Is it wrong to distance yourself from unrequited love without a word?

[Anonymous]

For the past couple of days, I've been emotionally distancing myself from my best female friend and roommate (I'm a guy). it's been made subtly known that nothing sexual will ever happen between us--at least not anytime soon lol.

Well I've recently come to terms with this after 6 years (and going) of really great friendship. I mean she's my rock forreal, and I want us to still be friends--just not best friends. I feel our bond has made me unable to emotionally connect with other girls on that level. Even the girls I've dated or hooked up with have mentioned her in some capacity and I've had to secretly validate them at my bestie's expense.

I feel this is unhealthy and that I need to shift this great connection we share to my future prospect--someone who will give me the whole package yknow?

It's only been a couple of days, but the behavioral changes I've made towards her already have her wondering if everything's ok, why I'm so quiet, am I mad at her etc. I could never tell her how I feel, the aftermath of that whole situation seems like it would still lead to what I'm doing now, only with more awkwardness, especially since we live together. But I have to lookout for #1 right?

Weve both dated around, bring people home for hookups, etc. I knew what I was getting into by living with her and I really hoped that I could move past my feelings, find something real, and still keep my bestie. Tonight she had a guy over for a quickie, and normally we'd talk and joke about this stuff after the deed was done, but since I've changed (or am trying to anyways) I kinda blew her off. She knocked on my door and asked if everything was ok and I don't know how well I played it off but with our damn near psychic bond--I know she knows something's up.

Is this too great an act of selfishness on my part--considering the depth of our friendship? Do I owe her an explanation? Or am I doing the right thing? Opinions?

[loveangel_23]

huh, i dont know.
i know this most likley isn't what you wanna hear dude.
but i think you sould lay it all out on the line. why break such an amazing bond by detaching yourself from her?
what if she feels the exact same way and you dont know because she's hiding it just like you are?
what is life without taking chances anyway? where will you get? what will you achieve?
dont write her off so quickly dude.
wanna know when the truth comes out most of the time? when you're drunk or other ways impaired lol
so one day be like "dude, lets have a game night. just me and you, i miss hanging out with my best friend. sorry I've been so distand. a lot been on my mind lately. and you dont feel like talking about it so dont ask." but have all the games out or whatever, like x-box, board games, card games, etc... but also have a lot of booze and get wasted lol. play truth or dare, ask if her if she could ever see y'all being together in a non friend way. and you'll get your answer.

[Asker]

Lol, funny I've tried this approach to an extent. Maybe not with the full added confession or anything but I remember like 2 years ago or so we went out and got hammered. I told her how the first time I met her, I wanted to have sex but that I wrote that off immediately since I knew we'd be best friends (jokingly). We flirted a little afterwards (actual flirting) and that ended up being the first night we'd ever cuddled while sleeping (we crashed out on the same bed, but always keep to our sides lol).

Sure i felt something, but I didn't read too much into it. Like I said we have a psychic bond, so I know it's crossed her mind. But I've seen how upfront she is with guys about what she wants, even guys she just wants to one night stand. If she can't be that way with me, why should I be that way with her? Give her the satisfaction of knowledge that deep down, she prob already knows but dismisses? Confession seems like a nail in the coffin.

[Anonymous]

It must be completely exhausting to do the thinking for the both of you huh?I mean it's not like she knows you view her as anything more than a "bestie" right? .
your not even willing to step outside the line and say what it is you want, I'm if your willing to back off and not keep her as a "bestie" anymore then why not take a shot in telling her how you feel. You might be surprised. I mean if she's any kind of friend weather she accepted your offer or not, things shouldn't get weird because you guys are friends that normally comes with a bunch of understanding and etc... anyway. All I'm saying is before you disappear with out a clue, and write her off you should at least attempt something, that way when you back off a bit she'll know why

[Asker]

It's not so much that I'm afraid to cross the line, it's that I know 100% what the end result is if I do--trust me. I've omitted a lot of details considering this is 6 years of deep friendship and mixed signals. Hell the signals aren't even mixed anymore like they used to be, they're flat out explicit:

"I don't date friends"
"Thanks bro, brah, homie, dawg, bestie, man, etc."
Are you two dating?
"Oh god no! Never!"

I don't know If you've ever been this girl but she's gotta know on some level how I feel. Why else would she say these things? Sometimes she spits up these kinds of things like word vomit--as if to remind me every now and then that were just friends.

I'm a fairly attractive guy with a lot of pride. I just don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore over her. There's too many fish out there. Why not just walk away, find another fish, then come back for true mutual friendship?

[Opinion Owner]

Oh, trust I am you!. And now you put it exactly how I would've. And it make perfect sense. Just reading what you wrote originally, it sounded as all your feelings went un addressed. And you were leaving the friendship cause you assumed by our hint light flirting I'd assume, you figured she picked up on it.
But now that you say she's very aware, and don't see you in the same way, then to get your emotions under control and be a friend, I know what you mean as well. To be a true friend with no ulterior motives. I think the best thing is to back away. I'm actually going through this right now. And I've calmed myself down, and I'm hoping to come back as a better person too. Rid of all feelings, well romantic feelings. So, I agree. And I wish you luck too!. But, keep in mind. A Friend told me this and for some reason it's been playing over and over in my head. He said " you never really get rid of those feelings, it's only suppressed for the time being"..

