Have you ever been subjected to a bad relationship?

[lilyanony1]

I was reading an article recently, a woman had 3 kids for a man and he would really abuse her. Beat her but only hit her in places she could cover and made her bite a pillow so the kids couldn't hear.
Anyways it didn't stop there, although she worked and he also worked earning a good salary. He used to give her £40 a month to live in. Things were so bad she started washing her sanitary items so she could feed the kids.
When she got a rash he accused her of cheating and beat her further.
I couldn't read more as it was just too intense for me.

But have you ever dealt with such things and got free?

[DizzyDesii]

I wouldn't allow it to get this far. If he hits me, his liil hoeass gettin hit back. If it was a playful one time only hit, i may overlook it and still be with him. If it was a serious hit, its one and done.
The closest i came to this was when i was younger. I was young and dumb but ik my self worth so i wouldn't make that mistake again. But after he tried to forcefully put his dick in my mouth, i bit the shit as hard as i could til my teeth were imprinted in the tip.
He slapped me off then chased me and tried to choke me to death. It was the only time he ever got physical and i felt it was a pass because i bit him. But i only bit him cause once again he forced himself on me.
So he may not have been a “beater” but he surely kept giving rapey vibes and i shouldn't have stuck around. Years later another dude told me he’d rape me if i didn't have sex with him sooner than later. I absolutely left him. Apart of me hated to because i felt it was trauma related from when his babysitter raped him when he was 12. But still it was no excuse and i broke things off.
didn't realize that on the side, he was starting to mess with some underaged teen (like his babysitter did him). I was more than happy i ended things with him and actually talked the girl out of getting with him and told her what he was doing wasn't okay. She kept saying he just seemed nice and she wanted his company but not for him to keep trying to convince her to be sexual. She even said she’d report him to the police but I don't know what happened because i didn't stick around.
If i was in the situation the lady you mentioned was in, i wouldve left first hit because thats now risking my kids life. I could never risk their lives for some bum ass relationship. I don't know what she was thinking but we’ve all had our naive moments ig

[lilyanony1]

You're a badass! 👍🏾

[DizzyDesii]

Thank you 🙏

[meetkitty123]

Yes I have
In the case of experiencing abuse from a man it was not as bad as that dear woman I feared more for my child and I escaped.
I suffered from child abuse. Beat daily for hours on end. I had a wooden broom broken on my back, hit with pots and pans, went to school with a black eye and these thing were mild compared to the rest. I suppose knowing what it was like to be hurt as a child was what gave me strength to run and protect my own.

[lilyanony1]

So sorry to hear that. I'm glad you are safe now. Now the healing.

[meetkitty123]

Thank you

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Yes, but not very much thankfully.
I've had the luck of finding mostly good people and those that were ''difficult'', so to say, just needed a push to turn around their lives and live in more positive and constructive way.
The core point of this way to relating and leading people is simple - thank whoever helps you, and be ready to forgive whoever crosses you.
Forgiveness is especially important, almost more to my own wellbeing than those of people who hurted me. "Forgiveness is good for the heart." is not just a saying, but a reality. It is scientifically proven that not constantly harboring anger and resentment and keeping a more permissive attitude contribute to improving the functioning of the cardiovascular system. I almost died on keeping grudges and would have most likely died within one or two years if I didn't learn to forgive and get forgiven.

Forgiving is not always easy, but it is necessary to do it in order to take the path to happiness. A first tip to do this is to ask yourself the question "Is it worth it?": Unless the wrong committed by the other person is really serious, most of the time the answer is "No". Forgiveness not only makes you feel good from a physical point of view, but also from a mental point of view, a fundamental step to be happy: no longer carrying a grudge and empathizing with the other, you can feel a "real weight" lift from your soul.

