That is something you should have thought about BEFORE you ended up having sex with him. If you can't get over his past, then what is stopping you from leaving? Unlike with marriage, you can easily walk out. But do you want to? Most likely you don't. Because you have been so focused on having sex with him instead of figuring out your values sexually. You asked how can you get over his sexual past. But think about this for a moment. If this relationship was over right now and somebody else comes along asked you how many partners YOU had, how are you going to deal with it if he walks out? You just do. This is why it is a sin to do it outside of marriage. Yes, the bond does weaker with each partner. Yes, it can and will effect you and him as a whole. Yes, you do become ONE with them in body and spirit along with all his other 10 partners. You ingrained part of their personality into YOU. This is why you talk about these things beforehand. Any concerns you may have, you get it out of the way first. Because it's risky. And you've already taken that risk.
In truth, you both are accountable sexually for everything you do. If you're that upset, you need to just be honest with yourself. Because you can't blame this on his past but you chose to get into this relationship and sleep with him knowing this. Everybody's views on sex and when it should be done is not the same. But studies have proven that if you didn't wait for marriage to have sex, then the chance and rate of you getting a divorce is high. It doesn't mean people can't change, but they would have to want to change including yourself. Or else both of you are going to suffer.
what kind of questions are you asking yourself?
why are you asking those questions? Is it out of fear that he might cheat on you or love you less than someone he has slept with before you? Or is that he is still might be in love with another one of his exes or is it because he might see sex as less valuable than you see it? you need to discuss these issues with yourself and come to terms with it.
For me it was the fact that he was "bragging" about it, and he kind of was very arrogant about the fact that he has slept with others before me. This showed a very narcissistic attitude that I have to deal with to this day. Where as if he did something wrong his attitude would be "so what? So I am not perfect, get over it. You married me so deal with it. I don't care, why do you care so much" and when he makes me angry instead of buying chocolates and flowers to make up for it, he only gets a million times more angry, and then he goes and breaks all my valuables and spends hundreds of dollars to make him feel happy that I was angry at him. If that's the reason, that he is sleeping with so many so that he feels more "powerful" and "better than you" and he feels he has more rights as a human than you do to be angry and you have no rights to have feelings but to die if you feel angry that he made you upset, then yah, you have the right to run. or to think, can you deal with this shit?
Agreed completely. Personally I don't ask girls about their number of partners. I'd honestly rather not know.
I find it to be a big turnoff when a girl starts boasting about her sexual past, puts it out there, and acts like a sex object.
I once had a date volunteer her whole sexual history me on a first date and I have never been so uncomfortable. Like she bragged about how she gets around, how her number is so high, how her and her ex are sex addicts, how she had sex with him 2 days prior, how he cummed inside her, how she fucked 2 guys with the same name as the bus boy who walked by. I was just thinking Jesus fucking Christ, what is going through your head as you tell me this shit. Especially on the first date.
Oh and last week I had a date with a girl who told me about how she had an abortion in the past and how once she got caught by a train while she was going home to take a pregnancy test and then had her period when the train stopped.
While I'm 100% pro choice, I don't need to hear about you having an abortion or pregnancy test, especially on the 1st date, unless I'm the reason you're possibly pregnant.
@bloodmountain1990 wow, people these days. It's almost like they are bragging to you that they are like that, as if you would be jealous of them or that you would value them more if they have had so much sexual experience... but in reality we only respect people who have morals and know how to treat others right. We don't respect arrogant, bragging sex addicts who just looks like they only care about sex.
Luckily, most are not like that. But yeah I agree, they're thinking oh I bet this guy/girl is gonna think it's sexy or get turned on when I blurt out all these details when in fact it does the opposite. And some of them think you're just jealous or a slut shaming misogynist if you get turned off don't by that discussion.
It's like no, you can tell me you're clean and what you like sexually without telling me who you've done what with and how many. There's a fine line between being sexually active, confident, etc and straight up acting like a sex object. That goes for both guys and girls though. I have stories from my past that I'd never bring up to someone I was trying to date.
@bloodmountain1990 thank goodness you learned that! because obviously the guy I lost it too didn't learn that, and he went on and on about his ex as if he was a great thing... as if it was admirable!
and yes, he thought I was jealous the whole entire time. No I wasn't jealous, I was disgusted that all he had with his ex was sex and drugs and that was so SHALLOW and so not what I wanted for my love life, but I stuck with him thinking that he would change or there was something there that I was missing but I didn't miss anything... he is just a shallow pig... only cares about sex, drugs, money and video games.
