My boyfriend wants to swing.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are already having a host of problems in our relationship mostly relating to his covering up his bisexuality and cross dressing habits and talking secretly to people online, on Craigslist. He swears he's never physically cheated on me, but he says he feels that it's "soon to come."

We've been separated since the last few days of April and seen each other twice for about a week since then. I'm moving back to Pittsburgh where he lives at the end of August, and before that he will be visiting me a third time, in about a month.

So now he says he wants us to swing because he thinks it will keep him from cheating, while I feel that that's an excuse to cheat right in front of my face so he doesn't have to feel bad or hide it. I'm terrified of the idea. For one, I don't want to share the man I love with anyone. And I certainly have no desire to sleep with someone else. I'm with my boyfriend because he's the person I love. But he says it's for sexual exploration and fun. Second, who in the world would we do it with? How am I supposed to know they are clean and safe? Third, wouldn't it just ruin our relationship anyway?

To guys: I want to know if there's any actual real sense and respect for me behind this. Can he love me and still feel this way and do the things he's doing?

To everyone: I know I'm stupid. I don't know how to explain it other than I really do love him. I feel pretty dumb.

[BaronScrewtape]

Generally speaking, swinging is usually a sign that a relationship is doomed. The people involved are together out of habit and/or comfort instead of any real love. If they had real sexual interest in each other they would not have to involve others, would they? There are exceptions to this of course, in the case of really close friends swinging together... but this is not the case with you.

It sounds to me that he has little self control regarding his desires and does not respect and love you to resist his selfish wants. Again, I am leaning towards a mental issue as he seems to have no understanding of his sexual identity. The problem is this is unlikely to change, and he will eventually cheat on you if he has not already. It is unlikely he can remain faithful to anyone until he figures himself out. This is why he talks about exploration; the idea of fun is just to get you to go along as the heterosexual aspect of his experiment.

I know you feel love for him, and it is true that we have little control over such feelings. However if you stay with him it is likely you will just be hurt worse than if you had completely cut him out of your life. At least then you could let the pain fade and heal... but with him you will have your wounds reopened daily. And when he does cheat you risk VD.

So that is my advice; cut him out of your life. Don't talk about him, analyze him, or keep mementos around about him: they will all just keep your pain alive. Keep busy doing the things you need to do to live, and then with hobbies to keep your mind focused on other things. Eventually the pain will fade and you can move on.

I hope this works out for you. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. Just keep in mind none of this is your fault, and you do not deserve to be in this situation. I wish you the best during this time.

[Fitzcarraldo]

The "actual real sense behind this" is that your boyfriend has some serious mental/emotional problems, and is probably not ready to commit to a serious, responsible, committed relationship.

Swingers are terrified of healthy intimacy, so they sabotage the relationship by introducing new people.

He's probably lying about having cheated, too. Odds are, he's been cheating and knows some fellow swingers.

Love's not enough. I wish it was.

You know what the best decision for yourself is. The question is whether or not you'll have the courage to break up and move on without him.

Good luck.

[misskiss17]

leave him

sometimes love isn't enough

we say it is but that's not the case

relationships not only take love, but they take work, and time

you can't just say, "oh all we need is love and it'll happen"

no it won't.

this guy is cross dressing, talking to other guys on craigslist, who he doesn't even know, he claims he hasn't slept with them but what if he has?what if he has and got something then slept with you and passed it to you?

this isn't about how much you love him anymore this is about respect and trust.

if he REALLLLY loved you, he wouldn't put the pressure on you to do something you aren't comfortable with because he feels he's going to cheat.who says that even if you do swing he won't cheat after that?how many times are you going to have to do this before he says "i won't cheat on you"

and btw the person y'all would do it with, is whoever he's talking to on craigslist from what it sounds like,

this is an unhealthy one way relationship get out now before you get infected.

sex isn't a game.exploration is ok but you're going about this the wrong way.

i get you'd do anything for him because you love him but you know that line that some people draw in relationships?yea this is one of those.i would say tell him to quit how he's acting or you're leaving him but it doesn't sound like he's going to change.

he's happy with everything that's going on and who he is.

your safest bet is to get out now.

good luck and be careful.

[nikita]

Whoaa. this is a weird situation. First of all, the fact that he's bi is fine, but if he's cross dressing and all that other stuff .. I think he's confused. He might be giving you a hint by saying that he might cheat on you, as in he's kind of telling you " I want to explore without commitment ". I think you should sit down and talk this out with him, because if you feel uncomfortable and unloved in a relationship, it isn't healthy at all and you should get out of it asap.

[hunnie-bunches]

YOU ANSWERDED THIS YOUR SELF ITS A WAY FOR HIM TO CHEAT AND IT BE OK. HE CAN'T LOVE YOU IF HE WANTS TO BE WITH OTHERS AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO MY ADVICE TO YOU IS RUN LIKE HELL AND DONT LOK BACK. YOU SEEM LIKE A GREAT GIRL AND NO IM NOT GAY OR BI BUT THERE ARENT MANY OF US DECENT GIRLS OUT THERE .THERE ARE MANY GUYS JUST WAITING TO FIND A GIRL DEVOTED AND FAITHFUL LIKE YOU. GET OUT THERE AND FIND A REAL MAN AND NOT SOME BI SEXUAL SEX CRAZED FREAK

[windyone]

I really don't even know what to say to you. I answered your question yesterday and it sounds like you chose to stay with him so this is the stuff your gonna have to deal with. In my opinion you really have right to complain you know what he has been doing and although you say he claims he never cheated on you physically do you really believe that? Your so blinded by this dude your willing to do something that you don't feel right with. WOW hope you don't catch something...

[boi818]

I wouldn't take this guy serious anymore, he obviously doesn't know what it takes to be in a serious relationship and is already giving off way too much signs that he'll be unfaithful.

[larry69]

Get out of this relationship now! Unless you are totally into swinging.