My boyfriend slept with someone else but he said I told him to, should I be upset?

Question

Yes it's true, 2 weeks ago I told him ''maybe it's better if we just have a casual, open relationship'' but it was during an argument.
I was sick of tired of him giving me ultimatums and then saying that if I make another mistake, he'll cheat by mistake. It was then I said all that and was like ''I'm going to register on a dating site today''. I admit, yes I did registered and got 10 replies so fast. I went out on a date but nothing happened.

But then he goes to sleep with another girl. Yes it's not cheating but can't help it... I'm still pissed. I don't just hop into bed too fast with strangers. Talking to guys online, flirting with them and going out on a date (wanting to know them first) is different than actually sleeping with someone so fast.

Nawlins34 · Accepted Answer

No, you asked for this.

Let me break this down.

"Yes it's true, 2 weeks ago I told him ''maybe it's better if we just have a casual, open relationship'' but it was during an argument." - I can't speak for other guys, you stating this during an argument doesn't give me the green light to sleep with someone else, If you said it like this, you were just floating it.

"I was sick of tired of him giving me ultimatums and then saying that if I make another mistake, he'll cheat by mistake." - If you threaten "cheating by mistake" prior to doing so, it's not a mistake. People are going to make mistakes, this is an unrealistic demand.

"It was then I said all that and was like ''I'm going to register on a dating site today''. I admit, yes I did registered and got 10 replies so fast. I went out on a date but nothing happened." - Doesn't matter, at this point you're paying the same price as if you did.

You shouldn't be upset. Him making unrealistic demands was your cue to end the relationship. You instead chose (through your inaction) to entertain his BS; this is the result of it.

He wanted to do this and you supplied the reason. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if he started the argument to goad you into saying this.

This is not a healthy relationship to be in and it would be best to end it if I were you.

because...

"... is different than actually sleeping with someone so fast." - Where did he find a woman to sleep with so fast? This is an indication that he had one in waiting."I have to admit it... part of me expected him to fight for me or act somewhat jealous. He didn't do any of that." - Because cheaters don't fight. And you're giving him permission with your actions to do what he's doing.

Again, this is not a healthy relationship, both of your actions say you don't care about each other - why continue this?

You asked, I answered. Be safe and good luck.

razelove · Accepted Answer

You can feel however you want, that's on you. Just don't judge, talk trash, or blame him for doing as you suggested, whether it was during an argument, spa treatment, or lovely talk on a coach.

He sounds like he was planning for it anyway, you don't line up another girl for an open relationship that fast, like 2 weeks is an understandable length of time for a ONS or something, but most women are fairly reluctant to get into an open or poly relationship.

I also don't get how you "accidentally cheat" is that like whiskey goggles, mistaking someone else for your SO, or more slip, fall, wake up with your penis in someone else? So, yeah, you can't hold it against people for doing what you say, you can feel pressured beforehand, and express that. You can also feel like it was a mistake and say that too. If you find no clear solutions there, then get with someone else.

I'm poly, and though getting with my wife allowed me to explore and figure that out, if things didn't work out for some reason, I wouldn't suddenly see the light of monogamy again. I guess the same way as monogamous people get confused and/or turned off by poly after initial curiosity is gone.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I honestly hate this post because it shows how huge the double standard is. You told him you wanted a casual open relationship, you then go and register on a dating site and even go on a date with some random. So, he goes out and fucks a chick and instead of taking any responsibilities for what you did to cause it, you are instead pointing fingers in his direction with the "yeah but he did this" excuse. Take accountability. It takes two and honestly, you have no room to be upset about this. You dont get to go out on a date with some dude while claiming to love and want your boyfriend and then get pissed that he did the same thing with an added step.

For the record, sex doesn't mean love. You can fuck hundreds of people and not feel a single hint of emotion toward that person outside of getting your rocks off. It doesn't matter if you would do that or not. He would, obviously, and he isn't you. Stop trying to compare it. Whatever dynamic you guys have is incredibly toxic. Why dont you just walk away so both of you can find the happiness that you obviously aren't giving eachother? Both of you are selfish.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

Yep, I agree with all the guys so far.

You were arguing.
You threw this idea into the ring.
You made a dating profile.
You went on a date.
You openly flirted with others, which he knew about.
You had 10 replies (competition for him.)
You did it as a test, but that's playing with fire, because many people actually want a side deal like this. So, yep, it backfired. Monogamy ain't for sissies.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

2 weeks ago I told him ''maybe it's better if we just have a casual, open relationship 'being able to see, date, sleep with other people... Isn't that what a casual open relationship'is 🤔 And you say you said it during a fight... But you still went on a date AFTER, right? You just mad because he took it further... Just because you didn't sleep with that person, you still went out with another man and he slept with another woman. Sounds like the open casual relationship "you" suggested... Or did you just mean it was ok for you to do but not really him 🤔... And that's why people should be careful of saying things they don't mean, Mean what you say and say what you mean...

