My straight boyfriend has a history of downloading grindr? How do I approach this?

[Anonymous]

Hi. I’ve (female) been with him 4 years, he had a history of using cam/video sites behind my back but I have no evidence he physically cheated. I now found out he downloaded Grindr on work trips away for the whole 1st year of our relationship. Is he gay? How do I break up/ tell him I’ve found out his darkest secret without hurting him? I’m so torn! I love this man. Help!

Updates

+1 y

The thing is, Grindr only happened about 6 times during our first year and hasn’t happened since. It just stopped. But the cam girls /chatting& sexting to girls online continued right up to when I moved in.
I confronted him about the cam girls only, and he has sworn he’s stopped.
My question is, is he gay? Or do straight guys get curious and explore what’s out there? I am more than likely going to leave but I have to wait until my daughters school holiday - she will need to move schools. I’m so

[Rainbow_Boy]

I would have loved to say something positive, but unfortunately, I can't. I'm a gay man and have come to terms with my sexual identity long time ago after struggling against the expectations of my family and the society to be straight.

Since coming out as gay, I have witnessed a lot of men who either had the same struggle as mine, or, in most cases, went down-low, i. e. engage in gay sex on the side, hidden from their wives or girlfriends. It breaks my heart to see more and more women suffer from that, but what is known is only the tip of the iceberg. There is an enormous amount of men who actually enjoy gay sex and most probably also prefer it.

There is no way around explaining the download of Grinder. This is an app exclusively to find partners for gay sex. It has got nothing to do with curiosity. Truly straight men don't even come close to doing such things. Your boyfriend must be gay, or at least bisexual, which is often a path to end up gay...

Obviously, how you bring this issue up is a delicate matter, and you need to do it without antagonizing or alienating him. But, if you want a straight partner, I'm quite sure he's not it. You're still young and may find a man who has interest only in women.

[Asker]

Thank you. I needed to hear this. If he is gay then I don’t understand all of his history with ex girlfriends and cam girls. Why have an interest in cam girls? I also found he was on a sugar daddy website years ago messaging girls (before we met) he’s been so good to me in person you would just never know on the surface that this was going on behind my back :( I don’t want to hurt him by giving the illusion we can work it out but I have to act normal until I can move my child to a new school. I don’t know how to be false pretending it’s all ok.

[Rainbow_Boy]

You're welcome. Honesty is the best policy. Besides, I've been there and done that. Remember, I said I had struggled before coming out as gay. During that time, I have also been married, albeit for a short time. Now, I know that was mostly to prove my straightness to myself than to anyone else.

However, that experiment failed miserably. I loved my ex-wife as a person, but not as a sex partner. Every time we were having sex, I hated being the active partner. I so wanted to be in her position and get penetrated. The poor girl tried to satisfy my needs with dildos and strapons, but substitutes can only work so far.

So, just to see if my urges were real, I went ahead and had sex with two guys. The experience was out-of-this-world, and I was so happy and satisfied at the end. I tried having gay sex a few more times after that to be sure, and every time, it was much better than the failed experiment with my wife.
(WILL CONTINUE IN NEXT MESSAGE)

[Rainbow_Boy]

So, divorce was a no-brainer. My wife said she knew all along that I was gay, but she didn't want to admit it. That's when I came out as gay, and since then had sex only with men, always as a bottom or the passive partner in bed.

I still have a good friendship with my ex-wife. After coming out, as the suppression was over, my feminine traits started becoming more apparent, so she now sees me as a girlfriend in some sense, as my daily interests and emotional responses look far more like a woman's than a man's.

I am not surprised about the goodness of your boyfriend. Nothing we discussed so far bears anything negative about his character. Being homosexual does not bring a character assessment with it, so in other spheres of life, he could be a great person.
(WILL CONTINUE IN NEXT MESSAGE)

[Rainbow_Boy]

Actually, I'll go out on a limb and even say that gay men are more likely to be good and compassionate, partly because the struggle against the macho culture brings out the best in gay men. On top of that, for those gays with strong feminine traits like me, it also adds a softer, nicer outlook often found in women. Nearly all of my close friends are female, because I'm quite sure they see me as one of them for the reasons I just mentioned and also because they know I can't be sexually attracted to them. When women don't feel sexually threatened by a man, they can open up and get much closer as my friends do with me.

If you'd like to get more things off your chest, I'll be happy to communicate further with you. With my best wishes,

[Hoss1981]

Man this one is a hard one to explain. Not going going to say cheating of any from is ok
But would you rather have him sleeping with another woman. Getting every thing from her you can give him or from a guy giving him something you can't. Definitely talk to him about it before you decide to break up with him. How to ask him. The best way is don't be accusative..

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but if he’s downloading and using Grindr, there’s a good chance he’s either gay or bi. Your best course of action is to ask him about it and offer to listen to him. He might be trying to come to terms with it himself. Regardless, he’s either cheating or not batting for the same team you are, so it sounds like the relationship is done.

[Asker]

I can ask him but I know he would never admit it to me. We come from a small town and I know it would kill him if he even found out i knew about this. This is likely his deepest secret and he has no idea I know :( he will never tell me the truth. Which will always leave me wondering what if I was wrong.

[4eyes2mouths]

I would send him the proof you found and let him explain himself to you. Tell him how it makes you feel and that you don't feel comfortable in the relationship anymore. Trust is so important in a relationship and he took that for granted.

[bangyourhead]

he is gay, and you do break up with him. He's 100% cheating on you.

[Anonymous]

He wants cock.