Why is having a baby out of wedlock seen as a negative thing?

[Anonymous]

My cousin’s fiancé just had a baby. He has been with her for four and a half years. They are engaged to be married. Yet my old school backward Asian relatives are gossiping about this “scandal”.

Why is having a baby out of wedlock seen negatively! I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, and likely getting engaged soon. Anyway we would maybe like to have a baby before marriage and don’t want that judgment!

[yucychan]

It's still very much a cultural thing. Once a person does something that deviates from the norm, the spotlight will be on him/her ultimately.
Especially, in Asian communities, where people tend to be more conservative in their beliefs.
However, my view is, if both of you love each other and are prepared to be parents and raise the kid together, why care what others say?
Even if you guys have a kid after you're both married, are your relatives gonna help you raise the kid, give you monetary support every month etc?
No, you are both gonna do that yourselves. So why care what they say? These people will always have something to say, no matter what you do.
So to me, it doesn't matter if you are married or not, most importantly, is if you and your boyfriend are prepared for raising a kid.

[Anonymous]

Well my cousin is the same age as me, and she was born out of wedlock. Her parents are still together as boyfriend and girlfriend, and it’s been 22 years. They’re just not getting married because they don’t see the point as they’ve been together for so long. So I don’t see it as a negative thing.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Because generally speaking it historically implied impulsivity and a broken home. If your having children out of wedlock historically the guy would abandon the girl (unless her father forced the man to marry her (hence the term "shot gun wedding" implying the man was their because of the womans fathers shot gun, not her). The reason why that itself was seen as a negative is because pretty much every problem we see today stems from fatherlessness with increased rates of criminality, substance abuse, divorce, depression, academic failure, poverty, and promiscuity (which perpetuates the problem). So traditionally marriage was a binding contract to defend against that possibility. It may be a several decades out dated but it still exists for a reason.

[englisc]

In the past you didn't even have sex until you were married. I guess it's more of a religious thing the whole birth out of wedlock thing. Some people also for some reason think that unless you marry you must not be serious about staying with the other person. To be fair, society would probably be a lot better if we went back to that, but that's not gonna happen. Either way, it's no big deal. We have our third baby on the way and we haven't got married yet although we plan to. Certain people will always make their judgements, but as long as you're sure you're doing the right thing it doesn't really matter what they think.

[nightdrot]

As the father of three children with my girlfriend of 11 years, honestly, I have no problem - personally - with out of wedlock children. In fact, three of them are my most favorite little people in the whole universe.

However, to start, in fairness, there are very good reasons for avoiding out of wedlock children. The data are not good.

Out of wedlock children are more apt to have bad grades, live in bad family situations, become involved in crime. Indeed, out of wedlock children are more likely to have sex before they are ready and have their own out of wedlock children.

Marriage, anthropologically and historically speaking, developed to protect mothers and children. Our male prehistoric ancestors were seeking out as many females to impregnate as possible and while certain physical factors would nudge a male to stay with his mate, it was not reliable.

So as man evolved and became civilized, he created religious and legal institutions to reinforce the family. It was - and as the data show, still is - sensible.

Having said all that, my girlfriend and I never found the idea of marriage as something we wanted. A large ceremony, an expensive ring and a permission slip from the state seemed to diminish the natural and spontaneous beauty of what we share. (The religious question is a bit more complicated and, honestly, we have never fully reconciled it in our own minds.)

My girlfriend and I love what we share. It is emotional and intimate, but also animal and instinctive. It is our most deepest thoughts and feelings and our most primitive instincts and mating drives. Marriage did not add anything to that.

In that connection, the three children we have had together - the greatest gifts a woman can ever give to a man - are part of that. I love my children at the deepest level, but there was something even instinctive in that.

My children are the result of my urge to mate. To impregnate my girlfriend and she to bear young. That might seem clinical, but to us - again - they are natural and beautiful. Our being married would have added nothing to do that.

When I see my children I see three beautiful little lives, three distinct little personalities and I feel unconditional love. Yet there is something added to that by the fact that my natural instincts compelled me to make them and my every male instinct is to protect them.

My natural instinct is to impregnate a woman with my sperm and to make babies. I don't need a wedding ring for that. That to me is as amazing and mysterious as the more emotional and romantic feelings that I share with my girlfriend and with - in a different way - my children.

Yup, that is all a bit flowery. However, it is not less real for that.

[Megatrizzle]

For some it could be traditional Christian or Family values. In my environment, many women who have children out of wedlock are usually abandoned by the kids' fathers. If the father IS in the child's life, they are usually ill-equipped financially to fully support them. It can also lead to distress for the kid sometimes too.

[1988fido]

The idea it’s about the baby needing both to be there.

Babies need a father and a mother

Usually if they are not married they don’t stick around for the baby that’s all.

It have nothing to do with marriage. It’s about them being there both of them for the baby and forever till they die or the baby grow up to be an adult

[King_MystiK_]

It's a culture thing, and I know that Asian woman love to talk smack. Most people don't think I'd understand Asian languages but I do even though I rarely speak them. People judge silently but love to talk smack about it. In an Asian culture they expect you to be married and to not have kids untill it's the real one for you, your true love. Being Asian is tough

[avalonbob]

Often, it's because people are afraid that unwed mother and child will end up on welfare and the hated food stamps, and we all end up paying for promiscuity. Other than that, I don't really care.

[ROCKS128]

Marriage happens then family planning, which includes baby.

What's the point of baby, then family planning later marriage. Why would they even have a baby without getting married?
Everyone will think something is fishy, coz most time it is!

[Taylor_C]

That must be a thing within the Asian community, because, elsewhere it isn´t really looked down on, other than among very religious people.

[TonyMetal86]

Because a wedding unites both of you and receives the blessing from god also under the laws your officialy a family

[Pizza_lover159]

People are dumb. A piece of paper shouldn't make the diffrence betwen being judged about having a child or not. .

[Danxsarah]

If they are happy that is the main thing my grandparents were absolutely destroyed when I had my daughter out of wedlock and disowned me it's a older generation thing

[skateranon123]

Who cares what people think just do whatever you want!

[Afrochick]

Unless you're wealthy its a bad idea.

Time its unclassy

[AcidT0y]

Is it still? I've never really seen anyone surprised by that sort of thing in my lifetime

[TacoFamine]

Because chances are the child will. not grow up with both their mother and father in the same house. If the father stays that is.

[up_64]

I can confirm this is true. And it isn't fun

[jamichaaustin]

Hey. Okay with me coming from my account to see if we get the rest of the week is not good and we will get you the bottom line to the airport to get it to me it seems to be getting to get it out the other one

[jaejaeraa]

More of a social construct of society then anything else.

[Physics-Man]

It indicates the potential for poor impulse control and lack of responsibility.

[HeyThere94]

Only the religious people who judge everyone think it is

[Muhammad1999]

I think having a baby is okay if you are sure you will get married soon

[rumby]

There is nothing logistically wrong with it, my best friend never met his father, best damn person I ever met.