Please share your personal experiences if possible. I'm asking for my best friend. So she is trying everything to fix her relationship and is truly sorry for betraying her boyfriend. She never wants to break up or leave him for or talk to the other guy. All she wants to do is forget the other guy and only thinks her emotional cheating started because her relationship needs seemed to be fulfilled in the other person - not because she actually likes him. She is certain that she still loves her boyfriend and is willing to try anything to make their relationship work. I'd appreciate the best answers you can offer for their sake. Thank you.
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How does someone heal from emotional cheating? Poll: can their relationship recover?
It's tough but healing is possible and while this might not be from experience, this is my advice.
Cheating can cause a lot of damage because it hurts trust.
Right now, he is thinking how can I still trust her and that's where we are at right now.
How can she regain the trust that she lost? And that I don't have a direct answer for... There is avoiding other men over time. But that hurt is still there, that scar is still there.
Letters might be a good way. As it gives him time to read them rather than pushing her away. I'd make sure she is careful to try to make one good solid letter rather than many, sorry and saying it will never happen again with discussion of the emotions she is feeling, pain yet not wanting to lose him...
All I can say to your friend, if this works, you got one last shot. So I'd keep that in mind. That this forgiveness, If it happens, likely won't again. Just know what you are committing to and stick with it, even if temptation is times ten. You have to be ready to say, nope, I have someone else.
As Jipayne said, relationships are built on trust. If you cannot trust your partner, the relationship will have difficulties.
If she was tempted by another emotionally, she should consider this a test of her love for her boyfriend and should look for ways to deepen her relationship with her.
Mort Fertel said to give presence, and if she is not in the moment with her boyfriend or thinking of him, then maybe this is her body telling her something that she isn't telling herself.
I hope that he is just as committed as she is to their relationship. But, there's always counseling for them to air their concerns to a third party.
Honestly, this mistake may end up saving their relationship and making it even stronger as it will show how much they truly love each other.
Please dont consider this to be "hate". I'll try to present an unbiased play by play of my own experience. Key word there? "Try".
Ok. Here goes.
In '07, i split with my woman. She and i had been together for 6 years. While we werent married, we were definitely family. So deeply rooted, or so i thought, that i never hesitated for a second when the chance to work for her father came about.
I guess i just got what i had coming to me. She was married when i met her. Yep. Married. With 4 kids. I stepped right up, like i both knew what i was doing and like i owned the joint. 23 yr old dudes can be a bit cocky.
Anyway. I worked a straight afternoon shift. Usually not a problem. But the kids went with their dad on Friday nights. So she, and my best friends ex husband, would go running around to the local bars.
Well, the 1st Friday night i had off in months, we made plans to meet up. She stood me up. didn't call or answer her phone. I blew into the neighborhood bar to have a beer before hanging it up for the night.
Behold! There she is. I see her before she sees me. So i was all settled when we locked eyes. And the smile on her face melted. She wasn't happy to see me.
I noticed this dude for some reason. He just looked too much like her was trying to blend in.
We agree to meet up a little while later. She blew that off too. I went to a local convenience store for a pack of cigarettes. I see our minivan pulling into the same store. The dude that was trying to blend in was driving. She couldnt drive AND suck this guys cock at the same time.
So i guess she was being responsible, if you wanna think of it like that.
I was destroyed. I couldnt believe what was going on. Its been a little over 13 years, and i still dont know how i didn't kill him, her, or myself.
Once the dust settled, we met for lunch. More of a "closure" kind of thing, i guess. One thing lead to another, and we went to my apartment. Then, at age 29, something happened for the first time in my life. Or... something DIDN'T happen for the first time in my life. I couldnt get it up.
Since i never experienced that before; or since, to tell the truth; i formed a theory about why that occured. I couldnt perform because my fingerprints werent on top.
Ill explain.
I knew she wasn't a virgin. But once she became "mine", thats when it started to matter to me who had touched her. Someone had his hands on her since i had.
Thats when i came to realize a simple truth about myself. I cannot "go back" to someone that betrayed my trust.
So here's the point. Once my trust is gone, its gone. It cannot be regained. Simply put, i would never believe one single story you would ever tell me. A person can't live a good life if they are always looking over their shoulder. I've come to understand that i expect this out of every relationship in my life. But im not a hypocrite. I offer that faith in my behavior to my wife. And she freely gives it to me. I mean, we dont even question it.
