Do you think the way your family loves has affected the way you love?

Question

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

it wouldn't matter much. I guess it has an influence, but it shouldn't define that person's way in adulthood.
My dad was a violent alcoholic for about 10 years since I was about 8-9. I remember going to school and he wouldn't take part in the usual parent teacher meetings. He would refuse to help our neighbours & do anything that meant responsibility. Literally someone that isolated himself and thus pushed his family to isolation.
My mom tried her best to keep us afloat. I do not remember dad saying he loves me EVER. I did not say it back to him either.
We had what we needed, but gee alcohol turned my childhood into a nightmare. I remember almost having fights with him. I was 16 or so. I remember him swearing mom for the smallest shit, which in turn would piss me off and I would start swearing him. I was embarrassed in front of my neighbors as they most certainly heard the insults and raging, the slammed doors. My brother had a fight with him.

He got better in the last years. He still drinks, but with measure and did not get violent.

Wonder if you'd see me capable to love and show affection given I've been through such things.
And you are right, I cannot show affection towards my family: my brother, my mom, my dad. I cannot say "I love you!", but I do care and still act all protective.
I took the idiot drunk to the doctor to get something checked that was clearly getting worse.
I care after all this time, just that I will not express it in words. I will do it through actions.

As for outsiders, I'm completely different and I've said what I had to say when I had to say. I've always treated the girls I liked/loved like I was holding a fragile flower. I cannot even conceive screaming at the girl I'm with or even getting mad. I cannot understand that. Swearing is out of question.
I would seriously doubt the relationship if I'd end up doing that.

I've probably seen the shit we went through and I realized what it feels like and what effects have the different actions you take towards the ones around you.

SkipStop · Accepted Answer

It is said that the culture inside the family strongly determines the mindset and behavior of the child. A loving family will most likely result in success with love and other thjngs when their child grows up. That's not always the case. For a long time it was the case for me. I wanted to find a wife, have kids and be just like my parents have been ever since I can remember. But the strong change in our society over the last few years made me change my mind in what I want. I have given up on that dream I had because it's not gonna work for me. And I don't want to take the risk.

russiecantsing · Accepted Answer

Yes yes yes yes yes. People with no love in their childhood go searching for relationships to fill the void. People who only see toxic relationships search for them as the only thing they see as a normal relationship. Likewise, people with healthy representatives such as their parents are more likely to identify what's a good and healthy relationship and therefore succeed.

Personally, seeing just about everyone I know having relationships to go up in flames makes me reluctant to form one of my own, which is why I haven't thus far. It's stupid I know, we're not exact replicas of what we see or anything, I just don't want to experience the same kind of pain.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

I used to be very clingy and dependent and cynical and just changed a couple of days ago. I guess another thing was that I tended to avoid people who went out of their way to talk to me cause I associated persistent people who would always nag me and bother me and force me to listen to them when I didn't want to. I also used to like guys that were controlling cause my parents were very controlling when I was growing up and I used to shy away from nice guys cause my parents were never nice to me. I think God knew I wasn't ready which was why before this year - I never had a single relationship.

Goodwifie · Answer

Definitely yes.  Now my husband and I have to relearn so we can teach our children the right way to love.

Desconhecida · Answer

Yeah. I didn't have the best role model when it comes to healthy relationships. Maybe that's why I hardly commit

KAF87 · Answer

God I hope not. My family is train wreck that way.

Could explain why I'm a little attention starved and over commit though.

I would normally say that we learn from our parents, but lots of parents keep that part of their lives behind closed doors. I think we more figure it out as we go. It's a part of figuring out who we are. You figure out what gender, type of person you are attracted to and then how to attract that person to you.

That's why relationships can be so maddening. You get better as you go but each is unique. Neither of you know exactly what the other wants.

That's why good communication and openness are important.

TheOnlyAriii · Answer

It can affect in a good or bad way.

Say you come from a very loving family, not only does it teach you what love is, but I feel like it heightens your standards.

On the other side, someone from a unloving problematic family, where saying "I love you" or displaying any signs of affection is rare, it will affect you in the way that you will have difficulties expressing yourself...

