My boyfriend of 5 years wants me to pay him back?

[teeyabeeya]

My boyfriend of 5 years decided to help me out and purchase me a car because the other car I had needed too many repairs and the car note payment was not worth it. We live together, pay bills together, and everything for the past 4 years. He told me that he wants me to pay him back for buying me the car and the extra money that he had to spend on getting some important parts fixed on the car as well. I think that this is selfish and greedy especially since we live together and we are supposed to be a team. When I say this, he just says that he doesn't think that it was fair that he bought me a car when he didn't have to! He also, made his mom pay him back for buying her a car as well. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I pay him back? What should I do?

Updates

+1 y

Honestly, if he had done it that way, I would have nothing to say about it.

Updates

+1 y

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[madhatters4]

so you feel like he should make huge expenditures on your behalf and just do this because...

look if I wanted the money back I would've made it clear up front but you 100% should have some sort of desire to reimburse him. over time perhaps you just make small payments, or buy other things but you shouldn't think you are going to just be giving high dollar items.

how is it ever greedy or selfish to purchase a car for someone with the thought that they will reimburse you at some point

[teeyabeeya]

The car was 3000 and no one said anything about not paying him back. He just expects me to give him my last dime while he has a full bank account. If I am someone he plans to marry, it shouldn't have even been an issue in the first place because I would have done it for him.

[M_A_X]

It sounds like you two are breaking up at first, but after you said that, I'm not so sure.

The money shouldn't even be separate if you're going to get married. Arguments like this only usually happen when people breakup... so again, kinda confused

[teeyabeeya]

No one said I wasn't going to pay him back. I just don't feel like I should have to go completely broke paying him back all at once. He won't agree to payments and he won't agree to just take half. He usually always does things for me in hopes that I would pay him back and not because he is sincerely trying to do something for the woman he loves.

[teeyabeeya]

I am not high maintenance and I don't nag, I don't depend on him for hardly anything. A relationship shouldn't be a payment plan or a business partnership if we plan to get married.

[madhatters4]

"He told me that he wants me to pay him back for buying me the car and the extra money that he had to spend on getting some important parts fixed on the car as well. I think that this is selfish and greedy especially since"

based on that statement it did sound like you thought it was greedy and selfish for him to expect you to pay him back... which therefore would mean you didn't expect to pay him back, otherwise his expectation of reimbursement wouldn't be "greedy or selfish"

you didn't mention in your initial post that you were dead broke and couldn't even begin to start paying him off. Here's a lesson I learned early in life. money can and often does ruin relationships. there's a saying "nor a borrower or lender be". don't borrow money if you can't pay it back. don't loan money unless you are ok with not getting it back. I only give money to my wife, friends, family etc. if I don't HAVE to get it back. but if I loan it I'm not going to be a loan shark. if I borrow I'm paying back

[matheus_mb]

You're not wrong, if you live together and share everything I think he is being selfish. But if he didn't it with his mom too I'm not surprised. Try to convince him a little more that you're a team, but I'm not sure if he'll listen.

[teeyabeeya]

I don't know if that will help. I will try though. Thanks matheus_mb!

[Queen_naki5]

It depends, did he give it to you as a gift? If not, then it's only fair for you to pay him back. Work out a payment plan to pay him little by little every month. I know what you mean, but if you want to keep your 5 year relationship than you have to work out expenses. One of the biggest reasons for failed relationships is finances. He also should try his best to be more understanding of your situation.

[Queen_naki5]

I don't know why everyone is mentioning how you two aren't married. Even if you two had been married, it would be a personal expense of the two of you, meaning technically you'll still owe him the half $1,500. Being married doesn't simultaneously change the situation by a long shot. It just makes it 50/50

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[Queen_naki5]

Ok. That's a warning sign. If he isn't at least willing to compromise and work out something with you than he is indeed being quite selfish. I would give him back those keys and tell him that he should get his money back and HE can drive you where you need to go instead becuase you don't have the money to give him all at once. Put your foot down. Remind him that he didn't even expect money up front. So why the change of plans all of a sudden? That sounds fishy.

[Queen_naki5]

Did you pick out this car? Or did he just purchase it and said "here, I brought you a car"? Sometimes our judgement is off and it would have been in your best interest to ask him from the get go if he wanted to be compensated for the vehicle. If not, this guy can try to press legal charges and of course it'll be in his favor. You're better off giving him back the keys at this point.

