Is it ok not to believe in ''I love you'' anymore?

[Anonymous]

A long-term lovebomber that never wanted to form a family (he purposely lied about wanting kids) and owes me money ruined it. He was going to continue wasting my time until his mother accidentally answered twice. The mother was totally clueless about any future plans. She actually said negative things about her son; that he's lazy, stresses out for no reason, owes her money too and how she's worried about him getting no where in life nor having a stable relationship.

I will no longer get excited anymore if a future boyfriend says ''I love you'' or ''you're the love of my life''. It means nothing to me anymore. I don't care about the butterflies in the stomach nor ''oh I'll be with you forever'' bs. I'll treat it as if it was a scam. I won't believe you... unless the real thing happens; having kids.

[loveslongnails]

I get your sentiment, but I have to tell you - getting married, or not, and having kids, isn't a "sign" that a guy loves you either. Love is an active thing, not just words. Anyone can say "I love you", but if they don't treat you like they do, it's meaningless. Some guys will tell you "I DO you love you, I just don't know to express it". While there can be some pieces of truth in that, it's certainly not enough to excuse a lifetime of horrible treatment.

You'll know next time when it's the real deal. Just wanted to think on the idea that it doesn't necessarily present itself with a man who is willing to settle down and give you babies. Don't base your hope on that alone.

[Asker]

Yes true I've also heard horrible stories of a couple women that met a terrible guy like my ex boyfriend but he proceeded to getting married. Those girls got trapped with a narcissists. I have to agree that would suck 100x. I think the only luck is I didn't have kids with that bad person.

At the same time I can't deny that settling down and having at least one child with someone that loves me is one of my goals. I still want this. The thing is I can't take too much time anymore. I'm 34 now.

[Asker]

I definitely do want at least one child.

[loveslongnails]

I understand what you're saying. If you want to chat more, follow me and say hi.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to say this but this is what modern society has done to a lot of you girls. It's fried you out. You need to seek either a therapist or a religious authority or group to help get your life in order. If you've had multiple sexual partners... well there's a science behind it. Women who exceed 4 partners are very, very unlikely to find happiness as fast and easily as girls who didn't put out. for guys after 7-8 partners they fall into the same boat. You can look into pairbonding and all that. We aren't made to have numerous partners like people think. We are meant to be able to move on a few times because if one of our's died we could move on and continue to procreate. We can think we are so amazing and advanced but at the end of the day we still have those lizard brains from 300,000 years ago. Wishing you all the best hun. It's not your fault society lied to you and so many other girls.

[Asker]

I have no religion and I'm unsure about the existence of a god (I don't deny it but neither do I fully accept it). My stance used to be fully atheist but now it has soften to an ''maybe there is a possibility of its existence, I don't know''.
I would like to add, that's the only single man I've ever slept with. In addition, he also lied to me about his real age for years. He met me when I was 19 years old (I was a virgin) and pretended to be a 21-22 year-old guy. For years I thought that was his age, only for him to then tell me (as if it was no big deal) that he was really 30 years old.

[Opinion Owner]

thats why i said you could also see a therapist about it. It really depends on your background. his age wasn't a big deal. You were both consenting adults and into him. At some point you are no longer a child and make your own decisions in life. 19 is old enough and informed enough to make some level of decision for themselves. thats why they have the right to vote, drive, and go off to war. you should have brough him around dad unless you didn't have one. In which case it's going to be that much harder for you to gauge a good man in your life. But I swear there are lots of good guys out there who are just as disheartened as you and need a woman who can appreciate them and build them up the same way they want to build you up. Where are you currently looking for men?

[Asker]

This fool then try to forced me to believe in God and the bible just for the sake of it. He preached too much about how he was honest, never lied, never used people, etc. All that only to find out he was a truly disgusting and horrible person, a future faker... making me believe he would come to my country, that we would reunite once again and get married and have kids. He even owes me money too; $1,300 he'll never pay back.
I actually did sought a psychologist last month and it helped. She told there was nothing wrong if I didn't have any religion nor even believe (or doubted the existence of a god) in a god. No one should forced you or pressure you in a relationship. She labelled him as a narcissist-sociopath. I was indeed dealing with a cruel, bad person that lacks empathy for even his mother.

