How can I get my boyfriend to open up?

[Anonymous]

I love him a lot. We seem to have a lot in common but then there are things that we don't seem to vibe well with. Like I feel like I am too open and he's not open enough especially sexually unless he's drunk. He's a totally different person drunk and I hate to say this but I prefer the drunk him a bit. He's way more expressive and communicates his feelings well when drunk.

I've tried getting him to open up sober but it's like talking to a brick wall. I feel I have to be so guarded when talking to him sober and a relationship shouldn't be like that.

How do I get him to open up more sober? Or can I even get him to open up more sober?

[lightbulb27]

I'd say practice. he doesn't feel safe, secure, comforatble being vulnerable. That happens to guys/personalities that are often more sensitive (read highly sensitive people) and being guys, they get abused. So they shut down and harden... makes for better soldiers when the wars come. Makes for tough makes for girlfriends.

So you can try some techinqies.

* Sitting beside him shoulder to shoulder to talk (more comfortable for males) and giving him soemthing to play with in his hands... distraction

* get hygee cards or a book to facilitate talking/questions

* Have him watch videos of men or books for how to relate to women.

* Have him write feelings then talk about them.

* Have him observe his feelings, especially in challenging places. identify feelings, what those feelings relate to in earlier life. Have him talk about his early life experiences and how they felt.

Therapy... but that is a long hard path probably.. since he doesn't think there is a problem. Have him do some time with other men in a mens group to open up, but also hard. Nothing is easy. Reality is, he has to

He has to feel secure else not going to do it.

hard work for lot of guys. I know guys that couldn't identify a feeling.

good luck.

[Asker]

Thanks for this! I agree wholeheartedly. It's not going to be easy. But I will follow all of these tips!

[tzdc21]

Just keep in mind, he's in a different situation than you are in. As a man, he lives in a world where he is critiqued and judged for even showing any sort of an emotional side. It's deemed as "weak" in the eyes of a lot of people. It sucks and it's stupid, but that is the world we live in unfortunately. Every man had heard that statement at least once in their lives. It seems to me that he is keeping that in mind when he's not drunk, so you're gonna have to be patient with him if you wanna break down that wall. And don't press him because that'll make him even more uncomfortable and make the situation even worse. But always ensure that when he is ready, that he will be safe when doing it because he would be doing it with you.

[Asker]

Thanks for this. That definitely gave me a better understanding. I will definitely do just that when he is ready.

[tzdc21]

Don't mention it. And even before he's ready, just keep assuring him that when he is, he will be safe with you.

[Asker]

Ok will do!

[Zarapeachy]

Find out why he is guarded. Like what stops him from being open to you. And from there, you can move forward. Be empathetic. Forget what you want for the while and work with where he is at so he won’t feel pressured or put up resistance

[Asker]

Okay. Thank you! That was very helpful!

[biabyblue9]

express yourself, have you told him about this?
tell him in a way that he can trust you and he can be himself. something like that

[Asker]

Yes I have and it goes no where.

[biabyblue9]

i have an idea, you can go to couple therapy

[Asker]

I would consider that if we weren't long distance

[biabyblue9]

then, that explains everything, you could check out online therapy

[FilmGuy93]

Ask questions, don't be pushy. Let the man open up when it feels natural to.

[Asker]

Okay

[Gingerbread_GB]

If he's willing to do certain things drunk, that means deep down he enjoy them. Men put up walls around them (and women too) mainly to make themselves feel safer. Basically he doesn't feel comfortable expressing his deepest feelings and desires with you yet, and that's the tricky part, it could be because of many reasons.

Maybe his culture or parents taught him that way growing up; maybe some past traumatic events made him that way; maybe it's something you presented that made him uncomfortable. That's something you have to figure out living with him if you want him to ever open up more. Once you figure out what it is, you can start by assuring that whatever he's concerned about doesn't bother you. Again it all comes down to the details.

[AliSulayman]

Most men are like that. My girlfriend had the same complaint about me. She’d intentionally get me drunk to open up. Once I felt safe around her and started opening up to her without “alcohol” she got colder with me, and the more I was sharing, the less she was interested!
Women love the mystery! Once it’s gone, their interest go with it. So my opinion is that he learned his lesson from past, and he wants to keep you.

[Asker]

Okay but I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't lose interest as he opened up more to me. I'm sorry that happened to you though.

[AliSulayman]

I’m sorry but believe me you will. It’s unintentional. You won't intend to do so, but you’ll find yourself losing interest in him by time without finding a reason. Then you’ll search for reasons and end up creating arguments and try to evaluate him on many levels and search for the worse in everything till you are not interested in him anymore.
This is my third long relationship and it happened in all of them and all ended because of that.

[Asker]

Maybe I'm the exception because I don't believe I could do that to him ever. He's been through too much for me to ever do that to him.

[AliSulayman]

I wish so, there is nothing better in life than being with someone whom you feel safe with and share everything with and open up to eachother and live as if you are both the only people left on the planet and create your own hypothetical island together.
My soon to be ex says what you just say, she keeps apologizing for being cold with me and says she can’t find an explanation and that I’ve done for her what no one ever did to her and that she thinks I’m the one and she’ll never find better than me and that she’s welling to do anything to be with me and make things work. But as I said it’s an unconscious thing that’s why she fails to change the situation or even know the origin of when and how it all started.

[Anonymous]

This is a cliche. we aren't as open because it does not serve our lives to be so. We are different. You be open, we continue being closed because we are different. You may not realize this but that's what attracts you to him. You enjoy the drunk version due to the novelty. if he was always that way you wouldn't like it. go9 look up stoicism and you might understand more.

[FreyaRed]

Gain his trust. Being open will be never unilateral

[AaronKrieger]

Why do you feel like you have to be guarded when talking to him sober?

[Luckycharms12]

Express yourself you like to. Other if he like me just need time to feel comfortable and will happen slowly

[Asker]

Okay thanks! I will try to do that.

[Luckycharms12]

No prob

[Anonymous]

He may think of him opening up in a drunken state is embarrassing himself.

Therr are many other reasons as well.

[mommymommymommy]

When are you trying to do it, when he's sober. Often times, she's picking the wrong time do it

[Anonymous]

you could start by cutting your tongue out of your mouth then sewing your lips shut so no one has to listen to you speak again. then you could fry your tongue and ram it up your ass

[Opinion Owner]

or better yet you could light up your needle again and shoot up your heroine and overdose yourself again and when you do make sure you die this time

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat

[horndog112]

Peg him