[teeyabeeya]

Not trying to compromise with me. He just threatened to take the car and wreck it. Mind you, it's in my name and we have a child together. So maybe he doesn't give a dank about me and is just selfish?

[Queen_naki5]

You didn't mention that you two have a child together. That changes the entire dynamic of the situation. You NEED a car. You have a small child for crying out loud. From what you're saying, he needs a wake up call. You need to pack your stuff and get out for a few days. Do you have family to stay with for the time being? You do know that that car isn't just for you at this point... it's about the well being of your child as well. He sounds like a loser. I would be mad too.

[teeyabeeya]

I don't have any family here. My mom is about an hour away and my brother is on the west coast. I am going to have to leave for a few days or even move out and end it. I don't want to be in a relationship or married to someone that expects me to repay them everything they do for me whether it's something as small as gas in the car, food on the table, or something as big as a car. That makes me feel like if he buys me an engagement ring, ill have to repay him for that as well because that's a purchase he didn't "have" to make. Foolishness.

[Queen_naki5]

Exactly. Save your money and try to make an escape. I think that you need to tell him that you're leaving and that the two of you need to arrange a way to see the baby or something because you can't live under those circumstances. I hate to say this, but if he hasn't even asked you to marry him than he won't. He's thinking about dollar signs, he isn't being practical. At first, I figure it's only fair for you to pay him back, but after what you told me, you need to run not walk to the nearest exit.

[Queen_naki5]

Inbox me if you wanna talk more about it.

[teeyabeeya]

Thank you. I did

[RestlessYouth_]

Well honestly, I don't see how anyone could let someone buy them an entire car and not expect to pay for it at all. Unless he told you it was a GIFT and not to worry about paying him back. Yes y'all are a team, but he shouldn't have to finance you, it's not selfish of him at all, I'd want my cash back.
You guys did the wrong thing firstly by not discussing how the car would be payed for.

[BuchitaBuchys]

Girl wtf? Pay him back.
You're his girlfriend, not his child. Not even his wife. He is your boyfriend, not an atm. Pay him back. I'd say you're wrong in this. UNLESS you also helped him with a large expenditure. Otherwise, you're being a greedy dick.

[Stacyzee]

Because you have been together for so long , you seem to feel very entitled.
Even if someone were together for thirty years, if the person says they want to be paid back then pay that person back !
Sure, it would have been nice if he gave it to you without expecting anything back.
But that the fact of the matter is, you agreed to this , and he helped you in a lot of ways.
You should feel thankful instead of finding reason to be disappointed.

[teeyabeeya]

I didn't ask him to do anything for me. I do feel entitled and he does as well. I didn't say that I wouldn't pay him back, I just feel like it is selfish to do something for someone and expect a payback. I feel like he didn't do it to help me, even if it did. I didn't agree to anything. The car is in my name. If he would have said, " Ill do this for you but you have to pay me back" upfront, I wouldn't feel the way that I do. But, he didn't. We did not have an agreement on this. It just came out of the blue. I am very thankful for the car. No one said that I wasn't.

[pr3ttybr0wn]

Did you discuss paying him back before he bought you the car? He can't just do something for you, then all of a sudden decide he should get reimbursed. If this isn't something y'all discussed and agreed on PRIOR to him purchasing the vehicle then he has no leg to stand on. He didn't have to buy you a car, so why did he? Was he forced?

[teeyabeeya]

No we didn't. I didn't ask him and he wasn't forced. He just did it and said that it would help me in the long run as far as money goes. Now all of a sudden he wants to be reimbursed

[dudeman]

Pay him back. he's not your atm account and you're not his wife.

[teeyabeeya]

Well he expects me to sleep with him, live with him, pay bills with him, and everything else like I am his wife. If he expected me to pay him back, then why even do something so drastic?

[dudeman]

Uhhh yeah you're bf and gf who live together. That answeres all that.

[Dandeus]

He expects you to do those things? You make it sound like being his girlfriend is an unpleasant chore.

[teeyabeeya]

Are you married?

[dudeman]

No dont plan to be. Lived with a gf for a few years and we split everything. A car is different what if you break up do you cut the car in half

[teeyabeeya]

Dandeus, no its not an unpleasant chore. The point I was trying to make was not that at all. I am just saying that he wants me to "act" like his wife without the " I do". But, I can expect him to act like a husband would in this situation?