Elocin614 · Answer

Oh my wow. I apologize early on for the offense, but you both are probably good people individually, but TOXIC AS HELL together! Most of the guys who responded to this I agree with.

Hon... You guys are both holding each other emotionally hostage, and that's not a relationship... that's mutual Stockholm syndrome. If you guys are at this point you need to let go of each other and move on before you guys emotionally screw each other up to the point you both screw up your next relationship because of the damage done in this one.

Yes he is wrong for cheating, yes you are wrong for cheating. There are no levels of who is more wrong here, and if you are trying to find that, that is yet again another indicator you guys both need to move on to a more healthy relationship.

Yes I said cheating, because obviously if you guys are in a polyamorous relationship you guys never discussed boundaries with each other otherwise you wouldn't be in this mess that is borderline a pissing match.

In the words of Elsa from frozen... LET IT GO!

shade_19 · Answer

So U make ur partner jealous.
what want him to burn for u while u go date other men?
Woaw. Niceeeeeeee. Such a clean intention.

There r different kinds of people, coz u r not comfortable with jumping with a stranger in bed doesn't mean others r not

In my sense even dating is cheating, while u have someone to love, u go out searching for patners
How is it fine?
Casual flirting with friends and dating are not same girl.

And anyways u confess that it was u who went first. That is after the argument you could have just left it, made a dating account? fine, u could forget bout it
But what u did? Went on the date

There r a lot of men who just want to fuk on dating sites, and they don't care who the person is, all they want is pussy
when saying 10replies then u r clarifying that there r such men there ready to have a casual date with u to make u feel comfortable to fuk
While it was just an argument, u literally told him that u r a girl and have a lot of options open for u,
So did he !
He replied to ur action by an action
He just told u that even he's not a loser who'll be crying and masturbating in a corner when u r not with him
He may not date but sex is still an option.

ZackBan · Answer

So:
You said open relationship
You registered on a dating site
You got 10 replies
You ACTUALLY WENT ON A DATE

And you're talking like he cheated. You created the scenario that lead to this what did you expect? That he wouldn't find anyone willing to sleep with him so he'd come rushing back? Well wadya know the man moves fast.

But honestly there is no such thing as breaks in a relationship and open relationships are just an excuse to fuck around like a single person while keeping an option always available and exchanging Valentine's day gifts and all that.

If you want this relationship you salvage it right now and go back to being exclusive but if you continue this path you can kiss him goodbye.
Especially if you sleep with someone else under the pretense of "he did it first" that's childish and will end it for you two.

So make a choice. A single life and 10 potential dates or a boyfriend and a steady relationship.

curiousscorpio89 · Answer

If your having arguments that lead to registering on dating websites and telling him you just want to be casual, then I hate to break it you but that relationship is over. The trust is gone on both ends. You've purposefully hurt eachother. The relationship was probably over before it even got to this point. People in healthy, happy relationships would never tell eachother that they want "casual" and they damn sure don't act on it. You are both guilty in this case. You need to move on from this toxicity and probably stay single for a while and take some time to reflect where this went wrong and learn from it.

Anonymous · Answer

Don't threaten something you don't really want to happen. Don't threaten to break up if you don't want to break up. Don't threaten to go to an open relationship if you want to be exclusive. Even if he didn't sleep with someone else, these types of comments erode relationships over time.

Do I think he was right for sleeping with someone else so quickly? No. But do I think you can reasonably fault him for that? No. For all he knew, he probably thought you wanted to sleep with someone else and were planning to act on it. He beat you to the punch.

As for him hopping into bed with someone vs. actually dating them... he probably didn't want the drama of any other relationship. He just wanted to get laid. I'm not a casual sex person, but in this case, I think actually dating the person and getting to know them before having sex almost feels like more of a betrayal. By then, there's some level of emotional or mental connection. It's not just physical.

magiusX26 · Answer

you are both in the wrong. he should not be doing ultimatums nor should he do the "i'll accidentally cheat" bs. that was your heads up that he ain't gonna stay faithful. you for throwing the open relationship thing while arguing and as for the "thought he would fight for me and (keyword here) get jealous". jealousy, especially the type you hoped to ellicit, is extremely unhealthy in a relationship. its also one if the most common mind games (hints at being a way to control another person) and if that alone was present i would leave a relationship immediately. not saying guys dont pull this childish bullshit jealousy too, but its historically been more prevalently used by women.

on top of all i just said add in what amanda said.

bobalife · Answer

Don’t try to have an open relationship if it’s going to cause more problems and hurt you. It’s hurtful he slept with someone ASAP. You guys can work on building a better communication on your needs and what you truly want in the relationship. If he can even said he has the potential to cheat on you if you made a mistake isn’t really a healthy nor respectful thing.. are you sure he’s what you want? Or I’m missing details here...

