My girlfriend and I have been doing contact sports together. I'm feeling guilty about it, what should I do?

[SociableGuy]

My girlfriend and I have been doing contact sport (martial arts) together for some time. We're not professional or anything but consider ourselves experienced. We were preparing for a tournament together and trying to really push each other, and both ended up getting injured. I ended up with a fracture and she with a dislocation. Pretty silly on our part really.

The thing is, from a relationship perspective it has made things a little weird because in some ways it was a bit like we were in a physical altercation, even though we technically weren't if that makes sense. To make matters worse when we visited my girlfriend's parents over the weekend and they saw her shoulder brace and found out what happened, their treatment of me made me feel like I was some abusive boyfriend who wasn't taking care of her. I understand that that's their little girl but surely we're not the only couple who do contact sports together, I personally don't have any friends who do, but still. I don't know if her friends think of me that way too, I hope not.

What should I do in this situation? It's making me feel really guilty the more I think about the whole thing.

[Adam1978]

You should of course be careful when training beyond that you both are aware that there is risks involved any no one forced you to do it. As a guy you will always have the advantage physically so you have to have the extra control. So this is a lesson for you, you failed, learn from it.

[SociableGuy]

So you are saying that even though we were both injured I should be taking more of the responsibility? What should I do differently next time without making her feel I am holding back because I see her as a less competent student?

[Adam1978]

You are training so obviously you will be holding back. Otherwise you would definitely hurting each other. So it's about how much to hold back and how much she can handle, it's dynamic and not set in stone. The better she is the more she can handle but in the end you will always be able to empower her. I would make sure she got the right motivation to try her best. So when she get stronger you match it.

[SociableGuy]

Hmm, it's a tough one because we've always seen each other as equally good which is why we enjoy training together. Sure we both are better in some things than the other eg. I'm a bit stronger/have more power but she is faster, so knowing when to hold back and when you're doing them a disservice can be a fine line. I guess we'll reset and learn from the fact that even though we know all of each others moves we can still surprise each other.

[Adam1978]

Yes it is. But that why a single round isn't that important it's a way to judge what to tweak in the next.

[jasco]

It was a accident, no one can blame you. You got hurt to so its ok. Talk to her and ask her how she feels. That's really all that matters. If she is ok than over time her parents may stop acting the way they do.

[annabananna]

Why are you practicing with her to begin with? Why aren’t you practicing with other people in your league?

[SociableGuy]

We both train together, Martial arts is a sport where both guys and ladies of different ages are in the same class. We do also practice with others in the class since partners are usually rotated but because we know each others skills so well we found we're the best at making each other better. Since it is a full contact sport we've both had plenty of injuries before from a number of other students, but this is the worst one we've given each other.

[SociableGuy]

I think the other thing too is how other people perceive us, especially when one of us is visibly injured and we're walking together, especially if it's my partner.

[annabananna]

Well, at the end of the day you put your girlfriend in a brace. If that happened to a family member of mine I’d never respect the guy.

[SociableGuy]

That's fair enough and I suppose that's how her family feels too. Wouldn't it be reasonable though that the fact that we both chose to participate and the fact we were both injured, we are both responsible for what happened? For example, when my parents saw me in my splint and found out it was because of my girlfriend they could also have a negative view of her (they didn't), since otherwise wouldn't it be a double standard?

[Anonymous]

Are you attending a course/are you on a team or are you training alone at home?

[SociableGuy]

We train with a normal club so there's instructors there and the usual supervision. It is common to get injuries (from anyone one in the class) every now and then since it is a full contact sport. I guess it's just different because we're a couple so on the one hand you don't want to hold back too much because otherwise it's a disservice to the other person (and they may feel you think they're not as competent as you) but you also have to not go overboard. It's a fine line sometimes.

[Opinion Owner]

Since you are training and not taking part at competition, I think you shouldn't go full power with her. Not only because she is your girlfriend, but because she is a girl and because (I assume) she is not your same weight and height.
What kind of martial art is it?

[jaybee281]

Owww that's a bad spot you're in bro - Definitely not your fault nor hers - Accidents happen - But I guess my advice would be what you already know which is to never try it again (Not only for the injuries but more importantly for the feeling of it being a physical altercation which I clearly understand what you mean) - What tournament were you training for?

[SociableGuy]

The tough thing is is that it's just a natural part of the sport, it's full contact so it is common to have injuries every now and then, from anyone in the class. And we're both passionate about it and love training together. It's kind of like having a spotter at a gym or a team mate that you enjoy passing the ball to or practicing with. I think the main issue is how others perceive us when we're walking together one of us, but especially my partner, has visible injuries. I've had dirty looks thrown my way before but I never realized it was probably because of this.

[jshm2]

Meh. Quit your bullshit.

One of my friends was dating a martial arts instructor. She was high rank, and used to really tease him about it. But he only put her down once to show that while he was up for a laugh, he was no push over. They are still together after all these years.

If you love your job and love each other, then you'll hold back for them.

[SociableGuy]

So are you saying I should quit whinging and not worry about what happened or take it easier next time?

[whatever932]

When it's contact sports, definitely injuries are possible

U have done nothing wrong

If u feel bad or guilty, stop doing these stuff with her

[AndrésC64]

As long as you are both at approximately the same level, there's no problem with it. Even if one of you were at a lower level, that person could still gain a lot of experience by practicing with the other person.

[Anonymous]

Typically men and women do not do contact sports together. This should not be news to you. It is borderline abusive.

[SociableGuy]

I'm not sure about other sports but in martial arts men, women and kids all train together. I've experienced this across many styles (Karate, TKD, Kickboxing). The only times you have classes more split up is between adults (7yrs to adults) and small kids (7yrs and below), or if the club is very large they may split classes up further due to sheer numbers only (no more than 30 students).

[Opinion Owner]

Don't be ridiculous. Kids don't spar with adults in full contact martial arts. And men and women don't either for obvious reasons.

[SociableGuy]

Actually it is very common. In Kyokushin (which is full contact) I attend classes with students aged from low teens to adults and sparring occurs during every class and everyone rotates so they can spar each other. In TKD very similar age groups spar together as well except everyone wears full pads including headgear and mouth guard. Now, of course even though you are practicing full contact sparring when you face an obviously less experienced or smaller opponent you do not necessarily go "full contact" in the same sense you would against an equally matched opponent, you are much more careful. Of course sometimes someone you deem less experienced can catch you by surprise, or vice versa you might over estimate them and catch them by surprise.

[Opinion Owner]

Your idea of a counter argument is some obscure martial art and then you qualify it by saying it's not full contact sparring. My point proved then.

[SociableGuy]

Haha you're hilarious buddy :D Another "knowledgeable" keyboard warrior.

[Frauensindobjekte]

I wouldn't care at all.