Fed up with my selfish boyfriend making me feel unappreciated?

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs. We live together. I do so much for him. Besides cooking, cleaning and stuff like that I often buy him things I know he needs or might like. I write little love notes and leave them out if I go to work before him. I dress up sexy for him and have a killer collection of lingerie and wear it often. I had sexy professional photos taken of me for him for our anniversary last year. If we ever go out I am the one to plan it and harp on him to go.

I think I am a pretty amazing girlfriend and pretty darn hot too. I keep myself up. That song cater to you by destiny's child is me. I love being his girlfriend and showing him my love.

He loves me. I know that. But I am not happy and countless talks on the matter have produced no changes. You see he never does ANYTHING for me. He has never taken me out on a date. Never. He thinks holidays are stupid and does not celebrate them at all. He used to write me sweet poems and send then via text during our first year together. That is now a very distant memory. He knows I love flowers. Not foe the romantic gesture. Just because I think they are pretty and fun to have around the house. After hinting and then flat out asking and never getting any I just started buying thm myself.

When I talk to him about his lack of making me feel special all I ever hear are excuses. He is broke. Yet when he does have money he spends it on weed. And that ain't cheap. Or he will blame it on the fight we had a month ago and he will say he needs tine to feel romantic about me again. I used to accept his excuses and rationalize them to myself. Somehow, some way I always ended up thinking his excuses were valid and went on my way continuing to love him the way I must because it is who I am. Four years.four freaking years. I feel like an idiot. We had "the conversation" again last night and after hearing the same excuses I feel DONE.

I told him so and did not hear from him all day today. That hurt. Maybe be just thinks I won't go anywhere so no need to contact me. Am I being overly sensitive here? Do some guys just not do those things for their girlfriends but still love them? Is that even possible?

Updates

+1 y

Well he certainly threw a curve ball my way. This past weekend I went out with my girlfriends from work and basically ignored him. I have been sleeping on the sofa when I am home. Being very distant. Got home this morning after a wonderful night out with friends to find flowers, a love note and two round trip tickets to Hawaii for August. I have to use up my vacation so had already put in for that week off and he knew about it. I didn't have any set plans for that tine though. Let me say this

Updates

+1 y

When I saw what he did for me I almost fell to the floor. So many years of nothing and now THIS

an extreme gesture to say the least. He has not been home today and I don't know how to act when I do see him. I am not sure how I feel. Too little too late?

[CuddlyCarla]

It sounds like you have spoiled him to the point where he has grown accustomed and takes you for granted and takes advantage of your generosity instead of returning the effort. He has grown overly selfish and comfortable instead of picking up the slack and meeting you halfway. If you express your needs, boundaries, and desires, and he doesn't pay attention or follow through, then you have a very uneven relationship. You need to draw back the reigns, which he won't like. He will retaliate once he all of a sudden isn't being pampered and living 'the good life' he has enjoyed, takes for granted and has ceased to deserve. As such, I doubt this will fare well for your relationship. If you have talked to him and nothing changes, it's time to accept that he isn't holding up his end up the relationship and you are unhappy and what is happening is that you are growing to resent him. Instead of letting this continue, move on. If you have expressed to your partner you aren't happy, said why, and offered opportunities for change and nothing has improved, than you can say you did all you could. It's not enough for someone to love you somewhere deep down inside, if they aren't showing it and proving it, than they don't deserve it. I don't think you are being overly sensitive and do feel you have every right to move on as you have provided warnings and expressed what needs to change for this to be a better relationship. Given how good he has had it, I'm sure that when you finally break up and he has to fend for himself, he'll realize how good he had it and try to crawl back into your arms. Don't, it will just continue to happen. Move on and find a guy that can treat you the way you deserve. Don't settle for less because ultimately, people treat you the way that you let them. Stop being an enabler and be an empowered girl, you are obviously awesome.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your answer. He says he does love me. Because he is here. I guess just showing up at our apt we share should be enough to let me know he loves me. Ugh.

