My boyfriend doesn't always want to pay for me?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for over a year now. We regularly go on dates and usually (90%) he pays. I offer to pay once in a while, but usually he does.

Now he has brought up that we really should be alternating paying for dates, outings, and expenses because he says it isn't "fair" to expect him to pay most of the time. We make about the same amount of money.

But shouldn't the guy pay most of the time?

His comment about alternating has really started to make me think he's being cheap or doesn't know how to treat a lady.

What are your thoughts?

[med11]

At this current point, I have no issue paying as I feel it is gentlemanly to do so. However, there is a caveat to this and that is if I get the general sense the woman feels I "should" be doing it and doesn't even offer (which is key to me personally) every other event than she will be gone incredibly quick.

In fact, it isn't even (to me, at least) about her paying as much as it comes down to her recognizing and appreciating the dynamic. If it's one thing I cannot stand it is selfish or entitled people so all one needs to do is simply make an effort to show they recognize what is going on and try to pull their weight and not be carried. I can honestly say that ten times out of ten if a woman offered I would thank her and tell her it isn't necessary but the fact she offered speaks volumes about her personality to me. Gold diggers are extremely easy to spot and no successful man will ever waste any time on them unless they have physical issues or are too desperate to realize the difference.

I already shell out 20.3% in taxes annually to (the majority of the time) held aid the growing laziness of others and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with someone who can't even recognize and/or appreciate the efforts men put in to assure the security of their significant other.

[alisac]

(Part 1/1) med, my brother was just like you. He would have agreed with your words 100%. He always paid 100% but at least he wanted the girl to offer. And they always did. Later he realized that most gold diggers are really much smarter than you think they are. Most gold diggers don't stand there saying "the guy has to pay." They know full well that most guys won't fall for that. Most gold diggers are smart enough to always offer and test the waters. They know that $5 a month to offer their guy an ice cream cone or paying 10% of your vacation once a year won't hurt their pocket books, but it will do the trick to make the guy think "she cares".

She will constantly offer and as long as the times you accept are reasonable for her wallet, and her "return on investment" is significantly higher than what she offers, she'll stay. If you take it too far and always split the costs fairly, she will be gone, because there is no money to make out of you. My brother experienced that first hand.

[alisac]

(Part 2/3) He was in a 3 year long relationship. He always paid, she always offered, he always declined. The fact that she offered was enough for him. After almost 3 years, we got word that she used past guys for money. So he started to test her, let her pay here and there, and she was absolutely fine with it. He took it further and suggested alternating. She initially agreed, but often "forgot" it was her turn. When he politely kept reminding her, she was gone within a week. There wasn't even a fight or argument, she just took off. She realized he was done carrying her. So much for true love. He was really depressed because that girl just mooched off of him for 3 years and he didn't even realize it. He wanted to marry her and have kids with her. And he's pretty smart, but she knew how to trick him.

The exact same thing happened to three (!) friends of mine.

[alisac]

(Part 3/3) In general, she should not just offer, she should absolutely insist. If you pay for dinner, she should take the next turn or buy groceries. If you spend hundreds of dollars for a vacation, she should buy you an expensive gift. The definition of a gentleman has changed.

A girl that is NOT trying to get a free ride off of you will inevitably get a guilty conscience if you constantly shell out all the Benjamins and she doesn't. I know plenty of girls that would never let you pay for everything. I WOULD'NT. It would be a huge turn off. I would fight you to death over it, because my conscience is much stronger than my selfishness. Most of the girls that replied below would never let you pay more than 50%.

A girl that wants to get a free ride will almost always offer. She's STILL USING YOU although she's always offering!

I really, really hope that you realize that sooner rather than later. Before you marry her and she divorces you and takes half your money.

[Anonymous]

WTF? are you serious?

What's wrong with you paying? Gold digger much?

He isn't made of money... if you want a relationship the woman should at least help out once in awhile. I actually like women that alternate. In fact I never say no when a girl alternates with me, because it shows she is independent, that she is caring enough to want to go half way with me in the relationship.

I personally would never date a girl that doesn't go in half way or alternate. And, that's why he is asking you

I can't believe you said he's cheap.. so he pays 90% each time and now the 1 time he asked you to pay more he's cheap? Wow.. if I was him and with you. I'd dump you right now.

Find a girl that actually appreciates me and not for my money.

