Can you Save a Friend from turning into a Perpetual Victim of Past Relationships?

[pervertedjester]

I have a friend who's a decent enough guy overall. A hard worker with a friendly disposition that you can rely on, except when it comes to his relationships. He likes to blame everyone else for the reasons his relationships fail. "She lied to me. She left without warning. He lied to her about me. He seduced her into leaving me." That kind of talk. Near as I can tell there have been 3 women, from an outside view, that were to blame for things turning bad.

That being said his personality in a relationship is more often at fault. He's very dismissive of small issues that later turn into large ones. He talks down to his women like they legitimately don't know any better. And if He's not getting the attention he thinks he deserves he'll try and get sympathy from every other woman who will listen. Overly needy and self centered, is how I imagine most of his exes would put it.

Irregardless, he is still a friend of mine and I've been trying to push him on to a better path for the past few years. Unfortunately he seems like he's settling into the lonely and bitter old man trope by embracing his "victim-hood" and shutting positive people out of his life. I just wanna know if I can pull him back from his downward slide or should I let him hit bottom and let find his own way back?

Yes

No

[Unknown_Swan_]

One thing I'm going to ask, what was your friends childhood like?

Us guys should have a male role model, a positive one, to teach us how to behave in life, face challenges and treat women correctly. Female role models also play a key part in this, but for a guy, a positive father figure is crucial. If he had a dad that was a verbally and/or physically abusive drunk, who used to make his mother's life hell... Then you've got your answer as to why he treats his women like crap and then beats himself up about it. It's learned behaviour from a constant negative influence in his life. Only therapy and a wake up call will break that kind of behavior/conditioning.

But, I'm just overthinking here, this may not be the case. Going to put it out there though, but victimising yourself isn't a great thing. Bad stuff happens? Got a choice. Either let it destroy you, or let it better you. Plus there's a difference between being genuinely sad/depressed, and another not taking responsibility for your actions.
Fair enough if you are genuinely in a toxic relationship to complain and seek advice, but sounds to me like he's got some deeper psychological issues going on there. Especially if he thinks treating girls/women in a nasty way will get him anywhere.

Not much you can do bar urge him to take responsibility, and seek some kind of therapy. Otherwise he's not going to function in this world or have a happy relationship with a woman.

[pervertedjester]

Don't get me wrong his upbringing does factor into a lot of what he does. But I see the potential in my friends even when they don't, so I challenge his mindset from time to time. Just seems like a losing battle lately and I really hate to give up on friend.

[Unknown_Swan_]

@pervertedjester Ah, there you have it then.

This mindset of his won't just go away then. It's ingrained into him by years of neglect and emotionally stress/abuse from an inadequate care giver, or givers.

My advice, he really needs to go and see a behavioural or mental therapist. All we can do on here is give you advice. Only he can take this next step though

[TheorionMage]

Those eschewing Memory are DOOMED to repeat.

'Cognitive Dissonance' is One's subjective & selective memories which 'weigh' both the long & short-term significance distorted by embellished selective recall.
"Oh! He/she wasn't THAT bad!"
Hubristic vanity seeks to rationalize long-term poor decisions abetted by weighted illogical appetites & desires.

[CrazyGirl2]

It’s highly doubtful. There is almost nothing more personal than a person’s choice of who to date! Anything you do to intervene, end, or prevent a relationship will not go well for you.

[CrazyGirl2]

Thank you so much for the MHG. 🙏 🥰😘💋

[SnakeBoop]

you will NEVER be able to change his outlook.
careful he doesn't drag you down too

[DaveToo]

You'll have to let me slide, my friend. At my age, it's hard to even walk.

[Poppykate]

Sounds like he needs therapy 🤔