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[Akapapitrix]

I love what you said, as I was reading this I thought about myself and my relationship. I feel like I don't get enough in return, I'm tired of having the same conversations. Only difference though, there is a newborn involved. I don't want a broken up family. I've always wanted the fairytale family ; you know mother AND father in the same house because I never had that. All I know is that I deserve someone who will retaliate how good I treat them, with the same love. I'm not getting that and im ready to move on.

[Anonymous]

Wow you sound just like me. I'm on the edge to leave him, I totally get you. Sometimes it's just so hard when it comes to reality. My boyfriend n I live together too. I even sleepover at my girlfriends more often these days but still think about him and miss him deeply. I guess we both believe that there's HOPE that he will go back to the good old days or change. Some days it's just so good but others he's so selfish, always does what he wants and never think about my feelings. So I've been on a business trip for awhile in another state, and plans to come home in a couple of days. He has already agreed on picking me up but insists on changing my flight to a later time just so he can go to a party and see his friends since one of them is moving to a different place. I guess he wants to see his friend one last time but am I supposed to just say yeah I'll change my flight? Like... what is he thinking? Why would he even ask questions like that? Am I the only one that thinks he's being inconsiderate. Plus we haven't even seen each other in So long, it just hurts to hear when he says come back a later time. I'm so fed up and I know I can do better. Somehow he's always good with words and gets out of the situation. I don't know what's keeping me here, maybe I'm just too comfortable and scared to let go. I guess you're too. But the times with him are really fun. Anyways I don't know what's your situation now. Hope you find yourself cause I know I want to for myself. Thanks for listening to me vent 😕 and gotta change cater to you to me, myself and I. Wish you the best

[LadyCourtessa]

Oh my.. Ur situation is the same as mine... His friends is more important than me.. And seriously i came acrosa this question because im fed up with my boyfriend... he's sometimes so selfish and doesn't care about my feelings.. Its me alone that have to understand him understand his situation.. but what about me? Im really tired of him really

[cappon]

I am in the same position like you. Probably right after you started sleeping on the couch, he would say that he loves you and he would start behaving decent or at least promise to do so. I am still trying to make a decision weather or not I should be with him..I am really curious about how your relationship has been after this incident, can you update please?

[Phoenix1991]

First off, you sound like the perfect girlfriend if not seem close to it. To answer your questions, yes Most guys who do love their wives/girlfriends will do things for their girlfriends. Remember how in the beginning in the relationship he did amazing things for you and always told you he loves you. Those days start to go downhill eventually after a year or two into the relationship. Let me explain, Guys love you and are happy, some guys develop this egotistical / lazy sense of mind in the relationship. Sometimes that ego or laziness can taint the love for someone. Doesn't mean the relationship means sh*t to us or anything. We just get comfortable and still love you, just not as energetic as we were in the beginning. But that doesn't give him an excuse to slack off in the relationship, He should still spend time with you , take you out for walks, a date, movie,etc. Romantic stuff, not as much as the beginning but once every month isn't going to hurt either. Your boyfriend on the other hand is another case. He seems to stepped into a lazy sense of mind and doesn't try in life or relationship. I can't judge him, but I can say you do sound unhappy with him. You do know your a good girlfriend and good looking too. You have your life together and bust your ass for your lover as well, If you feel you can do better then him, I say go ahead, Leave him. Good looks and such charisma/personality as yours will get you almost any guy you want in life. Try to give your boyfriend an ultimatum, Tell him to change his way and be a proper man or you will walk. Guys should know its not easy keeping a woman without any work will be easy. =) I hope you find true happiness ,whichever decision you make, Follow your heart and eventually will you find peace and harmony

[Asker]

Love your answer. Thanks. Problem is an ultimatum won't work. Because he does not think I will go anywhere. I have said similar things before and not followed through. So in some way I am to blame. He won't take me seriously. Not until I actually leave. And then it's too late. When. I am done I am seriously DONE. I won't look back. I wish there was some way to make him realize what what he is about to lose.I kinda think there is no way to fix this.

[Phoenix1991]

hmmmm I guess, Well as long your happy I say continue forward in life. If he doesn't recognize what he's about to lose, then he will once its gone . If he doesn't then its his lost =)

[Red_Arrow]

Some guys can be naturally dense. Some guys can be downright STUPID. But really... I can not believe anyone could be as lame-brained as this guy.

