Should I have a child out of wedlock?

[aliali8]

I'm 26 , never had a boyfriend. I just can't seem to fall in love with anyone. Even when i do meet someone who comes close to who I can fall for, they either don't have me back, or have problems/ issues or are just not suitable for me. I never had a problem getting a man to fall for me though I can never feel the same way about him.

I am a lonely girl with a history of depression. I don't have any friends besides coworkers. Its difficult to make friends at events / bars in my city unless you are very attractive. I honestly don't think I am gonna fall in love anytime soon. Finding the right person seems impossible, almost like a dream too good to be true. But its always been my life goal to have children. I know I will be a great mother but finding a the right man to have kids with is difficult. I can easily go to sperm bank but I don't want to be a single mother. So rather than sperm bank, I decided to look for a man to have a child with.

The only places where I have been meeting men are craigslist, online dating. This is how terrible my dating life has been over the past 5 years. A lot of these single guys who want to father a child are usually too old.

I just dont know where to meet quality men. I see men at work that would be good candidates but its a professional environment.

Updates

+1 y

the child will cure my depression. this is why i want a child so badly.

[Cubus]

Don't worry, you're 26 so you still have a lot of time. Some day you will find the right man. I mean, you could have a child by yourself, but it's always harder to raise it without a husband/wife.

[aliali8]

my parents can babysit while they are still alive.

[Tstrbrainer]

You can it's your freedom

But like you said, many men your age range won't be comfortable providing child support

[MTC29]

In your present state of mind, having a child will further complicate your life. A baby won't solve your problems, but only add news ones. There are numerous posts on this site from women who are single mothers and not one of them is happy in their life of raising kids alone. One woman felt that she was being punished- I felt sad for her. My mother was widowed at a young age and had to raise my sister and I alone. It's not a life I would wish on any woman.

Rather than a baby, what you need is counseling and treatment for your depression. Get your own issues squared away before taking on more.

[aliali8]

she is being punished because she doesn't have anyone else to help care for her child. I have my parents to help care for my baby to ease up my life as a single mom.

[aliali8]

The baby will be the cure to all my emotional worries. I won't be lonely anymore. I will finally have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I will finally have something to live for. I will finally see meaning in going to work daily. I am working to provide for my child. So it'll make me more energetic in going to work.

[Aassem]

You negated everything you said with the last thing you said, if you see good men at work then they do exist and if one of them wants you they will approach you if they are able to.. I mean it's not guaranteed how long are you gonna stay at your current job, and a good human connection is a rare thing everywhere..

You're still young at 26, don't stress yourself, I believe the right man and the right relationship is something you attract mainly, not something you actively search for, you gotta work on yourself best you can to get something elite.. and be patient it will inevitably come.

[aliali8]

do you realize that I am 26 years old and never had a boyfriend? its already abnormal for someone my age to never had a boyfriend. I also do not want to wait until I am 36 to have kids, I want to retire by the time I hit my late 50s. I don't want to raise children until I am 63.

My parents birthed me at 37 and my brother at 40. I saw what they had to go through. Delayed retirement and raising children is harder when you're older.

[Aassem]

Fair talk but you never know what to expect, I mean something else bad could happen with early delivery that's out of your control.. Plus humans live as long as they're motivated to live, so some people at 63 could still be more looking forward to live than ones at 53..
It's like sports let's say the UFC, I have seen champions that retire at 32 and one that still going at 44 and they're both great champions with great careers, that 44 yo started late tho at 34 years of age and yet he beat many of the young men he faced with dominance, the point is age is significant but you decide with your motivation to live how much it will affect you..

I believe you will more likely find someone sooner than you expect since you're ready now and you can finally say that you're ready for something serious, just be cool and things will look yp

[aliali8]

I am not interested in spending the last years of my life working at a job where I am old, worn out, and struggling to continue working. I want to spend the weakest, oldest years of my life going on vacation and enjoying retirement. Not working to repay my child's student loans or paying college tuition.

[Aassem]

That's fair, but this sense of urgency will only stress you and very likely make you choose the wrong person. Look at yourself in 3 years from now, how do you see 29 yo you? Do you see yourself a better person? (Healthier and happier).. I mean you say that having a kid will cure your depression, I mean how do you know it won't make you bi-polar instead?

I believe you should always do your best for your future self, that should always be your priority and everything else in life will be a by product to your success of leading a great life for yourself!

[aliali8]

there is no such thing as picking the wrong person , as i am not looking to get married. Likely I will have my child at 30 years old , when i become financially stable enough to support a child.

