Help, my boyfriend took away my access to his phone, laptop and changed his passwords and my anxiety is going in to overdrive what can I do?

[Anonymous]

I've had his passwords since early on because I have bad anxiety about being cheated on and regularly check it, anyway lately he's told me to stop going through his messages but I just can't help it and he told me I do it again and he'll change it all so I tried being more discreet but he realised that some messages that he hadn't seen yet are marked as read and confronted me and I broke down and cried and admitted it so now he said he's going to make me go cold turkey and learn the hard way since I can't be trust not to invade his privacy.

I need that access back how can I convince him? Please help my anxiety is going nuts!

[HollyK21]

Honestly if you can’t let go of your insecurities then you need to let him go and work on yourself. Maybe you can’t see it but what you’re doing is extremely toxic and quite controlling. I don't know if he cheated in the past but if you did, then when you made the choice to get back with him you ultimately decided to let all that go and move forward. If he didn’t cheat and someone else did in the past then it is not fair to make your current boyfriend constantly pay for what someone else did. If you don’t fix this behavior you risk losing him entirely because even the most patient person will get sick of always being questioned and monitored like a child.

[HollyK21]

*but if he did*

[ProCoffeeAntiSleep]

I don’t think I’m going to say anything someone else hasn’t already said. This isn’t healthy for you or him.
I understand you have anxiety and that can be very difficult, but you have more responsible for your own mental health than anyone else does. Attempting to control someone else behaviour, let alone punish them for something they haven’t done only to ease your own anxiety is selfish, mean, and will also only make your own anxiety worse.

But in an attempt to give some kind of advice, ask yourself what pacifically you are attempting to achieve? Why you are scared of him cheating? What will actually happen if he cheats? And if there is anything about that reality which is worse than this one?

[FriendlyDrugDealer]

First off, your boyfriend was wrong for giving you access in the first place, that’s the only thing he is guilty of.


Second, now everything else is all you. your anxiety whether it’s something medically diagnosed or past bad experiences with partners isn’t his responsibility, it’s yours. That’s your baggage to deal with and not his. So if you must see a therapist then highly recommend you do. If you can’t have trust and faith in your partner then you don’t really have a relationship, you have to do better than that

[MissGeorgia]

I’m not sure if this is a real question or not. No one had an automatic right to be going through someone’s phone or anything else.
I’ve never even picked up my Partner’s phone and vice versa.
Everyone has a right to privacy.
if you don’t trust him, you shouldn’t be in a relationship

[MissGeorgia]

It’s not a guarantee for anyone that they won’t be cheated on. Nobody has that 100% security

It all comes down to trust, and if you haven’t actually found anything in his phone to suggest he has cheated on you, then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you can’t trust him, then maybe you need to be single and work on yourself for a while.
Speak to a professional about your issues, seek some tools to develop some healthy coping skills for your anxiety in general and work towards achieving a more balanced mindset, then take it from there.
It must be so hard for your boyfriend. Like I said, it doesn’t sound like he has cheated on you and he is trying to build a solid relationship with you, and yet you don’t trust him, through no fault of his own.
You need to work on yourself otherwise you will push him away for good.

[admles]

You honestly need professional help.

This is NOT healthy in a relationship, people need and have a right to their privacy.

You really need to get into counselling immediately and work on these issues.

TBH, you're lucky. Had I caught my girlfriend doing this, she'd be my ex-girlfriend very rapidly.

[iseekpinetrees]

Yea you need to get over your insecurities. Not every guy cheats. If you don't trust him don't date him. I have my husband's info but do I look at his shit never. Never have it cared to see what he's doing why because it's not my business. If a guy ever cheats on you it's his loss not yours. And if he does you just pack up n move on and not dwindle in the past.

[spartan55]

You are nowhere near mature enough, or ready for a relationship. I would suggest seriously addressing your mental health.

[MzAsh]

This.

[Anonymous]

"he told me I do it again and he'll change it all so I tried being more discreet"

You tried being more discreet... DID IT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU TO TRY NOT TO DO IT?

You are too immature for a relationship. You don't trust your boyfriend, and without trust you have nothing. So break up. And grow up.

"I need that access back how can I convince him?"

No. You need to grow up. Your insecurity is no longer his problem to fix or deal with, IT'S YOURS.

[doopayo]

I think you should seek a therapist. He has a right to his privacy and it’s unhealthy to just assume that your partners going to cheat on you, try couples therapy or personal counseling. I’m not sure he likes to have to overshare with you.

[ToastyOats]

Just get with a guy who won't cheat. You might have to study male psychology. You might have to date a guy that is a 6 instead of a 9. The best way is just get to know his friends and if he going around they will let you know, most of the time, becauae people like gossip. Spying on a guys phone after he asked you to stop is grounds for breakup in my opinion.

[HollyF]

You need to learn to get over that anxiety because what you're doing to him isn't healthy. I know that's easier said than done but you do need to start working on it.

[MTC29]

Never mind changing his passwords, I hope that he changed the locks on his doors to keep you out of his house! I urge you to seek counseling.

[Taylor_C]

Your boyfriend did the right thing. You need to be able to trust him not to cheat on you. You may benefit from addressing your lack of trust and anxiety issues with the help of a therapist.

[TommyMountainFigure]

Look at it this way. In the time you've had his passwords, has he ever given you reason to doubt him?

If not then I think you can be sure he isn't cheating on you by now.

[Tututwerl09]

I have this same issue where I want to look through his phone but I dont Nd I dont think I will which causes me more self esteem issues lol fml

[Rogue77]

If you can't trust him, you don't deserve him. You need to grow up, and stop being a psycho. Fix yourself.

[EtherielQueen1]

This is your issue not his, you need help to deal with your anxiety and paranoia honestly

[msc545]

I think you just have to live with this or find a new boyfriend. I would have never given you access to my private stuff to begin with. It's not your boyfriend's job to fix your anxiety problem. See a therapist.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Break up with him. He’s unlikely to ever give you access again.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I am NOT endorsing your behavior. Your boyfriend did not cheat on you and he was totally right to deny you access to his phone. Everyone deserves privacy. I’m just saying if that’s your bottom line, this guy’s not gonna give it to you.

[Tomsta]

Seek professional help. This points to a underlying issue normally if you were let down by a caregiver early on it can cause lasting trust issues

[Anonymous]

Grow up child.
All this snooping around is nothing but trouble.

[Tstrbrainer]

Leave him, he deserves better.
I'm surprised that he still haven't ended your relationship

[Anonymous]

Not sure you can. You might try to explain that is a compulsion and goes beyond trust, and can he help you by letting you have open access.

[Luckycharms12]

Why do you need to see his phone or laptop surely there should be trust

[NightHawk99]

Quit snoopin through his shit. That makes you look more suspicious than he ever will be.

[WowwGirl]

You need medicine

[friendzoned4life]

Stop being a psycho