[Opinion Owner]

ah you got catfished. Yes he's a professional scammer or a conman. he's not representative of men, sorry. That's like a credit card scammer being compared to the credit card company. he just takes money from gullible people. It doesn't help but that POS will get his one day, I promise you that. This life or the next. You can believe what you want its np. I believe in God and I've lived through some crazy shit, life and death stuff too. If it wasn't for finding Christ I would have offed myself when I was 24. When I found God I was put through some difficult tests but then greatly rewarded later on. I think I finally found my honey. We are planning to try for children in 2 months. I used to believe I would never find love, that the world is too messed up. Please dont give up. Do you have a nickname I can call you? I'll add you to my prayer list. Give God a chance, have a personal relationship with Him. You dont need to go to church. Just read on your spare time. God Bless, wishing you a happier, brighter future and a long and fulfilling life <3

[Asker]

My nickname on my pastry instagram is pastryfreak. I like doing pastry and cooking some dishes on my spare time. I guess you can call me pastryfreak if you want to.
I'll add another information on one of my replies. This scammer was obsessed with my cooking, with food and wanted me to already become a great cook (the professional, chef style types), to already progress on my food business. All I got for now is a small online bakery and food account (it's making a couple sales but not much for now) but he wanted me to become successful. I figured it all out... he was after money too. He was after my grandma's house/rent too. He would've married me for the wrong reasons, not to form a family but to get 1/2 of my future business income and all assets. I would've been in my 40's by then and my fertility years gone.

[Asker]

I'm glad to hear things worked out for you. Thank you for your replies. Hopefully, I find someone that loves me for who I am, not for my money or his needs.

[Opinion Owner]

Pastryfreak? I'll call you Pat or Pattie if you dont mind lol. Something about using the word "freak" while talking to God seems wrong. Wish you success in your food business though. Gold digger women are shitty but gold digger BOYS are downright pathetic. Its fine for a woman to be the bread winner. It's not fine for a man to be a sponge.

[Juststrollinagain]

Haven’t you heard that love is just a losing game. Don’t play sweety. It’s what you believe, alright?

[Asker]

I will not be very sweet anymore. I won't believe in anything until proven with actions.

[Ninani]

You got burned, so what. Learn from it instead of ruining your life with fear.

[Asker]

I'm trying. I still want a child though.

[Staximus]

Having kids is not a measure of love. I know plenty of couples that broke up after having kids, their relationship couldn't handle it. It's a bigger test than anything when it comes to relationships. Sounds like you just chose the wrong guy, it happens. Don't let him run your outlook on love. Learn from your mistakes and re-evaluate the way you choose a guy.

[Asker]

Come to think about it, I chose wrong. There was nothing good about him (he rarely smiled on pictures, was into clubs and parties and always broken) and my mother never liked him. She was right the whole time. I'll know listen to my mother's judgmental if she tells me something is wrong and choose wisely.

[Staximus]

Listen to your mom

[Dragonpurple]

Sorry that happened, not all guys are that way. Don't ever loan someone money though, bad idea.

I hope you find someone worth your time one day.

Did you meet this guy in person or not, I'm not clear on that part.

[Asker]

I met him in person long ago in 2006. I was 19 at the time and he was really 30 but I didn't know that. He lied for years about his real age; telling me he was 21-22 years old.
Then by May 2007, I had to return to my country and it became a forever long-distance relationship with the promises that he would talk to immigration lawyers, fix my case and get married. It was all a lie from the start... even our initial friendship.

[Asker]

If he ever had intentions on fixing my immigration case and marrying me; it was for the wrong reasons. He was very obsessed with me becoming a restaurant owner (I have an online bakery account) and my grandma's house/rent. He wouldn't come and married only if I were a successful business owner and take over 1/2 of my income and assets. He wanted to take over 1/2 of my bakery account earning... he didn't purchase any of the bakery products nor put any money into it.

[Dragonpurple]

That is terrible, I can see why you would not want to believe in it anymore. If I could give you a big hug I would. Feel free to DM if you want to chat, otherwise I really do wish the best for you. Do not give up hope on your dream of having a family and children. All is not lost, there is still time.

[TheBootyChest]

Would you say that actions speak louder than words for you now?

[Asker]

Yes... now yes.
I will never believe in the ''When we get married soon, this and this''. To me the words that don't exist anymore are ''When we, one day, someday when''. Now it's rather either doing any action now or never.

[TheBootyChest]

And is it that the words "I love you" itself have no meaning or words period?

[Asker]

If it's followed by immediate actions yes. If it's just words and a bunch of ''oh and the moon and the stars, one day, my beautiful baby, etc'' gibberish talk nope... it means nothing but lovebombing.

[TheBootyChest]

I admit I have not felt exactly what you are going through, but I can say that I need people to talk to me in a certain way. Like instead of saying "thanks" or "thank you" it's more like "hey I really appreciate what you did." Or something like, "I know you are trying to help but I need space right now" instead of "just leave me alone for now".

