Is it bad that I resent my overly privileged bf?

[Anonymous]

He grew up with a family with a lot of money and definitely more of an income than mine did. I wasn't poor growing up but my parents still struggled to help give me and my sister the best life. Meanwhile for him his family was/is always vacationing and they buy him nice things still. We are both in college now and now I have to earn my own money when his family still provides him 100%. I mean if I am struggling my parents will help me a little but I am not given an unlimited amount of money like he is. He also has a nice car and nice apartment and doesn't work for any of it. Is it bad that I resent him for it? Not for the money and items themselves but for the fact that I have to work to have what I have and he is just given nice things by his rich parents?

[samhradh_leannan]

The bottom line is that resentment is very unhealthy in a relationship. It's understandable that you feel frustrated seeing someone else have more privileges and an easier time just because of what their family is able to give them. That's a very natural feeling. But you are also lucky that you have amazing parents who love you and give you everything they can, so try to focus on that. At the end of the day you have to choose what to let go of: your resentment, or your boyfriend.

[Asker]

I agree it is. It really just frustrates me because he doesn't seem to understand that other people (including myself) have to work for what we have and mom and dad can't provide everyone with luxury. I am very grateful for my parents but I feel like in this relationship this is becoming a problem cause he doesn't seem to understand that there are people out there who work for everything they own.

[samhradh_leannan]

Do you resent his privilege, or do you resent the worldview that it has given him? Those seem like two different things. Can you talk to him about it? Or tell him that it worries you that he doesn't understand what life is like for you?

[Asker]

I resent the privilege because of the worldview it has provided him. I can talk about it but my only concern is how to go about it. I don't want it to come off as it looking like I'm just whining about how he has so much more than me and I'm just jealous or something. Plus he's kinda going through stuff with depression so i try to be sensitive with him.

[samhradh_leannan]

I guess you just have to find tactful ways to say things at the moments when they are relevant. Or you could sit down with him at a neutral time and have a tactful discussion about your concerns. It's nice to try to be sensitive to him since he is going through a rough time, but that doesn't mean he is exempt from being a good partner to you as well. This goes both ways.

[samhradh_leannan]

Just ignore NerdInDenial. This is not a court room. We don't demand evidence before we offer advice. If we did, this site would be set up very differently. There will always be people out there who have it worse than you do. That does NOT mean that you are not allowed to care about your problems. What are we supposed to do, never care about our own lives or try to improve our situations just because we know there are people out there who are worse off? That's nonsense.

[Chanel1981]

That's just the way the world works. If you truly resent this it's best to part ways. He can't help his situation any more than you can help yours

[Asker]

I'm not going to break up with him cause of it. And it really isn't how the world works when you can do something about it. I was asking advice on how I could handle my resentment in this question, that is all.

[Chanel1981]

So you're saying people can help what they were born into?

[Chanel1981]

Go to counseling

[Asker]

Woah there I wasn't trying to escalate to anything. Why do I need counseling? And for your information I'm already getting it. I'm just trying to understand what you meant in your answer. I'm not saying he can't help his situation I'm asking how I can handle my resentment. My response wasn't meant to cause any harm.

[Chanel1981]

I wasn't trying to be mean I'm just saying if you resent others for having more than you do counseling is a good idea.

[Asker]

Oh ok sorry, I thought you meant go to counseling because of my response to your answer. I am in counseling though, not because of this situation but to help me with my anxiety. It's not so much I resent that he has more than me it's that I resent that he is more privileged and I now have to work for things while he is just given them.

[Chanel1981]

No worries, just a misunderstanding :) if you're already in counseling its a good idea to bring this up so they can help you work past it. There are lots of people in the world who are handed things without having to work, it's just part of life but it's worth working through the resentment so you're happier

[Alessus]

I'd say it's worrying that you think that way. He couldn't choose which family he was born into and if his parents want to fund him without requiring anything, why would he not accept that? I think you should break up with him and date someone from closer to your economic background instead, because long time resentment, especially for something the he has no control over, isn't something that is in a healthy relationship and his familys wealth probably isn't going to disappear.

[Asker]

I get it, it's not his fault. It's just frustrating that he doesn't see why i stress about finances so much when he has never been in my shoes.

[NerdInDenial]

This is not looking good

[Asker]

Which part about it isn't looking good?

[NerdInDenial]

Your resentment; pretty soon, you're going to say he doesn't deserve money...

[Asker]

I don't feel that he doesn't deserve money that is not where i was going. Like I said in the question, I resent that I have to work for what I have when he is just given things. He doesn't understand what it means to work for what you have.

[NerdInDenial]

Does he? How did he get into college?

[Asker]

School is a different matter in this. Like i meant he doesn't understand that i have to devote my free time to making money so i can pay my bills instead of asking my parents to cover all my grounds.

[NerdInDenial]

You still have to work hard in school; just because he doesn't live paycheck to paycheck does not mean he doesn't understand hard work. That'll be similar to me saying you don't know what sacrifice is if you haven't joined the military.

[Asker]

Of course you have to work hard in school. That's not what I'm trying to say considering i am a graduate student. I'm saying he's just not able to try to step in my shoes and understand what its like to come from a middle class family.

[NerdInDenial]

Are you able to step in the shoes of Chinese laborer or Indian laborer in the country with no idea of what running water or toilet or electricity is?

[Asker]

You are going off subject

[NerdInDenial]

Am I? What's the difference between my analogy and yours?

[Asker]

You're the one bringing up irrelevant stuff. I just asked a question and you're bring up chinese laborers and shit like this is not on topic at all. My question was about me resenting my boyfriend cause he gets nice things by just being given to them when i have a obtain a job to get things no where nice as what he has. If you're not here to answer my question or to give me advice then please leave.

