How to set boundaries in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I think my boyfriend takes me for granted and it's my fault. When he needs something, he calls me and I help him immediately. Actually he calls me almost only when he needs something or is bored. I would like him to respect me and my busy schedule. But I am afraid that if I don't respond quickly enough, he will just find someone else and we will lose this connection.
Any suggestions how to be more connected and show him that I have boundaries as well?

[coachTanthony]

-------------You don't set boundaries to punish them... you set boundaries because you love them and want the same respect in return. If he is the right person for you he will become more attracted to you because you actually have a back bone and put your foot down on what you deserve.

If you truly want to be respected by people you love then you must prove to them that you can survive without them. Set the boundaries.

"If you can't handle being hated or talked about then you aren't ready for success." Coach T Anthony @thedatecoach IG

[HairyPoppins]

Agree. MHO right here.

[Lyrem_]

Why so many dislikes i agree

[coachTanthony]

@lyrem_ GAG is looking into it! It’s happening in all my opinions!

[Lyrem_]

Oh ok perfect

[Synikal]

Makes no sense with the amount of dislikes. You're comment makes a lot of sense.

[Anon621]

I would like to give an alternative perspective from someone who has also had their boundaries crossed in a relationship. I personally think that you feel like the blame is on you which is normal. But think about this for a moment: what is the meaning of being in a romantic relationship? There are many different answers but if you really think about it one potential answer you can come up with is how both people in the relationship should take equal responsibility when someone crosses the line or when someone upsets the other person. Why should the blame only be on you? You clearly stated your boyfriend committed actions that broke your boundaries so I think in this case he should be responsible for his actions and I think it's important to discuss how you should both take responsibility. For example, every time he breaks your boundaries you can have friends around that can keep the distance between the two of you or if you don't want to be third wheeled you can also physically separate yourself and then say "you crossed my boundaries. Therefore, I will physically distance myself from you for failing to respect my boundaries and we can have an open discussion as to why this happened and what we can do individually to prevent this in the future." To give a quick example if you want some potential ideas, he can verbally re commit to you and not touch you for X number of days and then you can tell him why your boundaries are important so that way he remembers for the future and if he crosses the line again you can physically distance yourself which I think is a good non verbal indicator of saying "please stop"

[Anonymous]

Next time say no that ur busy with whatever and see if he’s going to ask about it later. If he doesn’t, don’t text call or reply to his text til he asks u what’s wrong. If a couple of days goes by and y’all haven’t spoken or written to each other then he doesn’t care. Why would u want to be with a guy like that. If he does ask u why u have been ignoring him then u tell him straight up that u feel neglected and used etc… if he wants this relationship to work he has to change.

[Adam1978]

No you should be clear with your communication, the silent treatment has the maturity of a 5 years old. He shouldn't need to figure out shit, you should tell him what you think and expected. Then he can decide if your worth continuing to talk to or if it's time to bail. Because by being silent you are telling him your not interested in resolving your issues. So why should he?

[natured]

Does he respond to you just as quick? Is he available for you when you need him? I think you know the answer to this...
If he truly loves and respects you he will respect your boundaries, if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you on the first place.
I think you should try and say NO just to see how he will react. Tell him i can't right now, i will do it later.

[ChiTown33]

Sounds to me you need to work this out in your head first. Think about what you're saying.
You're essentially saying that you don't raNk high enough in his life to lay down some boundries with out him packing up and finding a new girl.
Have some respect for yourself. You're deserving of equal respect! If you have to worry about receiving it I think you need to ask yourself am I with the right person. And if this repeatedly happens to you in relationships you might ask yourself is it you? Are your expectations too high.
Good luck.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Yes absolutely, although those boundaries are easier to set as the relationship starts.

The important thing though is to not do it in such a way he feels the relationship is going backwards. Nobody likes that.

You need to wean him off slowly

[Anonymous]

actually when you mentioned schedules it reminded me of a few years ago when i was talking to the person i love and i told them that i didn't want to contact them or bother them while they were working and to let me know when they got off work so we could talk. that's how you have to do it. and whenever they're working i either ask them how work is going or wait until they're done before contacting them. which is what you need to do set boundaries let this person know when you're working and when you'll be done that way you's two can spend time together make time for each other when your schedules aren't in the way. even when i'm working what i'll do is send a quick text to that person just to say hi and i was thinking about them. making time for this person because i want to not because i have to but i keep it short and brief though while i'm working and get into long conversations when i'm done with work

[roy_ricky09]

Forgive my rudeness, I think it's already too late and you have already revealed your biggest weakness.
If you try to set boundaries now, it will become bitter and would eventually lead to what you fear or maybe it already has, that's why he calls only when there is a need.

[monkeynutts]

Love is good but he should respect that you have expectations. If he doesn’t, then it’s not a serious relationship. Or either he needs to mature a little. It’s a gamble, because if he gets defensive, and decides that you and him are not ment to be. Well maybe you just don’t have to tell him anything, just answer your phone when it’s appropriate.

[Jamie05rhs]

You need to find a balance and compromise. He has his needs and you do as well. Neither one of you is more important.
Since you have a busy schedule, I would recommend working time for him directly into your schedule. That way you can keep things organized and still get done what you need to do. Tell him what his hours are. And tell him that when you're on "MY" time, he shouldn't call you unless it's an emergency.

[perfectchaos]

Boundaries are very important in any relationship. It is important to effectively communicate that with him and for him to respect them. I have seen what happens when they are violated.

[Flirt254]

You shouldn't be worried always about someone leaving you clearly in this relationship you are... you should tell him how what he does or expects from you makes you feel if he doesn't understand then you know what you'll need to do

[HairyPoppins]

First you have to establish what they are then be ruthless in keeping those standards. I love a woman who knows what she wants and what she won't tolerate. As the Coach said below it is super attractive to high value guys.

[he-takes-a-part]

haha practically he would only clinge to you if you start to response late and ignore him aur reschedule yourself talking to him or tell him you are just busy to get it done as of now.
You can text him in while taking it from behind from me baby.

[Anonymous]

If he finds someone else just because you don't do something immediately, it is not relationship it is slavery. I don't mean he does, I mean don't afraid of that if he chooses to left take as dodging bullet

[moejoeloli]

He will never respect you as long as you don’t respect yourself. Believe in yourself girl

[Iron_Man]

Come up with a good game plan with the set of rules and talk to him about it and enforce it

[jasco]

You just gotta put your foot down and tell him that this can no longer happen.

[Rok4bakAR]

It’s very easy treat people like how they treat you not more not less.

[Sky-93]

Never, ever allow another human being to disrespect or devalue you in any way. Whether verbally, physically, emotionally and so on.

[michael1469]

So not in to BDSM for you huh?

[Bklynbadboy12]

Just tell him how you feel and always remember no one with take you seriously until you take your seriously

[Shihab91]

he will find someone? wow , just tell him you are busy try to balance it

[SpaceGalaxy]

Dump his F-ing ass and let him come to you and beg,

[drexel420]

We have this thing to communicate with not thumbs fuck what was it no mutoh mhtuo oh yeah a mouth we set boundaries by telling them what they are