Is it stupid to ask for closure after a one night stand?

[Anonymous]

So, I basically met this guy a month ago. We started off as friends, we vibed great. I was attracted to him and I guess I just wanted to get to know him better, to see if he's a boyfriend material. He introduced me to his friends and I became good friends with them, too. I really liked hanging out with them, we had long term plans to go hiking and some other activities, too. Sadly, in all that process, I realized this guy is not a boyfriend material, but I still wanted to be friends with him and everyone, and he seemed like he friendzoned me too.
But then we fucked it all up when I came by his place one night, had one too many drinks prior, and we had sex. It was totally unplanned, the kiss happened spontaneously and one thing led to another. I regret it deeply. Not because we did it, but because it now ruined everything. I got a little bit emotionally attached after it (obviously, I'm a woman) and few days later asked him if he would like to watch a movie we talked about (maybe it seemed like I wanted to do it again, but actually I just wanted to talk about). He said we'll play it by the ear, but that never happened. Two weeks went by without either one reaching out again, all the while I saw his friends were hanging out again, but I wasn't invited...
I totally think he feels awkward and probably kind of guilty, because he knew well enough that I don't do hookups. It smells like ghosting to me, and I really don't want it all to end like that.
So I decided to reach out again, I asked him if he's free today for a walk to talk. I want to tell him that I just want to be friends if he's okay with that.
My friend thinks I should've just let it go and ghost him, that I should give him the chance to explain himself only if he reaches out to me (since I was the last one to propose a movie).

[HappyAccident]

Tbh it seemed like things went in motion on purpose think like this
It was unplanned for u to have sex with the guy
He's not boyfriend material
An he chilling with his friends that you know of an became cool with but they didn't reach out to you I'm guessing either
So when you think about it what if he had some sorta plan to see how you were just like you did with him just my own thought

[r0ddy]

Listen to your friends on this one :)

A lot of the time people will lie to themselves and say they want nothing, and act like they do...

That may not be what you're doing, I'd genuinely believe it wasn't too! But it would be very easy to come across to both him and your friends, that that's what you're doing.

Hope this helps :)

[Asker]

No, I really have no intention to be with him. But I do see him as a great guy, a new friend, and new good friends to find in 30s is really hard. And yes, I do need closure because this never happened to me, I need to talk about it with him.

[r0ddy]

I understand that, and I genuinely feel for you. The world can be a shitty place sometimes, but you have to ask yourself, what makes you entitled to this closure that he clearly doesn't want to have? Then ask yourself why you care about someone that clearly doesn't care about your feelings!

Again I genuinely empathize with you and I'm sorry you have to go through this but I promise if you put it behind you today, right now, you won't be thinking about it in 2 weeks time. (Chances are once he can see you're past it he'll be more lenient to talk anyways!)

[Asker]

I get that, but what's the worst it could happened? I don't see how having a talk could make things worse, only better.

[Asker]

Once I get it off my chest, it will be easier to move on, it's the only way I can really be past it. If we just let it fade away and he comes back months later, chances are I'll resent him and be done with it in a bad way. The least we can do is end it on a good note, while it's still fresh.

[r0ddy]

It's just not your choice :/ hard to see when it seems logical and the right thing to do I know, but the more you push it the more he's going to feel that way (resentment) from the get go.

Believe me when I say that if you actually move past it now, you won't resent him later, you will simply feel like he missed his chance trust me :)

[Asker]

Why would HE feel resentment? He's the one who backed off, he shouldn't feel anything. It's nothing to him, but it's a lot to me. It's the least he can do in my opinion. This is not about him (he made his feelings clear by backing off), it's about me - I didn't make MY feelings clear. Giving me an opportunity to do so is kind. Pushing it would be asking to stay friends or asking to date, or asking anything for that matter. I ain't gonna ask him anything, his silence told me everything I need to know. And by staying silent too, I am sending the message that I feel the same - which is not true. I just wanted him to know how I feel before he makes any further decisions. Talking about feelings should never end in an argument or resentment.

[Asker]

It's also an opportunity for him to say anything that might've been bottled up. Not many people (especially guys) have the courage to talk about feelings. Almost no one would initiate it themselves, it usually happens when initiated by other person. Sadly, in most cases, both parties are not willing to initiate and then the conversation never happens things fizzle out and it stays like nothing ever happened. Poor communication can never bring anything good.