OR, instead, it teaches you what NOT to be, and you become a very expressive and emotional person that tries hard to change their environment into a more welcoming and loving one.

Anonymous · Answer

Without a doubt. My family loves but we dont really show lots of physical affection and we aren't very open with each other.

It was a big shock when I started dating my boyfriend. He has a big family and they're all pretty open with each other. Its also a mixed family, as in, his father has children from a previous marriage. My bf's mom calls them her kids but still doesn't diss their mom at all. They all say "I love you"all the time. Even his brother who was 16 at the time would talk about girl problems at the dinner table. Most teenage boys avoid that with family.

Anonymous · Answer

Not really.
My boyfriend grew up in a fucked up family.
When he was born in his country, his parents didn't want him so they gave him up to his wealthy grandparents until he was 13
His grandparents raised him good and loved him
But when he was 13, he came here to Australia with his parents and younger brother
He was living with his parents
His dad was an alcoholic and used to bash him and his mum nearly everyday
Until one day when he was 18, he tried to protect his mum and then his dad got pissed off and kicked him out of the house.
His parents never loved him
His parents never protected him
His parents never gave him anything

But he is such a great guy
We have been together for 2 years
And he has never been physically abusive towards me even when he's angry.
He shows me so much love and treats me right
- very affectionate and caring
- always there for me when I need him
- always making sure im okay

So no.
This doesn't apply to everyone.
The way you love depends on the individual.

Anonymous · Answer

Yep! I was raised by loving parents who'd do anything to protect my siblings and I. I couldn't ask to be any more fortunate than I am. Sure there were rough patches when I was younger, though only minor, but for the most part I've been just dandy! We were very poor growing up, living in houses that were falling apart, unfinished and leaked a lot, and I was even sleeping at the top of a staircase on a cot because we lacked bedrooms, though keep in mind we didn't have much and I didn't think twice about it, after all, I had my Xbox to keep me entertained in that little space.

We were definitely kept fed growing up at the very least. The most important thing of all is the love that fostered our growth. I aspire to be as good a parent as they were, though a little less poor! Gotta make sure there are bedrooms for all my children, structurally stable and in great condition.

These paragraphs seem like an absolute mess of grammar, but oh well.

tangace · Answer

Yes it has definitely affected me
They never showed love or anything like it
I feel empty and alone all the time
And when I love I love the person to the end of the world, it's really strong and affect me like nothing else
Also i have lots of issues regarding social interactions and feelings because of my parents

Anonymous · Answer

Yes yes, ofcourse, I have such a great family so exceptionally great parents, have witnessed such a great relationship between them throughout my whole life that I've decided never to love or marry. Lol it's not as harsh as it sounds but it's true, I'm even thankful to them that they showed me the reality very soon, in childhood, that prevented me from suffering the hell myself & then learning but I don't appreciate the trauma I've faced at all & it's not worth learning with the trauma & stress I've always experienced.

Anorack · Answer

Absolutely. The way I grew up was with a family who would show their love by helping out with random everyday things. That was how they felt cared about as well. Since the way I give and receive love has been so vastly different for my entire life, (for me I give and receive love by physically touching and being touched) I felt very deprived and my family was almost perpetually frustrated with me because I hated helping out around the house. Growing up like this made me never want to expect things like that of the person I love and so that's how I've determined my own way of loving

strawberrysouffle · Answer

I think so, yes. My parents never showed any form of affection, at least not in front of me. I literally cannot remember a kiss, hug, or anything. The only proof I have that they have been affectionate with each other is an old photo of them kissing when they were 20-30.

