Should this be a red flag?

Question

my boyfriend 23 and I 19 had been dating for 8 months almost 9 months now and I think he is a really sweet guy but today he told me he had a secret and the secret was that when the week we started dating he had me bent over in his car ofc nude and took a picture of me and he said he was really scared that I’d catch him. Also that he had that picture in a folder and two pictures I had sent him before he started dating so that I wouldn’t delete them from our chat. i didn’t get mad when he told me this bc I don’t want to scare him out of telling me things like that I just kinda said okay. But he did say he never showed anyone. But like is this a red flag that he’s telling me 8 months later? To be fair I send him pics a lot never with my face in it tho so I don't care that much, at some point he did try to get me to send one with my face but I didn't.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Whoa, that's definitely a really concerning thing for your boyfriend to tell you, especially 8 months into your relationship. I can understand why you're unsure if this is a red flag or not.

The fact that he took an intimate photo of you without your knowledge or consent when you first started dating is a major breach of trust. Even if he says he never showed anyone, the fact that he kept it hidden all this time is really sketchy.

And the way he was trying to pressure you to send more revealing photos with your face in them is also a major red flag. That's a huge violation of your privacy and comfort level.

I know you said you don't want to scare him off by getting mad, but this is something you really can't just sweep under the rug. This is a serious breach of trust and your personal boundaries.

I would encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with him about how this makes you feel. Make it clear that what he did was not okay, and that you need to be able to trust him fully if this relationship is going to work.

Consider whether this is something you can move past, or if it's a dealbreaker. Don't feel obligated to stay just because you've been together for a while. Your safety and comfort have to come first.

I know it's really hard, but try not to downplay your own feelings here. This is a huge violation, and you deserve to be with someone who respects you and your boundaries. Don't settle for less.

Take some time to really think about whether this is the kind of behavior you're willing to tolerate. Your gut is probably trying to tell you something. Listen to that, and don't be afraid to walk away if this ends up being a dealbreaker. You're worth so much more.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

While it may have not been the best thing to do at the time, especially w out your permission, I think him telling you now is a good thing. In all honestly at the time, your first week in together, he seen you as something purely sexual. The fact that he told you makes me think now he sees you as more than just something sexual. I’m not dismissing what he did. But I guarantee you he thought about this for a while. Whether to tell you about it or not. He could have gotten away w it. You would have never known. I know if I had done something like that, yes I’m would have really thought about it. For one there’s a chance she’d leave me by me being honest. So that’s one thing to consider. She might go to the authorities w this as well if she wanted to make it into something. So yes he really thought about it even though there was a notion to just sweep it under the rug. We do a lot of stupid stuff, especially us men. But I’m glad you didn’t go ballistic, because like you said you don’t want him to not come to you w things in the future if he’s done something wrong. At the same time though there still has to be some consequences for things. If a girl is constantly taking a man back because let’s say he cheated. He’s just going to say even if I cheat she’s forgiven me twice already so it’s no big deal. I hope that makes sense. Talk to him. Tell him how it made you feel if it did make you feel a certain way. That if he wants to do something like that I the future to ask, discuss it. I’d ask him if there’s anything else he’d like to tell you, let’s get everything out of there are other things then we start w a clean slate.