Girlfriend goes out clubbing only without me, and its literally every night?

[Anonymous]

First of all thanks for your time if you are reading this.
Its like this: Me and my girlfriend are in a relationship for 2 years and we are both 23 years old. She lives with her brother, I still live with my parents but am about to move out on my own soon. However, she has a hometown where she grew up and her parents live, which is around 200KM away from my hometown where she's situated with her brother. Occasionally she visits there and stays for a few days or 1-2 weeks sometimes. My problem is that, she has some problem or not sure what, she just can't stay at home - she's always out for a walk or out for shopping or anything, just not to be home. Especially when she goes to visit her parents in her hometown, she's out every night, clubbing and getting drunk until 3-4 am. Literally every day when she's there. When she's in my hometown I've asked her quite a few times to go out in a night club or go out together at some party, she always rejected telling me that she hates clubbing and parties, and would just go on a casual walk with me. She hasn't invited me yet in her hometown, which is making me feel bad after 2 years. I've told her on a few occasions that she goes out too much and she notices that i change my mood whenever she goes out, but she just tells me that "i am forbidding her to go out", even though i never said that and goes out either way, or she just acts like she doesn't care and nothing is happening. Also when we go out together for a dinner or anything, she never bothers to dress up - just wears normal jeans and a tshirt, while when she goes out there its always miniskirts and the clothes I never get to see her in. (which i get it she might be comfortable around me but still?) I rarely go out on my own, because I dont have many friends, so she never has to worry about me being out. Why is she acting like this and continuing to do everything and acting like she's not that worried or doesn't care/cold when she's around her parents (her hometown)?

[Theguyoverthere]

These are probably things you won't want to read but honestly, I don't think she even considers herself to be dating you and just wants you to think you two are still a couple so she can see you on her own terms to use you for temporary company. She's still stuck in her "party phase" because of all the clubbing. In a real relationship she'd only dress that way for you. Plus the way she dodges your issues tells me she is very manipulative and her disregard for your concerns shows she doesn't even see herself "with you." You're just company and she knows that if you two were to "break up" that you likely wouldn't be making the time to see her.

Plus she's likely gotten a lot of drinks from guys and those are somewhat likely to have lead to drunken sexual encounters I feel. I'm sure you know every night is a high risk for her being hit on and the fact that she's refusing to let you see her outright shows she's hiding something... or likely a lot of things. No girlfriend that is real about the relationship would not want her own boyfriend to see her like that. I really do think someone's likely hit on her and it went further.

Plus she's likely got alcohol issues as well and doesn't want you to see her in a drunken state because you'll likely want her to be sober meaning the partying would have to stop. Sure she may not consider herself one, but the proof would be in asking her to stop. Plus with the way girls are about getting free drinks, like many who go to bars empty handed knowing guys will offer, it's not like it'd have to drain her wallet. Plus if a guy's buying her her drinks, he's obviously gonna be making moves. What real girlfriend would put her boyfriend through that kind of worry outside of the manipulative ones?

I feel this will fall apart overtime, but be for the best in the sense that you won't have to be dealing with someone like this and can find a much better girlfriend who is more mature and out of the "party phase" of her life. You shouldn't want to be associated with someone who could easily be snapshotted drunk on facebook and be the next drunken meme,

[Asker]

Thanks for your honest answer.
Indeed, she never wants to drink alchohol with me, and I have almost no idea how she behaves when she is drunk. When I would mention getting drunk with her her answer is: "Why would I do that, I dont like alchohol". And in the messages with her girlfriends before she goes out, she's the one who always initiates the drinking alcohol at her house.
As for the guys buying her drinks, she goes out every night, but says guys never pick up or flirt with her, which i can't really believe of course...

If i was her company only, and she saw no future with me, why would she waste 2 years in a relationship with me, and why would she make plans for the future how we would work together, how we would travel, etc etc. ?