I just think those conversations don't end well period and there's nothing to gain from it. Even if a person is just wanting sex or something casual whether it's a fling or one night stand, the number of partners talk or the last time you had sex is unnecessary to bring up.
@bloodmountain1990 Those dates though? BWAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I'd be out the door with a fake sickness SO fast.
@MrMysteryMan Yeah I just don't know why they'd bring that up.
Like that's the kinda talk you have with friends, not someone you're trying to date.
@bloodmountain1990 No kidding. Bring your ugliness out when you know the person better than a, "You look different than your profile, but it's nice to meet you. By the way, can we ease up on the spicy food tonight, I'm recovering from a miscarriage that I just experienced last night and I don't think I can handle the heat. Thaaannnksss."
@MrMysteryMan I don't care to hear about their sexual past at any period. I just let the past stay where it's at, the past.
Did he know that he will meet you one day while he had 10 sexual partners?
Exactly NO !!
So why would you have a problem with it, things are not predictable for a reason, and everything happens for a reason, if you guys are happy together now why would you get bothered because of his past?
I am sure he would change everything if he had the possibility to, but guess what, HE CANNOT, and you should forget what he did, and focus on priorities.
Don't stress yourself about this, it honestly should not matter, my man had also a lot of sexual partners but I don't really mind because now he has ME and only Me and he focuses on US and on our FUTURE together so why would i even blame him?
Good luck, and relax <3
i don't judge; the past is the past, and you are his present (possibly future).
sex does create a deep bond between people... in the right relationship. oftentimes, it's purely animalistic and there's no love at all between the people involved; my boyfriend and i were in our late 20s/early 30s when we met, and we'd both been with several others. but it didn't make our first time together any less special, and our sex life has not suffered one iota.
as long as your guy is faithful to you and is not sleeping with other women now (assuming you've agreed to be monogamous/be only with each other), there's nothing to worry about.
rule of three? ask a man how many partners he has been with, divide by 3 and you come close to the correct number. (works for girls by trippling numbers).
Seriously, he hasn't been with that number of girls while the two of you were have a relationship, has he? Has he been truthful, gentle and a nice guy to you? Do you enjoy him being around you?
These questions are all that counts. If he is a nice guys, you enjoy having around you, then is is very likely other girls thought so, too. Important is not how "experienced" he is, where the plain number doesn't tell shit, important is how he treats you.
My "count" is high, very high, there have been virgins who have turned out to be suprisingly kinky, there have been women with "spicy" reputation. who were boring.
Best thing about it, sexuality is discovered anew with every different partner. The one thing you do, one girl adores you for, the other girl dislikes it, but has other things she enjoys very much. No human being comes with an operators manual. Especially women commonly know, there are no certian "buttons" a man needs to press or rub or lick or whatever and "off she goes..."
The discovery is not "what is liked in sex", but "what is liked by this specific partner".
less worries, more joy ;)
@Brah63926 I don't get that though. Triple the number he's been with and divide by three to get what exactly? ?
From a relationship coaching lens, a lot of research has been done to answer the last comment you made: The more people you bond with in that way, the less you can bond with, cherish, and love your future wife. It used to be that this was the train of thought but not anymore and here's why. This made more sense when people had different ideas about sex, gender roles, sex before marriage, and other traditional values. But, times have changed, people (men and women) have changed, and so have our views and values around sex. There are no recent studies that show empirical data supporting this theory anymore.
Now, clearly if someone (men or women) has been with 100 women by age 30, there may be an issue but it won't have anything to do with loving a future spouse more or less. It would have something to do with an overactive libido and questions of being able to settle down in general.
Opinion
31Opinion
u If you read somewhere that sex is a great outlet for frustration and anxiety and you should have as many partners as possible, would you believe that?
It doesn't matter what anyone has said on this subject in general. What matters is your boyfriend's attitude about your sexual activities and how well you feel bonded with him. If you aren't ready to trust your own judgment on those issues, then perhaps you aren't ready to have a committed relationship.
Sex doesn't make you a better or worse person. As long as he doesn't have STDs there's no real reason to be upset. I'd focus less on how to change how you feel about his sexual history and more on how to gain confidence in yourself. I used to get very sad about sexual history as well, I still can't stand an ex of my s. o, but the more confidence I have in my self worth the less I feel I need my man to prove my worth to me. The past is the past. Him saying sorry for doing something before he knew you is sort of illogical. Just focus on the now, and what you can control, like having an open communication and healthy relationship
I'm gonna give you the best advice out of anyone here. Sex and the past mean different things to different people. For some, it means nothing, for others, it's an important resume. YOU have your values, whatever it may be based on, religion, life, hell maybe even watching a few too many romantic Disney movies. The point is, it doesn't matter, YOU determine what your standards are. Not anyone here. That's not their place to tell you what you should think about his past, that's up to you to determine. If it's too much for you to handle, that's perfectly fine, break up, but it's generally a good idea to be straight and polite about it. Just make sure you're prepared for the consequences these standards might bring, cause they have a way of acting like romantic dating filters.