[dudeman]

Do you even have kids together.

[teeyabeeya]

The car is in my name. We have 1 kid together.

[dudeman]

That makes it a little different. He should have made you pay half bit put it in his name

[teeyabeeya]

Honestly, if he had done it that way, I would have nothing to say about it.

[dudeman]

I didn't realize you had a kid together

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[dudeman]

Well thats your deal. Sorry your in it. Children should never be harmed from an adults decision. Maybe though he wants to see you dig yourself out before he commits

[Th3D3vil5w1f3]

Your feelings are valid , but if everything is equal down the middle and he took his share to buy you are car then yes you should pay him back , and no I don't think he's being stingy. you are not married. .

[teeyabeeya]

The car was 3000 and honestly it is helping us both out because I am not paying a car note anymore and that is more money in the house for expenses. However, no we are not married, but don't do things as a husband should for a "girlfriend" just to get reimbursed.

[Th3D3vil5w1f3]

In relationships being not married and living together yes you are having sex, but you need to treat it also like a business relationship. it's just like a room mate lending you money while your down they would expect to get paid back. sex and a committed relationship doesn't automatically mean you share money , and he has a right to be paid back. at any time you too could break up and he is shit out of luck if he says it's alright don't pay me back .

[teeyabeeya]

You are right. I didn't say that I was not going to pay him back. I just don't think that he should expect me to go broke when he didn't and he wouldn't for me. I guess I should just ask him to reimburse me for everything I have done and bought for him

[ccp16]

That is a big purchase, honestly I would not have even bought the car. It's not like you are married. If it was something a bit smaller maybe, but that is a big purchase.

[teeyabeeya]

It was only a 3000 car. That isn't a lot of money honestly. It was not brand new and it was very used.

[ccp16]

I would consider that a lot just up ad spend on someone. but its me i guess, either way, i would just be thankful

[teeyabeeya]

True. I am very thankful. The thing is, I would do it for him if he needed it and not even think twice about asking him to pay me back. That is not the kind of relationship that I want to be in.

[VHDude78]

No.. you're not wrong. I would definitely question your relationship with him. Usually when people ask for restitution that means they're unsure if they will continue the relationship.

[teeyabeeya]

That is what I am starting to realize now. He wouldn't even agree to half. He wants it all paid in full.

[Izzex3]

Yes. Please pay him back.
At least now you know what to expect from him.
He even made his mom pay him back so why would someone who he isn't even married to be an exception?
Definitely pay him back so it won't cause further problems.

[Findingmyway]

The details of this purchase should have been spelled out before the purchase. What was discussed at the time?

[teeyabeeya]

Nothing was discussed. He just bought the car and told me he got it.

[Findingmyway]

I think that if you want to avoid this being a thorn in your relationship you both agree to disagree on the matter and choose instead to compromise and split the cost. You pay him back half. Otherwise this will add strain which you don't want. Its not worth it. You both should have discussed it when it happened. He was wrong to not mention it wasn't a gift and you wrong not to clarify if it was a gift or not. So meet in the middle :-)

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[Findingmyway]

Relationships are about compromise, and when a compromise can't be met by both parties it's time to evaluate the relationship. If you can't compromise on something like this then there could be bigger problems when you are faced with something much more serious or important.

[MikeMikeMike]

you're not married. he has every right to ask for that. You are not his responsibility

[teeyabeeya]

We practically are if we have been together and lived together this long. No, I am not his responsibility and NO I didn't ask him to get the car for me. He did it himself. I would never do something for someone I love because they need the help and then ask for them to pay me back in return.

[MikeMikeMike]

i mean was there any kind of verbal agreement? did he not make it clear? D:

[teeyabeeya]

No. There was no verbal agreement at all.

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[MikeMikeMike]

yeah that's a little fucked up. Sorry for my initial comment- i obviously didn't read it clearly. I mean maybe talk it over with him?

[teeyabeeya]

Instead of a compromise he says, "I better have the money paid in full"

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

Yes, it's selfish of him i could never do that to any girlfriend

[teeyabeeya]

I can see if we didn't live together or already have a foundation set where we do everything together financial wise. I feel so upset that he would expect me to give him my last dime while he has a bank account full of money.

[Anonymous]

You're the selfish one thinking you shouldn't pay him back.

[teeyabeeya]

I don't thin that I should go broke giving him my last dime. He would never do that for me.

