Should this red flag end our relationship?

[Lueluna777]

My boyfriend and I have only been together for 3 months. We moved quickly. After our 2nd date, he asked me to move in with him. He told me he was going to marry me the first day he met me. The only reason we are not married yet, is because I told him I want to wait to save up for a wedding. I’ve been living with him ever since. Not even a month in, I met his entire family including children. I met him through my brother, as they are both in the military. My boyfriend and I have a huge age gap. Most would say I’m out of his league. I love him, and never saw this coming. He was honestly not my type at all, but won me over by being a sweet gentleman. Our relationship is nearly perfect except one thing, his ex wife. They got a divorce because she got strung out on drugs extremely bad, and cheated on him. She left their kids in an empty home with no food, while she was laid up with another man. She even put heroin in my boyfriends drink, and nearly got him kicked out of the military. She is clean now, and they have been divorced for 5 years. My boyfriend is very sweet, and a bit of a pushover. In the beginning of the relationship, I noticed she was still taking advantage of him. She used the kids as an excuse to ask for money. However, the kids don’t even live with her. They live with my boyfriends parents full time, and they see her on weekends and holidays. They will live with my boyfriend and I full time once his military contract ends. I expressed to him she is clearly using him. He agreed and said his sister told him the same thing. I told him I was uncomfortable with him sending her any money moving forward. He agreed to not send her any more money. However, we have had this same conversation more than 3 times now, and he still sends her money! What should I do? I feel that he is not respecting my boundaries. This is why I don’t date men with children, which I told him all of this. This is the red flag in our relationship. Everything else is nearly perfect

Updates

3 mo

She just got her first job since they divorced. Keeps giving him a sob story of how she’s struggling. I have no sympathy. They are both nearly 40, while I am in my early 20’s. I know what it’s like to work 3 jobs while in school. Although my boyfriend has alleviated that stress, by giving me the freedom to not have to work. Iknow what it’s like to hustle. I just spent the day in the emergency with my boyfriend. He may have cancer. I told him I will be there through thick n thin. Is it worth it

Updates

3 mo

We’re waiting on the results if he has cancer now. I saw he sent his ex money again. Should I bring it up, or would that be selfish? I feel it was a slap in the face. i just saw him break down for the first time in the ER, and stood by his side. Is it worth it if can’t respect this boundary of mine that is small to him, but huge to me? Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[RoseySarah]

Yes this red flag is clearly a great reason to end it and honestly all this relationship is a red flag.

This whole relationship at your age is a huge red flag!

Won't judge but these are things that relationships that end show as red flags early.

All you described!

The ex-wife being so pushy always coming back is the big red flag that should end it.

You had an amazing relationship and so romantic but you learned also and grew as a woman!

Especially being 20s while they are 40s!

Him having cancer is irrelevant because he is not respecting you specifically asking him to NOT give money that is wasted!

Sadly the grand parents and kids will suffer from all this. Those two will get back together soon!

Only choice is if you want them to do it behind your back or to get away!

My cousin's do this exact thing breaking up getting together drinking drugs... It's copy paste 3 times they broken up got back together and it sounds just like this 🤣.

Health reasons being the reason they get back together after the new hot girlfriend leaves.

Sorry helpful woman was so nasty she is never helpful and is a dude! I think the same person as Tim2Nice is.

[Lueluna777]

Thank you, glad to know “helpful woman” is like that with everyone. This is only my first day on this website and I thought, geez why am I on here? Haha

