How to respond when someone bails on you?

[Anonymous]

So I asked this guy I have been seeing out this Saturday. He said he had some stuff to do with his brother but he'd keep me posted.

Saturday came around and he never contacted me, It was no big deal I ended up having a good Saturday.

He then apologized for not getting back with me and I basically said.

"No big deal, I wasn't expecting you to call anyways."

I really wasn't, but I don't know if I should have told him, was that rude of me?

[islands7]

You could have put a stiff arm on the short answer that seems like a slap/payback and considered something mature - some wording that you would have liked to hear. May I suggest "Yes, you told me you were not in control of the Saturday plans, possibly no convenient communications at hand - I appreciated your wanting to be with me."

On the other hand, he's either a bit immature or feeling more bonding to put you on ice like this - this situation happens in marriage constantly, but may not a place in dating or buddies.

Therefore, sooner or later you need to train him gently how you would like future situations to be handled - in your case, e.g.:

A. if you are tied up all day doing something he could drop in on ... volunteer work, etc., then OK call, then drop in if/when you are done - would be glad to see you (& help me)

B. Ooooh, I can't be on ice that day but if you know right now a specific time to meet, I might be able to tweak my plans to make that work for us

Wow I see a lot of answers & time spent in support of your question. Most anon askers in your age group don't select a Best Answer as a thank you ... will you have time for this? It kinds puts them "on ice" like you were ...

[da5id]

I don't see any reason to be mad in any way,

and even if you were, snide comments aren't the way to go - if anything they will reduce the likelyhood of him trying - and if that isn't what you want why bother at all?

if it doesn't work out the first evening you gotta stay positive and look for an alternative with him, have some tolerance for gods sake

if he wiggles or is evasive on finding an alternative or doesn't show the second time - then you can ask yourself why waste any more time here and just move on - I know this isn't canon with the:

"if he/she doesn't treat you like the center of their world the moment your eyes meet for the first time he/she's not worth it"

advice around here, but at least you'll be pleasant to have around instead of coming off as attention-craving, whiny and high-maintenance

TL;DR

if you want to feel superior and untouchable -> go with mockery and snide comments

if you want to connect with someone -> make them feel comfortable, and hopefully they will return the feeling

[timetowaste]

I think you're making generalizations about this girl, and you're coming off in a very snide/rude way which is exactly what you're preaching against. She never said she was mad. And her comment really doesn't put off the attention craving, whiny, and high maintenance vibe that you imply. She had tolerance when dealing with him, she honestly says it was no big dead. There's a difference between being tolerable, and just being a push over.

[da5id]

i fail to see where I made an assumtion about her specifially - I do disagree with remarking about spilt milk as it doesn't help move the sutation along positively, I also disagree with the attitude described by lefthand and my third paragraph

most importantly: why the ad hominem? - if you want to criticize focus on my solution and why you disagree with its approach to the problem at hand not my (in your eyes) flawed delivery

[timetowaste]

With all of the ways available to get in contact with people these days, I would have expected at least a follow through on it. Just let me know what's up ya know. Are we on, are we off. Either way is cool. What isn't really cool is just not saying anything at all after implying that we might have a chance to get together. It is a bit rude of him. I probably would have said the same thing. Some people are barking at you about the snide remark, but it's a way of you saying it's cool that it happened this time, but in the future you should really follow up with me without sounding needy/clingy, or like you're just bitching and also letting him know that you're not going to be a pushover about it. I know if I told someone that I'd call them and I never did.. and they told me that they didn't expect me to anyway, it'd dissapoint me because they aren't looking at me like I'm a reliable person. I don't like to let my word fall through, and in turn, I'd make sure to definitely call or at least text in the future. That'd be my actions to it however. Can't speak for anyone else.

[arsenal25]

i find it not rude but just well yea a bit rude, you have a right to do so. But I feel it is better to just answer in a way that makes him feel he did or not really didn't matter. It sounds like you a little bitter at least if someone says that to me, I know they are a bit mad. I would of said, o yea don't worry about it. and than act a bit distant. and def. not jump in to making plans with him again, if he suggests prob decline say another time, and from than see if he ever asks me out again. Basically I would make it a bit harder on him to pin me down this time.

[Asker]

But I said it with a smile!

That's just the way I am, brutally honest..but after I said it I did see how it could seem rude..

Next time I'll just tell him not to worry about it and act distant!

Thanks!

[spazticbert88]

No. That sounded perfect! It's was honest with a hint of zing to it. I've had a guy I liked bail on me last minute too. I think I'm actually gonna use that the next time :). Plus, I never really know how to respond to when someone ditches you.

[Asker]

Yeah, I used to just be like "oh it's alright."

but then I'd sound like a pushover and they'd just do it again...

:/

[spazticbert88]

Yeah cause you don't want to seem obsessed or desperate by being, "why didn't you call?", but you don't want him to do it again. And it's good that you didn't let his ruin your night. I mean, how hard could a phone call or text saying he couldn't make it really be, ya know?