I do find that I have a hard time being affectionate with people (not only romantic interests, but also platonic friends, or other family members) and that 'cheesy romantic stuff' weirds me out.

lalalatx · Answer

For freaking sure. My fam’s a bit dysfunctional, esp the relationship between my parents. And that has definitely affected my views towards relationship and love. I’ve basically morphed into a cynical skeptic who questions every good intention or waits for the other shoe to drop. Thanks mom and dad!

newbie2015 · Answer

Yes and it has been a trial with current boyfriend. My fam has aleays proclaimed love freely. I love you was said 2 or 3 times daily. My parents were warm and affectionate. However he does not come from a fam like this. Thus he is guarded around words such as "i love you". He SHOWS me every chance he loves me with his actions so I try not to make a deal. But it challenges me

Browneye57 · Answer

Everybody has things in their life as they grow up, events, issues, everybody. But it doesn't determine your outcome, merely influences. YOU get to decide what your life will be, YOU get to choose what affect, YOU are the one that plots your course forward, YOU get to decide how much power over you that you'll give to these things.

The excuse for the mass-murderer that his daddy was mean to him is pathetic.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeah I definitely agree. My father and mother were never really supposed to be together. They got divorced when I was 21 but my mother told me she shouldve left my dad when I was a kid. They never got along. I never saw my dad treat my mom with affection. He was mean to her. Verbally abusive. Not physically.

Im talking to a girl right now and she comes from a pretty loving family. I never really showed affection towards her but she still likes me. Its tough for me. I really do love her I think but I think its too late. I have issues with alcohol and this girl saw that all too well. She still talks to me but its sad that were drifting apart because I really do care for her and I think I love her... I just can't show it, or say it.

Gedaria · Answer

Yes most certainly.. The only people in my life up to being 16 were my sisters or their friends. But my sisters just the most pleasant people to be with I, tried boys of my age but I just couldn't fit in. There tenderness and putting the other person first works. It makes your lovemaking more rewarding, I cannot thank them enough...

kakairaa · Answer

Totally. Perhaps not the exact same way in which they love but more their personality. In my case, my father was always a bit reserved and introverted due to his rough childhood so i kind of “copied” some of his attitudes and find it really hard to open up to people and tend to show myself rather cold and mean than the complete opposite person i am.

rahul_24 · Answer

To some extend actually yes, just I have always been told to take responsibilities and work hard all the time. Just no one really loved and cared the way I wanted. Do they care just when they want to, otherwise figure yourself out. Just felt isolated, guess in that case it does

rjroy3 · Answer

If you witnessed how your family showed love to eachother, then you're absolutely effected by it. Positive or negative it still affects you, even if it's coming from a place of "I'll never be like that".

easwaranboss · Answer

Obviously !
The more I lack love from family (in some cases) I was needy for it,

The moment I get that from a girl, automatically you i feel the affection for that girl, also it's not letting me to leave that girl.
Because she is fulfilling my needs in love

SUSSMILCH · Answer

I believe so as a child I was always told that the day I bring a girlfriend home is the day I'll get a good hiding... which now I know wasn't the right saying. Moral is I have commitment issues due to my parents thinking it's funny to threaten me about having a partner

StarsInTheEyes · Answer

Yes, the way my parents not being affectionate has contributed partly to the reason why I'm very affectionate (the other reasons would be my nature, society, and life in general)

IamShyyy · Answer

Yes definitely. I have been raised by a very scary, strong, angry and determined mother and I can definitely see the characteristics in myself. Some good, like we are both very independent and determined, others bad like we are very angry and doesn’t work well with other people, and that also affects the way I love

alice55 · Answer

I think so. My family isn't one to show emotion or giving hugs and when I like someone I don't feel the need to hugs them or say nice stuff to them since I'm not used to.

Saville_Row · Answer

Definitely. My family always has been kind of cold. So we wouldn't do hugs or mutter thank you really low. So I grew up not knowing how to show appreciation for others.

AynonOMouse · Answer

I can still count on my hands the total number of hugs I've gotten from my parents in my life, and my family doesn't really express feelings hardly ever.
I will be much more affectionate when I have kids and make a point to spend more time together.

kitty71 · Answer

I think in some way yes noone in my family parents or sibligns never question why I never dated or had a boyfriend in my past or even was seeing boys like they dont pay attention abpout that phase in my life

meganmegan1 · Answer

I came from a very broken family. I grew up around hate not love. In ways I do think it has effected me but I am still capable of love

dragonfly6516 · Answer

Oh definitely. This is confirmed by the "nature vs nurture" theory. Your core personality is set by age 7, and shaped by those who raise you.