I know age gaps strike as a red flag for most people. Which I can see why, however it’s different for me. I ONLY date older men. I have always been mature for my age. I only dated a guy my age ONCE, and it was the worst shortest relationship I’ve ever had. His ex used to wipe their account out clean, the second my boyfriend got paid. Just to spend the money on drugs. She’s using him, and he’s to weak to step up to her. I believe that’s why God put me into his life. I will be the voice of reason for him, and teach him how to get his balls back. I know for a fact he does not desire to get back with her. She left this man stressed and broken. She made him very insecure, and as if everything was his fault. She is very manipulative. I’m not sure if you are into astrology, but I am. She is the same sign as my sisters. So I can read her very well, easily. I am also a reader myself, so I easily read everyone’s energy. I feel that my boyfriend was maybe hopeful of them getting back together initially after their divorce. Simply out of self pity and desperation. However, now that he has me. A real woman, there’s no comparison. Age ain’t nothing but a number sometimes. In this case scenario, I’m far more of a woman then she will ever be. Looks wise, she comes nowhere near me. Looks aside, she comes nowhere near me. I am young, beautiful, and intellectual. I am a very skilled woman. I won’t list everything here.

[Lueluna777]

Also, my boyfriend does not do drugs. He’s active duty military. Her life is a wreck, not his. I am the first women he has been serious about since their divorce. The first woman he let meet their children, and his entire family. I know that she feels threatened by me. However, I do agree he needs to get that together on his end. He needs to man up and set boundaries, or I will leave.

[RoseySarah]

Keep that a d follow though with it! No matter what

[etsylo]

I saw the post of HelpfulWoman, I didn't think it was very nice OR helpful. Don't know why they refer themselves to that when that was literally so unnecessary. But, he may just be really kind. I don't think this is a deal breaker, he's being taken advantage of and he knows it of course, but I think there may be more feelings on his part. Maybe he feels guilty, maybe he feels stuck, maybe he feels like it's his responsibility. You should ask him why he does this and why he keeps sending it even though you have talked about it and expressed your concerns.


It might be a little harder now considering he's getting screening right? I really hope he's okay and that he has nothing. It's not selfish of you to want to bring it up again but perhaps at another time, he's going through it. You seem to really love him so I hope everything will be okay. Personally, it's not a deal breaker again like I said. Just will need a little more talking through it and see what you both can do in order for him to stop sending money to her.

[Lueluna777]

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and sharing an actual helpful opinion ! I’ve talked to him about it multiple times, and he agreed to stop. Yet I keep finding out he’s still doing it. My boyfriend is the kind of person who will let you walk all over him. He also has a huge heart. She knows this, and I can easily see she is manipulating him. Him and his ex were married for 11 years. Maybe he does feel he still owes her? Which is crazy, because he owes her nothing. She is the reason their marriage ultimately failed. He explained at one point it’s so she won’t put him on child support. Which I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time I don’t. If it were to go to court, he would easily win this case. He needs to understand that he is in a new serious committed relationship now. He is still giving his ex wife authority as if she has power over our relationship. He doesn’t see it that way, but you know men and women think differently. I explained to him if the roles were reversed would he be okay with it? He said he would not, so I don’t know what other way to explain it. It’s stressing me out because he truly is the best man I’ve ever had. I’ve been in some really bad relationships that included domestic violence. This however is a huge ick for me with him. One of my pet peeves is repeating myself. I HATE speaking with someone about something and coming to an agreement, only for them to do it again. I feel so disrespected. Now that I just found out he may have cancer I feel stuck. I thought he was done doing this, but just saw in his phone last night she asked for money again. I have not had a chance to confront him about it yet. As I’m trying to alleviate his stress, and be their for him right now. However, I have my own things stressing me out as well. This is not helping on his end. What other way can I make it clear to him that this behavior is entirely inappropriate?

[RoseySarah]

Helpful woman is never helpful! Gives the worst advice!

[etsylo]

im not entirely sure. he sounds like a great guy, but great people usually do get stomped on. being married for 11 years can leave an impact on someone for a long time even if they're separated. im sure he understands that he's in a committed relationship, but you kind of have to realize that he probably always took care of that woman for years. Every day, he was probably giving her money. Some habits are really hard to break despite knowing that it's wrong or unnecessary now. it may be your pet peeve of repeating yourself, but do NOT let a pet peeve ruin what is considered a beautiful relationship.

