I want an open relationship but my boyfriend doesn't. What to do?

Question

My boyfriend of 3 years and I recently went through a rough patch and took a break for about a month. We got back together recently and I'm very happy about it, but during that month I learned a lot about myself and I realized that I want an open relationship. However, my boyfriend is totally against the idea. I would never in a million years cheat on him, but I really want to sleep with other guys. I want to make him happy but I also know that my feelings are important as well. I have no idea what to do or how to make these feelings go away.

Maxinquay · Accepted Answer

What to do? Well, I personally feel that a lot of the worlds problems, at the root, come back to communication. If you’re being honest and telling your partner even just feelings or thoughts that you’re having, you’re doing your part. If your partner reacts poorly to this honesty that’s ok. But thats also not your problem. That’s his/hers/theirs.

I would also say to take the advice above with a grain of salt. If the guy in question isn’t open to the type of relationship you’re curious about immediately, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should cast him aside and find someone who is. That’s reckless and very reactionary with a relationship that may already make you happy, albeit unfulfilled in the realm of a variety of sex partners.

The way I would approach this subject is with great care because it’s very important with regards to your relationship. I would first ask him if he ever thinks about “being” with other girls. And immediately reassure him that you’re just curious in a playful way. If he says yes proceed with a very innocent question if he would be interested in the two of you being with another girl together (because if either of you is uncomfortable with this arrangement then drop the subject all together). Once that arrangement and boundary is established you can then, in time, progress to the possibility of an open relationship arrangement yourself with other guys. But this takes time. And trust. If he isn’t receptive to any of this and becomes defensive then you have your answer. He isn’t open to it just yet. But you’ve planted the seed and he will most definitely think on this. A lot. And eventually he may come around and accept it. Relationships do evolve after all.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with this fashion of relationship. But it all comes back to communication and understanding each other and both of your wants/needs.

And after all of this time and patience he still isn’t into it, then you may want to weigh your pros and cons. How happy are you with him and how important is variety in your sex life?

The beauty part is, no matter what you decide, you’re right because it’s what you want. And despite what that other shit for brains said about you being essentially a “dirty diseased slut”, which is false, you are exploring your own sexuality and trying to figure out what you like.

And that is perfectly ok.

But the first step is talking about it with him and being a good communicator.

Sexualchrist · Accepted Answer

If you want to do that you should find a boyfriend who is OK with that. Most guys wouldn't be.

It's funny how your question reaffirms the results of my observations about the differences between men and women when it comes to this and how it relates back to our ape ancestors.
Take most primates for example: chimpanzee females will happily accept advances from other males but if the dominant male sees this, he will stop it. However the dominant male can mate with all the females.

Human men and women are the same. The men want all the women to themselves and the women are happy to accept anyone who qualifies as a good mate but will reject anyone else who doesn't have dominant male potential

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I'm not sure why this had to be asked. You and your boyfriend don't want the same type of relationship so you both need to be in different relationships. If this is something you really want then you need to break up. If you don't break up, your boyfriend might actually not trust you after this conversation... He might wonder if you are sleeping around even though you agreed not to.

Also, don't listen to the people calling you names. I personally don't agree with open relationships but it's your life. Tons of men post about open relationships here and I don't recall many people calling them names.

If you feel like you want to explore that lifestyle, go for it. Either find a man who is open to it (I'm sure there are dating site/apps) or just be single.
As long as you're safe, there is nothing wrong with sleeping around... Plenty of men do it all the time.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You said you would never in a million years cheat on him, girl, if you be sleeping with other guys while in a relationship with him, it is already consider as cheating. Just break up with him if you want to go whoring around. Whats the point of being in a relationship anyways when you want to share your body with other people besides your boyfriend. If you dont want to break up with him then you might as well not do what you want to do for the sake of your relationship with him. Also, whats the fun in having sex with multiple guys? It doesn't last you good for a lifetime and it is risky. You can be at risk for diseases and pregnancy.

mooky06 · Accepted Answer

What is more important to you.. Your boyfriend? Or sleeping around with other men? If you find yourself leaning more to one side then the other then that is something you should be focusing on.

BrittBratt2416 · Accepted Answer

Simple, break up with him.. you obviously want to be single and see other people.

JustAGuy486 · Answer

I stumbled across this while looking for advice for myself and, although it's an old topic, I wanted to share. First, ignore these people being assholes. won't the world be nice when everyone walks out of this cloud of sexual closed mindedness? That aside...