[r0ddy]

You're overthinking it :/ he will feel resentment that you feel so entitled to this conversation after what you have described as a one night stand...

I don't disagree with anything your saying, I just think you're failing to see he has his own feelings because yours are so amplified ATM. You can't force him to feel the way you do about this conversation and he may have things going on in his life you don't know about. Either way he has every right to not have the conversation and you are only hurting yourself trying to rationalize it for him, people learn when they want to learn, not when you tell them to x

[Asker]

Yes, he does have every right to not have the conversation. If he doesn't want it, he should just say so. Or ghost or whatever. That's fine by me. But I also have every right to ask for it. Or you disagree with that too?

[r0ddy]

No I don't disagree with that, it's just every action has a consequence. So if you want to continue asking him to have the conversation and ignore your friends advice, please be ready to face the consequences later!

Not trying to sound daunting there, but I've had friends who come for advice and never take it and eventually you stop giving it because you know it's pointless and they will do what they want, your friends have invested their time to tell you what is right to do, I myself have even invested time to tell you what to do, all from an outside perspective which if you're honest with yourself, is always much easier to see what's going on than when it's you in the situation.

I feel on that note you are going to do whatever you want, judging solely by your replies and I understand that and don't blame you, feelings will make us do some crazy stuff I've been there trust me. But like I said do not be surprised when you push him further away and annoy your friends with your recurring issues about a boy you had a one night stand with. Try think if the shoe was on the other foot :)

Hope you have a good day and best of luck in this situation x

[Asker]

Maybe you're right, maybe not. All I know is that doing nothing doesn't make anything happen. But thanks for objective opinions, means a lot. :)

Anyway, he said he's up for it. We'll see each other tomorrow, so who knows... maybe it turns our alright.

[r0ddy]

Best of luck and you're welcome :)

[Asker]

Hey, sorry for bothering you but something REALLY weird just happened to me.

Now that he agreed to meet up, I suddenly don't want it anymore. Like, I completely don't see a point in it anymore. I only feel pressure now, and to be honest I have no idea what to even talk about anymore. WTF is wrong with me?
It would be cool if I only invited him to hangout (without adding the "to talk about what happened"). I'm sure he'd be up for it anyway, but my pride didn't allow me to contact him sooner. I really do not understand what just happened to me. Maybe I just needed an assurance that he'd accept?

I think you are a smart guy, can you shed some light on this? xD

[r0ddy]

Hahahaha this is female nature to a tee. Unfortunately I'm a man, and this side of women has remained a complete mystery to us for years...
However I can say that as soon as he stops caring himself, or you feel that, I guarantee you will go back to feeling how you did before... Maybe it's anxiety, maybe as you said it's reassurance, but this is probably the number one killer of relationships and like I said men don't have a clue why girls are like it. Some men are like it too but generally only the ones that REALLY get around and feel like it adds value to their lives.

To summarize that waffle, my suggestion would be go through with it anyway, jump out your comfort zone, you won't know how you feel till tomorrow and don't go into it with any expectations. Maybe it's just easier to run away from it now it's real and not a fantasy, either way we grow everytime we push ourselves to do things we are scared/nervous/anxious to do!

Hope this helps, if not ask a girl friend 🤣 x

[Asker]

Haha yeah, sometimes we don't understand ourselves either!

I think this is what happens when a woman pursues a man, at one point it becomes a turn off. I'm 30 years old but, trust me, this never happened to me before. I guess because I never had to pursue before... dunno. Lesson learned, anyway.

I think you're right about that I should go anyway, I just didn't foresee that it will become something that I actually don't want. But if it starts feeling unbearable by tomorrow, I think I'll just tell him that something came up and can't make it. Then if he pushes for it too, then it will be a different story, I can do that if he also needs the talk. But I doubt that will happen, I think he will feel relieved.

Anyway, he and his friends know where to find me if they want me in their clan. If not, oh well. It does suck losing an opportunity for potentially great friendships because of one horny moment of weakness, but I guess that's life... Back to netflix and chill by myself.

[blutwolfe]

Nah do it, some guys be like that too not just women

[magiusX26]

to intial question, did not read beyond that. yes

[mrgspoter]

You made a mistake why u keep going bk to one lol

[Anonymous]

Leave him, he is an asshole.