[lilyanony1]

Wow what would you have written if I asked you to help to understand forgiveness?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Uhm, I think I'd write what I said to that person who hurt me very much and asked why I didn't hate them during a long clearing talk.
As in - people can be bad, but are they really that bad if they do take accountability for their actions? When you see that even if they did bad things or hurt someone, but understood what they did wrong, can you still hate them? I find it really hard to hate people - I can hate the things they did, but not them. When you see they really want to talk with you, you see they are human beings like everyone else, with their feelings and expectations, who laugh and cry all the same... their laughs and their tears mean that you aren't dealing with a monster, but with a person - a person who did bad things, but like everything in life, they have also done good things.

That's in my experience, at least. I've been accused of having done to one extreme to the other - from being quick to remind people their mistakes and hold grudges for a very long time, to becoming too forgiving and wearing rose-colored glasses especially when dealing with close people who have hurt or abandoned me. One of my sisters even accused me of ''rewriting'' family history to present an educolrated and too positive image of my parents, but I think that she just prefers to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

It's her choice. After all, you can see the glass as half-empty or half-full, I've tried both and honestly feel much better in seeing it half-full.

[lilyanony1]

I understand. I'm not sure of your culture but I am a woman of colour. Culturally and through discussions with my peers in similar and other cultures men are more favoured. They may be tough on their sons in an attempt to drive them to success and will push them to reach their full potential but the rewards gained from success are very high. Whereas for daughters sometimes they can lack in finding the right balance between love and tough love. Daughters need that push but the scolding and hypercritical parenting that can come can also become the demon that lives in their head long after they've left home. This actually prevents the person from ever truly finding peace.
You know they say a woman's work is never done, the same for the criticism, it later becomes about how good a wife you are, your weight, when you have babies, whether you prepare the meal properly, how you keep the home, how you look after your husband, whether you look young or tired, it's constant.
I'm not saying this to disregard what good your parents display but sometimes it can be too much, you always feel like you're not good enough. Even when you try to forgive your parents they rehash at those old wounds and you may never be able to detach from the pain. A friend or a lover that causes you pain, they will leave your life, your family your stuck with, if it's traumatic seeing them will allow for those feelings to resurface.
I know because I'm dealing with a similar situation myself.

[lilyanony1]

And it's not because I'm not positive, I was always a happy child, all my childhood photos show this. But as for my life, I've endured more than one really should with 2 near death experiences.
I keep rebuffing myself only to be knocked again. It's something we all really need to consider. Is it us or sometimes is it the world we are living in. Because I know I give good. These days I don't offer very much at all. I'm closed off. But it's to protect myself. Maybe you'll say I need to forgive the world. I don't know but it's not always about focus. I often focus on the good people and things in life but the bad sometimes just keeps hammering away.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I understand the kind of issues you have gone through, especially regarding race and gender, and that's why I'm pretty unconvinced the rest of the world can truly progress. My cultural environment is considered an anomaly where I live as well, and some people even slap the label of ''cultish'' on it, but honestly I was way unhappier when I rejected it. The best thing of this living belief - inaugurated by my grandfather - is that gender plays no part in the education. My oldest sister was the chosen heir as head of the family, and I took her place because she refused and decided she wanted to do something else in life. Otherwise, she would be the one getting groomed to take the leadership.

I'm sorry you've had to go through bad experiences. I can understand the trauma people can inflict and how seeing them again can make the traume resurface - it happens to me as well with some people who hurted me, especially a very close one. My way of dealing with it was to train my mind to imagine those bad memories as dust that gets carried away in the wind. Once they are gone, how can I see or relive them again? They do come back, but every time fainter and fainter. Hopefully, one day I'll have completely erased them.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, taken advantage of and have suffered near-death experiences - those are things that do scar for life, but if you're willing to take care of yourself and work on yourself, scars can fade away until you can almost not see them anymore. I myself used to be very different than I am now and in someone's words ''broken''. But after a long work, I've moved away from that person I once was - that person is no more. He's dead. So I can't carry the grudges of a dead person, but I can learn from their experiences and take the positive out of them.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I'm sure you are a very good person and you give a lot of good. The world is not a kind place, but there's also the advantage that it changes significantly based on how you see it. ''The world as will and representation'', is the title of Schopenhauer's most influential work, and the book does a good job in demonstrating how the world changes shape based on our perception. That's how I see people and the world - my perception gives them shape, so I know how to treat them - when to smile and laugh, and when to ignore them or give them the basic recognition.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