[NerdInDenial]

It's called an analogy; if you cannot be in the shoes of a Chinese laborer, then how would you expect your boyfriend to be in your shoes. Should the Chinese laborer have resentment against you?

[NerdInDenial]

It can be worse; so , yes you maybe suffering but I know many people who have worked their asses off without feeling resentment. It's called pride in your work and inner strength. You can argue and say that you maybe more tough than your boyfriend but this resentment just shows how weak you are.

[Asker]

This is just so off topic so like i said if you're not here to answer my question then leave

[NerdInDenial]

Off topic? Holy shit it's like talking to a wall

[samhradh_leannan]

No single person is every going to understand what it's like to be in absolutely every possible situation. But not understanding the concept of working for a living is pretty extreme. It's also an issue of empathy. I may not actually know how it feels to be a Chinese laborer in a country without toilets, but I can imagine that it would be really difficult and I can appreciate how lucky I am to NOT be in that situation.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan that was my point; she should feel the same way.

[samhradh_leannan]

It seems to me like you are saying that if she doesn't know what it's like to be a Chinese laborer, then she can't expect her boyfriend to understand what it's like for her to need to work. Which almost makes sense, but you are oversimplifying the issue. Someone who hasn't been a Chinese laborer, who is talking to one, can either say "I haven't been in your shoes but wow, that must be really difficult and miserable and exhausting" or they can say "I don't get it, why don't you just buy a toilet?". For the Chinese laborer to feel resentment towards the latter would be completely natural, because there's a total disconnect from reality and a lack of empathy there which is incredibly frustrating to deal with. So I think it is really unfair for you to call her weak in this situation. Her feelings are totally natural.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan there is no evidence that her boyfriend has shown lack of empathy. She just accuses him of it.

[samhradh_leannan]

Sure, she could be lying. Maybe she doesn't even have a boyfriend in the first place. But answering her question is not productive if we don't take her story at face value. She is the one who is in the situation. If you have questions or want more details, then ask her, but otherwise it makes no sense to question what the situation is.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan I'm trying to put some perspective; things could always be worse. I'm going to call out the bullshit if I see it. If she can't handle it, don't post the question

[samhradh_leannan]

Sure, things could be worse. She could get sold into slavery. So obviously she should stay with this guy, if it's not as bad as being sold into slavery. Lol...

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan stop being hysterical

[samhradh_leannan]

Hysterical? Lol. Just making the point that "things could be worse" is not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship or not solve problems in your relationship.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan She wasn't asking whether she should break up with him. And yes, you can be kidnapped and be sold to slavery. If you're ignorant about your surroundings, soft target.

[samhradh_leannan]

I also mentioned solving problems.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan the only problem she presented is she feels resentment; that's a personal problem and not her boyfriend's fault.

[samhradh_leannan]

So if your SO does or says something to upset you, you don't talk to them about it, because it's not their problem?

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan you cannot change the feeling of resentment by telling the boyfriend to change. This is her problem not a generic disagreement.

[samhradh_leannan]

She doesn't have to "tell him to change", but she can let him know what's bothering her and ask him if he'll work on a compromise or at least make an effort to see her side. That's how you make a relationship work.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan how the fuck is he going to compromise his background?

[samhradh_leannan]

Of course he can't change his background, but he can work on being more empathetic to her situation and understanding the fact that she needs to work for a living. That is something that he can feasibly work on. And frankly, he probably will have to sooner or later, unless he ends up with someone else who is also wealthy and doesn't need to work (and not many people are in that position).

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan yup so it's his fault; of course, it's his fault , poor girl...

[samhradh_leannan]

Relationships require compromise, and sometimes people have to work on things. That goes for both sides. In this case, he's the person who is doing the hurtful behavior, so yeah, it is kind of his fault, if you insist on pointing fingers. But she is going to have to compromise too, if she wants to be with him, because working on a bad habit is a long process and he will probably never change completely. Both of them have to compromise, I never said it was just him.

[NerdInDenial]

@samhradh_leannan no shit Sherlock

[Asker]

@samhradh_leannan you were pretty much spot on with everything you said and even put it in better words than I did. Just to clarify I'm not lying at all and this relationship is real, just so you know. Thank you for your words though! Much appreciated!
@nerdindenial as for you when will you just give it up? You are putting words into my mouth and I don't appreciate that. You know what I feel like I am talking to a wall too and I said if you aren't going to answer MY question then leave cause this is MY question. I don't accuse my boyfriend of anything quit acting like you know my situation and don't say that I shouldn't post questions when I can't handle bullshit cause guess what it's not that I can't handle it it's just there was no need to continue in this stupid ass circular argument which is why I suggested that you leave. And lastly I'm not blaming my boyfriend for anything, the question was how can I go about MY resentment and I was asking for advice on how to do so.

[NerdInDenial]

You did accuse him of not being a hard worker or not knowing the "struggle;" my suggestion for you is to put your perspective in a wider spectrum. Life could be worse for you; yes, you may have to struggle but millions and millions of people have to struggle as well. It's your attitude that is the problem. You are entitled and feel that people should feel sorry for you.

[Asker]

Literally everything that comes out of your mouth is total shit. There were never any accusations on my part. I never accused anyone of not working hard I just said my boyfriend doesn't have to work for what he has unlike me. You literally keep twisting my words around and its really pissing me off. Also I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all you're acting like I'm playing a victim which Im not once again you are putting words in my mouth. Lastly I am NOT entitled and how dare you say that I am. I in no way made it seem entitled and once again I NEVER said anything that made it seem like I'm sorry for myself. Clearly you're a bit obsessed with my responses considering you keep coming back when I keep suggesting you leave. Leave me one more insulting response and you're ass is getting blocked.

[NerdInDenial]

You mean keyboard? Just keeping on denying it sweety.