I am in a eerily similar boat. I want to try polyamory and my wife desperately does not. I am bisexual, and she does not care if I sleep with other guys, but becomes outraged at the mere thought of me being eith another woman. When we met, both of us agreed that monogamy was not a path we wanted, but as we grew closer together she lost interest and became very vanilla. (I dont say that in a derogatory sense.) I enjoy flirting, I enjoy bonding, and intimacy. I do not tie sex with commitment. My wife is free to sleep with whomever she pleases (not that she wants to) as long as she is smart and safe about it. I, however, am not granted that same freedom. It's extremely difficult as I feel polyamory would be an ideal lifestyle for me. I will not cheat on her. And before anyone says anything about the term cheating, it refers to lying. Educate yourself before speaking and look up ethical non monogamy. Idiots.

You have a choice to make, is the relationship more important than your sexual freedom? I personally have decided that my wife is more important than my desires. It's a huge sacrifice on my part, but relationships come with a cost. I hope you have found all that you're looking for and wish you nothing but the best.

WalterRadio · Answer

It is very simple: You are not sexually compatible at this point in your life.

What you should do is also simple: Break up with him and sleep with guys as you like.

In a few years, you will probably decide on one guy, but if not, you need to make sure you are with a guy who is polyamorous too.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's hot!
You are a good girlfriend for being honest with him and not going behind his back to cheat. It isn't cheating if you can get him to agree to it.
If he doesn't want an open relationship, just tell him that only you would sleep with other guys and he can stay faithful. That is better. As long as you don't have any repeats and don't do it with people you know like coworkers or friends, then it will work just fine.

Some people will think you are a slut, and they are right. It is really hot and sexy though. I wish it was easier to find a woman like you for a relationship that would enjoy sleeping with other guys. That is sooo sexy. I want to marry a girl someday that will do that.

HeWhoPonders · Answer

Let me put the 2s and 2s of this situation together:

If he agrees to this open relationship thing: you will sleep with other guys and slowly lose respect for him... then break up with him.

If he doesn't agree to this open relationship thing: you will cheat on him anyway, catch feelings for the guy you cheated with... then break up with him.

Either way, unless you break up with him RIGHT NOW, you'll have already fucked him over.

btbc92 · Answer

He is against it. Therefore an open relationship is out of the question. You want another person so badly because you insecure, and don't want to be alone. That's why. In the end you have two choices: Let go of the idea of an open relationship or break up. One or the other.

Peskyn3gr0 · Answer

Get ready for all the GAG conservatives to jump down your throat and call you a "slut" (or some other variation)

TaureanBull81 · Answer

Tell him you need an open relationship for your needs to be met and for the longevity of the relationship to survive. Let your boyfriend know that he can have sex with other women too since you'll be sleeping with other guys 😉

If your boyfriend can't agree then end the relationship and go find a new guy who wants an open relationship too 😉

Good luck and may the force be with you 😆

Jan1ssary_ · Answer

Lol you won't cheat on him but at the same time you want to sleep with other guys .. Where's the fuckin logic in this? If you sleep with other guys it means cheating, I don't know about your boyfriend but If I hear anything like that from my girlfriend I'd dump her at the moment she said, I wouldn't care any less if she was just sharing this idea with me. It shows that you are a bitch and you want other guys to be top of you.

RachelBrigs · Answer

You should probably find someone who wants an open relationship

Kioharu · Answer

Maaaaayyyybe suggest a threesome first with someone youd both be willing to be with? Dip his toes in the water of adventure a bit. It can seem like a scary leap at first. Try to be progressive? Threesome with a girl, then swing with another couple and switch partners, then individual dates for each of you. Make sure to mention that you love him and he's enough for you but youve been cuious about having new experiences with him...

Bandit74 · Answer

You should probably break up. He's never going to happy with you sleeping with other men and you won't be happy if you are stuck only having sex with him. Breaking up is better than cheating on him.

Shaft50 · Answer

Well, you can't make him want that... both parties need to be cool with it for it to work...

rgb008 · Answer

Break up. If you two can't agree on terms for your relationship it's not gonna work out in the long run.

YaBaba · Answer

then break up and go do your thing. Leave the boyfriend alone

PondyPand · Answer

Either decide you don't want an open relationship or leave. What else?

Sunflower19 · Answer

Lol just be single. Open relationships are pointless.

Curlybeauty17 · Answer

Break up. There is no compromise here. Do him the favor of respecting him enough to leave before you sleep with other men.

Noxifer626 · Answer

I think you have to break up with your boyfriend and maybe look for another one.

dudegrt09 · Answer

Either cheat on him or break up... no guy with self respect would agree to that

Anonymous · Answer

I just don't get millennial women. God, please bring back older generations of women *prays

babeeeone · Answer

Just leave him and go about your business

10dsw · Answer

Haha this is why I don't take chicks seriously =P

Dred1614returns · Answer

Leave him and find a guy that tolerates it.

TheFlak38 · Answer

Then people complain about slut shaming.

Whaaaaa · Answer

Oh for fuck's sake

Finalphilosophy · Answer

Is he superstar?

I want an open relationship but my boyfriend doesn't. What to do?

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