Unsure of the relationship after not seeing each other for over a year. Any advice?

[sasamani]

Hi everyone! Hope you are all well and had a good holiday. So diving in, I’m 25 years old and am in physical therapy school in CA and my girlfriend is also in physical therapy school in AZ. Like the title mentions, we haven’t seen each other in well over a year partially thanks to Covid. Prior to the lockdowns, I had been the one going to see her and asked when she would come down to see me. However, she would always say it would be better I see her in her state each time I would ask. She has the ability to see me and when I confronted her about this recently she stated that traveling by plane or by car makes her nervous which is the prime reason for her not visiting me. I understand Covid is a big thing and respect her cautions. For me I just feel there is a lack of effort from her and I’m expected to make more of the sacrifice. Things have been fairly stagnant since we haven’t seen each other in such a long time and there is really no clear direction for the relationship. I have brought up these points and the conversations are hard to have since she cries through most of it and I’m just there comforting her. Thank you for the future input. Hope you all have a happy new year!

[Anonymous]

You guys are in different states and haven’t seen each other in over a year, and you always put in the effort to see her and that bothers you. However, I think there are other bigger concerns that you have...

You said that “things have been fairly stagnant... and there is really no clear direction for the relationship [and] she cries [when you bring issues up and you’re] just there comforting her.”

It sounds like you’re worried that she’s no longer interested in you, and you are aware that she can’t face things that upset her and work through them with you.

Although you’re far apart and she doesn’t like to travel, she still could be showing interest in you & your relationship through texting & talking on the phone.

You should talk with her over the phone and ask her whether her feelings for you have changed. If she says they’re the same, then you have a decision to make...

Whether you’re fine with hearing that from her and also her not traveling to see you, or if you “need more” expressed interest from her other than her traveling, or whether she’s the right woman for you.

[sasamani]

I appreciate your response. I did ask her how she feels about me still in one of our chats we had and she said she still loves me. And she agrees that things do feel stagnant as well. We did try to have study dates during the semester but that didn’t end up working since we couldn’t get our studies done. I won’t lie and say the length of the time not seeing each other has raised doubts in my mind and she potentially won’t travel until she gets vaccinated. She has mentioned she wants to come visit me before but still preferred me to travel which didn’t feel fair to me.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok, so she still loves you...

Does that make you feel better about about her and your relationship with her?

You had said, “there is really no clear direction for the relationship”... what do you mean by this?

Would you be ok if you were only one who traveled in the relationship? (Is she worth it to you?)

How do you feel about her crying when you bring up issues, instead of her being able to work through them with you?

[sasamani]

She does and honestly doesn’t change the feeling I have of it but I guess it’s that actions speak louder than words.

What I meant was that there is no plan to close the distance and still no plan to close the distance and really no travel plans in the foreseeable future.

I don’t mind traveling but I guess I would prefer it to be fair since she has said before that she’ll be the one to visit me after I visited her. It just feels like at times she just wants what is convenient to her, especially since she definitely has the capability to travel and has done some traveling of her own a while back pre-Covid. Which raises a red flag to me.

To keep it honest at first I felt bad since I felt like the bad guy for raising issues present and now when it happens it annoys me since we can’t really talk about things and find resolutions.

[Opinion Owner]

She still loves you, but it sounds like you’re always the “giver” and she’s the “taker” in the relationship. Even “pre-Covid” she expected you to be the one who sacrificed by traveling, although she would never do the same.. That sucks.

So “no clear direction” means “no plan to close / no travel plans in the foreseeable future.”... hmm... although it’s unfair, it seems there’s only one real & immediate “closure plan” that is available if she doesn’t want to “give” more: you “sucking it up” because you love her so you guys can see each other..

Her wanting what is convenient for her is definitely a red flag. and so is her not wanting to talk about issues and find resolutions with you.

You should send the following article to her and tell her you want to discuss it with her sometime (especially the Communication, Empathy, Flexibility, Reciprocity [give-and-take], and Healthy Conflict Resolution sections)...

www.psychologytoday.com/.../what-does-healthy-relationship-look

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks for the MHO.

[madgoat]

Long distance relationships are difficult even when it's an established relationship.
Do you video call her on a regular basis?
What is she crying about?

[sasamani]

I definitely agree to that. But we try to arrange video chats talking at least once a week but sometimes it goes longer than that since we both have conflicting schedules most of the time. She mainly cries whenever we have talks about some issues I raise up about the relationship.

[Avicenna]

Sounds like there is above all a lack of trust

[Iron_Man]

Go for it and see what happens

[Anonymous]

Maybe give it some time to see where things go