I am where i need to be. I live each and everyday offering her subtle, and outright blatant, reassurances that im the kind of guy thats worthy of the kind of love that the poets and musicians are talking about.
Sorry you went through that. I'm happy you found a woman who treats you way better. Yeah, I think physical cheating is unfixable. That's really awful... but the kind of cheating I'm talking about is not physical. It's when someone turns to someone other than their partner for the emotional needs that are not being met in a relationship that cross boundaries passed the friendzone.
I see. Well, where i come from... confiding in another is just as bad as turning to them physically... almost. Its like a 51/49 split, depending on the person and what they talked about.
Bearing ones soul is just as bad as bearing ones genitals. When they are done, they can wash off their genitalia, at least. Scrubbing someones fingerprints off their mind is practically impossible.
It depends on how he caught her and what was said between her and the other man. But actually it all comes down to the boyfriend and not her. She chose as an adult to make that mistake so she can be sorry or whatever but it is his choice now to stay or leave her. The chances of survival depends on his willingness to forgive and forget. Only him who need to decide that its worth saving.
Meanwhile she needs to accept how long his healing will take. She needs to be patient and accepting of his pain and doubts. And she needs to take extra measures to assure him. I doubt she will be as people who cheat usually are self absorbed in how they feel and how they felt and why they felt the way they did. Cheaters lack the ability to self retrain so that they don't hurt others. So usually they cheat and they expect other people to move from the cheating soon enough. Before they get tierd from being held accountable. So I doubt that she would really walk this journey of healing on his own terms but who knows maybe she is different.
by the way Saying the other guy is still lurking around is BS. If she's truly sorry she would cut him off entirely and completely for her man and stop the hypocrisy. It is her decision alone and not the third wheel.
Yes people do heal from emotional cheating. Do they heal with the person who caused it. Not always cause it may not be healthy nor even for that matter worth it.
Tell your friend to sit down and think about what she did. Then tell her to think about how her behaviour is little more than the self-centred antics of a child. She had an opportunity to address the issues with her boyfriend & instead decided to take the easiest cheapest means. She has proven that she is unable to discuss problems like an adult. She has proven that she can't be trusted not to cheat.
At the end ask her if she'd consider taking him back if he did the same.
Here's your statement about your friend: "her... cheating started because her relationship needs seemed to be fulfilled in the other person - not because she actually likes him." This is a death knell for your friend's boyfriend/relationship. Her relationship needs were fulfilled by someone OTHER than her significant other. What's wrong with that picture? Everything. DId she not solicit her needs from her boyfriend? Why did he then ignore her? And if that WAS his pattern in the past, what reason does she have to believe he will change? Especially after getting his ego wounded. I don't see how these two are good for each other. Neither of them are getting their needs met with each other. Might be best to cut their losses and move on. I'm unsure why she thinks going back to the person who WASN'T meeting her needs will make her fulfilled when it didn't before.
Thanks for your opinion but I'm looking for advice on how they can fix their relationship. I don't think she should give up on her relationship with him. She loves him a lot and clearly doesn't want anyone else. I think that's why there are a lot of divorces today because people give up too easily rather than trying to work out their problems. I know her boyfriend was happy and filled... all he needs to do is fill what's missing on her side and that's fixable as long as he puts effort.
I understand you care for the two of them and want things to work out. And she may love him. But it's what was going on inside their relationship that wasn't working. She couldn't ask for what she needed from him, OR she asked and he didn't give her what she wanted. She might not want anyone else, but unless they want to go to therapy together and try to work it out, I'm not that hopeful. The issue is IS HE ABLE to put in the effort when he didn't put it in before. And why did she give up on asking him about this. BOTH sides are lacking. Both will take lots of effort. It seems like there is a lot of dysfunction and it might be more realistic to move on. Have they been together a long time? How old are they?
Maybe you're right. It doesn't seem impossible but it does look like it will take 100% effort on both sides to fix things. I think therapy would be a good boost. They were together for over 2 years and are around my age.
