My mum doesn’t take my relationship seriously and tells me to date around?

Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend just over a year. I told my mum about him around six months ago. We are in love and we both see a future between us.

However my mum doesn’t get that our relationship is serious, and she keeps making comments like “mix around and have fun until you meet your mr right”.

I’m in medical school. She has a crazy warped idea that I’m going to end up with a surgeon and that I’m dating down with my boyfriend (he’s an accountant). She hasn’t met him yet.

I don’t know what to do? Her comments are starting to hurt and I feel awful about how she might treat him if they were to meet (I live in a different state so I don’t see her much).

Advice please?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I don’t know why but the phrase we are in love makes me want to agree with your mom. Something about that statement screams dillusional middle school romance. Which is really rude of me to think because you being in medical school are clearly not a middle schooler but high levels of education don’t necessarily directly correlate with wise dating decisions so... eh. Either way in much the same way that I told my first ex girlfriend you shouldn’t marry everyone you love. Marriage despite what every pop song screams needs more than just love. In fact marriage can destroy love. Marriage is a decision nothing more. And love can be experienced and shared over and over again with many people. The alternative (the one true love story) is a fairly depressive viewpoint to hold in life. Many people marry for a variety of reasons most really enjoy marrying those that they share a feeling of love with. This reminds me of Romeo and Juliette a classic tale of romance that was initially written as a cautionary tale to a young girl but so many people erase that from its history. I’m not saying go fuck around but maybe you should take a step back from the emotional whirlwind of romance and look at things objectively as if this boy was just a random unattached stranger. Would you two really work well together if you didn’t “love” him. I mean love does dissipate and often does and many people seem to think they’re the exception to this rule. I mean love can definitely be rekindled over and over again but usually that only happens in couples that have personalities that could function in a variety relationships. Are you sure that that’s the kind of relationship you’re in?

ScaryCool · Accepted Answer

I thought I was going to be seeing an age range of under18 which would be more understandable.

Um yeah, don't listen to her. You are an able minded adult. If you think she would be rude to your boyfriend don't bring him around her but at the same time, I would because then he can prove himself to her and if she doesn't approve, who cares? It's you guy's love, not hers.

bethshepherd · Accepted Answer

Your mum does not understand that you are growing up and not a child anymore. She assumes she knows best, maybe she believes that she made mistakes in the past that she wants to make sure you do not copy. Dating down is always a stupid thing to do but a proper accountant - a chartered one - not a glorified book keeper, is quite a good job compared to yours. I could understand that she might be concerned that if you earn a lot more than him he is sponging off of you and using you, but by interfering and criticising you she is saying that you are stupid, and that is not nice. Prove to her you are grown up and wise by listening and telling her that you will give whatever she says due consideration and remember it etc, that does not mean that you change your boyfriend, just that you acknowledge it. Then if she asks how come nothing has changed you can say you thought carefully about it and after a lot of thought realised you were doing the right thing in the first place. You could also try asking her if she is happy with her life and her decisions and suggesting changes she could make. She has no right to assume she can interfere in your life but you cannot think about and comment on hers.

SnowyOwl · Accepted Answer

I'm sorry to say this, but your mom sounds superficial. Truth is your boyfriend's degree will not the determine whether you have a happy relationship or not. It really is about how well you guys work together. If you're able to put the effort to make it work with him, then it'll work. But if your mom's approval determines your happiness, then you won't have much freedom in your life. You should tell your mom that you appreciate all she's done for you in your life. But you are now old enough to make your own decisions, and you will choose what you believe is right. If you are ready to work on building a future with your boyfriend and so is he, then that's what matters. You should tell your boyfriend that your mom may criticize him at first for xy reason. But that shouldn't matter if both of you are ready to put an effort in building a future together. With time she'll calm down. If she worsens, she should go to therapy, or get a hobby.