I appreciate your elaborate response. I know it's different for everyone and that's why it makes me sad cause I think each or some of those girls meant a lot to him. Maybe I don't need to worry cause he tells me he's lucky to have me. Also, I just don't understand what you mean by the consequences these standards might bring.
Having high romantic standards mean you alienate certain people because they do not fulfill the criteria
We live in a highly sexual society, if 10 is too much for you, thats a good amount of people crossed off.
Being 27 and having slept with 10 women, including you is not a lot. I'm assuming you knew "his number" before your slept with him and it didn't seem to stop you.
His sexual past is exactly that. It's his past. You are who he is with now, and from what it sounds like, part of his future. Focus on that.. you can't change the past.
I have a friend 45 yro man who had sex with the women of all states of India except Kashmir before marriage. From Tamil girls to yadav girls. He's married at 27 and have 2 kids. He love his wife and kids too much. His wife is an Orthodox one and she never gives a bj or try anything else than missionary position. But he's a good husband and a good father. He still picks up women and have sex with them. But he loves only his wife. Man or woman; you can't turn a hoe into a monogamous person. But they can be good fathers and mothers when they feel like they're losing their magic. 😂😂
I disagree that the more people he has the less special it is to him. Maybe random sex is not special to him. My boyfriend has had slightly more than your guy and I've only had 2. Sure, he's got a lot in quantity, but what about quality? I'm definitely not asking him about that, but I'm going to believe that I'm the highest quality considering he's with me and talks about marriage and orgasms like 5 times in a given session (Or, he has a problem, I don't know how that works).
My point is, every guys is going to have a past, you can only control your current situation with him. Be a high quality woman and keep yourself happy and I don't think he'll be thinking too much of his past. Don't think of competing with the past women, just treat yourself like your the prize (I don't mean act like you're better than everybody, just have respect for yourself).
finally a girl who understands the sex thing. thank God you are not like that girl who wants a man who has had sex with 100 women and will stop having sex with any other girl after her. (she says she is a virgin lol).
thank you for understanding simple things in life. if you love the guy , then give it a shot. 10 sexual partners is high but manageable.
your welcome.
"The more people you bond with in that way, the less you can bond with, cherish, and love your future wife."
Really?
You probably must be living in fairytaleland because there isn't any shred of evidence from studies that support it.
At age 27, he has bedded only 10 women. That's a small number compared to many guys of his age who have bedded 50+ women.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Don't ask questions that you don't wanna know the answers to. No good comes from it.
I never ask a girl I've been with how many dudes she's slept with and honestly I don't wanna know. Regardless of her number, it's not like I wanna think about the times she's had sex with other people. And it's not out of jealousy. I just don't wanna hear about past sexual encounters just like how I don't wanna hear about ex's.
All that matters is she's clean, doesn't have a kid and doesn't cheat.
If anything, I find it weird when a girl or guy even starts ranting about their sexual past and partners, especially on a first date. I've had girls do that or even mention how they've had abortions or took a pregnancy test at a point. It's like what is possessing you to tell me this?
I'm 100% pro choice but abortions and taking pregnancy tests are info that should be kept between the two potential parents involved.
It's not much at all and doesn't mean anything. It doesn't matter with how many people he slept with before he was with you
No it doesn't, the last 9 women are just past , and the past is the past haha
no really, it doesn't matter, he is now with you and for me it's not like that you have a special bond just because of sex.
Sex is just an act, i separate sex from love and you bond with someone beacuse of love not sex
1) there was no reason for you to ever talk about it.
2) It has nothing to do with you
3) It doesn't impact your relationship at all
4) you can't change it
so either you love this person and realize it has no bearing on your relationship at all. not one tiny bit. Or, you harp on something that is just insanely silly and you break up. Your choice.
Yeah 10 would be too many for me, I'd want the girl I marry to have as few past sexual partners as possible. I agree with you about it creating a bond and if he's been with 9 other girls the mysteriousness of it may be gone. Then again if he truly loves you then he may think the sex he has with you is better than with any of those other girls. Maybe just talk to him and tell him how you feel.