Having a child is my dream, which is why it would make me so happy. Imagine a life goal that you always wanted to fulfill, then you accomplish it. how would you feel? would you go bipolar?

[aliali8]

your definition of having a great life, is getting married and having a baby.

Well sorry to say, life doesn't always work out that way. Have you never seen the lonely old 45 yr old men that are still childless and single?

You can't just put an expectation that life will workout according to the way you want it. Sometimes you just need to make the best of what you have.

[Aassem]

I never said that about having a great life, that's not my definition at all, and what you're saying about making the best of what you have is totally true, but with that you make you own great life, with making the best of what you have..
anyways I didn't say you need marriage, but in your question you expressed your frustration with not finding any man for you to this day, so I was telling you that this is okay, as every woman has her own path to finding the right man for her..

About my life long dream no I don't imagine it will make me bi-polar tho everything is possible.
The thing is you said with certainty that having a baby will cure your depression which is absurd in my opinion as the hormones chaos during pregnancy with depression could possibly lead to something negative too.. So I believe you should handle your depression first.. Have you explored a different diet to cure it, cuz many people have reported that their depression completely lifted after changing their diet and they stopped taking any medications since then and they are absolutely fine now, for example Dr Jordan Paterson with the carnivore diet..
I'm really trying to help, sorry if I frustrated you at any point.

[aliali8]

Very rarely is someone depressed simply due to diet. Depression is likely to be caused by emotional unfulfillment such as loneliness, not feeling appreciated, having nothing to look forward to in life. Having a baby will resolve all these issues.

Every mom has hormonal changes after pregnancy. but things usually resolve eventually. Not all mothers are permanently fucked up after birth.

[aliali8]

honestly nobody on here is actually informed about anything. I'm busy teaching people about things.

[Aassem]

Alright you know best good Luck @aliali8

[Boromir]

I helped single mothers by choice like you in the past with similar requests. I would not want to be that ‘known donor’ in your specific situation. You need first to get over your depression _before_ trying to get pregnant. You need to solve your own problems first, the kid will not make it go away. At the contrary.

[aliali8]

The baby will be the cure to all my emotional worries. I won't be lonely anymore. I will finally have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I will finally have something to live for. I will finally see meaning in going to work daily. I am working to provide for my child. So it'll make me more energetic in going to work.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Can I be brutally honest with you?

You have a history of depression and you are considering bringing a child into this world with someone who is quite frankly going to be out of the picture before the baby's born. if you go down that route do you think you'll be able to cope?

I don't. I'm really sorry to be so blunt, I just can't see it.

[aliali8]

the child will cure the depression. it'll give me motivation to go work in the morning. the baby will love me. i will have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Sure being a mom is hard but its also a huge blessing. Its my life dream to be a mom.

[aliali8]

The baby will be the cure to all my emotional worries. I won't be lonely anymore. I will finally have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I will finally have something to live for. I will finally see meaning in going to work daily. I am working to provide for my child. So it'll make me more energetic in going to work.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I don't doubt for one second your intentions are 100% for the baby. That's clear and obvious. But having a baby being a cure for depression? Can you not see how fraught with danger that scenario can be?

[aliali8]

you have no evidence the baby won't cure my depression. thats just what you like to say. i definitely care about my baby. i know myself way better than you.

[TommyMountainFigure]

I know I'm not getting through to you, and you probably see me as an interfering idiot who has no experience in these issues, so I won't argue with you. I'm really not on here to judge or cause distress to anyone.
I will just say this though:-
A child growing up needs and deserves stability. If you truly believe you can provide that for a baby as opposed to seeing things as a baby to help YOU, then I will keep quiet.

[aliali8]

what makes you think i wouldn't be able to provide my child any stability? I know I'm gonna be able to make enough money to provide for my child. I have my parents who will babysit my child. How is this a lack of stabilty? do you just go around making random assumptions about other people? playing guessing games?

There are plenty of children who grow up with divorced mothers, only seeing dad just once or twice a month. Its becoming the norm.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Erm no. I'm not the one on a website asking for advice about whether or not you should have a baby to cure your depression.

[aliali8]

my child will have a mother who loves it to death, grandparents who love it to death, and an uncle who loves her. why are you acting as if my child will be a fucking starved orphan?