[Opinion Owner]

But he did buy a car for you no did he, and you had no problem accepting it did you... you're being selfish, set up a payment plan and pay him in installments.

[teeyabeeya]

I honestly felt like he was doing something out of the kindness of his heart because he loves me, not because he wanted to get the money back.

[Opinion Owner]

You can't be serious.

[Opinion Owner]

You're just looking for someone to agree with you but truth is buying a car isn't something you do out of the kindness of your heart. he got his mom to pay him back you clearly know it wasn't a kindness of his heart situation. You're selfish

[teeyabeeya]

No, he's selfish for doing things for people and expecting a payback. You must be selfish as well. If that was the case, everything that I have done for him I should be expecting a payback.

[Opinion Owner]

Wow really so you're one of those people that just expects to be handed things, like a car and then thinks its unreasonable to ask to be reimbursed when they didn't even HAVE to buy you anything. If you bought him something that he needed for daily life and was essential for him to go to work and move around and was more than 2000$ yes you should ask to be reimbursed.

[teeyabeeya]

No, I am not one of "those" people. He and I have been together long enough to where, in my opinion, it shouldn't matter what we do for each other. Living together, everything is split down the middle from finances to chores around the house. We plan on getting married so if he does things for me and expects a payback from it now, he may be the same way once we are married. I am entitled to feel however I want about this situation.

[Opinion Owner]

Those are daily expected household expenses buying a car is an additional out of the norm expense, Seriously. How often does a BF just buy a car for a GF? You aren't married yet and if shit hits the fan he's wasted money out of pocket for no reason, just because you're together it doesn't mean his money is yours and your money is his there is boundaries and you're being selfish by feeling entitled to take advantage of him that way.

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[oldanddecrepid]

You lived together... he got the benefit of the car also, so I think he should just chalk it up to a learning experience.

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

Of course you're wrong, just because he's your boyfriend he doesn't have to buy you a new car. He has every right to ask for compensation.

[James687]

why are u asking us? if he bought the car its clearly his, he has every right to demand u for moneyyyy

[teeyabeeya]

It's not since the car is in my name actually

[Anonymous]

He was nice enough to help you out when you couldn't afford it. I think you can do the reasonable thing and pay him back

[teeyabeeya]

We are practically a married couple without the ring and license. So, basically you are saying that I should pay my "husband" back for everything he helps me out with even though we are supposed to be a team?

[Opinion Owner]

He helped you out by buying you a car. That's diffcult to buy somebody something that expensice when you are dating someone. It sounds like mooching to be so offended by him asking for the money back. I would be offended if I was him that you wouldn't dare pay him back

[teeyabeeya]

Honestly, we are past the "dating" stage. I wouldn't even expect anything from a guy that I was just dating and he wouldn't be with me still. Our plans are marriage. I didn't say I wouldn't pay him back. I just feel like it is sneaky and selfish to do something for someone you love just because you expect them to pay you back.

[Opinion Owner]

And it can be selfish to use a car somebody gives you and not even consider paying them back. Both sides can look selfish. Ultimately he bought a car for you when you needed it. That's probably rare for a boyfriend to do that. And now he wants you to pay him back for that.

[teeyabeeya]

You have a very valid point

[Opinion Owner]

You can pay him like a certain amount monthly. Him expecting the money back all at once seems unreasonable. You both can figure out a number that seems fair to pay back monthly and go with that

[teeyabeeya]

Apparently, he doesn't want half and is not willing to take payments with me. He would rather me go broke and possibly be in control. Makes me question the relationship.

[Opinion Owner]

If you have the money then that seems fine but if you don't then that seems dumb on his part

[RationalMale]

He doesn't owe you a car anymore than you owe him sex.

It's not selfish, it's normal.

[Dionysos]

You did. You let him inside you.

[teeyabeeya]

Agreed.

[dudeman]

So lame. Its not like she's not getting sex too.

[ranma187]

so basically she is a sort of prostitute?

[Dionysos]

No. She's not a prostitute, but the sex was a gift that she can't take back any more than he should try to take back the money he spent on her.

All relationships are give and give. You don't try to take back what you gave when it's over.

[teeyabeeya]

Honestly, sex has nothing to do with it. But, you can expect someone to give you all the benefits of being a husband when you have a problem giving her the benefits of being your wife.

[blondfrog]

Legally he is not wrong morally he is.

[teeyabeeya]

Agreed.