I know you feel disrespected, though im sure he doesn't mean to make you feel that way at all. Sure, men and women think differently, but I can also see that having a big heart can make you vulnerable to so many things. He should consult someone in the law and talk to them about what could happen if he went through with it. She shouldn't get money when the children aren't even living with her. With this, you guys could possibly see what options you may have and talk it out. More than likely, the case will be on your side because you both will have the children once his contract ends.

He may be stressed. Keeping you in mind, his health, and his ex. But I think talking to someone with experience in this, legally, might benefit both of you. It's morally wrong for her to rob him of money, using the children she doesn't even live with as an excuse. Her being an unfit parent and using the kids as an excuse for money is disgusting and shows how bad of a parent and person she is.

[etsylo]

@RoseySarah yeah, i would see them here and there and wonder why they're so mean and unhinged sometimes : (

[Lueluna777]

Thank you so much! You give really good advice. :)

[sawno]

You already had a red flag going on in my books from the fact he wanted to marry you from day 1. How could he know that? He doesn't even know you at that point which strikes me as either dishonest or him not being serious about marriage.

He seems an extremely agreeable guy so you are not wrong on the pushover part. Expect him to be easily tempted to do things he shouldn't do.

[Lueluna777]

He told me when a man knows, he knows. He spent a lot of time in solitude after his divorce. He has been divorced for five years now. During those five years, he spent a lot of time working on his inner self. Although he still has more work to do, so do I. I think initially he meant it jokingly. As I met him through my brother unplanned. Honestly if he were not my brothers friend, he knows he most likely would not have a chance with a woman like me. We are complete opposites. Not to sound cocky, but I am very aware that I am an attractive woman. However my looks may be initially what attract a lot of men to me. Once they get to know me, they are hooked because there’s so many layers to me. I’m much younger than my boyfriend. I was honestly not attracted to him upon first meeting him. However looks matter but personality does to me as well. The more I got to know him, the more I started to fall for him. My brother used to also be like his boss and “bully” him in the marines. Now my boyfriend is one of the highest ranks. I think he gets a kick out of dating my brothers “sister” knowing it bothers him as well. He is the one man I feel I don’t have to worry about being unloyal.

[sawno]

It just doesn't work like that in my book. Day 1 you know looks and general mannerisms. I will know I am interested in a girl but I have no idea if she has big dealbreakers down the line. You can't just get in a relationship after the first date for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

This whole situation is full of red flags.
- The age gap is a red flag

- him sending what could be construed as child support money, to someone who is not taking care of the children, is a red flag

- you not wanting to date men with children while being with someone who has children is a red flag

- him ignoring your concerns is a red flag

- the RUSHING in this relationship is a red flag

It’s your decision whether you stay with this man or not, but I will say this; marriage is not going to make the red flags go away. It will only magnify them.

[Lueluna777]

1.) I know age gaps strike as a red flag for most people. Which I can see why, however it’s different for me. I ONLY date older men. I have always been mature for my age. I only dated a guy my age ONCE, and it was the worst shortest relationship I’ve ever had.
2.) I agree, definitely a red flag !!
3.) I never said I was opposed to dating men with children. Ideally I would rather not, however obviously I’m open to it. He is not the first man I’ve dated with children. I typically have no issue with the children, as I love them. Children love and take to me easily. It’s the mothers bs I don’t have time to deal with.
4.) I agree this is a red flag!
5.) I’m not so sure this is a red flag. Sometimes the chemistry is just there with people. I know people who “rushed” and have been happily married for 20+ years. I also know people who have “taken their time” and never got married. Or are just no longer together.

I agree with that, however there’s only one red flag here. As we all know, the dating pool sucks. This is easily the best relationship I’ve ever had. Is it worth throwing away over this one thing? I actually feel once we get married, this problem will easily go away. I already have full access to everything of my boyfriend. His bank accounts, login info/password for everything. However, I don’t abuse my power.

[Roudyrebel8]

Sounds like he's getting ahead of himself

[Lueluna777]

What do you mean by that?