[aliali8]

Maybe if you just quit being so ignorant , you wouldn't be so embarrassed right now.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Take one step back and count to ten. I swear, I am not on here to upset you and if I have, then I sincerely apologise.
You're right. I don't know your situation. I know nothing about you, other than your question, but on the other side of the coin, you don't know me either. You have no idea what experience I have in these matters.
The bottom line is, a baby will scream when he or she is hungry, it will scream when it is tired. It will scream sometimes in the middle of the night and it will scream no matter what you do or say, and for no apparent reason.
You expect a baby to cure you of depression, and I am telling you if you are susceptible to bouts of depression. to think again. They will compound it.
I'm not going to add any further because I do not wish to cause you any upset. So you say what you want now. Get any hurt or angst towards me out of your system. I won't fight with you and I really do wish you all the very best in whatever decision you choose.

[The_Maphio]

Lower your standards, and you'll find one pretty quickly.
The depression thing is a bit of a deal breaker, too.
And for the love of god, go find a man in real life, fuck those stupid dating apps. It's full of people who fail, failed and most likely will fail at love and I'm rather sure not only at that.

[aliali8]

so you're saying that i should marry a man i don't love just so that i can have a child?

[Curmudgeon]

"A lot of these single guys who want to father a child are usually too old."

How old is old? They are more likely to be established with a home, a steady job, investment and retirement accounts. It may be that guys your age are *just not ready*

[aliali8]

Most young guys 20-30s want to have a child with a woman who they are married to. These guys are in no rush to have kids. They want romance.

Its only tend to be single guys in their 40s-50s who want to have kids

[Curmudgeon]

And there you have it. There is a reason wives tend to be a few years younger than husbands.

[aliali8]

I'm 26. Ideally I'm looking for someone in late 20s to early 30s. But these young guys want to have a child with a woman they are in a relationship with. They are in no rush to have kids. I am willing to lower my age standards to even guys in their late 30s. 40s-50s is a bit too much for me.

[Curmudgeon]

Well, do that. And DON'T have the child out of wedlock. It is NOT fair to him or her. I hope you find that older gent to marry who will love you and care for you and your baby.

[aliali8]

I'm not physically attracted to old guys in their 40s-50s. I want a man who still have many years ahead of him to raise a child. Not some dude who is gonna retire by the time my child turns 15

[aliali8]

Not to mention the increased risk of birth defects / genetic abnormalities associated with having a baby with a much older men.

[Curmudgeon]

I didn't say 50's, 30s is good. And the risk of birth defects and autism etc. is actually much more with older *women* than with older men.

[aliali8]

Its my child. I want the best for my child. If I decide to have a kid with a 45 yr old man, and it comes out fucked up. I honestly will never ever be able to forgive myself for the rest of my life. If I can do something that is completely preventable, i would do it.

[aliali8]

women who want to have kids with men in their 40s-50s , are not looking out for the best for their children. In other words, the child is not her first priority. For me, my child is my first priority above anything else.

[exitseven]

A child will not cure your depression. You will be the same person except you will be responsible for another human being. A child is not a pet hamster. Also children from single parent households are not as successful in life.

[aliali8]

The baby will be the cure to all my emotional worries. I won't be lonely anymore. I will finally have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I will finally have something to live for. I will finally see meaning in going to work daily. I am working to provide for my child. So it'll make me more energetic in going to work.

[aliali8]

"Also children from single parent households are not as successful in life."

thats not always true. I have seen many kids from single parent households who lead decent lives. I come from an abusive household and I have a professional job, am respectful/ polite, good character.

[EaterPeter]

Does not sound like a good idea. Opposite gender parent is still important in good upbringing of a kid. Wedlock or not each new born deserves to have fully committed loving caring parents.

[Anonymous]

That child would be called illegitimate /bastard legally speaking.

[aliali8]

there is no requirement to wed prior to having a kid. I see having kids as a huge blessing

[Anonymous]

Yeah sure I can help. 🙄😒🤥🧐🥸

[Ms_Vanderquack]

That depends, is your goal to ruin three lives?

[TurboKid]

Or two if it's just her and the child. I think she needs to fix her personal issues and depression first either way.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid the child will cure my depression. this is why i want a child so badly. it will make me so happy. but at the same time, i am having a hard time finding a father

[TurboKid]

My blunt thinking is that you're putting the chicken before the egg. The child will provide company and you two can struggle together, but it will likely be harder and you will have to confront your depression and personal issues even more or double the struggle with them which spills into your child's struggles. It is not a healthy attitude to expect a child to kick your butt enough for extended periods to become and stay a mentally balanced adult. If I use a crude analogy, it's like you don't want to recommend a pet for someone who struggles to keep a clean house. A pet is a fine option for people who have extra clean houses because they can afford to double their cleaning workload with a pet in the house.