[Paris13]

Being you are This couple, have been together for awhile, and hooked at the hip at that, there is nothing wrong in Sharing Expenses And with this---Going Dutch Treat.
It's also good practice for when you Might decide one day to share a nest together as well. Then you Both would have to partake in the paying of the bills, for you would then be these two birds who stick together.
Of course, when you're 'Date mates' it Might be a different story, or at least at first. Then as time goes on, the Other half may even Offer Graciously to lend a hand with a few bucks, maybe even taking turns.
The economy is bad today, nothing is cheap, not even eating out at a fast food joint. Going Dutch treat, or even making some sort of Compromise, is a great way to keep the 'Long term love' going strong for more years to follow.
Good luck. xx

[Prettygurl12]

50/50.

My boyfriend and I take turns paying for dates. After reading your details, you literally have no excuse for not footing the bill as much as he does. And no, your vagina doesn't make you too good to pay. :P

So fork over that wallet girly and start shelling out the cash. Or you may find yourself without a boyfriend.

[musicbrain5]

I agree.

[musicbrain5]

He shouldn't have to pay for everything. He's not being cheap and no, the guy should not have to pay most of the time. That's an outdated dating trend. You're in a relationship with him, you should pay for more dates and buy him things. Guys love that too, you know.

[Nuns_in_Heat]

I've seen this twice today... The economy is horrible, a lot of people are poor. A lot of jobs don't pay much and dinner bills aren't cheap unless it's dinner at McDonalds. If I had it my way the girl I was with wouldn't pay for anything ever. But life's tough and there isn't always spending money. You can say just get a new job but that isn't easy either. With all the uber experienced seniors coming out of retirement a lot of younger inexperienced guys aren't being looked at.
DodgersGM says it's a red flag if he doesn't pay for it all. I say it's a red flag for the girl if she expects him to pay for everything.

Bottom line, money don't grow on trees.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed and pleased how many of the younger generation see this as outdated. In my generation nobody would have even entertained the idea, and it's only one generation difference.

Stop bleeding the guy dry - do you pick the restaurants too then want him to pay? That kind of thing is expensive these days, and the economy is tepid, and the tepid economy is not going to get better as the age of automation continues to expand

If you really love your boyfriend you would want to be helping his financial situation, e. g. helping him save money (e. g. for your future together? retirement? house?) because people who love one another try build another up and help one another. I try help my wife save money, why wouldn't she try do the same? We both try see where we can save money so we can pitch in and help with the house and cars and expenses for our child.

[kangy]

you need to understand the finance situation he is in and i think for first official date a guy should pay to show his sincerity but subsequently the girl should chip in too. he isn't earning a high salary i believe. why should a guy pay most of the time? he has been treating you well doesn't he?

[one_true_alpha]

Guys should only pay in the beginning, once you've been together for a while you should work together to split the bill or just pay for it. It's called a relationship, you both put in effort and work together on things.

[DodgersGM]

I really love paying for things in the beginning because I think it's the gentlemanly thing to do (antiquated or not, that's just how I feel about it), but to me this sounds like purchasing affection, and that's a huge red flag, and a huge turn off.

[thnkahead]

Wow, so you are after him for his money? I would dump you in a heartbeat if you told me what you told us.
"How to treat a lady". Pfffft. Welcome to the 21st century of gender equality.

If you don't like it, move on before he moves on.

[Letstrend]

What has gender equality to do with this lmao it's her bf paying for her not a random guy. If you're gonna ask a girl out for dinner you also gotta pay. It has always been like that and so will it continue. Most guys don't even mind it.

[alisac]

It has a lot to do with gender equality. Gender equality applies to everything, not just "pick and choose what I like".

The custom of a man always paying for dates comes from a time where a woman wasn't allowed to work or own her own money. These times are over, thanks to feminism, and hence the custom should die off, too. Everyone with half a brain should have realized that by now.

And we're not talking about "a guy asking a girl out for dinner", but the fact that SHE doesn't want to ask HIM out just as much, for whatever selfish reasons.

Most guys YOU know probably don't mind it, but as you can see from the other guys answering here, a lot of them actually do, as they should.

[alisac]

And no, it wasn't always like that and it will not continue. In countries all over the world it is becoming more and more common for girls to pay for dates and that's a trend that continues.

In Sweden, for example, it's common for the girl to even pay on the first date. He pays for dinner, she pays for drinks.

In Germany, it is acceptable to go Dutch on a first date and some women will even insist on it.

And even in much more traditional countries like Spain or France, younger generations will usually alternate paying for dates. Same in Taiwan, Korea, Japan, the UK, or the US.

It's becoming more and more common and it's a good thing.

[rthomas43]

Well you sound entitled.

He's probably going broke trying to pay for everything.

[abzence]

"We make about the same amount of money"

Why should you get to keep your money and he should spend a major chunk of his on you?

Is he being cheap? What about you?