Ellie-V · Answer

No, not really. They have their own ideas about love and stuff. My mind naturally strayed in a different direction as I got older.

elizamichale2 · Answer

Definitely it has affected me and i believe this is the only reason all the people i have known like me and the friends love me so much

depeche2015 · Answer

yes it can affect you especially if you come from a cold-non affectionate family.

fearoffalling · Answer

Yes, we understand feelings better, else if we have never been love in a family then we get more committed and deep in any relationship, finding comfort and feeling the love easily

scottalanmiller · Answer

I think that no matter what... this has to be true. Influences you one way or another.

LittleMissLib · Answer

Of course. There's been studies made about it, even.

hasrett · Answer

Not at all. I think it's all very individual. If it was like that, my sisters and i would all be the same, and we're quite different in that aspect.

ryancg · Answer

I've never really thought about it, but I suppose so. When I grew up, nobody really showed very much outward affection and I've found that I don't either.

apple24 · Answer

Probably since I don’t talk about sex or even things about it like my mom. Also, I am very angry when I get angry.

Anonymous · Answer

Yuo. My family only tells me they love me they dont actually do anything to express their love. I had ro leaen the hard way that being told "I love you" is so different than sharing love. Guys could get away with hurting me

marilynmansonssextoy · Answer

Yeah. Parents got divorced when i was five. i'm never getting married.

sarebare986 · Answer

Of course. You grow up as a young child learning about love from the relationship between parents or the people who rasied you. The most idolized people in your little kid life, you absorbed how to be in a relationship and what that means

brownman323 · Answer

Yes, if your family is distant amongst themselves you grow up thinking that's how it should be (not saying that's right or wrong). People tend to stick to what they know or are comfortable with.

chicana03 · Answer

Somewhat.. I mean my family has shown me marriage is a piece of paper but they always cared for their loved ones.. no matter what happens.. just stick to their side and be happy

jason_1233 · Answer

Everything can have an impact on you but in the end you are the controlling one.

lovebird007 · Answer

Yes , my mom is very affectionate to my dad &has never hid it&they openly kiss each other any chance they get. so the answer is yes...

ChengFred · Answer

Yes. If the child's parents often have quarrel, the child will have quarrel will his or her couple when he or she grows up.

EnocV · Answer

Yes... It affects how you are with others and you think that others are wrong.. But actually you're wrong...

Mr_Jolly · Answer

Yes. There's been very little love from my family and I've had to overcome that in relationships. It hasn't always worked.

Aniiis · Answer

I think it did not, I come from a very reserved family wich talks rarely about love but I'm different than them, I think it's all about experiences and what you've gone through in your life.

lowercasegirl · Answer

Yes. My mom shouts at me because she loves me and I shout at other people if I love them. I know its bad and it led me to many heartbreaks but im trying to fix it.

Kandy-Kane · Answer

Nope I was brought up in a unloving and abusive environment and I'm very lovey dovey.

Fuentes · Answer

Yup lol were not touchy so i never got hugs from mom or dad so im not a affectionate person haha

LuWe22 · Answer

We love each other and that's the important love I know.

jdrrichmond · Answer

Absolutely. I believe love is innate in most people, but how we love is learned.

PimpinDutch · Answer

I think how you have been bright up definitely affects you. It are the values they teach you which you most probably use for the rest of your life.

erichrmz · Answer

My familly were the most horrible and twisted family in the world, no doubt, my stepmother attempted homocide on me,  But i'm a great lover 😁😉

aries411 · Answer

yeah, i come from a really dysfunctional family in and out of jail and drugs.. showed me that ill never be that way i guess...

May98 · Answer

My family are not affectionate and in my eyes are not in love. The way I see them act has taught me what not to do and how not to act.

JuarezTheCurious · Answer

Not really... at least from what I conciously think.

staylorhomes · Answer

Most definitely. Compassion is important, feeling important to the one you dedicate to, vital.

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