So you are saying I should just straight break up with her, telling her its because she goes out every night and won't listen to me?

Thank you.

[Theguyoverthere]

Yea that is my opinion personally. The drinking alone is concerning, and in addition the other potential issues that come with it. It just feels like she is hiding things from you and th as tnif casually strolled in to see her at these clubs that she would fight with you instead of smiling and being glad you wanted to see her.

[truthbeknown]

Hmmm, I know the type. Some people just cannot sit still and have to go out and do something night after night. She may have some kind of disorder or phobia that staying home is scary or unhealthy or she will miss something. Some people have to be constantly going somewhere in order to feel happy or satisfied in life. The only way they can enjoy life it at 100 miles per hour 7 days a week. I think she is more the type that is bored easily and just can't be happy to stay at home and watch tv or spend time with you on a normal basis. Socially you two are not compatible. There really isn't anything wrong with what she wants and likes, and there is really nothing wrong with what you like either. You both just like different things and unfortunatly it is hindering your relationship to the point where you really can't have one with her. That early 20's age is really still that college age where you don't have too many life responsibilities yet and life is only exciting and fun if you go clubbing. Most people grow out of this phase and leave it behind, but some do not and continue to live like this for many years. Hard to have a life with someone like that.

[Asker]

She has a psychological problem here or something I think.
Her father always accuses her for not being friendly and that she should be more communicative and go out more often ( no idea what that dudes' problem is). She is even too social and goes out too often. But, in her head, she thinks that she is not social and that she doesn't know how to behave in public and that she will get ashamed, and thats why she should go out more often to socialize. There's no changing her in thinking like this - I tried several times to talk to her about it, but no use I guess her father was doing it for 20 years and i can't change it in a few talks.
Also she is about to get a new job, and instead of being excited about the new job and opportunities, she's excited about the new colleagues and going out to restaurants and night clubs with them? What can I do?

[truthbeknown]

Personally, she is not someone I could be in a relationship with. Going out and partying with the late nights and drinking is very unhealthy plus really expensive too. What happens once she gets the job and instead of going to bed at a decent hour she is up all night clubbing? This will eventually cost her her job. She wouldn't be someone I could count on or rely on. I couldn't be with someone that is constantly going out spending money, getting drunk and risking her future doing it. Hard to plan a life with someone like that. Ultimately it is her life. You really can't make her do anything. Honestly, is she worth the effort and risk? I think you will spend the rest of life fighting and struggling with her to get the relationship you want, and maybe never really get it.

[MissFabulous]

Yeah that's a tough situation. It might be like you said, she's comfortable with u. She proably comfortable around her hometown to go out & do things there. Maybe she unfamiliar with your hometown but still she should try to get to know it. Maybe she feels that she can't go out and do those things with you for some reason (maybe she's afraid u will get jealous, sometimes boyfriends do that) or she just wants things to be chill around u.

I say talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel, ask her politely why she won't go out with u to parties and clubs but she will go out in her hometown. Then ask her why she won't dress up for you when u guys go out to dinner. If u ask her out again u could tell her something like "babe I love when u come into town to see me and when we just chill & hangout but I would really like it if we could get all dressed up and go out & have a good time together." "You know try and do new fun things we don't normally do together. :)"

I think the best way is to just ask her & tell her exactly how u feel without yelling or getting mad. If she's your girlfriend she will take ur feelings into consideration. there's got to be some explanation to why she doesn't want to go out clubbing & etc. with u but will do it in her hometown. Has she ever hinted at anything that be a possible reason why she doesn't go out when she visits u? Cuz all I can think of is she's not comfortable enough to to go out in ur town, she thinks u might get jealous or she's comfortable with u to not dress up & just chill with u.

