Should I wait to have another child?

[Anonymous]

I’m 24 I have a 7 year old I just got out of a relationship after my ex begged me to have an abortion. It was not a accidental pregnancy the pregnancy was planned but he realized he did not want to be with me. I was prepared to raise my baby by myself but he did not want me to do that either he assumed I was going to put him on child support so he started to threaten me until I got a abortion I was only pregnant for a few weeks but I still got attached and was looking forward to having my baby. It has been a few months since this has happened I still can’t go a day without thinking about what I did.

Now I’m thinking about having another child on my own or adopting I always want my kids to be close to in age I have my own place a good paying job my credit is good and my child has everything she wants and need I think I’m ready but My family is telling me I should wait because I’m young and have plenty of time to have more kids and find someone that’s right for me and get married. but I feel like there is no one out there for me I’m tired of getting into relationships and getting hurt it’s very hard to find someone that’s not trying to play games and actually have good intentions. Should I wait is my family right or should I do what I want to do?

[SteveSmith1985]

This is honestly a tough one to answer.

First of all, I am so sorry you were pressured into an abortion you didn't really want. That's... so messed-up. (I'm no pro-life motherfucker either. This is super messed-up). That's really really wrong, and I'm sorry.

I think though, that your family is right.

It sounds like you are coming from a place where you're letting your fears, doubts and past negative experiences cloud your better judgement.

Feeling like there is no one out there for you, is not an unusual way to feel. But it's not true. It's not accurate. It's not a valid premise to use in any calculation. Because as much as it may feel that way, there is nothing whatsoever ACTUALLY making it that way. It's 100% your own personal feelings about that. And your personal feelings are clearly not objective here (or they couldn't possibly have come to the conclusion that there's no one right out there for you. There's zero actual evidence to suggest that's right).

You also, are fresh from losing a child you did not want to lose. You feeling like you want nothing more than to complete your family (kids-wise) ASAP makes sense. Like it's understandable. I think many people would feel the same way in your shoes. But, again, this is not you assessing your situation from anything like an objective standpoint. You have intense, raw, and new emotional factors which you know very well are contributing to you feeling like "now" is the right time to have another child.

I just don't think you could possibly be in any position to accurately judge whether or not this is the right time for you. You cannot pretend that you are thinking clearly and totally objectively here. Because how could you possibly? How could anybody possibly be objective in your situation. It's literally impossible. You cannot separate what you FEEL you should do... from what you REALLY should ACTUALLY do (if you WERE able to somehow look at this objectively).

So, that's when it makes sense to give higher weight to the opinions of people who care about you, but who also might be (are) in a better position to look at things through a more objective lense. Of course, it's your life, and your decision to make at the end of the day.

But ask yourself things like: What kind of track record does your family have? Are they generally good people who have your best interests at heart? Are they the type to try and butt-into your life in ways that are controlling or inapropriate? Would they usually be people with sound advice? Would they tell you they felt this way, if they didn't feel strongly about it? And basically... are they people whose oppinions you trust and value enough to give weight to, when their view is opposite your own.

It depends on what kind of family you've got. But if they're generally good people with generally sound views and values... I think you should give a whole lot of serious thought to whether they might have a point (even if you cannot see it that way yourself right now).

Also, if you wait. You can always change your mind down the road. You can't change your mind should you choose to have another child right now. You can change your mind should you choose NOT to have a child just yet. You're not even "committing" to anything by waiting a while.

That's my 2 cents. I think you should probably listen to your family. At least until you've had a bit of time to not feel so raw about everything. This is a bad position for anyone to start making major life decisions. Your mind isn't where it need to be for decisions like that. Not right now it's not. It can't be. 🙂

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Your family is right. You're way too young for all that in my opinion. Your 20s should be spent getting to know yourself and pursuing your passion, not raising kids and putting your own life on the back burner.

That being said, it's your life and if that's what you want to do, don't listen to anyone but yourself

[Anemone978]

Yes wait to have another one... I know you are sad but you should grieve for your baby then when you meet someone you are really meant to be with have another child... you should never rush these things just based on feelings because it might be the totally wrong choice for you. Spend some time with your other child and do the things you want to do now because you are only in your 20's once don't waste your youth...

[AMS700CX4u2]

Only one thing worse than a single parent and that is a married mom with a non involved husband. You are married but your spouse is never home or doesn't share in the parenting, or is home but spends all his time with his buds. Really, what did you get married for in the first place.

[nawtee_me]

Clearly you are not from my area or you would be in jail and so would he.