My advice, naturally if you find it useful, would be to train your mind that people have the value and weight that you give them. It's not easy, but once you stop worrying about people's expectations and pressures, life does become much more pleasant. What matters, is that you know you are good and in the right - everyone's else opinion is secondary.
My partner jokes that I behave like a secular saint of sorts at times, but equanimity is key to live a long and good life. My grandfather went through WW2 with this mindset, saved the town from the Nazis and endured the fascists' beatings with his mindset, even though he was a young boy - this is proof that it works even in the most desperate situations. He was determined to not get broken and he didn't get broken. He lived up to 84 years of age, lost his wife early, got threatened during the Years of Lead, someone shot at his car, he got kidnapped once, his son - my father - ran into Eastern Germany and almost got arrested here, and he never stopped smiling.
That's my philosophy in life, and sometimes he always said ''Be calm. You have to when things depend on you, or you'll make mistakes. Be calm also when things don't depend on you, because you can't do anything about it anyways and fretting could actually make things worse.''

When you are good, when you are right, you just know it, and all the wrongs in the world can't completely break you as long as you grasp this knowledge and continue to do good, for yourself and the people around you.

[lilyanony1]

Here's an idea. I stopped. I stopped listening to these people. When a awful thought mostly rehashing of past words appear I tell it to go away.
I'm sure if I was around another person they'd say I was crazy. But I'm not!
I push beat them up verbally.
They happen less and less and I focus on finding the light.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

That's a good step as well. Don't let negative and toxic people stop you on your way to happiness.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

My first relationship was with a girl who I treated like gold but she took advantage of my kind heart

[lilyanony1]

That's really bad. When we're young we break the good people and if we're the good one we get broken. It's weird really life teaches you not to be so kind to just any body and if you are repeatedly broken you end up kinda hating the world!

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

@lilyanony1 Yeah it can be bad and she was age 21 and I was age 28
at the time

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Thanks For Most Helpful Guy :)

[lilyanony1]

You're welcome x

[karaspara]

Yes don't think i've ever had a good one but I hold out hope

[lilyanony1]

I'm really sorry to hear that. X

[karaspara]

Thanks hun X

[t-8900]

God I'm going to have to just keep a copy of my f***ed up early life so I can just start copying and pasting 😂. Basically pedo female teacher, abusive/neglectful mother, and cheating gfs my entire time in relationships.

[lilyanony1]

OK, I'm sorry this is what you've endured. Did you seek help? Report your teacher?
As for the girlfriends, just as hard as it is for the ladies to find a decent guy, the calibre of women is really odd. Me included. We're all a little more messed up than our parents anticipated. Maybe it was too much freedom, or exposure to radioactive waves I really don't know... (sorry to joke was trying to lighten things) I still live in hope that if I get my crap together I'll find someone decent. It's just for now I'm in a "phase". Not figured out the name for it yet... And with that being said so will you.

[t-8900]

I never reported my abuser and never will. Men don't bring that stuff up

[exitseven]

Well, once I was involved with somebody who was abusive towards me. She was abused herself nd I never really blamed her. It really was not a bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

I was involved in a abusive, toxic 'friendship' with some unfortunate romantic entanglements but I left her after I'd more than had my fill. Never again.

[legalboxers]

my ex.. who still is married. and uber toxic. Who dumped me a year ago, and is on guy #14..

[ChiPaPa]

Nope. Never had a relationship. Never will. I don't want to live now

[lilyanony1]

It's important you remember you are loved. There are people that will miss you.
Today is a new day, and something good even if small happens everyday focus on that. Love is such a small part of our lives, but we can find love through other relationships, in friendships, in the pets we own, our family.
Those tbh carry more importance than the love relationship with a partner, mostly because we are usually at our most free within them.
In time the right one will come along.

[EaterPeter]

Yes.