[Asker]

She has an apartment ( with her brother) in my hometown where she stays 90% of the time, since she has a job here. So she is familiar, she has been here for 4 years, and went out clubbing here too with other people before she met me. I am honest and always try to tell her how i feel, but whenever i try to mention she goes out too often or something similar, she doesn't talk but goes instantly on the offensive accusing me that "I forbid her to go out", and still goes out like nothing happened. Otherwise, we have been together like once for our bachelor party, and she behaved like a stranger with me: Just sat there and kept telling me to keep distance and not to touch her, but to leave her alone to be free. I dont even want to mention dancing with me or something similar, she was colder than a friend. Also she shows like 0 affection in a public overall.

[Asker]

And how can I tell her to dress up good? She'll instantly get mad and say that I think she isn't dressing up good, and that will end bad.
Also about the hinting, when i asked her why she won't go out clubbing, she just answered: Because I hate going out to night clubs, which is contradictory to her constant going out from 10pm - 3am in her hometown, she's basically "closing" the night clubs there, every day.

[MissFabulous]

Oh okay, thanks for the details it helped. I'm going to be honest with u and I'm not trying to be mean at all but I don't think she appreciates ur feelings & opinions & doesn't respect u. I mean how she was with u at the bachelor party & how she tells u she hates clubbing but goes out anyways sounds like she feels like ur either overcrowding her (like maybe in the Bachelor party suitation) or she doesn't care to be in a relationship. From what u said about her not wanting to go out in public with u, It's like she's hiding u from the world or something. I'm not saying ur the problem at all, I think She's the problem, not u. I think the best thing is like @ArabianPwincess197 said just talk to her & if she doesn't listen then move on & find another girl. You can do way better than this current girlfriend. U deserve someone who is wants go out & have fun with u, respects your feelings & won't disrespect you. :)

[ArabianPwincess197]

Thankyou :)

[Asker]

Okay, but I was worried whether I am maybe controlling and its normal that she goes out every night, besides knowing I dont like it?
Thats what I am actually asking, am I being the wrong side here by asking her not to go out, or its she?

[MissFabulous]

No, I don't think your on the wrong for asking her to not go out. It would be different if she hardly goes out & u told her she couldn't go out at all.

@ArabianPrincess197 Your welcome. :)

[ArabianPwincess197]

It seems she has no regard for you or your opinions

[Asker]

To be honest, thats how i feel too sometimes. NO matter what i say, or even though she knows i feel bad about her going out, she still goes out without even discussing it.
What can I do?

[ArabianPwincess197]

Talk to her. If she doesn't listen find yourself a better girlfriend who appreciates you

[evenlift]

You should just break up.

She doesn't have much affection for you, clearly.

She's probably cheated too, by which I mean that she has probably at least kissed other guys.

And here's an unfortunate observation of mine: many girls who like going clubbing cheat on their boyfriends by at least kissing other guys. That is in contrast to guys who like clubbing, many of whom have very good self-control. I've seen very drunk guys reject even merely kissing very hot girls.

[Asker]

Well, no matter how much I want to trust her, indeed i am a bit insecure because she is so wanting to go out clubbing while having a boyfriend - its unexplainable for me. She keeps telling that she would never cheat and is not that type of girl ( which i honestly belive) , but on the other hand I can never be sure how she is behaving in those night clubs, I have never been with her a single time, and she might be flirting with boys or doing whatever she wants, especially when she's drunk. I just dont know what to do...
Break up with her after 2 years telling her that i hate when she goes out?

[front2back]

You're not dating a 23 year old woman, you're dating a 16 year old girl. Break-up. She isn't an adult yet and has no regard for your thoughts. My brother's ex-wife was like your current girlfriend and THAT ended catastrophically.

[WhatHappenedBaby]

I dont read such long questions but the title made me wanna say that wtf maan? Stop her

[Asker]

Stop her how? Tell her to stop going out? Thats what she's being saying, even I haven't done it a single time - that i forbid her to go out. If i do that she'll just ignore me like nothing.

[WhatHappenedBaby]

Then you must leave her

[OrdinaryGentleman]

You are what is known as a side boy.