When I was 27, I had 10 sexual partners that year alone.
You're insecure. Don't go around projecting your problems everywhere. Go work on your insecurity. If you don't then it doesn't matter if you find a guy with a low body count, you'll come up with some other shit to feel miserable about and sabotage your happiness anyway.
@Summerglo Wow you're an idiot. The average number of sexual partners for straight people is 5-7, depending on how much you estimate people lie.
@Ratiocinative You must not have any brain cells left if you think that the average number of sex partners is that low considering the popularity of tinder and the number of people who go to bars and clubs every weekend to get an easy fuck. Do you research moron.
@Ratiocinative Oh, and if you're relying on some survey where people claim to have 5 to 7 partners, then you must truly be a 70 IQ moron. Like seriously.
@Summerglo You're right. Why would I get my data from something stupid like a scientifically conducted research study when I could just have you pull a made up number out your ass?
Well what you said is true, however it seems to affect males slightly less severly then it does women (not that its a good thing to do it). So I would ask the question of what kind of relationships these where, who broke up with whom, is there any red flags in the relationship to date etc.
I think that's bullshit. If you're gonna let his past get in the way of your future then you're not ready to marry him. Does he love you? Do you feel he doesn't cherish you now as his girlfriend? I myself have had a lot of sexual partners more so when I was a teen. But it doesn't stop me from being passionate and having a great sexual and emotional bond with each other. You shouldn't let the past control your future. He picked you.
I don't believe that last bit you wrote. I feel that having sex, regardless of how many partners, opens up how you feel about your body. What you like and what you don't like. He is with you and only you and is experiencing all those things with you. It's not taking away anything
"Sex creates a mysterious, deep bond. The more you bond with others the less you can so to say bond with your wife"
I hope you seriously take a second to acknowledge the extent to which such belligerent propaganda has matriculated into your brain.
"sex is mysterious and creates a deep bond between people. The more people you bond with in that way, the less you can bond with, cherish, and love your future wife."
I never thought of that. Hmmm... It is his past, you know. He may remember some of those girls, doesn't mean he still loves them...
And you must understand, some of the girls may have just been one night stands, which is not good, but oh well... lol
To me, that's many. I can accept 3 past sexual partners at the most, excluding me, for a 27-year-old guy... and that's an implication of his character. For example, is he a player? Does he get bored often and need a new partner?
However, I don't know, and haven't heard about bonding less with more sexual partners, but it makes sense. Since sex is pretty intimate (for majority of people), if a guy can "easily" have slept with 10 girls by that age, again, I could re-evaluate his character... but only you've known him, so you know the answer.
And evaluate your relationship. How is your interaction with each other? Is he affectionate to you? Does he show that he loves you? Affection increases bonding, and so does sex, so expression and signs of affection and passion are important.
10 is absolutely nothing at that age! I went out with a guy who had been with close to 100 women at that age, now that is something to cringe at! it took me a long time to get over his past, and looking back this is what I wish someone had told me..
If you love him, embrace his past and his knowledge of the female body, he's with you at this very moment in time, and no one else matters (past or future). x
Why are you so worried? If you keep on going like this it could possibly ruin your relationship. I am 33 years old and have had sex with 11 women, done sexual things with 2 but not sex. Does it me I love my girlfriend any less no. She means everything to me. Yes I heave had sex with my girlfriend. What I am saying is stop worrying about his past especially if he has not done anything major that is illegal.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Think about highschoolers now. They have 10+ partners before they are even 18!
The past is the past. Bonding with a mate involves far more than the sex you have with them. Focus on the here and now or you'll never get the opportunity to bond.
You don't. It's none of your concern. And where ever you heard all that bullshit it's just that.
There are many WAY bigger concerns to consider. For one thing, DATE him. Spend time together BEFORE you jump in the sack. And discern whether it's a match or not. Get some commitment BEFORE you have sex with him. Make sure he's worth investing any more of your time and effort into.
"The more people you bond with in that way, the less you can bond with, cherish, and love your future wife"...
Okay firstly: no. Secondly you're 20 and you're very very insecure. Why ask a question you didn't like the answer to? You're projecting your own insecurities onto this issue. You're clearly not ready for a relationship and you're not ready for him. Break up with him, he honestly doesn't deserve this kind of judgement from you.
It's just one of those things. I've never asked my man how many women he's been with because I simply don't care. All I wanted to know is that he was clean and ready for a relationship with me. He is the only guy I've been with sexually. I love the bond we have and when he looks at me I can tell how much he cares about me. I don't let my mind wander and think about his past relationships because he's with me.