If he keeps repeating the pattern, then I would say forget him. He's not worth your time. If he really cared for you then he wouldn't be flaking out on you. Good luck girl!

[spazticbert88]

Side note: This totally reminds me of Gavin DeGraw's song, "Follow Through". Tell him he needs to follow through :)

[Asker]

I know I see it as a little impolite on his end, I know it was last minute planning but still...I know he's still a little nervous around me at times so I kind of wonder how much experience he actually has. It sucks because I actually really like him, but if he continues to do this it's not worth me putting any more into this. This was my first time asking him to go out, so maybe I just had bad timing? All I can do is wait and see if he does it again..

Thanks!

[alps1289]

Everyone is saying ditch the guy. Personally I disagree, he told you that he had something to do and apologized for not getting back to you. I feel that since he apologized he actually cares about your opinion of him. If it he were purposely ditching you he would not have apologized. Just my opinion, I know if it were me I wouldn't have apologized if I was trying to hint you away.

[zinclozenges]

Yeah, I think what you said was rude. It sounds pouty and immature. I disagree with alps1289 in that he cares -- maybe cares about your opinion of him, but you have to base his level for caring on other aspects of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

"No big deal, I wasn't expecting you to call anyways.">>>>>>>>a lie. You were expecting him to or you wouldn't have posted this.

One of two things happened. He perceived you as lying or he perceived you as aloof, both bad.

You should have said: "I know you were busy and you were probably distracted. But call me some time if it suits you," And go on your way.

[Asker]

I don't see how me posting this has anything to do with me expecting him to or not.

I was simply asking if it was rude of me (because after I said it I could see how it could be a bit rude) and how would you respond in such a situation.

[MrNameless]

He didn't bail on you per se. He said he had things to do and that he would let you know if he could go, right?

He just failed to confirm that with you (maybe he assumed that by not contacting, you'd get the hint).

[Asker]

I use the word bail loosely, I know.

And I tried seeing it that way as well, that his 'I'll keep you posted." meant that if he didn't contact me then he didn't have time.

I'm glad you posted this because I can see it that way, but I thought it was just me giving him the benefit of the doubt.

lol

[JaredRN]

Not at all. You don't even know if he was lying, could have been bangin some other chick. And a considerate person would probably have called anyway.

[lefthand]

You handled it correctly.

the magic word is

"Next!"

[Asker]

Really?!

Just like that?

Just boot him and move on?

[assly]

Yess! Now if he really plans on seeing you and making plans with you, he'll make an effort and set up another time. Until then, you do your own thing and don't rely on him. Plenty more fish in the sea.

[Asker]

Yeah, your right.

This was the first time of me asking him to hangout, I thought I just had bad timing...but still I find it rather impolite on his part.

I'll let it go and just see what happens!

Thanks!

[destroyer]

I've had girls flake on me, I simply don't let it bother me and have a good time without them

[Asker]

I did have a good time!

I think I just see it as a little impolite.

At least when something comes up with me I tell the person...

Anyways, when girls flake on you, do you end up still trying to see them or just have them be the one to initiate the next move?

[destroyer]

It's highly dependent on the situation and girl but typically I let them come back to me and apologize, otherwise it would make me seem desperate/needy, if they flake again then I stop bothering with them and move onto the next girl because obviously they weren't attracted enough otherwise they would have shown up regardless of their 'excuse'.

[belleamour]

god I hateee when guys bail out on you..my ex boyfriend did it ALLLLLL the time.and half of the time he never told me,he would just never show up.then he bailed on me 2 weeks ago for prom.

guys are assholes lol

[Anonymous]

Oddly when I talked to my boyfriend about the same thing he hugged me, apologized, and hasn't done it since. I think its an awareness issue.

[Asker]

When you talked, how did you bring it up?

What was it that you said?

[Opinion Owner]

I pretty much just told him outright that he screwed up. Early on in our relationship we established that I could only get mad at him for things when I had previously told him what the expectations were. This way when I'm pissed I have a clear indicator of wether I'm in the right or not. I was in the right.

[Asker]

I see, I'm not pissed at him but it would be nice to hear from him.

I don't wanna sound like a push over either if I just say everything is alright but I don't want to cause any conflict so early since were not officially a couple or anything...

[Belgie]

No. You did exactly right.

[Jager66]

i think you did the right thing.

[Anonymous]

I would have done the same thing.

[Anonymous]

you did the right thing.

[Tphilly187]

pay back time

[Asker]

Really?

I think I'd feel rather bad if I did to him what he did to me, It's not in my nature.

But I could see how it would only be fair...

in a way I guess

lol

[Tphilly187]

i didn't say ditch him. Just get him back some way

[da5id]

just no...

[tmlsmurfs]

um this is a stupid thing to say