Lemonz92 · Accepted Answer

Uhm, tell her, "Too bad, so sad" because she's not dating him is she? No. Just like you wouldn't reconsider dating/marrying someone because of their parents. It's stupid how she thinks she has a say as you're obviously an adult and can make decisions for yourself. I get it, I'm a mom (granted he's a baby) and we only ever want the best for our children but she needs to release the reins a little. I mean an accountant? She should be stoked! Have a nice conversation with her about it and him because if he knows what she's been saying he may be emotionally affected by it (Stuff like that hurts when you really love someone). You don't have to convince her but do let her know that it's not right to be talking like that seeing that YOU'RE happy and you see a future with this man who isn't dangerous to you. (In other words, she doesn't need to worry so much)

curiouskitten86 · Accepted Answer

Sounds like my mother. She probably doesn't believe that you can know for sure after only a year, particularly if you haven't dated very many guys in your lifetime. Tell her flat out that you HAVE met your Mr. Right, and that you would appreciate her support, rather than her derision. If she doesn't listen, then you may have to choose between risking your man's feelings, or keeping your mother at a distance in more ways than just location.

Logorithim · Answer

Thank goodness arranged marriages have in most places gone the way of the doodo bird. How in the world is an accountant deemed not acceptable as a boyfriend or potential husband merely by dint of his career choice (which is a perfectly good one)?

I think your mom's attitude toward this is really old-fashioned, but she is not likely to listen to reason, so prepare your boyfriend for what you expect from her. Guys are usually pretty good about dealing with difficult parents if they are warned in advance and really love you.

coachTanthony · Answer

Your mom is just a distraction... do what is best for you.. she didn't give birth to you so that you could be her slave. Your life is totally up to you and how you live it. I say.. LIVE IT WELL. Your mom will get over it.

Bananaman177 · Answer

How's your mother's relationship? Where's her "Mr. Right?"

Don't take her advice unless you want to end up just like her.

A lot of women have this mistaken idea that a good provider is a good man and vice versa. Let me tell you, I work in healthcare and I know a lot of doctors who cheat on their wives and are on their 3rd or 4th marriage, and cheat with women who are also married, so they ruin that marriage too. If you find a good man with a good heart and he loves you, my advice is to love him back, and not throw him away for some perfect ideal you think is gonna come along.

http://i.4cdn.org/pol/1527464746752.png

esparc · Answer

She is worried about you, that much is clear. She is looking at your relationship through "society's glasses". She thinks he isn't good enough because he doesn't make as much.

I'd think after 6 months without her meddling, you'd know him better than she can even try to know him. I personally don't have a degree, but I have a Very diversified skill set.

Side note: Most med students know MORE than some doctors, I should know, since I've done technical support for both. Nurses ALWAYS know more than the doctors.

clumsyinlove7 · Answer

Before judging your mother, I suggest you introduce your boyfriend to your mother. But why haven't you introduced your boyfriend to your mother, didn't you say you both have been dating over a year?

Although, parents gave birth to us, but that does not mean they don't have the permission to judge who we are dating. It is correct they are not in our shoes (currently), but they had been in our shoes when they were at our age. We don't understand what they see, so don't expect our parents know what we see. And of course it is our lives, we decide what we are going to do, and we are responsible for it. At least let our parents speak their mind, it's not like they are always correct, but somehow more than 80% they are right.

Again, let them meet first and then go from there.

devilman666 · Answer

Confront her about it, this is manipulative behaviour, she should let you find your own happiness and not push you into her idea of happiness. I'm assuming she married your father when she was older and ended up feeling like she had to settle, with your father being less attractive and/or not earning a lot?

Don't listen to your mother, find your own happiness! If you love and trust this man then you should stay with him, your mother doesn't seem to desire that you find love, but that you find someone she defines as being of "high value", aka attractive and/or wealthy.

TadCurious · Answer

I would suggest you be respectful but very firm with your mother about this issue. I would tell her that her notion of your "dating down" with a guy you love who just happens to be an accountant is very offensive to you, and is disrespectful of him. And if you think she is capable of being rude and disrespectful of him if they were to meet then I would not go through with that. You don't want to subject him to her disdain if she will be anything but welcoming and gracious. And I would also tell her that her fairy tale of you marrying a surgeon is just that. You don't have to marry a surgeon in order to be happy or to accommodate your mother's fantasies.