I hope you guys can build a stronger and solid foundation for your relationship 🥺

Anonymous · Answer

Nah, you don't get to throw a hand grenade into the relationship, tell him the relationship is now open, join a hook up site, GO ON A DATE, and then get pissed at him.

You did everything you possibly could to sabotage the relationship. Just because you are also too much of an emotional coward to actually sleep with someone, doesn't mean anything in this case.

You are 100% in the wrong. This is a prime example of why guys walk away in a fight because they don't want to say something they can't take back. You did though. This is entirely on you.

I would say the odds are excellent that in your rage, you thought he wouldn't be able to hook up with someone before you could. And you're really just pissed that he was able to beat you to the punch.

Hanzyxw · Answer

If you guys were not clear about the conditions and if you guys were still in a relationship so he just used what you said as an excuse to do whatever he wanted and he did acted bad and you too. But he did much further than you and I would not say you guys are in a relationship anymore if seeing other people is ok and if you did allowed him and that was an agreement I guess it is okay but as you said you guys were in a argument so I don’t you truly accepted that. Just leave him and find someone else and don’t say stupid things like that or go to dates with other people so you give opening for this and then you regretted

Dazed0N0Confused · Answer

No, you really don't have the right to be mad.
You told him you wanted to be in an open relationship.
You told him you were going to go on a dating site, you did, & went on a date.
It doesn't matter that he slept with the girl, YOU told him that this was the new arrangement YOU wanted.

Why would he fight if you are technically still together, but he could fuck whoever he wanted on the side?

He's doing exactly what you said to do.

EaterPeter · Answer

Yes. And do the course correction. Use it as an opportunity to improve conversation. Try to understand his point of view. That what makes him think you wanted him to sleep with some other woman. How did you conveyed that to him. He is probably taking you for granted or he has used something as free pass. Taking granted probably happens occasionally. Free pass on other hand I think is bigger problem. When someone blames you for their bad behavior. What ever original matter was which lead him to sleep with other woman If it was such a big problem. Both of you should have tried walking away from each other. This is probably something irreparable.

spartan55 · Answer

Your boyfriend, who issues ultimatums, and says he will 'cheat by mistake' doesn't respect you. I don't think he even likes you tbh. You expected him to 'fight for you and get jealous' ... 😂 😂😂 😂 This is another one if those myths that girls treat as fact. Just because a guy keeps you around and fucks you certainly doesn't mean he cares about you.
If you stay him expect more of the same.

Finchie40 · Answer

Bottom line is you are both wrong and selfish , and to be honest you 2 shouldn’t be together period , By you trying to make your boyfriend jealous and going on dates with other men makes you just as bad as him , You showed manipulative behavior and selfishness to gain and By him having sex with another girl just goes to show he doesn’t value you and respect you , So do yourselves both a favor, end your relationship together

Levin · Answer

He's sadistic to hurt you like that and to jump into bed with someone with no heed for your feelings.

But the whole relationship is toxic. Too much childish game playing and a wholesale lack of communication. I'd say you need to understand what dynamics are responsible for this.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

What can I say lol you also did everything it's just that you didn't got the person whom you wanted to have sex with so you didn't have it had nothing to do with him.

You are just pissed bc he was the first to have sex, you wanted to make him jealous but instead you became jealous.

And also what is it about you are making mistakes that he might cheat on you.

What mistakes is he exactly talking about that will encourage a person to cheat on you and which his acknowledging?

Twenty2 · Answer

You're an entitled bitch if you think he would be fighting for you after you went on a date. The moment you made the account on dating website, it was over. But you were one step ahead and went on a date too. So congratulations. You got what you deserve. And it seems like you were a pain in the ass from the beginning since he was giving you ultimatums.

johndugan11 · Answer

get tested, use condoms, make sure that you are taking care of yourself. and if he is struggling with a unhealthy penis in terms of skin care, I recommend you buy him a bottle of Man1 Man Oil (money back guaranteed) to give him (and you!) the best penis of your lives lol. cheers.

Screenwriter · Answer

This sounds like a messy, childish relationship. Someone can tell you to jump off a cliff. Do you do it? Of course not. He slept with this person to make you angry. He gives you ultimatums to control you.
Break up. This is all wrong and unhealthy.

AdithyaR · Answer

So you cheated and he cheated way more.
Both of you broke the faith of the relationship in your own ways. I'd say things ate beyond getting angry over at this point.
You both need asses the very fundamentals of your relationship and actually check if it even works.

My boyfriend slept with someone else but he said I told him to, should I be upset?

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