[TurboKid]

The idea I want to promote is that you become happy enough on your own to have a partner, have a child, rather than rely on either of these to make you happy.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid its easy to for you to say "oh, just get a partner". MY PROBLEM IS I CAN'T FIND A FUCKING PARTNER!!! IM ALREADY 26 years OLD AND NEVER HAD A boyfriend. THIS IS FUCKING ABNORMAL FOR SOMEONE MY AGE. i have a feeling i won't be finding love ANYTIME SOON.

The reason why I wanted to have kids early is because I want to have my parents to still be alive to care for my child while I work. So if I can't find a father to help me out, I will still have my parents to help me babysit to ease the burden.

A child without a father or sees dad once a month (through divorce) is pretty typical nowadays.

[TurboKid]

It's not easy. It might be the hardest thing in the world to overcome our personal issues. I can't think of anything harder than that. I'm encouraging the most difficult path possible which is to fix ourselves before we reach for others.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid Like I said, learn to fucking read. The baby will cure my depression. I want to have my parents help care for my child. If i have a child in my 30s, i don't know if my parents will still be alive to care for my child. This is the problem. Re-read if you couldn't understand.

[TurboKid]

I don't think you're suited to raise children and especially if you find reading comprehension problems in my answer. The world has enough abuse and negligent parents as it is.

[TurboKid]

* abusive

[TurboKid]

Any sane person can repeat what I said. You don't have children to cure your own depression. That is a horrible and selfish way of thinking. I don't know if you're a horrible and selfish person or blind-sighted into thinking that having a child is going to make your life all fine and dandy. I'll err towards the latter. Maybe you're very deep and soulful and just long to care about somebody. I will assume you have at least some unselfish reasons in the mix for wanting a child. But you really do have to fix yourself to raise one properly; It is not a good gamble to think that raising one will fix you. You're not just gambling with your own well-being at that point; you're gambling with your child's.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid my child will cure my depression. it will give me a reason to live life. right now i have absolutely nothing to look forward to in life. I am just living for the sake of living. there's nothing that makes me happy. Having a child earlier will allow my grandparents to help me care for it while they are still alive. i don't know when my parents will die.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid

"I don't think you're suited to raise children and especially if you find reading comprehension problems in my answer. The world has enough abuse and negligent parents as it is."

I don't think you have any evidence that I would be a negligent abusive parent. Maybe you should take some mental medication before you answer the question.

[TurboKid]

I can offer help if you want to try to find reasons to live and find meaning in life without a child. I really think you need to do that first and even if we're just focused on you and ignore the child. I'm not your enemy, you know, like I am not regurgitating aphorisms here. If you're hurt and lonely and depressed, I just think we need to fix that first. Maybe after we fix that, you will be so well-suited to become a parent, and maybe even find partners. But I really think we need to fix that first.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid you're not helping me here. you're not giving any advice. you're just sitting there insisting that I would be a terrible parent , without any proof whatsoever. You're full of assumptions. I KNOW MYSELF BETTER THAN YOU. I DON'T NEED YOU TO MAKE IGNORANT ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO SOMEONE YOU DONT KNOW EITHER.

[TurboKid]

I would happily submit this exchange to experienced parents as to whether you have the patience and mental fortitude to handle a child if you can accept any opinion other than your own.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid I know when to have patience. But I refuse to have patience with ignorant people. I don't respect ignorant people. I respect folks who actually consider what I had written, rather than to rush to ignorant assumptions without proof.

You don't command respect from others by not reading what other people have written. You don't earn respect by being ignorant.

Evaluate yourself before you name call others.

[Ms_Vanderquack]

Yeah, I'm not gonna read all that shit. But you are clearly a crazy lady if you think bing a single mom will actually solve anything.

[aliali8]

@ms_vanderquack i have my parents to help care for my child. So i won't be entirely a single mom.

[TurboKid]

All right, kiddie gloves off. You're a pathetic child and you started with the name-calling as anyone reading this exchange can see. My concern is with children, not pathetic losers like you, you piece of shit. You're a fucking narcissistic piece of shit. No wonder you have problems with men. You're a trainwreck of a person prone to drag everyone else around you into your own personal hell, and that's why I worry about any child you will raise. Now that's name-calling, see the difference?

[Ms_Vanderquack]

It isn't your parents responsibility to fix your mistakes. You are a grown ass woman, fucking act like it.

[aliali8]

@ms_vanderquack It definitely is not a mistake. Its a planned child. I wanted this child. Its gonna make me so happy in life. My parents are just gonna help relieve the burden of being a single parent. A single parent can very well be happy if she has enough people helping her.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid I'm sorry i offended you so much. maybe if you actually took in consideration to what I had written and stop being so ignorant, then you wouldn't be so sad right now. Immature ignorant piece of shit. do you just go around making random assumptions about people you never met?