[Asker]

Yeah I mean, she has to be aware on some level--even if I've never outright said "I want to be more". We're all adults here, we know when someone's into them. I have girls I'm friends with I know I could have based on their actions--but I don't want that in that regard so I dismiss it casually.

She's been in this situation before. Granted, he was kind of unnattractive & nowhere near the type she'd hook up (even cuddle) with. Plus he was kind of hopelessly pining for her--they're no longer friends.

Same thing happened again recently with a friend of mine hopelessly in love with his bestie. He confessed after I told him not to (I told him to back off, explore other options, and show her through actions & improvements that he's worthy--not for the sake of a relationship with her but just to be on equal footing). He didn't take my advice, confessed, now they're friendship is an awkward one at best, and prob forever will be until nothing's left.

[Asker]

I'm sorry you're going through this too (i know this happens to girls too, just not usually). You're friend is right, i can never completely forget about her, but suppression isn't as bad as it sounds. I've suppressed my feelings for girls before and now I barely give them the time of day or think about them, even though something small for them lingers.

Suppression may be a band aid but it's better than bleeding all over the place yknow?

[Opinion Owner]

And I agree, she might have some idea but, here's the kicker, even tho we might assume there's more its almost always the way a guy acts that makes a women second guess the situation. We'll adjust it in a new light and say to ourselves, Nah, he was joking or being friendly. If it's not a consistent behavior, then we won't get it really, just confused. it'll turn the least shy women shy. Ya know? I find it so strange, that a person we maybe hardly know, but attracted to we have no problems, hanging out with, physically expressing feelings, maybe feelings that aren't real, well let's say temporary. But the people we shared a connection with and opened up to, shared secrets, laughed, even cried for, worry about. It kills me I'm just saying why it's so hard? smh. I don't know.
Any way So you put your bandage on and I'll put mine and cheers to the what if's, and should of, could of's and regret for the future to come.. lol.
Jk, jk..well to some extent.

[Asker]

Haha cheers! a very appropriate toast. I think the reason were so comfortable with someone, yet have trouble opening up about the real things like this is a the potential fear of loss. A loss of something dear to us. In no way would I want to lose her completely over an issue like this.

I actually talked with her like normal when she got off work yesterday because I was tired from work and didn't really feel like putting up a front. Since I've been silent for the past couple days she was so happy, but immediately started unloading 4 days of emotional guy baggage. Like nonstop lol. But I kind of dismissed it and cut her off when our other roomie got home.

I could tell she was a little put off and then started telling me how much she missed me, that I was acting weird, etc. I still stand by my initial decision to back off tho and will continue to do so, no matter how much I regret it. I hope you're able to do the same and find true happiness for yourself--no matter the cost!

[Opinion Owner]

With that being said I wish you well.
I know I have a tough fight a head of me, it's a struggle everyday, but I am coming to terms with the fact that it won't, or it can't happen. Truth is it doesn't hurt any less. But i am preparing to move forward now. I've loved him way to long ya know. And it's been a battle to hide it for way to long. I just wanna get away from this hell I've been in, and feel the happiness I use to, it just suck that it has to be with out him, but maybe we'll remain friends. no sense in sitting around in pain wishing and hoping getting all sensitive and into my feelings. I'm accepting It is, what it is unfortunately.
We just have to accept it. And be strong. There's actually no other option, you can't force some one to love you..right? :(
Anyway, I do wish you lots of love and romance to come :) good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing the right thing. It's best to move on and look for a girl who will give you the whole package because that is what you want and that's what you should focus on. Just be honest and tell her you want to start investing more time and energy into a girl who WILL give you what you want and need... She isn't going to give you what you want and need so it's best to not be besties anymore.

[Asker]

It's good to hear a girl agree and not lash out, call me a jerk, etc--especially since that's not what I'm trying to do. I just want to protect myself and focus on a real shot at true, best friend type love.

[Opinion Owner]

Makes perfect sense to me :) Thanks for MH!

[Vish123]

Doing the right thing, just the way is not right. I'd tell everything upfront so things are back to normal again. If it backfires well I'd live with it, its better that way than to live in this awkward situation.

[Asker]

Disagree. Wouldn't telling her make things worse?-- Especially since It would basically be one of those weird confession type situations? From what I've seen in my young life, those never turn out good and the friendship is unsalvagable--which I don't want

[Vish123]

That's what I said you just disagree coz you fear the unexpected "If it backfires well I'd live with it". Anyways that's still the best way I could think of.

[PhiOmega]

If telling her would just make things awkward just keep doing what your doing, but remember distancing yourself and outright ignoring her ate 2 different things

[Asker]

Yeah I feel you, and this definitely true too. I can't just ignore my roommate but I can be civil--like how you'd treat a roommate you found on craigslist or something

[PhiOmega]

Yea, that's right

[kalrodkal]

No it is good