He called me trash?

[Anonymous]

I told my boyfriend how I'd been feeling about us the past couple of weeks saying things seem different and he blew up at me which turned into a big argument. He gave me the silent treatment. I let him know that I'd like to talk things out and resolve it. He continued to ignore me. I felt extremely hurt, frustrated, confused that he was leaving me with uncertainty. I said something out of anger to catch his attention "would me saying I'll key your car finally grab your attention" It wasn't the right thing to say and I apologized profusely. I didn't say it in the context of actually doing it and the only thing I could do was apologize because I can't take it back now. :( When he decided to talk to me the next evening while we were talking he said I should be "beyond grateful that he even called me" and later called me "trash" for what I said. Telling him how I was feeling was suppose to make us stronger so we can better understand each others wants and needs. We are going to talk again tonight. I have no idea what to say because I don't want to add anymore fuel to the fire but calling me trash really hurt me. What can I say?

[Anonymous]

First understand that someone that is used as a toilet (him... by others) has to flush it or overflow.. shit runs downhill but often directed unfairly to convenient others committing tiny offenses... one must flush, same as having to pee... but where?
Once they dump on another, they either apologize when recognizing the injustice OR they revel in finding a new convenient release & superiority over an other, as they felt inferior to their own dumpers. The latter case indicates the love guage is very low or broken.
now
what to do
a) put on a show of packing to leave, you don't need to be treated this way and have a plan to actually leave for a spell with essentials
b) agree with everything, be totally submissive and suggest punishment that can easily turn sexual... spanking bare ass, then strip me nude to crawl around living room, then command me to suck, etc.
It depends on what you want to get out of it and what's in his closet, e. g. if he's hiding an affair, then a) ... if you want to dominate him, then a) ... if you want to get it all over with ASAP + sex + him talking again, then b) ... hands down

hurt by "trash"? hahahahaha more will be said on both sides, this is typical "fighting" and I judge "trash" as lethal as a paper wad thrown

[CcLynn]

Honey, you shouldn't take anyone talking to you this way. You brought a concern into the relationship that should have mattered to him. Instead of being the mature man, he got pissed and ignored you like a child. No, you should not have said what you did, but you are not trash. Don't even think about believing him. Leave his ass, because rememeber, if he thinks your trash, another man will think you are his treasure. And you deserve so much better than him.

[alicewhite]

tell him that him calling you trash hurted your feelings, and if he doesn't get his shit together that your relationship is done. stop trying to please him and his thoughts and needs. guys like this ends up hurting their girlfriend in the end..

[zShikiz]

You're in my exact same position only the gender is reversed. What I have come to realize is that there's no reasoning with ones who aren't willing. Do what I'm doing and play chaser. If he really is concerned about your feelings and wants to work things out and get a better understanding on you, let him come to you since you going to him isn't working. Eventually, he'll stop his ways and hear you out and try and make the relationship healthy again.

The whole "if I ket your car" thing is stupid. Even if my girlfriend said that, I wouldn't care cause I know she wouldn't do it. So if he took you seriously, I don't even know..

Tonight, sit and tell him you are really concerned and you have doubts that you don't want to have and would like to know what you BOTH can do to save the relationship.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response! I'm a little overwhelmed because I don't think name calling in any relationship is ok. I was stunned. He didn't take me seriously about his car, he said it was a threat and has never had anyone say something so crazy before to him. He then said people who say that are trash, uneducated, bad people. That hurt... a lot. A fight isn't just one persons fault, it takes two. I don't think anything I said deserved to be called a name like that. I really like your advice. He said he would call tonight but I don't want things to get any worse. He knows I want to talk so I'm still the chaser... how do I let him come to me by not just returning, by him feeling some sort of remorse towards my feelings? Should I ignore his call?

[zShikiz]

I wouldn't ignore his call because then he'll just be like "well, I tried. don't talk to me" or something and guilt trip you into thinking you were wrong such as the whole "I've never had anyone threaten me like that before, people who are uneducated, etc" all completely unnecessary, but it was his way of trying to get you to see it was wrong to say that.

I would answer his call and try not to counter anything he says and let him know at the very beginning you want to TALK civilized without any arguing, cutting each other off, and thoroughly listen to each others thoughts and feelings. If he starts getting angry about you expressing your concern, I'd seriously just ask him why he's getting mad about how you feel.

[OlderAndWiser]

He probably called you trash because he has an expectation that a woman who he chooses to be with would have too much class to resort to such revenge tactics. I think you already understand that. All that you can say is that you understand why he called you that name, that you also were surprised when those words came out of your mouth, and that you both have too much invested in the relationship to allow it to disintegrate into name calling and stupid threats. Promise that you will try to be a better person for the sake of saving your relationship and you hope that he will do the same.

[Asker]

I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I feel very conflicted because it was not said as a revenge tactic. I said it to grab his attention. Either way it shouldn't have been said but no man or woman should ever result to calling their significant other names let alone something so deplorable. I do not know how to approach him about the name he called me without pissing him off even more. I want to do it in the most civil way possible.

[OlderAndWiser]

Him calling you a name is morally equivalent to you threatening to do violence to his car. Try this approach.

"If I made my pride more important than our relationship, I would deny that I did anything wrong. . . but that would ultimately lead to us breaking up. I think our relationship is more important than my pride, so I am confessing that what I did was horribly wrong. I am embarrassed and I can't undo the harm that I've done, but I can ask you to forgive me."

"You calling me a name was wrong, also. I don't need for you to admit that to me but I do forgive you for the hurt that caused me. We can either stay hung up on our pride or we can try to solve our problem. I want to solve our problem; do you?"

[Asker]

Thank you for that advice. I am definitely going to use it!

[Rloco]

The only thing you can do is actually talk. Tell him you were both wrong and that you want to find the root of the problems to see if they can be worked out. Let him know you care about him and that you'll work on things if he is also willing. If he doesn't want to talk find out why. If either of you start to yell or get angry remind each other to calm down. Also you should think about if working things out is worth it to both of you. If either of you don't want to be bothered with working it out then it won't work. So ask each other is the other worth it and be honest to yourselves.