[Asker]

I don't wish that on anyone. No one deserves to have years drained out of them by a future faker. As for things said in a certain manner, yes I agree. Someone can tell you the same thing but more explained, more emphasize added into it. Thanks sounds very dry in comparison to the one you just mentioned. Have you tried explaining that to them?

[TheBootyChest]

I have. Usually to family members, my BFF, my ex (a year ago), and specific people at work.

I feel like if they explain it a bit more then they might actually mean.

I work in fast food, and so I get "thanks" and "thank you" so much that it's more negative than a casual compliment.

[Wester1967]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72DCIpQbjl4

[sensible27]

In general most similar statements are often lies. Maybe im wrong

[Asker]

I feel like an idiot for not realizing whenever he said ''you're the love of my life'', ''my beautiful wife'' (lol... and no ring), ''I love you forever'', etc and more exaggerated posts about love on my fb... that it was all a lie.

[Asker]

Meanwhile my mother never believed him. She always hated him. I should've listened to her whenever she told me that he's wasting my time and will never marry me.

[sensible27]

It's not about the ring, or maybe even what your mother said. Rings sometimes don't matter. And people are sometimes wrong. But it does seem an irrational set of decisions or beliefs on your part but again, it doesn't really matter.. hope you learned. Did you really feel connected with him? Do you think he really cared?

[Asker]

At the time I felt connected and really thought we would have a family as he promised. He never loved me. It was all a lie. My psychologist told me I've been dealing with a narcissist-sociopath, someone incapable of feeling empathy or real love for others. This was all a set-up from the start, even our initial friendship. Nothing was real about him. He was with his mask, lying, faking it all.

[Asker]

I don't really care about the ring but to have a family. I didn't realize he would keep me as a forever girlfriend and was cheating the whole time, replacing girl after girl every time he ran out of resources (exactly what a narcissist is). It was all about his own selfish needs, getting it all to himself and nothing for me. He didn't care about my desires of having a child and how my time is running out (fertility window).

[Asker]

He never paid my money back. He owes me $1,300... that was money he insisted that his so called immigration lawyer needed so we can get married. That was all a lie. He never went to see the lawyer, he never paid the lawyer. He spent that money on other women likely. A total disgusting person; horrible.

[sensible27]

Sorry...

[Asker]

yes and that's not really all...
This bastard was so obsessed with my online growing bakery business and my grandma's house. I figured it all out in the end. He would've married me years later if I were to be a restaurant owner (by then... all my fertility years would be gone; I would be in my 40's) so he can take over 1/2 of all my income and assets. I think that's evil.

[drowsydaffodil]

i’m sorry to hear love, i went through the same thing a year ago

[CallmeTheKnight]

The next man has nothing to do with the last man you chose.

[Asker]

I know but this time I would know the signs of a man stringing me along and one that wants a family. I can't afford to be a girlfriend for another 4 years. I'm 34 and childless. I want kids.

[OddBeMe]

I guess think about this: Are majority of guys like this guy? I’d say no. The majority you meet may be.

[Asker]

That's what worries me... that I'll never more like that. I can't afford to be another man's forever girlfriend for another 4 years. I'll be 38 by then. I'm now 34 and childless. My greatest desire is having kids.

[Anonymous]

Im interested in having children, pm me if you want.

[Asker]

I would be happy having one child at least. I've never been pregnant ever. Ok I just pm you.

[FamilyGuy2020]

He never should have lied to you and broke your heart beyond that no more Comment I am sorry to say.

[Asker]

It was scary when my psychologist told me who exactly I've been dealing with; a narcissistic-sociopath. Definitely a terrible person that future fakes (he fakes an entire relationship) and moves on to next sources when you're not needed, discarding you. I guess the only thing good is I got rid of him and the truth comes to light. My mother always hated him and yes she was right the whole time.

[spartan55]

Enjoy your cats then.

[Asker]

Why the hell is a single woman always associated with cats? I don't want a pet. I want a child.

[spartan55]

It's just a joke relax

[scentoflavender]

I never believe words, i believe in actions.

[Pharez]

It's not ok because love true love exist

[Asker]

I want a family from that true love. I want what the liar denied me of.

[Pharez]

Be patient and you will get it, patience says it all

[Asker]

thank you... you're right
Maybe patience and not losing hope is all it takes.

[t-8900]

@Asker keep a little faith in life and be happy with yourself. Spread your love and your love will find you. Promise! Just ask my girlfriend. She moved me with her beautiful heart and won me over. She's so kind to everyone. All of her employees love her to bits because she's a great person and treats everyone with love and respect. Its hard to find love in a cold world. Be warm and in return be warmed. Best wishes!

[Pharez]

Nice one there@t-8900

[legalboxers]

I haven't heard it in years..

[emperor90]

Yes it can