Aki6000 · Answer

What type of person you want to date is none of her concern (except if she's found out he's doing something bad which hasn't happened). What has being a surgeon got to do with a guy being a good boyfriend anyways? Nothing.
Her attitude of dismissing him when she hasn't even seen him is wrong and you might want to tell her that straight up. If it hurts then either ignore her or tell her not to talk bad about your boyfriend and being unreasonably and illogically discriminative. Do remember you'd ideally be living with the guy your whole life if it goes right and you have no obligation to follow your parent's wishes regarding your life.

becka999 · Answer

That sounds like my mother sometimes but you just have to let it go over your head... Because its your life even though mothers think they know best.. 😂 they just don't want you getting hurt and probably just say this from stuff she has learnt from and doesn't want you to make any mistakes that maybe she regrets..

Bubbacino · Answer

My own mum did a similar thing to me when I first started seeing my boyfriend... well it's been over 2 years and we bought a house together. Don't listen; only you know what you truly want. My guess would be that your mum settled down too soon and she's trying to make sure that you don't fall into the same issue.

englisc · Answer

Just tell her stop being such an idiot. You might not think so now, but when people talk shit about your partner and you allow them to, eventually they can influence you. For any relationship to work you have to defend your partner and the relationship itself as though it's a baby. As soon as somebody starts to talk shit you need to defend it and tell them to shut the fuck up. If you allow others to bad mouth your partner, or even worse you join in, it won't last.

potatoismee · Answer

Well guess what. Your mother won't be there to live your life 40-50 years from now. It'll be you so whatever decisions u make now will form your future. I say tell her that you respect her opinion but you're mature and free enough to decide who's Mr right for yourself. And even if she doesn't agree with your choice, it's you who is going to live with him, have a family with him and spend your life with him, not her. She's made her decision years ago, now she should let you choose for yourself.

SaltyBooze · Answer

don't mind it. you don't need your mothers full consent to have a relationship with your boyfriend. just enjoy the moment. she will understand its for real when (and if) there's an engagement. don't bring that stress over your relationship. and try laughing it off if she mistreats him. better yet, just ignore the whole "meet up with family" thing as being a necessity, and just treat it as being something that might happen. well, best of luck and try to enjoy as much as you can.

Futurelooker · Answer

Don´t watch her opinions anymore. Your boyfriend don´t have to meet her. You don´t have to fulfill her or anybodey elses expectations. It is your life, and you have to live with your decisions. So do what you want to do, and not what your mother expects you to do.

Hashkl · Answer

Well , from your mom point view I believe she is thinking out of her experience and what she witness in her life and learned so far. So please don't get hurt or mad from her at the end she is your mom and she want the best for you.

On the other hand , I do believe that certification is nothing but a piece of paper and what really matter is what you are and how you become , where it's possible that an accountant be much smarter and more intelligent than a surgeon. Ofc it's a vice verse.

So at the end if u are happy with the guy then stay with him and enjoy the moment. Remember if it's meant to be it will be , so let it be.

Torex · Answer

Point 1: treat both your mother and boyfriend with respect.

Point 2: Understand that your mom probably wants you happy and doesn't want you underselling yourself. But the main point is that she probably wants you happy.

Point 3: If she is wanting you to live out her perfect vision for your life and not a happy life, then she is drifting away from her role as a mother.

Point 4: If she stops treating you like a mother should, then be courteous to her, but you have to stop listening to her.

Anonymous · Answer

Grab a sleazy perverted hood, dress him up in scrubs, make him 3 times divorces, bring him by the house to meet your mum, introduce him as your gynecological new boyfriend, and took her advise... act almost in love
She will run to find your accountant boyfriend and apologize

MasterAdvice · Answer

Maybe she's just thoughtful of you, like she doesn't want you to get hurt that's why she's telling you to have more options because you might find someone better. But to me, I disagree with your mom because a relationship is a commitment and you should stay for now and not keep finding somebody else.

Jackieboi · Answer

You should tell him, exactly the things she says. Then ask him if he's able to meet her without making comments or remarks about her not liking him. If he is do it and tell her to keep it to herself but not that you told him. If she still doesn't and drama breaks out at least you tried.

AynonOMouse · Answer

She is only valuing money and she wants you to be promiscuous to get that money.
She doesn't seem to care if you have someone that actually cares about you or not, only if he makes a lot of money.
If he makes you happy, just don't bother having her meet him until you guys are already living together so she realizes you made your choice.

My mum doesn’t take my relationship seriously and tells me to date around?

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