He started right. But then he changed. He used to write you sweet poems, etc. Now He does nothing! Nothing except take advantage of you. He has you taking him out, you cooking for him, you cleaning house for him, and you providing sex for him. And in return... he does nothing!

You say you ended up thinking his excuses were valid. I think that actually you WISHED they were valid, but really knew they were not. Now you feel like an idiot. You have given him ultimatums and seen that he knows you will not follow through.

You have two choices. Accept that you are his door mat and continue life in that sad pathetic way! OR -- get a backbone. No more ultimatums, begging, chiding, anything! Just say goodbye and chalk up those four years as a lesson in what NOT to let yourself in for again! The world if full of wonderful guys. Go get yours!

[knowmeyourself]

+1

[Whistling_Dixie]

+1

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your answer. It was a reality check of sorts for me. Things are quite awkward and tense around here. I think he is starting to realize that I am serious. I told him I am looking for my own apt. And have been sleeping the sofa the past few nights. I also went out with some girlfriends from work last night which I rarely do. He started texting when he got home from work wondering where I was and when I was coming home to him. I refused to respond. I am beginning to realize

[Asker]

That I don't feel the same about him anymore. Its just hard to let go. I was looking through our old photos and all I felt was resentment, anger and extreme hurt and sadness. I feel like through his actions and lack thereof I allowed him to make me feel like I was not worthy. If only I tried harder, if only I did more, gave more...if only. I need to build myself back up. I am just trying to figure out now. And how to not let him affect me and my decision until I can get outta here.

[myspacemybroke]

Yes it is possible that some guys do that. I'm really not the most openly loving individual out there, but I still care for those closest to me. Some guys really aren't hugely open about doing stuff for others, though for a girlfriend I would do pretty much anything. Given the right circumstances and person of course. To start with, weed really doesn't help matters. Not to be judgmental, but it does tend to sort of drag on the system a little and if the person's generally lazy, then it really won't help matters. That being said I don't believe your boyfriend's behavior is mitigated whatsoever, by the sound of it he does need to be showing more care. Though do keep in mind a lot of guys have a generally very low energy personality, and simply because he isn't showing obvious signs of caring for you doesn't mean he's trying to be malicious about it. It does sound like you two would be better suited with different significant others.

[TheMisogynist]

Sounds like he has you trained pretty good, I predict that you will stay with him anyway because you don't want the last 4 years to be a waste. Wonder how many decent guys you turned away before shacking up with the fella.

[wizzarded]

this answer is probably the sad truth.

[TheMisogynist]

It's only sad if you are a woman of one of the nice guys. It's great news for the assholes. That's why I became one.

[Asker]

I am not vain at all. But I am pretty darn confident I am a hot girl. I take care of myself. I am always getting hit on and asked out. Always. He even teases me about not being able to take me out because of the attention I get. However you are wrong. I will leave him. I am beginning to realize I have been actin' a fool. No more. Done. Unless he changes. And I doubt he will

[Whistling_Dixie]

To quote Damon Wayan: "DAYUM GURLL?"

Seriously, since, ethnically I am Chinese, "dayum" is not in my vocabulary, but I digress, I think you do too much. Slow down! He deserves as much of pampering as he gives out! NO MORE AND NO LESS!

[Anonymous]

you guys really really need to talk this out. you need to make him this. you're too available and doing too much. leave and give him some time to miss you and actually know everything you've done for him. make him appreciate you

[diamond3]

give him a choice. to show you he loves you and appreciates you or you are leaving.. now that will make him get the picture

[Anonymous]

This seriously is so similar to the situation I am in :( I will be with my man for 4 years in May and I don't know what to do... :( I love him so much but idk

[LadyCourtessa]

Same here.. 3years n i love him but im fed uo

[wizzarded]

He sounds a lot like I did in high school. I was a complete dumbass way back then. maybe he is a extremely late bloomer, give him 10 more years. he might pull his head out of his ass by then.

[gspot10]

wow I wish my girl would be as tight like you. on the real up to next one. after 4 years your not happy than I would move on. you can all ready tell that he's not doing much of his life he spends his money on weed. your choice