[TurboKid]

I'm growing tired of this exchange but my basic assumption is that an adult shouldn't rely on a child to save them from their own problems. If that's "ignorant" then I'd praise the "ignorant" (i. e., responsible) people out there. A good time to consider a child is when you are so good at taking care of yourself (physically, mentally, financially) that you can spill that excess over to someone else.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid

how are you not ignorant if you're just making random assumptions about who i am? do you know me personally? what makes you think you have the right to insist things about me if you clearly do not know who i am?

YOU DON'T INSIST ON MAKING RASH ASSUMPTIONS ON OTHERS UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE, AS A PERSON. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT.

And on top of all of this, you're not even taking into consideration everything I have written. You just skimmed through my question. I can tell you didn't give a single shit about what I wrote.

[aliali8]

@Curmudgeon why? because I offended you by saying I don't want to have a child with a man in his 40s-50s?

[TurboKid]

The only thing I think I need to know is that you're a deeply hurt and troubled person who has difficulty getting dates, maybe even making friends, depressed, and want to solve that by having a child. That's enough. It doesn't have to get any more nuanced as I see it for me to advise in favor of focusing on you first before contemplating a child.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid nobody cares about what some ignorant , offended, hurt bastard thinks. Your insulted opinions do not count.

[TurboKid]

I'll repeat the same advice to anyone who thinks having a child will cure their depression. I really don't think I need to know any more than that. This is the concept I fundamentally object towards.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid what makes you think i will be depressed as a single parent? i have people to help care for my child. i guess you didn't know this because you're not reading anything im writing.

Being a mother will always be a lot of work , only a fool like you would think it'll be easy

[TurboKid]

Because you said you're depressed without a child. Let's flip the script though. I have given you my reasons why I do not believe that having a child will fix your depression. I actually think it will exacerbate and multiply it after an initial period. But how about you tell us the reasons why you think that having a child will cure your depression? Why do you think that having a child can cure depression?

[aliali8]

@TurboKid well i know that i will never be able to make any valuable close friendships in life. Besides my family, i have nobody. When my parents die, i will have no family. So having children will give me a sense of being loved and of course to be there for me as i get older.

Secondly, its always been my life goal to have children. It is what I was born on earth to do. Having a child is the biggest highlight of my life. Watching my baby being born will be the happiest moment of my life. Imagine a life goal of yours that you really want, then you end up accomplishing it. how would you feel? would it make you feel bad?

I konw my children will make me happy. I am the type of person who will pray everyday throughout pregnancy hoping that my child will come out fine. I am the type of person who would only wear MAMA shirts after her children are born.

Right now, i never experienced romance. i have no friends. its hard to make friends as you get older. people have their own groups of established social circles so they really don't need new friends. My parents have not always been the kindest towards me.

I just want something to live for. I want to develop a precious relationship with someone untainted. I am a kind, loving person and I know that I will be able to develop such an amazing bond with my child. I want a relationship with my child where he/ she is unafraid to tell me everything. I will protect this child from the day it is born all the way to my death.

[TurboKid]

I suspected something like that. There's a sweetness there although I think you take things too personally if you think everyone who disagrees with you is judgmental or out to get you. That's worth relaxing even for the sake of your future children. But you know, with kids, they'll look up to you even with heavy aid from the rest of your fam because you're the parent. They'll want advice like how to make friends. They'll want to follow your example. They'll be impacted in some form or another by your daily stresses and emotions. So this is a big part of why I think it might help to try to find your own happiness first and then kids second, rather than kids first and happiness second.

[aliali8]

@TurboKid Friendships do not last nowadays. During the 1990s and prior, friendships used ot last 10-50 years. NOwadays, freindships only last 1-5 years. If you didn't make freinds during high school, there is a good chance you will spend the rest of your young adult years being lonely.

Making friends comes naturally to children, as long as they are social. For me, I was abnormally shy and quiet as a kid, which hindered me from making friends for many years growing up.

There is no way for me to be happy in a world where its so hard to make friends. Trying to make friends only gets harder, not easier as you get older. Its easier to make friends at 16 than at 26. Its easier to make friends at 23 than at 33. Waiting it out is not the answer, especially in a world where people are self centered.

The baby will be the cure to all my emotional worries. I won't be lonely anymore. I will finally have someone to look forward to seeing at the end of the day. I will finally have something to live for. I will finally see meaning in going to work daily. I am working to provide for my child. So it'll make me more energetic in going to work.

[WalkingBassist]

No. Dont ever have children.