A lot of partners is a lot of baggage, which everyone has, but it depends on how he handled it. If he thinks only about you, then you are good. If he has pictures of his exes to jerk off to, that's something else. What do you two talk about when you are together?
Bruh, I can't get past that lady's hair in the photo.
Uhm, I don't think 10 at his age is weird. And if you two are trying to work on something long term, it won't matter about the past.
What you just described applies more to women than men, we aren't the same. It takes a lot more for a man to lose the ability to bond than it does a woman. Of course, if a man sleeps around enough then eventually he will end up the same way.
By realizing that the past is the past and NOTHING can change it so why think about it and/or worry? Even if your boyfriend wanted to change it he couldn't so you just have to accept that it's over and done with and move on.
You are asking this question because you think he is not good enough. That's the truth. The best solution is to leave. There is always someone better out there.
You can also lead him on until you find someone better or treat him like shit while he belongs to you.
I date non virgins and I proudly treat them like shit because they are not good enough. I try to be the worst boyfriend they ever had. If I can't be your first, I'm going to be your worst.
Stupid girls voting me down. At least I'm honest about how I feel unlike most guys here on this website. No political correctness and fakery. If I can't be your first, I'm going to be your worst.
I dont think thats too horrid. My current boyfriend is 21 and had more partners that, meanwhile he was my first and it rarely bothers me.
it wouldn't bother me, as long as he's clean.. see i'm virgin and when I find the guy i want to give myself too, I want him to know what he's doing so if that means having sex with 10 women to figure out his moves out, so be it, as long as he knows what to do with my body.
What about you knowing or not what to do with his body
@MysteriousDarkness most guy i've asked or heard from says it excites them to be in charge and kind of "show her the ropes", so... and if I find a man who doesn't like to be in control then I guess im not the one for him.
Oh lord stop that. Past is the past leave it there. If he has been with 9 other women and still chooses to be with you then that should be enough.
Its more like the more you fuck around before settling down the less you want to cheat while settled down.
i'd think about it, i'm pretty sure if the situations were swapped he'd have second thoughts. its okay to be critical.
What you said is a lie. The only problem I see is that he has nine women to compare you with, and probably he enjoyed sex more than with you with at least one of them.
Well do you like the sex he gives you? I'm sure he hasn't experience all the extra stuff yet.
"How do I get over my boyfriend's sexual past"?
By growing up.
hmm if his past is really gonna haunt you then end things
He better finds himself a better woman, who will accept every piece of him.
So you don't have a deep bonding with him? Dump him already.
To be honest that's not a lot of sex partners at all.. I don't know what you're worrying about.
never ask how many people someone has been with. nothing good will come of it.
that may seem like a lot to you and if you believe that he won't love you enough it's up to you to decide what to do about that.
I'm dating a 37 year old that has had over 150 sex partners... Does it bother me? Yes. However, if he's in a relationship with you, it appears that he has grown from that wild, immature mindset.
If you don't like it, do not be with him. You don't have to accept it if you aren't comfortable.
You don't! First of all, you don't ask! Just don't! You don't ask and he doesn't brag about it! Most important is to know about stds and protection, than the number of people he's been with!
Agreed or if they're cheating or have a kid from a previous relationship. Those are things that affect the present/future. I mean no one would necessarily to hear that their partner is promiscuous but even if their partner had a low count, why anyone would want to think about times their partner had sex with other people is beyond me.
And it's not out of jealousy or possessiveness but it's just like hearing your partner constantly talk about an ex whether it's praising or trashing them.
@bloodmountain1990 agree!
I think this is the best reason not to have the discussion about numbers lmao
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tpQqH4H_SUQ
Get over it. How many sexual partners have you had? Maybe you just need to catch up to him- so go fuck a couple of guys.
10 people in 27 years is very low.
Only when you are having more one night standstand and less relationships
@realperson02 I was over 10 before I was 20, but had a 2 year relationship with the first, and several 3 to 6 month relationships following.
yeah that might be a possibility but it seems like you were too involved in keeping the relationship going after the first relationship.
* not too involved
@realperson02 for sure I was a serial monogamist.
That's pretty low for a guy.
@Brah63926 I know this old guy who slept with 50 chicks but he was a marine in the 80s
Here dump him and find yourself better person
I don't think that's bad for a guy.
Yeah, that would bother me too. A lot...
I wouldn't stay with him such a sk*nk
Break up with him
Really why so few?
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