My boyfriend won't cut off his ex, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for almost a year and things are very serious but he keeps in contact with his ex. I wouldn't normally have a problem with this because I trust him and I talk to my ex every so often, but we have a bad history and she hates me and has talked very badly about me behind my back to various mutual friends. I told him to cut her off and he did but eventually they start talking again. I don't want them being friends because I feel she was disrespectful to me and continues to disrespect our relationship by calling him crying about the past and writing him letters. One minute she hates him and the next she still loves him, she's obviously not over him. They broke up because she cheated and regrets it but still finds a way to blame me for them not being together even though he was single for 5 months before we started dating. Its hard to avoid her because she's best friends with his male roommate, so she's always going to be within reach. He said he doesn't care if their friends or not but he has yet to stick to it; what should I do in this situation.

[Symorg]

Alright it sounds like she's playing the yo-yo game with him. She seems to think she can keep him at exactly the right distance. 'on the back burner' if you will.

However, you should be careful not to emasculate him. He should be able to talk to whoever the hell he wants to. That's the key, he needs to decide if he truly wants her to be a part of his life. If he seems to think she should be allowed to manipulate him, he's dead wrong. A lot of this is something you have to let him deal with, though. Be supportive but don't try to fight his battles. I can see how this can be very frustrating but he needs to be the one to come to grips with the fact that she is trying to keep him in her life as a future option.

[yengesi]

Your issues with her are your issues, not his. Anyone who says "if you love me you'll allow me to dictate who you're friends with." is being childish and manipulative. If she's trying to get back with him and he's riding the fence, that's a different thing entirely, but your description doesn't sound like that's the case.

[Kagan]

I can COMPLETELY understand both sides of this, I actually JUST submitted a similar question... except my boyfriend is the one that wants me to cut off My Ex.

I personally don't understand the big deal, in your case I get it ' more so than in mine just because she's talking bad about you which is unacceptable and he shouldn't be OK with that he should demand that she has more respect for you...

not only because he's with you and you are important to him,

but because she's being very childish and reacting poorly to you being a part of his life now and in some way replacing who she was.

which I'm sure is threatening to her and that's why she's reacting by trying to cut you down

[morngunt]

Have you told him that she disrespects you? He should stick up for you..I wouldn't put up with it. My boyfriend talks to most of his exs but not like on a regular so it doesn't bother me I suppose..