improved. But that doesn't make anything you said here true.
It just makes one simple thing you said make sense: "Love yourself. Learn to be content. It will make you a better human."

Yes it will, but you don't get to redefine "human". Humans NEED love.

[msinvisible1]

You seem very passionate about this, I understand and I feel no one wants to live alone. But all I am saying is before you run out to look for happiness is to learn to love yourself and enjoy yourself. You go wrong when you search on the outside for what you don't have on the inside. And as for others defining who you are that doesn't make it reality. By no means am I saying live your life alone and never desire anyone to love you or you to love back. Its simple as love yourself. No one can love you like you or know you like you. Stop looking for someone else to complete you and complete yourself and the one meant to compliment you will be so much easier to recognize when they come into the picture.

[inamorata]

"You go wrong when you search on the outside for what you don't have on the inside."
Alright, since you insist on repeating the same things, please try to be more specific. What does this mean? What can a person lack on the inside to look on the outside? Specifically. Please, not another generic platitude, just tell me what happened, give me an example so I can understand what you're talking about.
Thank you.

"And as for others defining who you are that doesn't make it reality"
Actually it does. And there are a butload of sciences standing behind this notion. =p

[msinvisible1]

Not that you will agree because you seem to already have your own reality centered on this topic, but when you go out searching for someone to love you, you go wrong. Why? Because they love you on their own way or they have a distorted view on love and you begin to believe thats love and thats all you deserve. If you start looking for someone to make you feel worthy and you haven't found self worth, their perceptions become your reality. Know your worth love yourself. And if someone defines me as closed minded, mean, and self centered it doesn't make it reality. It makes them judgmental and opinionated.

[inamorata]

You weren't specific at all. Unless you tell me what happened I can't possibly know what you mean by any of those words.

You got into an abusive relationship with a narcissist, or a sociopath? Is that it?
He hurt you day in and day our and you took it because you felt you didn't deserve better? Or you thought that's what love should look like?

If I am guessing right here, then what you've been trough is a sign of your own pathology that you now corrected. And that is great. But becoming a healthy self-valuing person and becoming this independent creature you describe in your article are NOT one and the same.

You see what you described is a person who doesn't need others. You described someone who should stay away from searching for love. Someone who should not need anyone. Someone who could proclaim total independence.

What you really are is a person who is content, loving of who they are and can survive on her own. But that doesn't make you independent. It just makes you strong.

[msinvisible1]

Yes, I am strong and I did not say we did not need any one else. I also didn't suggest you cut yourself off from people. You are trying to make it more clinical than it is. It really is saying love yourself so when you do find someone, Which I say never go looking for someone, because we never find what we are looking for. I believe its when you stop searching what you need will present itself. (If it's meant to be it will) I realized I had peace with myself and that I was happy with who I was and am. That makes me better for not just me but for other people in and outside of my circle. It helps me to be the positive loving person that I am with out searching for reassurance in and from others. You should be on a debate team. You go hard for what you are passionate for. Kudos

[inamorata]

"I believe its when you stop searching what you need will present itself. (If it's meant to be it will)"
I kind of believe in destiny. A small silly part of me does, but the reasonable rational part of me says this is just appearance of strength, self-satisfaction and independence that will sooner draw people to you because they'll become convinced what you have to offer is what they need, because it's obviously making you happy and content. It's a sub-conscious perception.

But it's not achieved by stopping with search for love. It's just achieved with not putting making yourself happy on hold while you search. It just means: "Do something with your life. No one wants to date a rock."

[bloodmountain1990]

I agree we must like ourselves before finding a significant other. I just think society has made it fucked for some people by giving this mentality that you're worthless or your life isn't complete until you're in a relationship or constantly having sex. All that does is create dependency issues for some people.

[msinvisible1]

You have a point, but that is why we have to be the examples and set standards in our lives and show people what its like to be happy with yourself so no one else can define you or play with your mind and cause you to not even value yourself.

[boondoc]

Nice post, I agree with you. I realized while its great to be in a relationship, I always lost myself and my identity, feeling the need to always please my partner and not myself. Its easy to give too much of yourself that you end up depending on your GF/BF for your own happiness. The best relationships come when you can embrace the other persons identity instead of trying to change them.

[msinvisible1]

Thank you

[PiuBelloAmante]

Beautiful a great take!!!
we need to start looking within ourselves, in order to become ONE with ourselves
This is great

[SakuraChii]

This is sweet yet so many people have trouble with loving theirselves it just seems so unrealistic nowadays especially for people who have tons of bad experiences with the same or opposite sex.

[msinvisible1]

And that is why you have to love yourself so that you won't be crushed when that relationship doesn't work out. The more you love yourself the faster you can pick up the pieces and move on.

[Anonymous]

Call me a rat or something but I really can't consider to either hate or love myself. I just accept who I am and how I am and everything I got. I do things as I schedule my time. The thing is... I am not ready to judge myself for my own rating. Same actually goes on to how I do look if I cannot influence it yet (materially speaking).

[msinvisible1]

As long as you are self aware thats a start.

[PhiOmega]

I really can't apply this to myself, I'm not saying it isn't good advice

But i mean we're social animals and need companionship at the end of the day

I mean, as cool as i am with me, i can't go live in a cave somewhere alone

[msinvisible1]

That I understand and I feel no one wants to live alone. But all I am saying is before you run out to look for happiness is to learn to love yourself and enjoy yourself. You go wrong when you search on the outside for what you don't have on the inside.

[PhiOmega]

That's true

[BlindFaith]

Really love this, thank you! :) <3

[msinvisible1]

Thank you, I appreciate you.

[Dandeus]

You find the one by swallowing the red pill and joining the resistance against the matrix.

[msinvisible1]

lol and if you believe that then you are still in a state of sleep Neo.

[Ihav2fart]

Found her! She just doesn't like me!

[msinvisible1]

Smh, Then love yourself. (Only you) :)

[Ihav2fart]

My mind agrees, but my heart says no.

[PineappleBreath]

I can't have sex with myself