OK, I'm going to quote statistics. They do have basises in fact: People are on their "best behavior" during the honeymoon period of relationships. This period lasts from six months to 2 to 3 years. At the end of this period, people show their real selves. The average time is 18 months. It sounds like they may have run their course with each other. Therapy will be a waste of money. They're young. Find someone you're more suited too. Very sad it's gone so awry. They need to be more careful in their next time out. Pull back and heal. In a year or so, they'll be ready to try again. It takes attempts and crash and burns before you can run the play right.
That’s sad to hear. I hope it doesn’t apply to them. I think it depends on the people too. Like I know that people make mistakes, but it doesn’t define them or mean they’re stuck like that forever as long as they’re willing to better themselves for their partner if they really love them. She really loves him and she’s the type to try her best to not lose something she loves and cares about. Also, they really don’t want to give up on their relationship.
Some couples are able to work through it, but it will take a LOT of effort and a huge amount of time. That's the question you need to ask yourself: Do you think it's worth going through so much time, drama, distrust, insecurity and emotional negativity to save the relationship? Are you even 100 % sure that it will work out despite all of that? If your answer is yes to both of those questions, then you can always at least give it a try. It works for some, and it doesn't work for others. Some people won't even consider trying to save the relationship after someone was unfaithful (emotionally or sexually), and others will. In my experience, it's very uncommon for people to be able to continue afterwards, but for the ones who CAN, it still takes a really long time, often years, for the other person to trust them again.
So, you're saying her emotional needs were NOT being met, so she went looking for (or found it temporarily in) another person? But then you use the word "seemed" ... seemed to be fulfilled... but she didn't actually "like him" ? This makes NO sense.
What "emotional needs" were seemingly fulfilled? How can you feel emotionally fulfilled with someone you don't even like?
Without knowing what she did, or what she's talking about being fulfilled, this makes zero sense to me. On top of it all, it doesn't sound like she even knows "why" herself. So what more can you add to this melodrama to enlighten me/us?
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Depends what exactly happened. It may not be "fixable"? What I would do is think about this in the reverse, how would you/she feel if it was him? That's likely what he's feeling as well and if it were you, could that be fixed? You/he would probably question everything after and if it was sincere or not? Like I say, it may not be fixable?
cheating is cheating. there no point of counting to the relatonship since the trust is gone. they he will cheat again. twice with a relationship that I did have in college. by the way I was one that stay loyal and the guy there were one that did emotional cheat. I broke up them. wasn't dating at the same time. different years and apart
Yes, it can. Not in every case, though. Some people just have it really hard when trying to move on from the emotional hurt and the relationship fails anyway after some time.
In whatever moment she made a decision to justify her actions, and no amount of sorry can change that she justified it once, she will justify it again.
Yes, others can heal from it I don't worry about healing because I dump her and move on.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
depends. the trust is gone and has been severely violated and it will take considerable time to rebuild and to regrow which is not an easy thing to do.
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Opinion Owner
+1 y
when she cheated multiple times with different guys, but recently (that nearly destroyed our relationship) it was when she kissed another guy then got engaged to him after knowing him for 4 months. she killed whatever trust was left. i love her but i sure as hell don't trust her and afraid to get emotionally close to her again after that. the screwed up part i had known her for almost 3 years at that point and proposed to her this past valentines (way before he ever did and way before she ever met him) and it took me a year and a half to two years to work up the courage to ask her to marry me after buying her a very expensive diamond ring only for her to kiss another guy and get engaged to him after 4 months. she betrayed my trust and nearly destroyed what me and her had which is why i'm scared and very reluctant and hesitant on getting emotionally close to her again. yes i love her with all my heart and soul but extremely extremely reluctant on opening up to her and being that close to her again after what she did
She was messaging another guy. She told him she has a boyfriend and everything when they started talking, but after some time when the guy revealed he had feelings for her, she didn’t say no right away or try to shut the convo down. She compared her boyfriend to him and how she wishes her boyfriend had some of his qualities. It looked like she would give him a chance if her relationship didn’t work out with her boyfriend.
Oh and she tried shutting down the convo but it was hard bc at the time, she felt like she enjoyed talking to him and she was reluctant to stop talking to him when he suggested they stop talking. He wasn’t helpful either bc he brought up that they should stop talking and still lingered to see if she would change her mind about her boyfriend.
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