[genericname85]

are you the kind of girl, who want´s the guy to work and the woman to stay in the kitchen? if your answer is yes, you are right, if your answer is no, then why the fuck should he keep paying?

[TheBiggestDreamer]

You are a moron. I don't think you're intelligent enough to actually be in a relationship so quit while you're behind.

[Letstrend]

Calm down dude.

[TheBiggestDreamer]

I'm calm. Sometimes people just need to be told when their opinion is stupid.

[Letstrend]

Calling them a moron and telling them that they're opinion is stupid are two different things, smartass.

[med11]

Two different things: Yes. Both related & can be used in this particular issue: Absolutely as she both made several non intelligent comments and also comes off as a moron by her concluding statement.

[Letstrend]

Whatever dude, it's rude.

[Anonymous]

Depends on how much you make. It's like rich people... why should they have to pay high taxes? Well, because they make a lot of money, they can afford higher taxes... if you can't afford to pay for your dinner or whatever, your boyfriend should etc.. (of course that begs to say why are you dating him if you can't afford anything)

[KBob93]

Do you make sure to clean his room & wash his clothes every time you're over at his place? If not, you clearly don't know how to treat a gentleman.

[yesmylove]

You make the same amount therefore you should pay sometimes too, not him all the time.

[Princessofpersia]

I would feel embarrassed if I let anyone pay for me all the time I am my own woman boyfriend or not

[ihatethiswebsite]

Sounds like your mad since you won't get free meals anymore. I guess you don't want to be equals

[Anonymous]

There are many fair ways to decide who should pay, when and how much. But one things for sure: basing it on sex isn't fair. It's sexist!

[wuhsin88]

Equal rights. Equal responsibilities.

[catguy]

Exactly!

[Downanddepressed]

Cannot agree more

[TadCurious]

I thought women wanted equality. Oh, I guess not.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your thoughts, nothing else to add.

[Opinion Owner]

Ofcourse you can offer to pay every once in awhile. That's fair.

[Asker]

I do offer to pay every once in a while. But you do agree that the guy should be paying most of the time and that he really shouldn't be taking about alternating?

[Asker]

talking about*

[rthomas43]

Notice that the only person agreeing with you is under 18. This child has no idea what the real world is like.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I do. I don't see what's the big deal some people make about it. Most guys I know would never let a girl pay anything for them.

[musicbrain5]

That's great and all, but a girl should at least be okay with the idea of paying and taking her boyfriend out instead of acting all entitled by saying things like "my boyfriend doesn't always want to pay for me".

[MaxIsWell]

I agree with this opinion. I hate it when guys abuse the women's lib movement for their personal gain and as a justification for being cheap. A man is supposed to take care of his lady. She may offer once in a while, but only if she wants to, and if she doesn't, the guy pays. Simple.

Over the last 7 years, I never let my girl pay for anything even once. And she makes more money than I do.

And if that means the girl gets to keep her money and the guy spends a major chunk of his own on her, as someone here put it, then so be it. You shouldn't be so materialistic to worry about that she's going to save more money than you can. That's not any of the guys concern. He should take care of you, because it's a guy's privilege to take care of a woman. If he doesn't, dump him. End of story.

Girls, don't put up with cheapskates.

[catguy]

It's not an excuse if girls want equality it should apply for everything not just when it's convenient. We live in the 21st century, lets not go back to the 1950s

[thnkahead]

MaxIsWell, so you're fine with blowing a fortune on a girl who makes more money than you?
So what exactly does she offer in return? Is she absolutely the 'perfect' girlfriend? Does she never argue with you, never do wrong?
Yes, materialism can be a bad thing. But you can always flip an argument over. I can flip this argument over by saying "Why doesn't she pay for things? Is she afraid to dish out her hard-earned money? Why is she being so materialistic as to not pay for things?"
I think it is absurd that a man has to pay for everything, particularly working with less income. But if you want to do so, and god forbid she breaks up with you and you look at your bank statement and cry because you dumped so much money into her, then all the more power to you.
Us other guys? We'll split the bill. We'll save money. If we're dumped/do the dumping, we'll still be financially well-off to enjoy life, and still care for other women that come into our lives.

[thnkahead]

MaxIsWell, it also isn't just about the money. It is about her intentions. A girl that has you pay for everything can be said to be a gold-digger, and I would worry that she would see you as a meal-ticket/checkbook. You're only reinforcing that attitude, and what's to stop her from dumping you to go for someone with a bigger wallet?
Also, the only time I would pay for everything is if my girlfriend were so absolutely perfect in everything she did, and she never argued. Since not only is that expectation unrealistic, it is also boring and I would never date a girl like that. I also don't expect that from women in our century.
We're in the 21st century. Act like it.